Lately, it feels like the only trailers we’ve been posting about are goddamn superhero movie trailers, so finally here’s something that’ll harden the nipple tips of those of us who us who don’t butt squirt out a babbling brook of hysteria over the 4,500th Captain America: Civil War trailer. (Although, that could change if Marvel releases a trailer where Captain America and Black Panther have a sword fight in Winter Soldier’s mouth.)
The full trailer for Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie was shot onto the Internet today, and either I’m still drunk from Sunday or this really didn’t disappoint. Or both! In the AbFab movie, Patsy and Edina go on the run to the French Riviera after they accidentally knock Kate Moss into the Thames while trying to sign her to their PR firm at a party. Saffy, Bubble, Lulu and Mother are also in it. This is the perfect palate cleanser if you made the wrong decision to watch that shit dingle Zoolander #2.
The cast list for the Twin Peaks reboot is so long that you’ll need to eat at least 3 protein bars and Gorilla Glue your eyelids to your face to get through it, and the AbFab movie may have just as many cameos. The long list of cameos includes: Jon Hamm, Baby Spice, Jerry Hall, Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Gwendoline Christie, Cara Delawhatever, Graham Norton, Dame Edna, Stella McCartney, Alexa Chung, Lara Stone, Jourdan Dunn, Suki Waterhouse, Lily Cole, Jean Paul Gaultier and a zillion more.
But, of course, the only cameo that really matters is the cameo from Dame Joan Collins. The first still from Dame Joan in the AbFab movie was finally released:
I know, the AbFab trailer should’ve just been nothing but a black screen with the words, “Dame Joan Collins Is In It,” on it. But I guess they didn’t do that, because they know that there’s not enough credit card processors in the world to handle all of the advanced ticket sales if everyone knew Joan Collins is in it!
The teaser trailer for the Absolutely Fabulous movie is supposed to look like a commercial for an off-brand wine cooler from the late 1980s and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It doesn’t really show much since, you know, it’s a teaser and it’s just meant to stick the tip in and wiggle. It shows Patsy and Edina living the life on the French Rivera with cups of the sweet nectar and some hot men. “”Je t’aime… Moi Non Plus“” plays as a velvet-voiced man sells us on the luxury before us. It’s almost fancier than a Fancy Feast circa 1986 commercial. I said almost.
But you know, the AbFab movie teaser trailer could’ve been just a plain black background behind the words “Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie – Coming July 2016” in rainbow Comic Sans and many hos, including me, still would’ve butt birthed out a bottle of Stoli from the excitement of it all. Hell, that teaser trailer above made me butt birth out Stoli bottle triplets.
It comes out on July 1st and features cameos by: JOAN COLLINS and a bunch of others whose names I’m not going to bother typing here since what’s the point? The only thing you need to know is that JOAN COLLINS is in it.
At a family party a while back, my extremely classy auntie was in the kitchen mixing La Croix sparkling water with Svedka and my teenage second cousin pointed at the can and asked, “What’s that?” In the voice of Edina Monsoon, I answered, “La Croix, sweetie, La Croix.” Forty five blankets of HUH covered his face before he asked me, “Why did you call me sweetie?” I told him I was quoting AbFab, duh, and another forty five blankets of HUH covered his face as he asked, “Is that a book or something?” I didn’t know whether to throw up or call CPS to report his mother for under-nourishing his young brain by not teaching him the classics. Well, now that an AbFab movie is finally being made, hopefully it’ll be shown in schools so our youth can learn the wisdom of Patsy and Edina!
After what feels like centuries of talk about the AbFab movie, the AbFab movie has finally started shooting in the South of France. The show’s original cast will shoot for 7 weeks in France and the UK. Jennifer Saunders wrote the script, of course, and the plot goes a little something like this (via E!):
Look for Patsy and Edina, still living the high life you’ve come to know and love. They’re boozing and shopping their way around town, but when they’re blamed for a major incident at big launch party, the two become entangled in a media storm and are hounded by paparazzi. They take off, penniless, to the French Riviera, and plot to make the escape permanent. Look for A-list cameos from actors, musicians and fashion pros.
Thank all the Gods this is happening, because the Internet is seriously dry and hard-up for some new AbFab GIFs. And first we hear that Charo is making a reality show and now this? It’s only Monday and it’s already the happiest news week of the year. But watch, tomorrow the world will show us that it really is an awful place when we learn that Charo’s reality show has been shit canned and Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley have been replaced by Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence in the AbFab movie. Why am I even putting that out there?
Pic: BBC Films
And now the time has come for Hollywood to take whatever is left of our childhoods and finally push it into the meat grinder, because they’re remaking John Hughes’ movies now. Weird Science was one of the first movies that my rich friend made me a copy of on his rich people dual VHS recorder and I wore that bitch out, and now Hollywood is butchering it up by remaking it. I can’t even do the slow wall slide of sadness over this, because it’s not surprising. Every time I hear that Hollywood is remaking a classic from my childhood, I just make the same face I make when a one night trick runs out the door as soon as I take my clothes off. I shrug and say, “Eh, lost another one.”
Deadline says Joel Silver, who produced the original with John Hughes, is producing the remake and has hired the dude who wrote the new 21 Jump Street script to write this shit. Joel’s plan is to make Weird Science raunchier and edgier.
I’m into raunchier and I’m into edgier, but I’m not into them replacing Kelly LeBrock. That shit show on the USA Network was bad enough. I just know they’re going to get Kate Upton or Megan Fox or Rosie Huntington-Whateverly. The only way I’ll be okay with this is if they cast one of the following:
1. Courtney Stodden – She’s a master at accents and she’s made of parts from old PCS and factory-defected animatronic Real Dolls.
2. Shauna Sand – Needs no explanation.
3. Tan Mom – The pictures speak for themselves.
4. Richard Simmons – Because he can deliver the hell out of the line, “You’re out of shape, I’ll kick your arse!“
And they can totally get Donald Trump to play Chet the Shit!
Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell’s furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood’s the one who got the starring role in NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC’s president said this in a statement to Playbill:
“Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn’t be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”
First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What’s next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I’m still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.
Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I’m serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.
Here’s Carrie Underwears singing “The Sound of Music” a few years ago:
I really can’t stand any of Alicia Keys‘ songs, because they all sound like commercials to me. Examples: “Empire State of Mind” is a song for the New York State tourism board. “You Don’t Know My Name” is a song for Ginkgo Biloba and/or Alzheimer’s medications. “Superwoman” is a song for Kotex and/or Centrium Silver for Women. And “Girl On Fire” is a song for Gonorrhea awareness.
And now I’m really mad at Alicia, because she just had to ruin the magical and wondrous Gummi Bear theme song by screaming it out on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night. It wasn’t not funny and it wasn’t not necessary. Just because Alicia ruined a trick’s marriage doesn’t mean she has to ruin everything else including a piece of my childhood. Alicia better stay away from the Muppet Babies theme song AND the Beverly Hills Teens theme song.
If you need something to clean your ears out, here you go: