If you’re looking at that picture above and wondering why a magazine is trying to pass off an awkward preteen squirrel as Lena Dunham, you’re not alone. Lena Dunham herself did the same thing. Lena posted a picture on Instagram of the cover of the March issue of El País’ Tentaciones, a Spanish magazine I assumed was about sensual octopi but isn’t (I checked), and slapped at them for de-Lena’ing her body.

“Oh hello El Pais! I am genuinely honored to be on your cover and so happy you licensed a pic by @ruvenafanador, who always makes me feel gorgeous. BUT this is NOT what my body has ever looked like or will ever look like – the magazine has done more than the average photoshop. So if you’re into what I do, why not be honest with your readers? Much love, Lena.”

Shortly after Lena called them out, Tentaciones hissed back, saying they never do any retouching and that’s what the picture looked like when they licensed it. That picture of Lena is from a three-year-old issue of Entertainment Weekly, and according to Tentaciones, the only editing they did was crop the bottom of her legs out. Lena crawled back to Instagram and posted a picture of the uncropped image with an apology.

Hey Tentaciones- thank you for sending the uncropped image (note to the confused: not unretouched, uncropped!) and for being so good natured about my request for accuracy. I understand that a whole bunch of people approved this photo before it got to you- and why wouldn't they? I look great. But it's a weird feeling to see a photo and not know if it's your own body anymore (and I'm pretty sure that will never be my thigh width but I honestly can't tell what's been slimmed and what hasn't.) I'm not blaming anyone (y'know, except society at large.) I have a long and complicated history with retouching. I wanna live in this wild world and play the game and get my work seen, and I also want to be honest about who I am and what I stand for. Maybe it's turning 30. Maybe it's seeing my candidate of choice get bashed as much for having a normal woman's body as she is for her policies. Maybe it's getting sick and realizing ALL that matters is that this body work, not that it be milky white and slim. But I want something different now. Thanks for helping me figure that out and sorry to make you the problem, you cool Spanish magazine you. Time to get to the bottom of this in a bigger way. Time to walk the talk. With endless love, Lena PS I'd love the Tentaciones subscription I was offered!

A photo posted by Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) on Mar 1, 2016 at 8:40am PST

Somewhere on a tour bus, a confused Hillary Clinton is like “The fuck she drag me into this for?”

I can sort of understand where Lena is coming from. Except instead of “There’s no way I’m that skinny“, it’s “There’s no way I’m that fat.” Which is usually followed by “Yes, I see that it’s a picture of me dipping chicken nuggets into a red solo cup filled with cake frosting, but there’s no way that’s my body. Someone has clearly Photoshopped that picture.”

Pic: Lena Dunham Instagram

It’s that time again when we all say at the same time, “Wait, I thought he was GAY?“, after reading about how Michael C. Hall married a woman.

Michael C. Hall (or “David from Six Feet Under” as I know him, or “Dexter” as those of you who watched Dexter know him, but then again that character may be forever dead to you thanks to that finale) decided that he really wants to be married for a third time. MCH survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma, so maybe he figures that life is too short to not follow your heart to the City Clerk’s Office.

MCH was married to his first wife, Amy Spanger, from 2002 to 2007. After that marriage ate smegma in the gutter, he dusted himself off and married his TV sister, Jennifer Carpenter, on New Year’s  Eve in 2008. They announced they were getting a divorce in 2010 and they legally became exes a year later. MCH started dating book editor and novelist Morgan Macgregor in 2012 and now they’re married, so says his rep. People says that MCH became a third-time husband at City Hall in NYC yesterday morning. The answer to the question, “Who in the HELL, besides a trick needing a green card bad and a 9-month knocked up teen with a strict Catholic abuelita, gets married at City Hall on a Monday morning?“, has finally been answered. Maybe he wanted to beat the crowds, or maybe there’s a Monday morning discount I don’t know about and since it’s his third marriage, he figured he should save in wedding costs wherever he can.

MCH is 45. His new wife’s age is a mystery. I used my serious journalist skills (read: I Googled “How old is Dexter’s new wedded piece?” and called it a day) to find out and came up with nothing. In some pictures she looks like a grown to me and in other pictures she looks like she hears, “Aw, you and your father seem so close,” from a server as she cuddles with MCH in a booth at a restaurant. But what I do know about Morgan is that she seems to be a Depp-loving hipster at heart since she’s got this tattoo on her arm:

If she was really a fan, she’d drop the “na” in that tattoo. But well, if MCH ever wants to get into some scarves and bracelets kink and get his wife to role play as Johnny Depp, she’s already halfway there.

Here’s some riveting pictures of MCH and Morgan Macgregor standing next to each other and walking together throughout the last few years.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Millions of people probably simultaneously said, “I am not drunk enough for this,” when Chris Rock followed up his #OscarsSoWhite opening monologue by bringing out Stacey Dash for everyone to laugh at. Dionne from Clueless turned Fox News sweetheart came out and wished everybody a Happy Black History Month. It was supposed to be funny, but it’s almost impossible to laugh while your jaw is all-the-way shut from cringing. What was even more WTF than Stacey’s awkward bit at the Oscars was her explanation of it.

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I’m pressing pause on all the dicks and nutsacks who were at the Oscars last night to quickly cover actual dick and nuts.

Something called the 2016 NFL Scouting Combine happened at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana yesterday. I didn’t know what the NFL Scouting Combine was until a big ole’ flopping dick made me Google to find the answer. If you didn’t know, the NFL Scouting Combine is where college football players try to get recruited into a pro team by showing off their skills in a week-long showcase. Players try to stand out and well, nobody really stood out like Mississippi State defensive lineman Chris Jones when he accidentally celebrated Eggplant Friday on a Sunday.

Chris Jones was trying to beat his 5-second record in the 40-yard dash when his peen and crotch huevos flew out of his Spandex shorts. I don’t know if Chris Jones was wearing a jock strap or a cup or anything, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. Because that mighty dick looks like it’s strong enough to break through that shit so it can breathe oxygen. Chris Jones seemed to laugh it off right before one of the announcers said that when these guys fall, they fall down hard and long. I bet that announcer was winking when he said that. Deadspin has a clearer video for you peen-loving sucio tricks, but here’s a blurry one.

And I hope that whoever clocked in his time, clocked it in when his dick tip passed the finish line. Because his dick definitely crossed the line before he did.

(Thank you to all of you who know me so well and sent this in.)

Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.

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Don’t let that screen shot fool you. That’s not a still from Kylie Jenner’s performance art video about being trapped in Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic womb. It’s just Lorde performing in a sea of darkroom safe lights at the BRIT Awards last night. It also kind of looks like she’s a prisoner in a Pizza Hut red cup. But I digress…

After Lady CaCa splattered up her weird “Intel commercial on acid” meets “something you’d see at a Burning Man talent show” David Bowie tribute at the Grammys, his son, Duncan Jones, tweeted his review of her homage to herself. Duncan Jones tweeted the exact Google definition of “gaga.” Dude pretty much hated it:

"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 16, 2016

Surprisingly, Duncan Jones’ eyeballs didn’t melt into his sockets while reading the tweets from crazed Little Monsters who wished ass AIDS on his dog. Duncan Jones is still able to see, because he watched the BRIT Awards tribute to his father done by David Bowie’s former touring band and the Hot Topic chanteuse we call Lorde. At last night’s BRITs, Annie Lennox and Panty Creamer Gary Oldman told a funny story about David Bowie before introducing Bowie’s former touring band and the Tim Burton Kewpie doll who yodeled out “Life On Mars” while dressed like a theater usher.

Duncan Jones tweeted this after that performance:

Finally found the links to tonight's Brits. Just… beautiful. Thank you.

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 25, 2016

I co-sign that, but with that being said, we’re going to forget about Gaga’s and Lorde’s tributes on Sunday night. At the Oscars, Tilda Swinton is going to sashay onto the stage and reveal herself as a David Bowie clone by ripping off her face mask. Then she’s going to beam herself up to their home planet of Mars to join her overlord, the Goblin King. That’s probably going to happen.

And here’s Lorde “canoodling” with Taylor Swift hater Diplo while going to Justin Bieber’s BRIT Awards after-party.

Pics: Wenn.com