Here’s Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson posing for a selfie while looking like they’re starring in an awareness campaign for an organization called Big Brothers for Lil’ Douchebags.

Justin, who looks like a bootleg Aaron Carter doll in that picture, announced his random-ass friendship with Marilyn Manson yesterday on Instagram. Justin captioned the pic: “Night out in la with the boys.” Yeah, about that. I don’t know what age Marilyn gave when during his initiation into Bieber’s Boys Club, but they might want to take a closer look at the date on his driver’s license.

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The POTUS dreams of Ted Cruz, John Kasich, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and my personal pick Limberbutt McCubbins were shattered like a meth pipe in a vagina when Aaron Carter declared that his vote is probably going to go to Donald Trump. Aaron said in a tweet and later told GQ that despite all of the “wall” shit, he’s into Trump. But well, there’s been a YUGE development that is beyond great news for the other candidates, but sad and tragic news for the Trump campaign. Chris Christie is licking the greasy tears trickling down his master’s face, because Aaron Carter has declared on Twatter that he’s not voting for Trump anymore, because he’s not voting at all!

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The moment in last night’s The Passion Live when Jesus Christ rose on top of a Westin to yodel out a Katy Perry song. 

“Jesus be a weed man dropping a giant bag of the good shit on my front door, because I am definitely not stoned enough for this shit” is probably what the three people (including my ass) who actually watched Fox’s sometimes-live musical about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ said last night. When Fox announced that they were gifting the world with a Tyler Perry-hosted live Jesus Christ musical, I just knew it would be a parade of fuckery, and they didn’t really disappoint.

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The hating peasants who think the young British royals are a bunch of lazies ate their words today when Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Kate and Prince William worked hard at the Commonwealth Observance Day service. PHG really deserves a bonus for successfully fighting the urge to turn to Duchess Kate and say, “The HELL are you wearing?”  – Lainey Gossip 

Camille Grammer won a lawsuit against the ex who allegedly attacked her – Reality Tea 

Kristen Stewart may be bumping ‘ginas with a French singer who looks like the human embodiment of the 80s section of a Goodwill – Celebitchy

And here’s Jessica Simpson and her husband Eric DontMakeMeGoogleHisLastName giving you a douche-on-deflated-blowup-doll show – Drunken Stepfather

The Mexican actress who met El Chapo with Sean Penn said that Sean Penn lied to her about the Rolling Stone interview – WWTDD

And just like that, I’ve got the tingles for Ian McShane – The Superficial 

Praise the peeno noir gods, because the new trailer for the second season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is here – Towleroad

Forget Selena Gomez’s hard nips, what is that midriff cape poncho thing she’s wearing? – The Nip Slip 

Still pregnant: Anne Hathaway is – Popoholic

I don’t know what’s messier: The fact that Miley Cyrus and Woody Allen are actually working together or that wig on her head? – OMG Blog

Something to make your ice cold heart feel things: John Boyega visited sick children in the hospital – Popsugar

Cindy Crawford and her daughter are on the cover of Vogue Paris for some reason – Jezebel

Ashley Greene or a melting Teri Hatcher wax figure? – Hollywood Tuna

Sarah Palin’s husband is laid up in the hospital after getting messed up in a snowmobile ride gone wrong – IDLYITW

Claire from Lost had a baby – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee  (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!

Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do:

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Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers from last night’s season 8 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

After what felt like an 84 year break (bring out the OldRoseItsBeen84Years.GIF), RuPaul’s Drag Race finally came back into my life last night and although I’ve been long waiting for some real charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to be queefed into my eyes in a pressed powder and glitter cloud, I can’t believe that this shit still isn’t in HD for me. The picture is like a Real Housewives’ face: stretched out, pulled and a little blurry. It looks footage from a half-broken Willy Wonka factory security camera, because all of the queens look like wide Oompa Loompas. I’ve written my congressperson and begged them to get that shit in HD! I’ve offered to give my cable dude hand jobs (that’s probably why it’s still not in HD)! Still nothing. But I digress…

At this extremely early stage in the season, Kim Chi and Chi Chi Devayne are my favorites, which means they’ll probably sashay away in the next few episodes and someone like Puerto Rico’s answer to Tammie Brown, Cynthia Lee Fontaine, is going to win. For their first challenge, the queens had to try to stand out in a photo with most of the past winners. Naomi Smalls, the queen from Redlands, CA whose idol is Naomi Campbell and named herself after Biggie Smalls and the multi gold medal-winning BlackBerry tosser, stomped out and stole the damn shoot with her shrimp cocktail toes. Quentin Tarantino is about to grab the cocktail sauce and dive in.

Season 7’s winning queen Violet Chachki said that Naomi Smalls looks hot, but that her “cliffhangers” sticking out of her exquisite discount day-shift hooker whore shoes were “boner killers.” Tell that to QT’s very much alive and leaky boner. At first I thought that Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers were part of her tribute to her idol, but after a quick Google search, I didn’t see a lot of pictures with Naomi Campbell’s toes trying to escape from her shoes. But I did see a few pictures of Naomi’s bunions-encrusted feet looking like they just got a beat down from Naomi. So I’m hoping that Naomi Smalls takes her tribute to the next level by gluing prosthetic bunions to her hooves.

I don’t know what Violet Chachki’s talking about. Naomi’s cliffhangers were the breakout star of the episode…

…and they better win fan favorite.