I’m pressing pause on all the dicks and nutsacks who were at the Oscars last night to quickly cover actual dick and nuts.
Something called the 2016 NFL Scouting Combine happened at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana yesterday. I didn’t know what the NFL Scouting Combine was until a big ole’ flopping dick made me Google to find the answer. If you didn’t know, the NFL Scouting Combine is where college football players try to get recruited into a pro team by showing off their skills in a week-long showcase. Players try to stand out and well, nobody really stood out like Mississippi State defensive lineman Chris Jones when he accidentally celebrated Eggplant Friday on a Sunday.
Chris Jones was trying to beat his 5-second record in the 40-yard dash when his peen and crotch huevos flew out of his Spandex shorts. I don’t know if Chris Jones was wearing a jock strap or a cup or anything, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. Because that mighty dick looks like it’s strong enough to break through that shit so it can breathe oxygen. Chris Jones seemed to laugh it off right before one of the announcers said that when these guys fall, they fall down hard and long. I bet that announcer was winking when he said that. Deadspin has a clearer video for you peen-loving sucio tricks, but here’s a blurry one.
And I hope that whoever clocked in his time, clocked it in when his dick tip passed the finish line. Because his dick definitely crossed the line before he did.
(Thank you to all of you who know me so well and sent this in.)