Pour Out Some Sizzurp, Lil Wayne Sounds Like He’s Retiring
Smeagol’s cousin who raps Lil Wayne sounds like he’s over and out when it comes to show business. Following a second 911 shooting hoax at his place in Miami on Friday (the first one happened in March of last year), the seizure-prone hip-hop artist made like Inetta the Moodsetta on Twitter.
Drake Finally Got That On-Stage Kiss He Was Looking For
Before Sunday night, the most awkward rejection the world had ever seen on television was when Lisa Simpson rejected Ralph Wiggum during Krusty the Clown’s 29th Anniversary Special. Then the MTV VMAs happened, and Ralph breathed a sigh of relief, for his rejection was no longer the most awkward thing people had seen.
While presenting Rihanna with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, Drake leaned in for a kiss on the mouth and was met by RiRi’s neck. But it didn’t seem to make things that awkward between them. Rihanna and Drake were seen after the show partying together and going out for dinner the following night. And last night, Rihanna finally made the Sensitive Prince of The 6’s dreams come.
It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”
Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.
This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.
Ryan Lochte Stammered Excuses To Matt Lauer
Olympic swimbo Ryan Lochte sat for an interview with smug asshole Matt Lauer about the biggest sports scandal since Tom Brady’s saggy balls. They aired part one during the Olympic coverage last night. Have you ever seen a grown-ass man come off more like an arrogant 12-year-old who was caught vandalizing the cul de sac’s new model home, and his parents were making him apologize to the owners? This is what results when dumb people in speedos are told that “it’s ok, Ry Guy, you can be as big a douche as possible as long as you keep swimming real fast!” This is what results when pretty people with a special skill are allowed to run amok!
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Lou Pearlman Died In Prison
Former boy band impresario and convicted Ponzi schemer Lou Pearlman died in a Florida federal prison on Friday night. He was 62. Lou was the corpulent cousin of Art Garfunkel (!) who gave us the Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, O-Town, LFO, and Aaron Carter.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Legolas 92, the horse who stole the whole show during the dressage individual grand prix freestyle competition at the Olympics!
Everyone is giving attention to Spain’s Severo Jurado López and his horse Lorenzo who trotted out moves to Carlos Santana’s Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas), the song that set fire to the loins and limbs of middle-aged women everywhere. Don’t act like your auntie didn’t scream out, “This is my jam!”, before kicking off her party chancletas, grabbing her Solo cup full of white wine and 7Up and serving up sweet moves in the middle of the patio to “Smooth” at a family get-together. Severo and Lorenzo definitely deserve attention for bringing back a song my brain tried hard to forget, but most of the attention should go to Legolas!