It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”

Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.

This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.

While going through the cast list, my brain said to my fingers, “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck,” only three times, and that maaay be a record. Here’s the list of bright shining A-listers who will shake their chichis and sway their down-low parts for your enjoyment:

Rick Perry with Emma Slater
Ryan Lochte with Cheryl “Mop Head” Burke
Babyface with Allison Holker
Maureen McCormick with Artem Chigvintsev
Terra Jole of Little Women: L.A. with Sasha Farber
Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez with Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Amber Rose with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Marilu Henner with Derek Hough
Vanilla Ice with Witney Carson
Race car driver James Hinchcliffe with Sharna Burgess
NFL player Calvin Johnson with Lindsay Arnold
One-time Nickelodeon and Disney person Jake T. Austin with Jenna Johnson
Jana Kramer of One Tree Hill with Gleb Savchenko

I don’t know what’s going to take me higher: watching Rick Perry try to “not look like a homo” in Spandex and sequins, or watching a confused Ryan Lochte wonder what comes after 3 while counting to the beat.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com