Ryan Lochte Stammered Excuses To Matt Lauer

August 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Olympic swimbo Ryan Lochte sat for an interview with smug asshole Matt Lauer about the biggest sports scandal since Tom Brady’s saggy balls. They aired part one during the Olympic coverage last night. Have you ever seen a grown-ass man come off more like an arrogant 12-year-old who was caught vandalizing the cul de sac’s new model home, and his parents were making him apologize to the owners? This is what results when dumb people in speedos are told that “it’s ok, Ry Guy, you can be as big a douche as possible as long as you keep swimming real fast!” This is what results when pretty people with a special skill are allowed to run amok!

Lauer, who always comes off like he pinches babies when no one is looking, quizzed Ryan on why he lied about the Rio gas station incident.

“You told me on the phone, Ryan, you said, ‘We are victims here,'” Lauer begins in the preview clip that aired Saturday night on NBC Nightly News. “‘We are victims. And we’re happy that we’re safe.’ In the police press conference, they said, ‘Not victims. They’re vandals.’ How do you feel about that?”

Poor Ryan had to tune out after every question to try and search his brain pan for whatever it was that his media coach told him to say. As his eyes swept back and forth across the inside of his ghost town skull, you almost felt sorry for him. He looked like I do when I’m forced to assemble something from IKEA and I don’t speak rebus puzzle!

Lochte remembered the word “over-exaggerated” (do you need the “over“?) which he definitely “over-used” to describe what he lied about. He also remembered to remind us repeatedly that he was “demanded to give money.” When Lauer asked if he felt that he and the rest of the swim team were robbed by the security guards, his response was the truest thing he’s spoken in days.

“Like, I can’t, I can’t, I’m not equipped to tell you that.”

To be fair, Swim Shady (Whoever Came Up With That Is A Damn GeniusĀ©) comes off as simply a tool. Matt Lauer, on the other hand, is simply the worst. He thinks he’s Judge Judy but he doesn’t have an ounce of her class, style, legal knowledge or hair volume. When he felt compelled to define what “robbery” meant, you could feel America’s side-eye! It’s ok, though, because Ryan took back control of the match when he tried to cry realĀ tears of regret (FF to :35 in the first video).

He further brutalized English when he mentioned feeling like he left his teammates “dry.” I think he was trying to say “high and dry.” Truthfully, he’s left many of us dry. As a bone. I got even drier when he talked about his “immature tantics.” (9:15) I’m sure that’s when his PR flack Googled ” how to switch careers.

Hopefully, the second part of the interview (which airs tomorrow) will be the end of this shit.

You can watch the first part of Ryan Lochte’s apology interview with Matt Lauer here, and check out some pics of Ryan and his girlfriend Kayla Rae Reid returning home post-interview in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

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