As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.

Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.

Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.

Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.

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The master of laziness who is an inspiration to all us lazies and a beautiful symbol of laziness.

Happy Smoke A Bowl (Or Five Or Six) Sunday, everyone! Today is the day when most of us take a plastic kiddie pool and fill it with tortilla chips, dozens of jars of Cheez Whiz and pounds of ground beef before diving into it and eating it all while watching the greatest and most relevant sports event in America: THE PUPPEH BOWL! (Oh yeah, and there’s also that other not-as-popular little event where Katy Perry’s tits are going to shoot out fireworks before flopping out of her top, but who cares about that?)

At the end of the day, when your body is weighed down with deliciousness and you can barely hold a cup up to your drinking hole, take a tip from this sensei of laziness. Just lie next to a bowl full of your sweet nectar of choice and scoop the booze into your mouth with your hand. This is how it’s done:

Now that is a genius and a hero to us all!

via Tastefully Offensive

Sherilyn Fenn (50)
Harry Styles (21)
Heather Morris (28)
Lauren Conrad (29)
Gavin Henson (33)
Rachelle Lefevre (36)
Julie Roberts (36)
Rutina Wesley (36)
Big Boi (40)
Michael C. Hall (44)
Brian Krause (46)
Lisa Marie Presley (47)
Pauly Shore (47)
Meg Cabot (48)
Princess Stephanie of Monaco (50)
Linus Roache (51)
Jackie Shroff (58)
Terry Jones (73)
Joy Philbin (74)
Don Everly (78)

I figured that Dame Helen Mirren traveled by a gold chariot pulled by two white stallions wearing feather headdresses or by a party bus with a stripper pole, but I was wrong. Dame Helen Mirren takes the subway! An Instagram user posted this picture of Dame Helen Mirren riding with the regulars on the R train on Thursday. On the L train at around 2 in the morning once, I saw a chick change her panties under her skirt and she threw her dirty panties on an empty seat. I thought that was the classiest thing I’d ever see on the subway. But that has been topped by Dame Helen Mirren looking ten layers of regal in pink gloves and a hot coat. Helen Mirren is in NYC to play THE QUEEN in a play on Broadway, so she should’ve fucked with everyone’s mind by riding the subway in full costume.

Dame Helen is a loyal fan of exquisite Lucite heels, so I love her for that and now I love her for not being one of those tricks who takes up a seat with their bag. You know who you are.

via Vulture and Gothamist

Today is the 34th anniversary of Justin Timberlake’s born day and he thanked everyone for throwing happy birthday wishes at him by Instagramming that picture with this caption:

Thank you EVERYONE for the Bday wishes! This year, I’m getting the GREATEST GIFT EVER. CAN’T WAIT. #BoyOrGirl #YouNeverKnow #WeDontEvenKnow #WeAreTakingBets

When I first saw that picture, for about a second I thought JT was kissing on someone’s ass cheeks. I thought he was really happy about getting some ass to kiss on his for his birthday and this picture was his way of coming out as a lover of salad tossing. I expected him to announce a collaboration with Drake next. But then my one brain cell (I’m being generous) started working and I realized that it’s not a pair of nalgas he has his lips on, it’s a belly full of baby. Anyone who cares about the goings on in Jessica Biel’s womb has known for a while that she’s knocked up with a TimberFetus that will hopefully inherit its dad’s natural Ramen noodle curls. Today, Justin finally confirmed that he’s going to be a dad. If you look down at your pubes, you’ll see that one of them has turned white. That’s from finding out that Justin Timberlake is going to be a dad. We’re all old.

Poor Jessica Biel. Justin hijacked her wedding cover of People Magazine and now he leaves her face out of his baby announcement picture. Are we sure that’s even Jessica? Are we sure that’s not a bewigged Joey Fatone after a belly wax?

And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”

Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses  and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.

McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin'” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).

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