Anyone fortunate enough to be intoxicated in the wee hours of the morning below the Mason-Dixon line understands how important Waffle House is. And for all of you Yankees not in the know, think of Waffle House as IHOP, but cheaper, quicker, and featuring waffles as the Beyonce of their menu. So you can imagine this life-saving beacon filled with Hangover Helper delights wants to ensure its menu does not succumb to this new generation of entitlement. And in that respect, Waffle House wants everyone who believes they are doing their brand a favor by creating options that are NOT on the menu to stop it immediately because they refuse to re-create any greedy menu hacks posted on TikTok today, tomorrow or ever.
Did you know about the Waffle House Index? It’s a legitimate measurement of a disaster, because come hell or high water, Waffle House stays open. The 24-hour restaurant chain has been open during hurricanes! So if Waffle House is closed, shit has hit the fan big time. And it has, because they have temporarily closed 365 stores due to coronavirus.
As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.
Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.
Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.
Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.
You could throw the script from The Last Picture Show, a 6-pack of Coca-Cola, and Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A. in a blender, and you still wouldn’t have as much American symbolism as there is in this story from The Hairpin (via Loganville-Grayson Patch) :
“A couple was arrested Sunday (Nov. 3) in connection to having sex while drunk in the Waffle House parking lot in Loganville.
According to the Loganville Police report, an officer saw the woman and male engaging in the sexual act in the backseat of a Dodge truck at the 4752 Atlanta Highway establishment around 1:30 a.m. The car smelled strongly of alcohol.
The officer told the couple to get dressed and show him their licenses. While the man immediately put his pants on and complied, the woman simply sat in the passenger’s seat. The officer had to tell her numerous times to put her clothes on, the report says.
But when the female finally got dressed, she attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal.”
She put a cheeseburger. On her foot. As if it were a sandal.
Never have I wanted to be friends with a stranger from the internet so badly. I’m going to spend the next 30 minutes searching hashtags like #CheeseburgerSandal and #PrideOfLoganville on Twitter because I want to invite her to my birthday party. Wearing a cheeseburger as a shoe is next-level bonkers and I, for one, want to see what other varieties of crazy she brings to the table. I could see myself telling other guests: “No, that birthday cake isn’t for eating; it’s for when Charla polishes off that case of beer and I convince her it’s gotten cold enough in here to wear a hat.”
Truth Time: This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of someone wearing a cheeseburger as a shoe. This story may only be funny to myself (send me your address and I’ll write you a personal letter of apology later) but one time a friend and I were walking past McDonald’s and she stepped on a cheeseburger that someone had dropped (unwrapped, otherwise I would have considered eating it. And yes, gross). Her foot made contact with the bun and she slid erratically across the sidewalk and into the crosswalk with a cheeseburger stuck to the bottom of her foot. Then a homeless man laughed at her for slipping and sliding on a McDonald’s cheeseburger which, in retrospect, I think he may have put it there as some kind of post-modern banana peel gag. Or he was expecting her to wear it as a shoe, I have no idea; we’re talking about cheeseburger shoes here.