In 9 months, El Niño will be coming through. – perky

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Snow plow. – MsPotatoHead

Pic: Bro My God

The real stars of the Super Bowl Halftime Show: THE DANCING SHARKS! 

That halftime show should’ve been called Pepsi presents THE DANCING SHARKS (featuring Missy Elliott, Lenny Kravitz, The More You Know Star, disco Battle Cat and Katy Perry), because to me that was the order from best to meh. In that picture above, Katy Perry and her Hot Dog on a Stick costume should be stomping lemonade in the back for those Dancing Sharks who are definitely working up a thirst by delivering piping hot moves.

Katy Perry’s halftime show was like a cross between a Disney parade and an elementary school drag show. It was like watching two 8-year-olds play with Barbies and Transformers on a She-Ra play set while high on acid. At times, I was into Katy Perry’s mess of a show, because it looked like every Saturday morning cartoon from the 80s took a violent shit all over the field, but at other times I decided to protect my ears and nerves by taking my ass to the toilet to empty my bladder of the 10 gallons of sweet nectar I guzzled down to get through that shit. But I was totally in that shit when the Dancing Sharks popped up on my screen. They instantly became the MVPs in everyone’s heart.

Snoop Dogg joked that he was in one of those shark plushie costumes, but it was obvious that professional dancers who trained at Juilliard were in those shark costumes and now they can put DANCING SHARK at the top of their resumes. I’m sure Jabberjaw’s twins will be announced as the new head judges of So  You Think You Can Dance and one of them will star in a remake of Dirty Dancing (which will probably end with a Dancing Shark biting off Baby’s legs, because it can’t help it. It’s a shark!).

This is what it looks like when two drunk sharks try to do the Macarena. It’s glorious and the one on the left is a real artist for taking some creative freedom by going off script and ad-libbing dance moves.

I was going to post the entire halftime show for those of you hos who didn’t see it, but why bother? The only thing you need to see are THE DANCING SHARKS! Okay, click here to see it, but just skip to the 4:30 mark for the beautiful dancing shark ballet.

Pics: Reuters, AP, Getty

Ina Garten (67)
Lil Debbie (25)
Zosia Mamet (27)
Gerard Piqué (28)
Gemma Arterton (29)
Rich Sommer (37)
Shakira (38)
Marissa Jaret Winokur (42)
Dana International (43)
Jennifer Westfeldt (45)
Adam Ferrara (49)
Michael T. Weiss (53)
Kim Zimmer (60)
Christie Brinkley (61)
Duane “Dog” Chapman (62)
Brent Spiner (66)
Barry Diller (73)
Liz Smith (92)

My favorite part of the Puppy Bowl has always been the all-pussy half-time show, because I truly love animals that don’t give a fuck not giving a single fuck. Case in point, the star of this year’s half-time show, Katty Furry. Katty Furry is supposed to be the cat version of Super Bowl half-time show headliner Katy Perry, but she looks more like a down-on-her-luck Adore Delano impersonator named Clawdore Meowlano getting her mugshot taken after she was busted by CVS security for stuffing bags of tuna-flavored Whiskas Temptations into her panties at 2am. Which is to say, she looks perfect and I want to be her when I grow up.

And that picture of Katty Furry could also double as video of her half-time show, because as you’ll see below, that bitch did NOT move. She literally stood there mentally counting down the seconds till the humiliation was over and she could go back to licking her butt and swiping salmon rolls from the craft services table. That, or she was plotting how to get revenge on her owner for letting Animal Planet put her in such a janky wig.

Pic: Animal Planet

When it was announced that Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams Ryan Adams were quitting their 6-year marriage to each other, I immediately pictured Mandy wearing a floor-length lilac chiffon gown carefully packing boxes of Ryan’s things as Ryan sits cross-legged on the floor singing “(Say so long) Don’t say goodbye” to their army of cats before he rides away on a cloud of air kisses to his new house. Basically, I assumed it was as amicable as amicable could be.

However, according to UsWeekly, I couldn’t have been more wrong and it’s starting to get dramatic. A source claims that Mandy is “totally shocked” by how Ryan handled their split, and not in the ‘wow, he’s being surprisingly mature about it’ way either. Apparently the two had discussed that Mandy would file for divorce, which made Ryan all panicky and try to work things out with Mandy, before saying fuck it, and skipping down to the court house to file the divorce papers himself.

She’s also pissed that he listed their date of separation as August 4, 2014, a date the source claims is BS and is financially motivated. Apparently Mandy and Ryan didn’t have a prenup, which we’ve all learned from Hollywood Divorces 101 means that this shit is about to get MESSY. No word on whether Ryan is afraid Mandy is going to come after his indie rock money or he’s trying to get his greasy hands on half of her A Walk to Remember cash. But regardless of when Ryan thinks they separated, the source says Mandy sort of mentally checked out a while ago:

“She had been unhappy for awhile. She tried to make things work and eventually she just had to walk away. She’s trying to keep things civil but is pretty upset about the way he’s handling this.”

I know we all sort of read that blind item from a while back about a former singer-turned-actress whose home was wrecked by some younger warbling hussy and our eyes darted quickly to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, but what if it turns out that Ryan really was spending all his free time rubbing his hipster bits on a yodeling butterscotch ho? I know Mandy Moore wants to take the high road and whatever, but I’m sure part of her is dying to pick up a Bible and whoop a trick Hilary Faye-style.

Before we get to that sexy Australian slice of lamington cake on the right, we need to talk about why in the HELL does Scarlett Johansson look like the low-budget love child of Miley Cyrus and a Spartan cheerleader?

The 2015 G’Day USA Gala (I literally just pictured an all-Bloomin’ Onion beauty pageant, because I am dumb) was held in Los Angeles on Saturday night. ScarJo was there to present her Avengers co-star and who People tells me is the sexiest man alive Chris Hemsworth with the Excellence in Film award, and during her speech, E! says she told a story about how the sight of a sleeping Thor on an airplane gave Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, and herself a case of the horn-horns:

“Chris decided to take a little cat nap. He collapsed into a giant perfect heap, his lion’s mane gracefully falling around his prominent chiseled features. ‘My, God,’ proclaimed Ruffalo, ‘what a specimen.’ Evans added ‘It’s incredible—the man is perfect even when he’s drooling.’ [I] just stared hoping that some of his stardust would drift my way.”

She then went on to say some stuff about Chris Hemsworth that sounds like it was copy+pasted from a user named TwelveInchHammer69 on a Thor/Loki fanfic site:

“He’s all at once sensitive and ferocious, otherworldly and grounded, is shockingly handsome and is surprisingly approachable. He is every man and like no man you’ve met before. He is versatile despite his physicality, which makes him a grade A movie star.”

She then added (she didn’t) “True story: when shooting wrapped on Avengers: Age of Ultron, I snuck into the makeup trailer and stole Chris’ Thor wig. I keep it in a drawer beside my bed and smell it whenever I need to get in the mood, and sometimes I put it on my French husband’s head while he’s asleep and pretend I’m married to Thor. Too weird?”

Here’s more of ScarJo looking like an ice dancer from Planet Zorg, as well as Chris and his wife Elsa Pataky, who no doubt spent the evening reminding all the horny hos that Thor is taken.

Pics: Splash