Today In Good Ideas: McDonald’s Will Soon Accept Acts Of Love As Payment

And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”

Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses  and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.

McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin'” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).

McDonald’s spokesperson Terri Hickey (please tell me giving a hickey is not part of the “random acts of lovin’“) says each McDonald’s will get to offer the promotion to 100 customers and they expect at least 1 million customer to participate in this mess. Late last year, it was reported that McDonald’s isn’t selling as many Big Macs as they used to and are rolling out a new “love campaign” to regain their title as the King of Shit Food. They announced that they were changing their slogan from “Lovin’ It” to “Lovin’ Is Greater Than Hatin.‘” via Eater

This morning, the burger giant released its new slogan. No, it’s not “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’,” as the Wall Street Journal originally wrote. . Burger Business reports that McDonald’s new slogan is “Lovin’ > Hatin'” or “Lovin’ is Greater Than Hatin’.”

Amid financial worries, the chain has been trying to reinvent itself even as its Chinese and Russian businesses continue to suffer. The suits behind creative agency Leo Burnett are reported to be behind the refresh of the 11-year-old “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign.

Their new slogan is way too close to my personal slogan: Nothin’ Is Greater Than Hatin’.

This is the worst idea. First of all, I’m really sure the cashier wants to watch you call your mom and tell her you love her. They don’t get paid enough as it is and they really don’t get paid enough to watch you do that. Second of all, I don’t want to speak for most people, but I’m going to speak for most people. I don’t think anyone goes to McDonald’s for loving human interaction. I’m cold and dead inside and I don’t like to feel things, so the last thing I want to do is hug a trick or blow an air kiss. I just want to get my food, go home, sit in a darkened corner and cry over my loneliness while filling my heart with grease. I don’t want to hug shit. Besides, what marketing genius said out loud, “Oh, I know, since McDonald’s needs to make more money, why don’t we do a promotion where customers pay with hugs instead of fucking money.”

If McDonald’s wants to get back on top, they need to offer something that’ll make people want to buy even more Big Macs. I usually only eat McDonald’s when I’m stoned, so they need to start selling McWeed. They will become a stoner’s paradise if they sell weed and french fries together. Drugs not hugs is the key!