Uh oh, that’s a plus-sized person? I’m secretly hoping she’s actually a 9-foot tall giant with a 58-inch waist, because I’m on my second Starbucks muffin and I’d really like to enjoy it without the overwhelming feeling of remorse my bloated bitch-ass stomach is pushing on me.

Yesterday we saw what the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue looked like (Illustrated being the key word, since it looked like someone drew Hannah Davis’ body in MS Paint) and we found out that they were making the suh brave decision to include an advertisement featuring a plus-size model. But as it turns out, the model in the ad isn’t technically first plus-size model in the issue. That honor goes to Australian plus-size model Robyn Lawley is. UsWeekly says Robyn is a 25-year-old “blogger-slash-painter-slash-author-slash-DJ” and is a size 10. She’s also currently very pregnant, so don’t expect to see her those busted snakeskin bikini bottoms any time soon.

Robyn is one of the SI swimsuit rookies this year, and she appears to be posing down at the ol’ watering hole. And here she is Photoshopped to look like she’s dry humping the bow of a canoe, because why not:

If she’s actually posing on that canoe and not green screened onto it, Andy Serkis-style, then she is legitimately the bravest model that ever lived. The canoe up at my cottage is always filled to the brim with thousands of dock spiders and I would be terrified that if I sat on the canoe like Robyn is, one would crawl into my cooch and lay eggs in it. “Yeah, we don’t have our babies in open sewer grates” hissed canoe spiders everywhere.

Oh look a butthole tool- How long till Katy Perry tries to date it? – complication

Upvote winner:

Coming next: “My Shiney Vaginey” as used on the latest Sports Ilustrated Swimsuit Edition cover. – Calimaria

Pic: Amazon (Thanks Kim)

Riunite, the world’s best-loved imported wine!

If you’re a refined wine connoisseur like me and only allow the best of the sweet nectars to touch your tongue, then you definitely know what Riunite is and regularly ask your in-house sommelier to stock your wine cellar with it (aka you buy it at Walgreens along with a bag of Doritos and always keep a bottle in your garage refrigerator). Riunite is the refined gentleman’s answer to Cisco. I know what Riunite is, but I’ve never seen its commercials from the 80s until reader Kerry sent me one yesterday and asked me if I remember it. I don’t remember the commercials and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one, but I’m glad that I’ve been enlightened and educated.

This whole time I’ve been pronouncing Riunite as “ree-yoo-night” and I learned that it’s actually pronounced “ree-yoo-knee-tee.” I should’ve known that Ree-Yoo-Knee-Tee is a fancy bitch like that. Riunite is your cousin Andrea who swears to you that her name is supposed to be pronounced “on-dray-uh.” Pronouncing Riunite the way it’s supposed to be pronounced makes the tip of my tongue feel like it just touched Alexis Carrington’s diamond nipple ring. It feels that luxurious.

Riunite’s commercial from the 80s let you know that you should enjoy Riunite with everything from tacos to burgers to fried chicken. Riunite on ice is perfect with anything and you should just drink it all day. This is my kind of commercial. I’m surprised the entire water industry didn’t collapse in the 80s from people quenching their thirst with Riunite instead of water.

I’m sure Riunite is also the perfect beverage to rinse your mouth out with after you get the barfs from drinking Riunite all damn day. Riunite and vomit goes nice with Riunite on ice!

Bonus: Here’s another Riunite ad from the 70s starring La Lucci. She really should’ve won her first Emmy for this riveting performance in this creepy ass commercial:

Zsa Zsa Gabor (98)
Dane DeHaan (29)
Kris Humphries (30)
Alice Eve (33)
Calum Best (34)
Kim Zmeskal (39)
Rick Astley (49)
Axl Rose (53)
Robert Townsend (58)
Kathy Najimy (58)
Natalie Cole (65)
Jim Sheridan (66)
Fabian (73)
Tom Brokaw (75)
Rip Torn (84)
Mamie Van Doren (84)

Pop stars and sharks are so in right now. Katy Perry got upstaged by two drunk sharks at the Super Bowl and here’s RiRi posing in Jaw’s mouth for Harper’s Bazaar. I’m sure this is just the beginning. Brit Brit will probably hire Shark Cat on a Roomba to open for her in Las Vegas and Miley Cyrus will fuck a live shark on stage – Lainey Gossip 

The daughter of Bruce Jenner and a fake boob is wearing fake boobs in Love Magazine. At this point, Love Magazine really just needs to change their name to Love Kardashians Magazine – Drunken Stepfather

What a candid and natural picture of Nikki Reed’s giant engagement ring – Celebitchy

Backdoor Farrah and her fake boyfriend of a minute are going on Couples Therapy, because reality TV is real and authentic – Reality Tea

And yet, this isn’t the most disappointing thing a Williams has done (see: That Peter Pan wreck)  – The Superficial

Now THIS is who should’ve performed at the Super Bowl Halftime Show – Jezebel

Things I Keep Doing: Mistaking Emily Rideajetski for Kendull Jenner – Hollywood Tuna

This is noted armpit sniffer Robert Pattinson’s dream post – The Berry

Lance Bass did his wedding special for E! to help the gay kids of the south – Towleroad

“Why do I only see 3 paps? I told my publicist I won’t walk to my SUV for less than 10 paps!” is probably what Taylor Swift is thinking to herself before she does the pap strut to her SUV – Popoholic

Pat Sajak has opinions about things – Pajiba

Who would you rather? A buff dildo or a melting Oscar statue? – WWTDD

Shakira Instagramm’d a picture of her newborn baby’s foot – Popsugar

Speaking of things you didn’t need to see… – Celebslam

Baby Emma Geller-Green #1 and #2 from Friends look like this now – HuffPo

Ashlee Simpson and Diana Ross’ son are having a girl and they better name that child Diana or Miss Ross Jr. – Just Jared

Bethenny Frankel wants you to know that Bethenny Frankel worked on Saved By The Bell – ICYDK

Vintage Chris Evans in drag – SOW

Pic: Bazaar

Most of the remakes that Hollywood farts up don’t need to exist, but this one really doesn’t need to exist. The original is just fine. The original never really scared me as a kid, though. I though that getting sucked into the TV sounded kind of fun. Yes, my mother got me therapy very early on in life. Anyway…

The remake, starring Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie Dewitt, has the same plot as the original but takes place in the now instead of in the early 80s. Judging by the trailer, they didn’t really modernize it that much. I mean, if you’re going to modernize Poltergeist, then the little girl should get sucked into a tablet, the medium should be the Long Island Medium (Ha! That family would be screwed if they got help from The Long Island Medium) and the creepy clown should be replaced by something more terrifying and sinister: a Justin Bieber doll. I’m also surprised that they found actors who want to be in this shit. If I was an actor and my agent asked me if I wanted to be in the Poltergeist remake, I’d scream back, “Bitch, are you wishing death upon me?” Three words: The Poltergeist Curse.

Here’s the trailer, judge for yourself:

Sam Raimi is behind this, so maybe it won’t be totally awful, but I really don’t know. I just don’t see how it can work. I mean, it is missing the only ingredient that truly matters: TANGINA (which sounds like a nickname for Tan Mom’s twat).

Making a Poltergeist movie without Tangina is like making a cake without flour or making a white wine spritzer without Sprite (you can throw me a “you trash” side-eye, but you know I’m right).

The house is not clean until Tangina herself says it’s clean.

GIF: Aunt John