Candace Bergen Isn’t Here For Your All-Kale Diets

That’s pretty much the same face I gave my doctor when she not-so-subtly suggested I cut back on my Dorito intake (NEVAH!!!).

Shameless food enthusiast and face-stuffing hero Candice Bergen is back once again to give us her thoughts on food. Of course, Candice could have saved herself some time and just shouted “IT’S DELICIOUS, THE END“, but Murphy Brown is far more eloquent than that. During an appearance on the Today show to pimp out her memoirs, A Fine Romance, semi-professional creep Matt Lauer asked Candice about the comments she’d made about not giving in to rich lady peer pressure by eating only low-calorie air and fat free water. That’s when Candice took aim at all the Goopy Paltrow types whose upper buttholes are still trying to process the single slice of organic kale casserole they ate last week by saying:

“It was a scant reference on page 150 or something. I was just saying, I don’t enjoy eating lunch with some women who only have kale. I just find it limiting. I’d rather not go on, if that’s what I have to eat to fuel myself.”

Somewhere, a giant plate of pasta carbonara just shed a single tear of pure joy.

I think I get what Candice is saying. Kale is delicious, but too much is no bueno. I used to work with this dude who ate kale every day for lunch. Just kale. No dressing, no Craisins, no nothing – just a giant container of kale. And of course, he loved talking about how good his body was because of it. He later got a major case of the kidney stones and had to take a week off work to piss them all out. And I’m sure the giant bundle of kale in his fridge was laughing at him the whole time. Kale can be a real jerk like that.