Category: This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Kim Kardashian And Ivanka Trump Had A 3-Hour Dinner Together And Probably Discussed Kanye West’s Antisemitic Remarks

October 24, 2022 / Posted by:

With beloved people like Coolio, Angela Lansbury, Leslie Jordan, and Robbie Coltrane recently passing away so close together, I was starting to feel like maybe they knew about something ominous that we didn’t. And just as I was trying to convince myself that I was being irrational and to toss that neurotic thought, the Queen of Thots, Kim Kardashian, joined forces with daddy’s favorite deplorable, Ivanka Trump. Although Kim’s busy with things like trying to make jewelry out of her mom’s bones and Ivanka’s busy making sure that her mom Ivana Trump’s grave stays grave; the two obvious harbingers of evil took time out of their busy schedules to meet for a dinner that lasted three hours–where they probably plotted about other possible means to fell humanity that don’t include more procreation. They also allegedly discussed Kim’s ex-husband Kanye West’s warp-speed downward spiral into blatant antisemitism.

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This Is What Happens When You Let A Child Near A $15,000 LEGO Sculpture

June 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh, you sweet, naive red ropes. You thought you could prevent such a disaster, didn’t you? Red ropes, when will you learn that four feet of hanging horizontal nylon is no match for a child hell-bent on destruction.

There is a reason for why this picture will probably make you wince hard, and it has nothing to do with imagining stepping on one of those LEGOs with a bare foot. This is a picture of a $15,000 LEGO sculpture of Nick Wilde from Disney’s Zootopia. Or at least, what was a LEGO sculpture of Nick Wilde from Disney’s Zootopia.

According to CCTVNews (via NY Daily Mail), a Chinese LEGO sculptor known simply as Mr. Zhao decided to make a human-sized sculpture of Nick Wilde. CCTVNews says that Mr. Zhao’s LEGO Nick was worth more than 100,000 yuan, or about $15,000 USD. They don’t say how many LEGOs it took Mr. Zhao to build Nick, but I’m going to guess it roughly a fuckload. It also took him three days and three nights. Look at it; of course it did. This isn’t the kind of thing you throw together while laying on the floor on your stomach as you watch SpongeBob.


Mr. Zhao took that giant stoned-looking plastic fox to a LEGO expo in Ningbo last Sunday and put it on display. It took less than an hour for some disrespectful child (probably a Mega Bloks fan) to scoot under the ropes and knock it down. You might think that seeing his precious LEGO sculpture crash into a zillion pieces would bring the kind of rage that trying to pry two thin bricks apart brings, but no. Mr. Zhao was cool about it.

The internet, however, wasn’t so kind. They reacted how you’d think they’d react: they went for the parents of the LEGO-wrecking child. Which means they’re either super serious about good behavior, LEGO, or animated foxes. Or all three, which might be the weirdest, most random fandom in existence.

Mr. Zhao insists that the child, who was about 4 or 5 years old, “didn’t mean to break it.” He also accepted an apology from the parents, but declined any compensation. He said no to money? Mr. Zhao’s hands may be 96% plastic splinters, but his heart is pure gold.

Pics: Facebook

Idris Elba Thinks We’ll Never See Idris Elba As James Bond, And It’s All Our Faults

April 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Sad news for those of you who have spent the past four months on your knees praying to St. Hollywood that Idris Elba would be chosen as the next James Bond, because according to Idris Elba, it’s probably not going to happen. And the reason it’s not going to happen is because we wanted it too much. Originally, Idris Elba was laughing off the rumor, but during a conversation with London’s British Film Institute (via THR) yesterday, he made it clear that we’ve got a better chance of seeing a Kardashian with a deflated ass than seeing Idris Elba as Bond:

“Honestly, it’s a rumor that’s really starting to eat itself. If there was ever any chance of me getting Bond, it’s gone.”

No! Say it ain’t so, Luther! Unless I hear it from Mr. Bond himself (I don’t know anything about James Bond, but that sounds sort of right to me), I refuse to believe the dream is dead. I don’t want to live in a world that would deny us the chance to see Idris Elba stroll out of the ocean in a pair of junk-hugging short shorts or lighting panties on fire with the sight of him in a red diaper and thigh-high boots. Yes, I know that’s Zardoz, but my mind chooses to believe that just like former James Bond Sean Connery, Idris Elba would also choose to follow up his role as 007 with some sexy sci-fi future fuckery. Is it too much to ask for a half-naked Idris Elba? Just let me have this Hollywood! Come on, I saw The World Is Not Enough twice – I think I deserve this.

The Dumb Trash Of America Have Something To Say About Coca-Cola’s Super Bowl Ad

February 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Before you keep reading, I strongly suggest pouring yourself a tall glass of Champale, packing a bowl with whatever you choose (I’m choosing cotton candy), and wrapping up in the quilt that makes you the warmest and happiest, because I’m about to remind you that opinions are like assholes: everybody’s got one, and some are constantly pushing out shit.

Last night during the Bruno Mars Presents The Fur Coat Expensive Commercials (and also some football) Spectacular, a Coca-Cola spot featuring an ethnically-diverse group of people singing “America the Beautiful” aired during the second half of the game, and it made thousands of loudmouth pieces of trash stop slamming cans of Mountain Dew long enough to take to Twitter in a depressing flurry of backwards-type hatred. According to Us Weekly, the critiques ranged from ‘Ugh…really?’ to ‘Oh fuck, REALLY??’:

Within minutes of the commercial airing, enraged watchers took to Twitter to voice their grievances over the multi-lingual rendition of the iconic tune and a segment which spotlights a same-sex couple and their daughter.

Several tweeters cried out for all fellow citizens to “speak English” while others complained that the commercial showed Muslim Americans, calling them “terrorists” and using other slurs.

I think I used to work with one of those people. After hearing a customer speaking in broken English, this girl I was working with stage-whispers: “If ya cain’t speak any anglish, y’all should go back to where from you come.” Excuuuuuse you bitch, but you can barely speak English and your ignorant ass was born here. What is it about the fools with the toughest grasp on reality having the most to say? Science, figure it out, please.

And if people are getting this bent out of shape over singing a song in a bunch of languages and a kid with two dads, then I’m very interested in what they had to say about Budweiser’s ad where a puppy fall in love with a horse“It ain’t natural! Stop trying to shove your liberal inter-species agenda down our throats!”

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