Mary Steenburgen Says “Book Club 2” Is Coming With Gal Pals Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda And Candice Bergen
God’s prophet on Earth’s mother, Mary Steenburgen, was on Andy Cohen‘s Sirius radio show and because us gays love a talented older woman, she just had to tell him about a dinner party she gave recently with her Book Club co-stars Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Jane Fonda. That is a “yas kween” moment to me, honey (I’m also secretly a forty-three year old housewife). And during the discussion about the most estrogen-filled/menopausal room since Barbara Walters left The View, Mary spilled to Andy that there is going to be a Book Club 2. You know I saw the first one in theaters along with 100 other middle-aged women and my best friend who knits on the weekend, so I. Can’t. Wait! Continue reading
Reboot/revival/whatever fever is alive and well, and yesterday Murphy Brown stepped up to plate. Candice Bergen can honestly do no wrong in my book, but after a day of everyone watching the Supreme Court hearing of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and a screaming Brett Kavanaugh, people may have needed a break from political shit. The Murphy Brown reboot didn’t get the best of ratings considering it’s on CBS and those shows still hit 1997-style ratings since it’s the nursing home network of choice, but they did at least get Hillary “Hilary” Clinton in a cameo where she tried to get a job as Murphy’s secretary.
CBS saw NBC and ABC getting big ratings for Will & Grace and Roseanne, and was just like, “Hold my beer.” The trailers for both the return of Murphy Brown and the new Magnum P.I. dropped. While Kween Candice Bergen, long-lost Louisiana gator Faith Ford and more are back for Murphy, Tom Selleck is NOWHERE to be found in the Magnum reboot. If there’s no facial hair, I won’t watch! (JK…wait until you see the abs on the newbie!) Continue reading
Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Finally, Hollywood has given us what we’ve all been waiting for: a movie about rich white ladies reading Fifty Shades of Grey. If only Smell-O-Vision existed for real, movie theaters would be filled with the scent of fancy perfume and Metamucil-infused panty pudding.
The final cinematic dingle in the Fifty Shits series came out last month, but the diarrhea-dripping words of E.L. James are continuing to terrorize us thanks to a movie that surprisingly enough, didn’t come from the mind of Nancy Meyers. Bill Holderman directed and co-wrote Book Club, which is about rich white ladies who live in Ethan Allen showrooms, exclusively wear St. John and whose lives get “spiced up” from reading Fifty Shades of Grey. It stars Jane Fonda, a ginger Raquel Welch wig (see: Jane Fonda’s head), Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen as the rich white ladies. Also in it are fine bottle of Cuban wine Andy Garcia, Craig T. Nelson, Anastasia Steele’s dad Don Johnson, Richard Dreyfuss, Ed Begley Jr., Wallace Shawn and Alicia Silverstone.
Give Murphy Brown the Oscar now, because she deserves it for looking like she’s actually interested in reading that mess.
For those of you who have the sads over Sex and the City 3 not happening, then I just need to tell you that you’re crazy and a masochist. I also need to tell you that Book Club is the Sex and the City 3 movie you never knew existed. Diane Keaton IS Carrie Bradshaw, Candice Bergen IS Miranda Hobbes, Mary Steenburgen IS Charlotte York, and Jane Fonda IS Samantha Jones.
And not only will Candice win the Oscar for this, but so will the special effects artists for CGI’ing Jane Fonda’s face circa the 197os onto current day Jane Fonda.
That’s pretty much the same face I gave my doctor when she not-so-subtly suggested I cut back on my Dorito intake (NEVAH!!!).
Shameless food enthusiast and face-stuffing hero Candice Bergen is back once again to give us her thoughts on food. Of course, Candice could have saved herself some time and just shouted “IT’S DELICIOUS, THE END“, but Murphy Brown is far more eloquent than that. During an appearance on the Today show to pimp out her memoirs, A Fine Romance, semi-professional creep Matt Lauer asked Candice about the comments she’d made about not giving in to rich lady peer pressure by eating only low-calorie air and fat free water. That’s when Candice took aim at all the Goopy Paltrow types whose upper buttholes are still trying to process the single slice of organic kale casserole they ate last week by saying:
“It was a scant reference on page 150 or something. I was just saying, I don’t enjoy eating lunch with some women who only have kale. I just find it limiting. I’d rather not go on, if that’s what I have to eat to fuel myself.”
Somewhere, a giant plate of pasta carbonara just shed a single tear of pure joy.
I think I get what Candice is saying. Kale is delicious, but too much is no bueno. I used to work with this dude who ate kale every day for lunch. Just kale. No dressing, no Craisins, no nothing – just a giant container of kale. And of course, he loved talking about how good his body was because of it. He later got a major case of the kidney stones and had to take a week off work to piss them all out. And I’m sure the giant bundle of kale in his fridge was laughing at him the whole time. Kale can be a real jerk like that.