In other words, Lenny Kravitz’s dick didn’t break free from that denim cage of suffocation and make an appearance in these pictures taken at a photo exhibition in Vienna, Austria today. I hate the makers of those jeans for making jeans that don’t split wide open at the crotch when Lenny makes any sudden moves.

Lenny Kravitz’s pierced dick became the most-talked about dick on the Internet last week, which is a major triumph considering how much attention the flaccid blotchy dick named Donald Trump got. Lenny’s pierced peen flopped out and stole the hearts (and other parts) of the Internet when his leather pants split open while performing in Stockholm. Lenny wasn’t wearing chonies. At first, he laughed it off, but now his lawyers are apparently threatening to sue bitches who post the pictures of Lenny’s soft-serve dick. They consider it a violation of human rights. Yes, a violation of human rights and I’m really sure the United Nations will launch an investigation into this.

But really, Lenny’s lawyers can try to scrub his pierced dick from the Internet, but there’s no way they can scrub the tattoo of his peen I got on the inside of my ass crack. Good luck trying to scrub that away, Lenny’s lawyers!

Pics: Wenn.com

Because Nicki Minaj wanted to switch the focus from her coattail rider Meek Mill getting ran over several times by Wheelchair Jimmy in a stupid diss track battle, she called him her “baby father” during a show in Pittsburgh on Saturday night. Some thought that meant that there’s a rhinestone-encrusted fetus growing in between her exercise balls titties and her exercise balls ass. But in a shocking PLOT TWIST,  it turns out that Nicki doesn’t have a CASE OF THE BABIES. She’s just parched for some quick attention and also calls her closest hos her “baby father.”

Nicki responded to the rumor that she’s knocked up on Twitter by tweeting 8 crying emojis. Too bad she can’t lick up the tears on those crying emojis since she’s obviously thirsty. TMZ says that Nicki has called Meek her “baby father” before and it’s just a term of endearment she uses with tricks she likes. Nicki is not pregnant and I believe it. If she really was, Meek wouldn’t be performing in her show. He’d be too busy turning himself into an actual windmill by doing a hundred cartwheels down the street to celebrate the blank check brewing in Nicki’s womb.

TMZ’s source says that Nicki even calls Lil Wayne her “baby father.” It doesn’t mean anything. Okay, but Nicki shouldn’t joke like that. Unlike Meek, I bet Lil Wayne really is her baby father. When most people hug Lil Wayne, they suddenly feel a rumbling down below and they think the Chipolte they had for dinner is about to reappear in a big way out of their asshole. But after they sit on the toilet and push, they give birth to a baby that was conceived when they hugged Lil Wayne. Dude is THAT fertile and he’s probably everybody’s baby father.

Pic: Splash

A cloud of black smoke was seen rushing down the street in L.A. shortly after midnight this morning and that was just Pimp Mama Kris scurrying her ass to the offices of Vivid Entertainment. Now that PMK’s youngest ATM, Kylie Jenner, is officially 18, she can finally turn that trick out by selling a sex tape to Vivid. It’s a pimp mother’s proudest moment.

Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood really became fame whore central last night when the entire Kartrashian koven and the paparazzi they called came out to celebrate Kylie Jenner’s 18th birthday. On Friday night, Kylie was papped driving a Mercedes G-Wagon (in shade: Look At Me Red) and TMZ said that it was a gift from her piece PedoTyga. TMZ later found out that the G-Wagon used to belong to Tyga’s baby mother Blac Chyna and when they broke up, she gave it back and he painted it red. Some of us burned 5 pounds of fat from laughing at the thought of Tyga recycling a gift. But TMZ is now saying that Kylie was just driving the G-Wagon. Tyga never gave it to her. Tyga’s real gift to his barely legal piece was a $260,000 Ferrari convertible. Tyga can’t even pay rent, but yet he somehow can afford to buy a Ferrari? My guess is that one of two things happened:

1. Tyga pawned off his exquisite Garfield chain to put a down payment on that Ferrari. In a few months, the paparazzi will capture Kylie trying to squeeze out authentic tears from her Botoxed ducts as Sonia from Operación Repo repossess her Ferrari.

2. PMK paid for that Ferrari and gave it to Tyga to give to Kylie, because she doesn’t want it to look like her little moneymaker is being taken advantage of by a disgusting leach who is using her for attention and cash.

And judging by the open-mouthed demonic look that PMK is making in the picture above, it’s totally number two. It’s surprising that PMK is not squirting out a crotch geyser of excitement from all the cameras on her.

Here’s more pictures from Kylie’s birthday including some of Kylie working the “rejected Rock of Love Bus contestant” look in that blond wig as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian that there are no words for.

Pics: Splash

The clit boner-inducer of Tumblr, Bendydick Cumsinsnatches, is playing the title role in a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Centre in London and even though some of the reviews say to skip it, it has already sold out, because Cumberbitches will sell the internal organs of their children to breathe in the same air as their god. But well, apparently some of the Cumberbitches aren’t giving the holy walls of the THI-TURR the respect it deserves and are acting like pieces of trash by taking pictures of The Alien Lizard King while he’s trying to do serious acting stuff.

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E! News says that after Kim Richards, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the little blonde girl in Escape to Witch Mountain, was arrested for allegedly committing a low-budget Winona Ryder by stealing cheap crap (more on that in a second) at Target, she spent some time in a hospital for reasons unknown. Kim was later released and was seen out in L.A. on Saturday.

UsWeekly co-signed E!’s story and also said that her family are the ones who urged her to check into the hospital since she’s obviously in a bad, bad way. Radar says that Kim’s family is taking a tip from Daddy Spears’ handbook titled “How To Get Your Loved One Together Before Shit Really Gets Serious” by considering a 5150 hold. Kim recently spent time in rehab and she claimed she was sober, but a source says she’s definitely off the wagon.

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Those of us who thought that the train wreck custody battle between Kelly Rutherford and her ex-husband Daniel Giersch would eventually become a reboot of Not Without My Daughter were right when she refused to return her kids, Hermes and Helena, back to their dad in Monaco. As part of their custody agreement, Kelly got the kids for the summer in NYC and she was supposed to ship them back to their daddy, but she didn’t.

Daniel’s US Visa was revoked a while ago, but Kelly says that he can use his German passport to come to America to “exercise his parental rights” just as she has done in France and Monaco. So, Hermes and Helena are still in NYC and now their dad is calling Kelly a shameless kidnapper. It’s times like these when I want to thank my dad for busting out on us instead of turning me into a tug ‘o rope by getting into a disaster of a custody fight with my mom. Yes, I’m fucked up, but I may have turned out even more fucked up (yes, that’s possible, I think) if my parents pulled a Kelly and Daniel.

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