The SI: Swimsuit Issue former cover girl vs. non-skinny current cover girl cage match continues. Even though Ashley Graham recently let Cheryl Tiegs know that she truly doesn’t care what she or any other concerned person thinks about her non-skinny body on the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue, Cheryl Tiegs has more to say to Ashley.

Cheryl wrote an open letter to Ashley on The Huffington Post in an attempt to clarify the comments she made last week about how irresponsible it is for Sports Illustrated to glamorize Ashley’s obviously unhealthy body. (I say “obviously” because Dr. Oz told Cheryl so.) Cheryl wants Ashley to know that the original question wasn’t specifically about her and that the media has “manufactured” a feud between the two of them. Um, is now a bad time to remind Cheryl that technically she’s the one who manufactured the feud with that backhanded compliment about Ashley’s “beautiful, beautiful” face?

Cheryl goes on to say that she wasn’t equating beauty to weight, but that she was just trying to school the fatties of America on their “lack of education” about healthy choices and increased obesity-related health issues, like diabetes and heart disease. In regards to what qualifies Cheryl as such an expert on health, she wants you to know she got her facts from the Center for Disease Control, Harvard, and the American Diabetes Association in addition to what she learned watching Dr. Oz from the comfort of her couch.

As for her comment about having one foot in the grave if your waist is larger than 35 inches (FYI: Ashley says hers is 29.5), Cheryl admits that hers is 37 inches. So I guess Cheryl’s next open letter will be to herself?

She closed it by apologizing to Ashley if her words offended her (aka sorry-not-sorry’s formal cousin) and congratulating her on influencing women to love their bodies. Which is so lazy of her. If you’re going to commit to a Facebook-style passive aggressive open letter, everyone knows you wrap it up with the words “I mean, I’m just sayin…’“.

Here’s Ashley, who probably took Cheryl’s unopened open letter and slipped it directly into the trash, on GMA this morning.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

UPDATE: TMZ says that the cop in this story claims that he did call the LAPD right after the construction worker gave him the knife in 2002. The cop retired from the LAPD in 1998. A supervisor at the West L.A. division of the LAPD apparently told the retired cop that the case is closed since O.J. was acquitted. The supervisor didn’t care about the knife so the cop took it him. The LAPD is currently investigating as to whether he made that call or not. And here we are….

Let’s say you’re an LAPD cop earning some extra coins on your off-duty hours by working security on a film set that happens to be across from O.J. Simpson’s old estate in Brentwood, CA. Let’s also say that while you’re working, a construction worker comes up to you and shows you a knife he found buried on O.J.’s property. What do you do:

– You drop everything and take it to the police. Because common sense tells you that you may be holding an important piece of evidence since O.J. Simpson’s ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman were both stabbed to death in 1994 with a knife and the murder weapon was never found.

or:

– You decide to redefine the meaning of “buffoonery” by holding onto the knife for years. Then after keeping it in your box of keepsakes for years, you pull it out and decide to have it framed and engraved at the mall store Things Remembered Possible Murder Weapons Remembered, so you ask your friend in the LAPD Robbery Homicide Division for the department record number of the Simpson/Goldman murder case.

The officer of this possibly true story went with the second option. If this story was a Choose Your Adventure book and you went with the second option, on the page you turned to would be the words: You just failed! Close this book and immediately go to a corner to reevaluate your life choices.

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Congratulations, Kardashians! It’s been a while since your family got some attention that didn’t begin with the words “Kanye West had another Twitter meltdown…”

According to People, the least-popular Hot Looks doll, Kendall Jenner, allegedly tried to fist a pap (“That’s disgusting! But go on…” said an interested Kanye) outside of a nightclub in Paris last night. Kendall channeled her inner Naomi Campbell after the pap got a bit too close to her while she was leaving with fellow famous model friend Gigi Hadid.

People says Kendall’s bodyguard got involved by restraining the pap. Here’s one picture of Kendall looking madder than Kris Jenner every time Rob declares his love for fellow rubber-faced succubus Blac Chyna on Instagram.

Kendall Jenner allegedly throws punch at paparazzo outside Paris nightclub https://t.co/gL8jVRbqxO pic.twitter.com/qbt3XnQwMs

— People Magazine (@people) March 4, 2016

Kendall’s alleged freak-out on the paparazzi (aka her family’s reason for continued relevancy) feels a bit surprising, considering that she has Kris and Caitlyn Jenner’s attention-loving DNA flowing through her veins. But Kendall admitted on her website last month that, unlike the rest of her family, she doesn’t exactly get a 4-hour orgasm from seeing a crowd of paps fighting to take her picture. I doubt Kendall will get in trouble back at the Kardashian Kompound for attempting to punch a pap. What she will get in trouble for is that none of it was caught on video. “Honey, have I not taught you anything? Maximum exposure = maximum attention.” will say Kris, before silently wondering where she went wrong.

Here’s Kendall in Paris earlier today.

Pics: Splash

The Fulton County District Attorney’s Office tried to keep Bobbi Kristina Brown’s autopsy results sealed because they’re still investigating her death. But WXIA, a local news station in Atlanta, screamed, “What about our First Amendment rights?“, at a judge, so the results were released today on what would’ve been Bobbi Kristina Brown’s 23rd birthday. If you need to turn away now and fill your head with more adorable adventures from Chihuahua King Richie and his gang of furlings, I understand and I’m with you on that.

According to ABC News, the autopsy report says that Bobbi Kristina died of a combination of drowning and the bad shit. The report says that several drugs were found in her system including: booze, a coke-related substance, weed, a sedative, an anti-anxiety medication and morphine. The Medical Examiner added that toxicology tests didn’t show if the morphine was from heroin use or not. The Medical Examiner also hasn’t been able to determine if her death was accidental or intentional. Here’s a piece of the statement from the Medical Examiner’s Office:

“The underlying cause of death is the condition which starts the downhill course of events leading to death and in this case is the immersion associated with drug intoxication. The pneumonia and encephalopathy are more immediate causes which resulted from the immersion and drug intoxication.”

Bobbi Kristina was found unconscious in her bathtub on January 31, 2015. She died almost 6 months later. As you know, Bobbi Kristina’s mother Whitney Houston died of accidental drowning, but heart disease and coke use also contributed to her death.

The case of Bobbi Kristina’s death is still open. Investigators are reportedly running their Detective La Toya-brand magnifying glasses over Bobbi Kristina’s “adopted brother”/boyfriend Nick Gordon, because they believe he may have had something to do with her death. Bobbi Kristina’s estate also sued Nick Gordon for $40 million claiming he gave her a toxic mixture of the bad shit. The ME also confirmed that Bobbi Kristina’s body was covered in bruises and scars.

Bobbi Kristina’s father, Bobbay B, who is reportedly drying out in rehab, said this to ABC News after the autopsy report was released to public eyes:

“First and foremost, 23 years ago today, Bobbi Kristina was born. Krissy will always live in my heart and soul. I love my baby girl. For news affiliates to seek and obtain my daughter’s autopsy report, before anyone has been brought to justice for her death is mind blowing to me. Please pray for my family.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Jerry Hall and her super villain billionaire boo Rupert Murdoch announced a couple of days ago that they’re getting married this Saturday, but I guess these two crazy kids just couldn’t wait to legally bind their everlasting and genuine love. Because Jerry and Rupie officially got married today. They celebrated their new legal union by posing for photographers. This picture definitely warmed my no-heart, because Jerry Hall has glow about her. It’s the kind of glow that covers your face when the direct deposit from your job hits on Thursday night instead of Friday morning.

The BBC says that 59-year-old Jerry Hall and 84-year-old Rupert Murdoch got married in a civil ceremony at Spencer House in London today. It was just a ceremony to make things legal. Their big wedding ceremony will happen tomorrow at St. Brides church. Jerry and Rupie have only been pounding each other’s fuck parts for a few months and they got engaged around 7 weeks ago. I hope all of the drugstores in London are fully stocked with KY, because Rupert is going to tear his wife’s ass up tonight.

Jerry is now the real-life Bond villain’s fourth wife and Rupert is Jerry’s first husband since her marriage to Mick Jagger was declared null and void. Rupert has 6 children and Jerry has 4 children with Mick Jagger.

Because we’re all dead-hearted money-grubbing whores who don’t think that true love exists, we’re probably all wondering one thing: What about the prenup? Silly us! Jerry obviously married Rupert because she’s never felt a love like this before and she’d be with that demon frog even if his banks accounts were as empty as his soul. So I’m sure she proved that her love for him is genuine by signing a prenup that states she gets NOTHING! Or maybe when she was about to sign the prenup, she yelled, “Look! A giant Werther’s Original,” and as Rupert looked away, she quickly switched out the papers with papers that state she gets EVERYTHING!

Either way, congrats, you two love birds.

Pics: Getty, AP

Take a good look at Ozzy Osbourne’s “Oh shit” eyes in that picture above; they’ll be making an appearance later in this story.

Earlier this week, the ladies of The Talk discussed the story of Susan Sarandon’s aspiring-blogger daughter who fired her nanny after the nanny tried to seduce her husband. Sharon Osbourne had a lot to say, because she says she knows a thing or two about nanny drama. Sharon worked full-time when her kids Aimee, Kelly, and Jack were little. Since leaving three children with 1980s Ozzy Osbourne would have sent a direct red alert to CPS, she hired several nannies to look after them. According to Sharon (via UsWeekly), all of her nannies were a bunch of Ozzy-banging fame whores.

“We used to have four nannies, because I had three children. I would work five days a week, I would travel. You can’t work a nanny 7 days a week, so there would be four nannies, rotating. And I’m telling you, they were the bane of my existence. They were all wanting to be celebrities, they all want money. Unlucky me…I caught two of them in bed with Ozzy, different times.”

That’s what you get for scouting potential nannies in the parking lot of a Black Sabbath concert, Sharon. No, they clearly came from London’s skankiest nanny agency, Pussy Poppins.

Darlene Conner piped up and said that maybe Ozzy was the one Sharon should’ve been pissed at, considering he was the one writing the end-of-week bonus checks with his dick. But it’s not Ozzy’s fault, says Sharon, because he didn’t know he was fucking the nannies.

“No way, he’s out of his mind. He’s calling them his first wife, he’s calling them me.”

Eventually Sharon decided to solve her problems by hiring a male nanny named “Big Dave.” Sharon’s final thought on nannies: “Never trust a nanny.”

I know this isn’t a #NotAllNannies situation, but Sharon’s first mistake in finding a nanny that wouldn’t fuck her husband was not hiring an 85-year-old no-shit-given, brown-nylon-stockings-wearing grandma. Although, even that might not have been enough. After all, she’s still a woman. And no woman in the 1980s could resist the human Spanish Fly that was a coke-snorting, bat head-biting Ozzy Osbourne.

Pic: Splash