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Hot on the heels of being told to shut it, wrap it up and generally keep quiet about her messy divorce from her son, Madonna is back at it. No. Not in a ‘Damn Daniel‘ way. What the fuck is ‘Damn Daniel‘? I don’t get it. Earlier this week, a judge told Madonna and her ex, Guy Ritchie, that they need to be more private about their custody battle over Rocco Ritchie, who is 15. We all knew that the chances of that happening were about the same as the chances that someone would believe John Travolta‘s eyebrows in American Crime Story are human and natural.

TMZ posted this video taken at a Madonna concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Friday night where she almost lets loose some tears but chooses to just focus on her choked up, breathless “will I won’t I cry” voice. Don’t threaten me with tears and then not deliver, ok, Ms. Anti-Hydrangeas? Thanks. She played ‘La Vie En Rose’ in dedication to Rocco and said that “there’s no love stronger than a mother for her son.” Is anyone surprised Madonna didn’t take the words of a lowly judge to heart? No. Am I surprised she didn’t do this flying in on a jet pack with the name Rocco in flaming letters while shooting a gun at a target that’s a picture of Guy Ritchie and the judge? Yes. For her, this is actually pretty toned down.

King and Queen of all things grumpy, hateful and bitter, Morrissey, is possibly considering running for mayor of London. Don’t tell him I called him King and Queen because you know how he feels about the monarchy, but I cannot tell a lie and that is what he is. His kingdom, unlike the Queen’s, is all eyeliner emo kids eating vegan snackpacks while they cry about their hair straighteners not working or something and soon, that very well could become part of the Queen’s kingdom.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another when it comes to Charlie Sheen. The spinner on his giant chore wheel of a life has landed on “Baby Mama Drama”. People got their hands on some court documents that Charlie filed in which he’s requested that his child support payments to ex-wife Brooke Mueller for their 6-year-old twin boys be lowered.

While he was on Two and a Half Men – a show I have never seen because, despite what the amount of alcohol I ingest would suggest, I value my brain and health – he was making more money than any other ho on the TV stroll. At the time he was making roughly $613,000 per month and that heavily played into factoring how much he pays Brooke and his other ex, Denise Richards (star of the greatest reality show ever, Denise Richards Colon It’s Complicated!), which is $55,ooo a month each. He’s in the middle of a messy money situation with Denise too. It’s also been reported that he sold his rights to Two and a Half Turds for $26,750,000. While he isn’t crying ‘poor’, he is saying that his income has drastically changed and as such the payments he makes should reflect that. Charlie is saying that currently he makes around $87,384 per month.

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Get your rice and subscription to sugardaddyforme.com out, because it’s time to celebrate! Texan supermodel and former wife of Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall married 80s movie villain and billionaire, Rupert Murdoch. The two love birds finally tied the knot yesterday in London in a private civil ceremony and then had the church ceremony today at St. Bride’s Church, reports People. Michael gave you the rundown on this fairytale, so for real, totally for love union the other day, but I’ll refresh your alcohol soaked minds.

Jer and Rupes – that’s what I call them. So cute, right? Write it all over your notebooks. – announced back in January that they were engaged after only four months of fancy dinners, in-home nurse assisted intercourse and, I’m sure, Pretty Woman style diamond necklace box finger snapping. Jerry is Rupert’s fourth wife (Wendi Deng 4ever!!!) and Rupert is Jerry’s first official on paper husband. Her marriage to Mick Jagger was declared null and void. Jerry has four kids with Mick and Rupert has six from two previous marriages.

The ceremony was an hour long and included a full choir and their children leading the speeches and celebration of true love ever lasting. Listen, even if my dad was Mick Jagger, I’d be high kicking, cancaning and singing the holy gospel if my mom was marrying a billionaire. Mick is loaded to the gills but Rupert has buy your own country kind of cash coin money dollar.

The bride wore blue (and flats! good for her!) and the groom wore navy. The bridesmaids, Jerry’s daughters, Elizabeth and Georgia Jagger, wore matching light blue dresses that they actually could wear again. Notable guests included frog lookalike Andrew Lloyd Weber, Michael Caine and former editor of The Sun, Rebekah Brooks. The church, St. Bride’s, is referred to as the “journalist’s church” because it’s on Fleet Street, London’s HQ for publishing, so it makes sense Rupes would want his (fourth) special day there considering he IS publishing. The church also has a memorial plaque dedicated to Rupes’s father, Sir Keith Murdoch, so that’s another Precious Moments figurine for you. I really do wish these two crazy kids all the best and happiness. If that dirty money has to go to someone, who better than Jerry Hall?! Hello! She gave us ‘Kept‘!

Check out the gallery for pictures from the day true love was truly defined:

Pics: Wenn

“Batman v Superman” doesn’t come out until the end of the month and the PR hos at DC and Warner Bros. are not going to let anyone forget that! They’ve sunk $250 million into this movie – a movie, I suspect, is actually going to be about Ben Affleck‘s back tattoo. Entertainment Weekly has an article chronicling what’s at stake with this movie and the planned DC universe. It’s interesting but about as long as “Batman v Superman” is going to be, which is two hours and thirty-one fucking minutes!

It’s amazing to see just how hard these people want to sell us something. On the second page of the article, there’s a fun little nugget of a paragraph,

If BvS sounds crowded, it actually got smaller as time went on. The PG-13 movie’s 2 hour 31 minute runtime will expand further with an R-rated “Ultimate Edition” on home video, featuring even more brutal fight scenes as well as additional hints at future films. There’ll also be some new characters, including a secret one played by Jena Malone, who was cut from the theatrical release.

The movie isn’t even out yet and already they’re hustling us for that DVD money. They slashed that R to a PG-13 to get kiddie money and are now dangling more hardcore Ben Affleck on Henry Cavill action in front of the noses of those ride or die geeks that cream their Superman undies every time they release another teaser trailer. I really don’t have enough “I can’t”s for them selling us Jena Malone as a “secret character”. She got cut out of the movie for whatever reason, probably for time, and that’s that. Call it a deleted scene, call it a fun bonus, but please don’t try and sell me some expanded experience nonsense. This whole thing is like when you go to a fancy steakhouse and the $75 porter strip sirloin whatever doesn’t come with any sides so you have to order $12 carrots and mashed potatoes.

Pic: Warner Bros.