One Tree Hill actress, Jana Kramer, or as most of you will know her: “Who?” has let it be known that she is anti-hot nannies. The wannabe singer (she’s also a country singer) spoke with her husband, NFL sports guy Mike Caussin, on their podcast Whine Down. And during their discussion about the process of hiring a nanny, Jana brought up how–because her husband is a cheating, recovering sex addict–she will never hire a hot nanny. She’s just not that stupid. Good for you, Jana… I guess.
Few things can send tempers flaring into third-degree burn territory faster than a fight over WiFi. I’ve seen friendships destroyed by the words, “Just give me the fucking password for Pretty Fly For A WiFi.” It’s a tense situation, and one that Janet Jackson is now intimately familiar with. The Blast claims to have some more information on what led Janet to call 911 on her ex Wissam Al Mana on Saturday night, and it might have all been started because Wissam wasn’t being generous with the WiFi.
Mel B probably feels like she’s been living in one of those nightmares where you find yourself walking around your high school without pants on. Errybody knows her business now, and her embarrassing marital exploits will, at this point, probably outlive her Spice Girls legacy. And of course there’s more to add.
TMZ says that new legal documents have been recently filed by Mel B, which include portions of a deposition given by Lorraine “Nanny McThreesome” Gilles. Not only do they confirm some of the sordid details we already knew about, but also reveal new accusations of a sham marriage that Lorraine and Stephen Belafonte allegedly concocted in order to fleece Mel.
If you would’ve asked me in the early-aughts which Spice Girl would be involved in a stage 10 wreck of a divorce fight, I’d probably guess Posh Spice because of two simple words: Rebecca Loos! But as we all know from the dozens of stories about it, Scary Spice is in the middle of a landfill fire of a divorce fight with Stephen Belafonte. Just in case you choose to fill the memory file in your brain with only happy things (like a cockatoo going on a magical broom ride), let me recap this shit real quick. In court papers, Mel B accused her husband of 10 years of emotionally and physically abusing her for most of their marriage. Mel accused Stephen of knocking up the nanny and then forcing the nanny to get an abortion. Mel also accused Stephen and the nanny of working together to blackmail her. And now the nanny is suing Mel B for all of those accusations. This is like Hand That Rocks The Cradle meets Sleeping With The Enemy meets a telenovela that’d make my abuelita throw holy water at her TV whenever the “puta nanny” and “pendejo husband” came on the screen.
Take a good look at Ozzy Osbourne’s “Oh shit” eyes in that picture above; they’ll be making an appearance later in this story.
Earlier this week, the ladies of The Talk discussed the story of Susan Sarandon’s aspiring-blogger daughter who fired her nanny after the nanny tried to seduce her husband. Sharon Osbourne had a lot to say, because she says she knows a thing or two about nanny drama. Sharon worked full-time when her kids Aimee, Kelly, and Jack were little. Since leaving three children with 1980s Ozzy Osbourne would have sent a direct red alert to CPS, she hired several nannies to look after them. According to Sharon (via UsWeekly), all of her nannies were a bunch of Ozzy-banging fame whores.
“We used to have four nannies, because I had three children. I would work five days a week, I would travel. You can’t work a nanny 7 days a week, so there would be four nannies, rotating. And I’m telling you, they were the bane of my existence. They were all wanting to be celebrities, they all want money. Unlucky me…I caught two of them in bed with Ozzy, different times.”
That’s what you get for scouting potential nannies in the parking lot of a Black Sabbath concert, Sharon. No, they clearly came from London’s skankiest nanny agency, Pussy Poppins.
Darlene Conner piped up and said that maybe Ozzy was the one Sharon should’ve been pissed at, considering he was the one writing the end-of-week bonus checks with his dick. But it’s not Ozzy’s fault, says Sharon, because he didn’t know he was fucking the nannies.
“No way, he’s out of his mind. He’s calling them his first wife, he’s calling them me.”
Eventually Sharon decided to solve her problems by hiring a male nanny named “Big Dave.” Sharon’s final thought on nannies: “Never trust a nanny.”
I know this isn’t a #NotAllNannies situation, but Sharon’s first mistake in finding a nanny that wouldn’t fuck her husband was not hiring an 85-year-old no-shit-given, brown-nylon-stockings-wearing grandma. Although, even that might not have been enough. After all, she’s still a woman. And no woman in the 1980s could resist the human Spanish Fly that was a coke-snorting, bat head-biting Ozzy Osbourne.
And now for some dirty nanny drama courtesy of Susan Sarandon’s daughter. Eva Amurri and her husband Kyle Martino (seen above in the traditional “Nanny? What nanny?” stance) recently found themselves in an awkward situation with their nanny. And for the first time in recent Hollywood history, it doesn’t end with Eva whipping divorce papers at Kyle after catching him humping on Nanny McPhee in the guest house.