Just Call Him Daddy Levine From Now On

March 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When Adam Levine, the biggest slut named Adam (which is saying a lot since we all know the original Adam fucked everything in that garden), got married to panties model Behati Prinsloo, I figured that his fickle dick would find itself swan diving into a new piece before his first wedding anniversary. But tip me over and pour me out, because Adam and Behati have been married for almost two years and they made it without Star Magazine reporting that his peen got caught in a side trick’s coochie jar. And now they’re going to be parents! The Four Horsemen would make an appearance, but they’re saving their energy for when Leonardo DiCatchAho’s frequent flier dick retires from the game and makes a baby.

E! News and People both say that the Victoria’s Secret Angel and the Coldplay lead singer will be a mom and a dad sometime this fall. The thrilling details via E!

The Victoria’s Secret model is pregnant, E! News has learned. This will be the first child for Levine and Behati, who is 3-4 months along in her pregnancy.

“She knows what she’s having and she’s very excited,” a source tells E! News.

Whatever they have, I hope that Behati does what’s right as the protector of a delicate child by telling her baby that no matter what, they should never ever look at daddy’s bare back. When they go to the beach, baby needs to keep their eyes closed at all times. When baby barfs up on daddy’s shirt and he needs to change it, they should immediately shut their eyelids. Because a young child isn’t strong enough to deal with the derpy mermaid bird of death on Adam Levine’s back. No child should be exposed to that amount of fuckery.

Here’s Behati getting motorboated by a big, pink swan at the launch of Victoria’s Secret new swim collection in L.A. two days ago.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

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