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The dark spirit of Damien trapped in the body of an Ever After High doll hosted and performed on Saturday Night Live last night, and during the show, she busted out an encore performance of the pop star impersonations she did on The Tonight Show last year.

In the skit, Tidal’s servers go down (because those hos can’t pay their server bills) and the intern (played by Ariana Grande Latte) has to jump in and yodel out songs from pop stars. We’ve heard her Brit Brit Spears and Celine Dion voices before, and last night she also brought out her best RiRi, Shakira and Whitney Houston. The demented ponytail pretty much nailed Shakira, but her RiRi sounded more like a drunk baby after root canal surgery (so in other words Ariana sounded more coherent than usual). And may an unpoppable doody bubble haunt her ass forever, because I didn’t hear Nippy at all.

Ariana also better beef up her army, because that skit is probably going to start the great Illuminati vs. Demon Children War of 2016.

Ariana also did her best Jennifer Lawrence last night Because of that wig, Ariana looked more like a young Lawrence brother in lazy Marilyn Monroe drag than Jennifer Lawrence, but that voice is spot-on.

And I’m surprised Ariana didn’t combine her love of donut hate and her Jennifer Lawrence impersonation by pissing and farting on a ring of deep fried sugary deliciousness in front of everyone.

Pics: Splash

Clearly the greatest excuse ever for not getting with someone goes to Romy and Michele for “Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.” But there’s also room to learn and grow. Today we’ll be taking notes from Sally Field in the art of dumping someone. We’ll – or at least just me and Michael – also be sitting in on Huh? 101 because the dumpee in this situation was Johnny Carson and I had no idea they’d dated. Yes, this revelation has sent me reeling, I feel dizzy, what a world, what a world.

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Ah! The joys of being young and dumb. At no other time do we approach just about everything with such reckless abandon…..like Zayn Malik. And his new face tattoo. Face. Tattoo.

Zayn posted the above picture on his Instagram and has sent shockwaves, SHOCKWAVES, through the internet. Countless toddler devotees have reportedly been throwing themselves out windows, slitting their wrists and upending their toy boxes in shock and rage. I can understand their outrage. If my favorite got a crappy drawing of a parrot possibly taking a dump on some flowers (That’s what I see because I love shit and toilet jokes.) with its butt blocked out by a scroll plugging his new album I’d be pretty mad too.

Yes, apparently “M.O.M” stands for “Mind of Mine“, the name of his new album. Zayn captioned the pic with, “Like I Would,” which is the name of his new song. Some people are taking that to mean this is a joke, or rather… a stunt! UsWeekly pointed out some comments and tweets in response to this possible Crayola disaster, such as “Please let that be a drawing! Not a real tattoo!”, “Zayn’s tattoo better be fake or I’m unstanning” and “Why your beautiful face?? @zaynmalik WHYYY???? DONT RUIN IT”.

He has over 40 tattoos, most of them questionable, so this very well could be real. If Harry Styles can get that Silence of the Lambs looking chest tattoo, what’s to stop Zayn from this mess? Whatever the case, my feelings about him, this tattoo and One Direction in general can all be summed up by the best comment on the picture – “EWEWWWWWW!!! OMG WHY!”

Pic: Instagram

I have never been a Madonna fan. Never. But I’m beginning to have the feels for her now she’s entered her, what Michael calls, drunken lounge act era. How can I not? She’s basically laying across a piano, cracking jokes about her ex-husband with a comedy drum snare after every thing she says. She’s been in Australia this past week and something about being down under is making her brain work backwards the way toilets flush backwards in that part of the world. Three days ago she brought us the unholy mess that is the Tears of a Clown concert and a day after she went back to her regularly scheduled Rebel Heart show. But, of course, she had to open up and get REAL again.

Be warned, this video is long, but if you like Kiki and Herb, this will be right up your alley. Or possibly still too real and cringe inducing. (via People)

Around the 3:10 mark she says “someone please fuck me.” That left me quite speechless, to be totally honest. She’s taken it there and for that I commend her. She has literally dressed up as a clown in one show AND asked someone to fuck her in another.  She added, “I’m just kidding. I don’t have to ask for that,” and jokes about one of her crew shooting her dirty looks and saying “don’t reveal your private life to everybody.” It’s a little late for that. Just a little. Just a smidge. And join the club, that judge that told Madonna to shut it is waiting for any dirt you have.

The same crew guy also wasn’t a fan of her Clown’s Ass show in Melbourne and let her know afterward via text. She defends herself by saying she only had two days to prepare it. The number of “fucks” she drops during this hazy, booze soaked gibberish set also earns her points in the “I’m Still Young and Cool, MAN” competition. I hope Madonna stays like this forever because I finally find her entertaining. Mess on, Rocco’s Mom!

Save your breath, saying ‘Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice‘ is not going to make Beetlejuice 2 appear. While its been reported that the movie is  definitely happening for some time now – even Winona Ryder said it was happening when she was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last year – it turns out that that “definitely” is actually a “no good, low down, heart breaking rumor“.

Entertainment Weekly is saying that on Friday, there were reports that the movie was finally going forward, a script had been completed and that Winona and Michael Keaton were basically in their makeup chairs getting ready to look like the hottest versions of themselves. Sadly, a rep for Rim Burton (typo and it stays) reached out to EW and said that “the information was based on fabricated comments from the director and confirmed to EW that Beetlejuice 2 is not in development at this time.” The rep went on to say that Tim is currently busy working on finishing his next disastrous looking billion dollar cash cow, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. There’s no trailer out for it yet, but EW has got some sneak peek pictures. This mess looks like some spooky bedtime Effie Trinket mash up aka Not For Me. Tim will also be busy after wrapping Children because he’s got yet another sure to be money making bonanza lined up with Disney, a live action version of Dumbo. Jesus fucking Christ, that is going to be depressing.

What bothers me the most about this sequel either not happening or being pushed back endlessly is that we’re being deprived of the true star of the movie – Juno! If it’s an issue getting the whole cast back together, why don’t they just do a movie about Juno switching careers and being a paranormal detective. The actress that played Juno, Sylvia Sidney, passed away in 1999, so getting her will be some real method acting. Delia Deetz aka Catherine O’Hara can play her bumbling assistant. Take note, Hollywood! This is a brilliant idea!

Pics: Warner Bros.