“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” That’s me in a little newsboy cap shouting at you, our esteemed readers. I’m shouting because here at DListed, we bring you the finest news from the finest sources. We know what we’re bringing you is 100% (numbers not accurate) true and straight from the horse’s mouth. Like today. Today I will have you know that, apparently, Britney Cheeto Starbucks Uggs Babydropper Spears is addicted to internet porn.

According to The National Enquirer, Britney’s friends are concerned because she’s been burning through AOL internet time discs looking at people bumping uglies, knocking boots and putting D in P like no one’s business – which it isn’t! If a grown ass woman wants to spend the hours she has off from her lazy, lip-snyched show looking at porn, she can! This comes on the heels of Britney telling an audience at her show that she wants “a really hot nerd with a big dick.” Nasty talk like that can only be the work of internet porn.

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Denise Lopez!

Denise Lopez was a Queens, New York freestyle chanteuse from the 80s and 90s, and her Wikipedia page and articles about her tell me that she has pretty much retired from the mainstream music scene. But while she was in the music game, she gifted us children of the 80s with the perfect freestyle dance song for us to bust out moves to during a school talent show. (No, I never danced to a Denise Lopez song in a school talent show. I went with a C+C Music Factory song instead.)

Wikipedia says that Denise started making music in the mid-80s as “Neecy Dee” and she also worked with a band called “Love Patrol,” but she made her biggest hits after she signed with A&M records and put out her first album under her born name. Long before that lesser Lopez started warbling out songs, Denise Lopez’s first album Truth In Disguise was released in 1988 and ended up on the Billboard 200 chart. Three singles came out of that album and all of them ended up charting in one way or another, but her biggest hit was Sayin’ Sorry (Don’t Make It Right.)

I think I had the cassette single of this anti-asshole anthem of the late 80s, and if I didn’t, I definitely recorded it off the radio using a blank tape. (Don’t act like you never did that.) Up until last night, I had never seen the video. It’s pure late-80s glamour. In the late 80s, everyone was letting out their emotions by dancing around a chair in an empty warehouse.

Denise Lopez’s second and last album came out in 1990. One of her singles from the old days, Don’t You Wanna Be Mine, was remixed and released in the UK and Europe in 2008. Denise didn’t have anything to do with that re-release. So who knows what Denise is up to nowadays, but I’d like to think that every now and again she goes into an empty warehouse and sings out her emotions while wearing a black dress with giant sheet cake flowers on it.

Yesterday, Allison, brought us the harrowing tale of how Cesar Millan, dog whisperer, is being investigated by Los Angeles County Animal Control for possible counts of animal cruelty. The animal in question is a lil’ ol’ pig that a dog named Simon bit on an episode of his show, Cesar 911. Simon, le dog avec aggression, apparently lives on a nearby farm and has had issues with le pigs before so Cesar has been rehabilitating him. But, those reality TV hos got him on camera going in for a nibble on a pig ear.

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Liza Minnelli (70)
Danny Jones (30)
Jaimie Alexander (32)
Holly Williams (35)
Pete Doherty (37)
Aaron Eckhart (48)
Julia Campbell (54)
Darryl Strawberry (54)
Courtney B. Vance (56)
Marlon Jackson (59)
Lesley Manville (60)
Ron Jeremy (63)
James Taylor (68)
Mitt Romney (69)
Al Jarreau (76)
Barbara Feldon (83)
Edward Albee (88)

Jessica Alba’s The Honest Company has once again been accused of being the opposite of honest. A chemical her company claimed wasn’t in any of their laundry detergents was found in their laundry detergents. Let’s hope that this all blows over and nothing becomes of it. Because if she’s sued and loses everything, she may have to go back to “acting” and we don’t deserve that – Lainey Gossip 

Ellie Goulding may quit music next year. No word on when she’ll quit injecting insulin foam into her lips  – Celebitchy

“You need to shut your mouth, Porsha. If there’s not a dick in it you don’t know what you’re saying” and other nonsensical jewels from the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion trailer – Reality Tea 

Michael Lohan is only saying good things about Lindsay Lohan’s new Russian sugar sonny, which means that Russian sugar sonny probably stuffed a wad of cash between his man tits – The Superficial 

Dangerous toddler (see: her assault on donuts) released a song called “Dangerous Woman” – Towleroad

What in Rhoda at a clown party HELL is Selena Gomez wearing? – Popoholic

Bella Thorne giving you call girl ad glamour in something called VVV Magazine – Hollywood Tuna 

The pride of West Covina, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, got renewed! – Popsugar

When is Shirtless Friday going to be ShirtAndChoniesLess Friday? – The Berry 

If only the Pulitzer Prize wasn’t only for American publications, because The Sun deserves one for that Madonna headline alone – Boy Culture 

And now I suddenly want to see a Sally Field and Stephen Colbert porn – SOW

Bristol Palin and her second baby father got joint custody of their baby – Starcasm

My own chihuahua has put on his mourning veil, because one of his own, Bruiser Woods from the Legally Blonde movies has died at the age of 18. Goodnight, sweet prince. – Just Jared

Usually when you hear about a shifty ginger snatching wallets from grown men, you think to yourself that Lindsay Lohan is at it again. But since LiLo is a kept bitch now and is temporarily out of the pick pocket game, this story is about a different thieving ginger.

A group of dudes were playing golf at the County Louth Golf Club in Baltray, Ireland when their game was interrupted by a sneaky, bold fox who strutted up to one of their bags, pulled out a wallet and skedaddled away. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is real and is living in Ireland.

4 lads from Leeds, what an amazing experience at Baltray. So friendly and championship links. @CountyLouthGC pic.twitter.com/Jqr3bdDczG

— Chris Hargreaves (@Hag0605) March 7, 2016

I was rooting for that fox and the sads hit me when I saw the look of failure in his eyes. That fox probably had to go back to his fox friends with his head held down and let them know that he didn’t get the money, so they can’t go to The Fox Hole (it’s a strip club) and make it rain on lady foxes while getting drunk. Poor fox.

via Mashable