GQ did a profile on gold digging icon and gold-plated Slovenian blossom Melania Trump, and even though she was interviewed for it, she has already spit on it in a Facebook message by saying that it’s covered in lies. The article claims that Melania’s father was once investigated for tax evasion and charged with a tax offense. So maybe that’s what she’s mad about? But beyond talking about what causes she’ll be into as First Lady (“Many, many charities. Many different charities involving children..”), she talked about the thing that makes grown men kill themselves for and makes grown women explode with jealousy: her earth-shattering beauté!

There’s been rumors that Melania’s chest is full of silicone bags, and anyone who has the ability to see believes that she’s injected her face with fillers. But nope, Melania just naturally looks like a Thundercat figurine that was exquisitely-crafted out of the finest wax. Just like Priyanka Chopra has that natural “hot body” gene, Melania has that natural “hot face” gene. Accordiing to Melania, the only unnatural thing that has been in her body is Donald Trump:

Again, Melania scoffs when I ask if she had had a breast augmentation. “I didn’t make any changes,” she says. “A lot of people say I am using all the procedures for my face. I didn’t do anything. I live a healthy life, I take care of my skin and my body. I’m against Botox, I’m against injections; I think it’s damaging your face, damaging your nerves. It’s all me. I will age gracefully, as my mom does.”

Jabba the Trump is a moldy piss bag full of deception, but Melania, however, would never let a lie pass between her gorgeous lips. I believe her. There’s an easy explanation for how Melania got that perma-squint and that frozen face look. Melania has seen Jabba the Trump’s naked body so many times that her face and eyes are permanently frozen in an expression that says, “What have I done? Just think of the money, Melania. Just think of the money!”

And here’s a few pictures of Melania’s organic beauty throughout the years:

Pics: Wenn.com

“Eh, at least I still got Star Wars” thought Daisy Ridley. Last month, we learned that a Tomb Raider reboot was happening and that they were looking for a new Lara Croft. Well, hopeful actresses can stop cutting their khakis into booty shorts and stop praying that their waist-length “Crypt Robber” braid arrives from Cosplay4Less.com before their audition, because the position of Lara Croft has been filled.

Deadline has confirmed that the new Lara Croft will be played by Alicia Vikander. This new Tomb Raider will be all about a young Lara Croft on her first adventure where she, I assume, becomes proficient in raiding tombs. It will be directed by Roar Uthaug, and will be the third Tomb Raider film in the franchise. As if you’ve forgotten, Lara Croft was played in the first two (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life) by Angelina Jolie.

Alicia is pretty much a real-life Disney princess, so she’s probably going to go hard on the bad-ass training to become Lara Croft. That means lots of jumping and running and shooting guns. Although she can probably skip the part about learning how to handle large snakes, since I’m pretty sure sexing on Michael Fassbender has taught her all she knows about that.

No word on when Tomb Raider Jr. will start shooting or who else is involved. But Deadline does say that Alicia beat out the following actresses who were rumored to be up for the role: Daisy Ridley (of course), Cara Delevingne, Emilia Clarke, and Saoirse Ronan. Is it too late to cast Cara Delevingne? That’s the movie I want to see. “Oi mates, first we gonna get drunk, then we gonna raid some tombs. If anyone decides to start some shit, I’ll yank off their weave, understood?”

Pic: Wenn.com

The Game really needs to take Usher under his thirsty wing and show that trick how to really take a dick-flashing selfie, because this mess is the direct opposite of sexy.

Buzzfeed says that Usher threw up a Snapchat Story this morning that included a tour of his house and a naked selfie with the caption, “Blowing off steam.” I hear you thinking to yourself, “I didn’t know that one of Justin Bieber’s nicknames is Steam.” Usher meant that he was in the steam shower, and if he’s still in there, someone pull him out STAT, because that mess is shrinking his body. It looks like he’s got uncooked hot dog legs. Because of that angle and that sad look on his face, he looks like a malnourished Tweety Bird if a malnourished Tweety Bird transformed into a human. Sally Struthers is about to host an infomercial, benefiting Usher.

The full NSFW picture is after the cut, and the only good thing to come out of this selfie is that we can see the tip:

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On the left, we have good-looking person The Rock. On the right, we have also good-looking person Priyanka Chopra. Both will make you feel really guilty for having two Snickers bars and a handful of gummi vitamins for breakfast when you see them in their Baywatch bathing suits. But apparently only one of them has to watch closed captioned episodes of Vanderpump Rules on the gym TV in between side-eyeing the nasty bitches who refuse to wipe their crack sweat off the machines to get there.

At the TIME 100 Gala on Tuesday, Quantico’s Priyanka Chopra admitted to UsWeekly that you won’t catch her in the gym with the rest of her Baywatch co-stars. And it’s not because she’s afraid The Rock will accidentally grab her instead of one of his 135lb weights and deadlift her. It’s because she was blessed with a body that doesn’t require workouts.

“I’m actually not a big fan of working out. I have genetically blessed Indian genes where I don’t need to train, but Kelly Rorhbach has been trying to convince me to train with her, and every morning when she tries to get me to go with her, I’m just like, ‘Oh, can I just get a half an hour more sleep?’ Or I say my tummy’s hurting and make excuses. But they train like beasts! I just try and hide out with my burger.”

She also admitted that she doesn’t diet, adding “It’s bad, I know.” Oh no, Priyanka, it’s not bad at all. As someone whose diet is usually comprised of the 4 C’s (Cheese, Cheez, Chocolate, Crunchy Things) I can tell you first hand that it’s very good. Except when you eat a second hot dog and you get a headache in your heart – that’s bad.

Priyanka doesn’t have to go to the gym with everyone else on the set of Baywatch, but she literally has the best excuse to go at least once. I haven’t stepped foot in a gym since high school, and even I would be up at the crack of dawn if it meant a front-row seat to the all-you-can-eat muscle buffet named Zac Efron.

Here’s more of Priyanka Chopra at the TIME 100 Gala on Tuesday.

Pics: Facebook, Wenn.com

As most of us know, David Miscavige is the evil ruler of Scientology who has shown his brainwashed subjects that what he lacks in physical height, he makes up for in ruthlessness. Dear Wendi Deng, before you get the clit tingles for David Miscavige, you should know that yes, he’s a real-life Bond villain, but he’s nowhere close to being a billionaire. You can go ahead and cross Little Lord Davey off of your list of dream men. Besides, I doubt you want to suddenly “go missing.” 

David Miscavige’s estranged father, Ron Miscavige, a former Scientologist who got into the Alien Cult of L. Ron Hubbard in the 1960s, has a tell-all book coming next month, and a ho ain’t happy about it. The ho being Ron’s son, of course. Ron book’s Ruthless: Scientology, My Son David Miscavige, And Me is about how he introduced David to Scientology and watched his son go from a cute, little happy boy to a diabolical and manipulative dictator who lives in opulence as some of the cult’s followers wallow in grossness at Gold Base. David is going to be on 20/20 this Friday to talk about his book, which comes out on May 3rd. And Scientology’s lawyers are trying to stop it from seeing the light of public eyes.

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It’s been a whole month since we last heard anything about Katt Williams, and I was starting to get a little worried. But there’s no need to send out a search party, because Katt is back and he’s brought an arrest, a new mugshot, and a story that involves beating a dude with a salt shaker and a hide-out at a Waffle House with him. Uh…welcome back? I guess?

TMZ and WSB-TV2 Atlanta are reporting that police were called to a seafood restaurant in Atlanta, GA on Wednesday evening after Katt Williams allegedly started a fight with the manager. Around 10:30pm, Katt and his friends entered the restaurant, refused to wait to be seated, and just took a table. TMZ says that shortly after they broke Restaurant Commandment #1 (“Thou shalt not seat thyselves wherever the fucketh you want unless we sayeth so”), the manager of the restaurant swung by their table and got into it with them for not waiting to be seated. Katt allegedly decided to take the fight to the next level by grabbing a salt shaker and whipping it at the manager’s face. Feel free to make your own “assault with a salt” jokes here.

Katt’s salt shaker caught the manager on the lip and he started bleeding. That’s when Katt bailed. When the cops arrived, Katt was no where to be found. Katt was found a short while later at a nearby Waffle House, where he was arrested and charged with battery. Katt posted bond and was back on the streets around 12:30am.

This story is all kind of crazy, but considering the circumstances, it could have been so much more. Katt had access to all manner of makeshift weapons and a salt shaker was the closest thing to him. If The Butterfly Effect has taught me anything, it’s that if Katt had arrived a few seconds earlier or later, that salt shaker could have just as easily been a lobster tail or a plate of fried clams. But I think the craziest thing about this story is that the actual fight didn’t happen at the Waffle House. Katt Williams and a Waffle House sounds like a perfect storm of messiness.

Pic: East Point Police Department via TMZ