The LAPD Says That Shelly Miscavige Is Not Missing

August 8, 2013 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Leah Remini let Scientology know that she is never the one when she filed a missing person report on Shelly Miscavige (seen above with Leah). Shelly is the wife of Scientology’s head queen David Miscavige and she hasn’t been seen since 2005 or 2006 and many believe that she’s been locked up in some compound somewhere in California. The LAPD confirmed that Leah did file a police report and then today they said that the case is closed. Shelly Miscavige isn’t missing. DUN DUN DUN! This is the most sinister episode of 48 Hours Mystery ever and I’m going to need Erin Moriarty to narrate it for all of us. Detective Gus Villanueva issued this statement to E!:

“The LAPD has classified the report as unfounded, indicating that Shelly is not missing.”

Scientology queefed out their own statement and it’s best if you read it while listening to the Alien theme song:

“This is just harassment. It is a publicity stunt cooked up by a small band of unemployed fanatics who live on the fringe of the Internet. The Church and the attorney for Mrs. Miscavige have already responded to this ludicrous claim.”

“This is just harassment!” typed out Scientology’s spokeswhore right before he emailed Leah Remini for the 1,498,876 time of the day with, “I hate you! I thought we were BFFs! Your Thetans are fat just like you! Ugh! You’re ruining our lives!

So I’m guessing that either Scientology got to the LAPD or the LAPD knocked on David Miscavige’s door and “Mrs. Shelly Miscavige” answered looking like this:


She’s gained a little weight and gotten a little hairier since the last time anyone saw her.

(Pic via Tony Ortega)

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