Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”

As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.

That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”

What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.

Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”

Pic: Instagram, Splash

Shortly after the news broke about the back-to-back shootings of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling in Minnesota and Louisiana yesterday, Beyonce hopped on her laptop or whatever she uses to write down her thoughts (they may just get digitally sent over a wifi signal from her brain to a massive computer in The Beyhive, I don’t know) and released a statement on her website. She also threw up a message on Instagram pushing people to her website to read the statement and “turn anger into action.” Said action included urging people to contact their congressperson, as well as links to both the Minnesota state legislature and Louisiana state legislature. Beyonce covered it all. The only problem is, once people tried to turn their anger into action, they were met with a 404-error.

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This post might seem familiar. It was only days ago when the lovely and Canadian Allison wrote about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s divorce proceedings still circling the drain. But this time is different! There’s new bullshit quotes and everything!

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It feels like the country is crumbling into a billion pieces and every time I open up the internet* or Twitter or anything like that, another piece of news takes another layer off of my already raw soul. (*I’ve been traveling with my mom and she says, “Open up the internet,” when she wants to look anything up so it stuck with me.) So when I went through my email yesterday, it was nice to get a small spark of pure happiness in my inbox.

During a Fourth of July parade in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, a long trail of silver glitter covered the streets when master baton twirler David Peters twirled FOR. HIS. LIFE! While giving the people “the love child of Matt Lucas and a bolt of lightning,” David and his magic baton twirled in unison and sent flecks of red, silver and blue sparkles into the eyes of the public. I’m sure the people of Monroeville are still picking diamond dust out of their eyelashes and eyebrows.

After David’s Fourth of July extravaganza performance went viral, he talked to WTAE-TV. David works as a pharmacy technician day, but in his free time, he transforms into a sparkly leotard-wearing jolt of YES who touches the feet of the angels above with his flying baton. David has been twirling a baton since he was 7 years old, and nowadays he said that he mostly does it to put a smile on the face of his partner who has cancer.

Screw Macy’s and their little fireworks show. The real Fourth of July show was on the streets of Monroeville. Twirl, David, twirl!

Anjelica Huston (65)
Jaden Smith (18)
Sky Ferreira (24)
Sophia Bush (34)
Milo Ventimiglia (39)
Kathleen Robertson (43)
Beck (46)
Billy Crudup (48)
Michael Weatherly (48)
Rocky Carroll (53)
Joan Osborne (54)
Andrew Fletcher of Depeche Mode (55)
Toby Keith (55)
Robert Knepper (57)
Kevin Bacon (58)
Monty Don (61)
Wolfgang Puck (67)
Raffi (68)
Jeffrey Tambor (72)
Janice Pennington (74)
Steve Lawrence (81)

Pic: Getty

A source claims Tom Hiddleston is “getting tired” of the phots ops with Taylor Swift. “That makes two of us, Tom!” replied everyone – Celebitchy

This is why I wish Instagram videos were eligible for the Best Short Film category at the Academy Awards – Lainey Gossip

Lisa Vanderpump is sticking around for another season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills  – Reality Tea

Margot Robbie explains 50 Australian slang words. Can she explain what Iggy Azalea is saying next? – Hollywood Tuna

In honor of George Takei, Simon Pegg and Justin Lin gave Mr. Sulu a boyfriend in Star Trek Beyond  – Towleroad

…which George Takei isn’t 100% into it – Just Jared

The makers of Clue are replacing Mrs. White with a new character called Dr. Orchid, which totally sounds like the name of a shady vaginal rejuvenation plastic surgeon – Jezebel

Chris Brown is an asshole, Part 372 – The Superficial

What did Chester Cheetah ever do to deserve such degrading treatment? – Drunken Stepfather

Megan Fox: still pregnant – Popoholic

Emily Ratajkowski is naked on a horse for Harper’s Bazaar because…I have no idea – Popsugar

RuPaul’s Drag Race got an American Horror Story makeover, but sadly they left out the scariest part: Milan’s Diana Ross impression! – OMG Blog

Ariana Grande got a job as Penny Pingleton in NBC’s Hairspray Live – Huffington Post

Larry King got into bed with Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter. I wonder who was the big spoon? My guess in Andy (he seems like a cuddler) – SOW

Jenelle Evans fired her manager. In other news, Janelle Evans had a manger?!? – Starcasm

David Brent is back with a new song. It’s no “If You Don’t Know Me By Now“, but I’ll take what I can get  – Egotastic

Calvin Klein hired Bella Hadid and her come-to-life police sketch face for some ads – WWTDD

Pic: Splash