No, Really, Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner’s Divorce Might Never Happen

July 8, 2016 / Posted by:

This post might seem familiar. It was only days ago when the lovely and Canadian Allison wrote about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s divorce proceedings still circling the drain. But this time is different! There’s new bullshit quotes and everything!

Where were you this time one year ago? Where were you when you first heard the sobering news that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were divorcing after years of rumors of marital strife? I’m pretty sure I was packing for Bear Week 2015 in P-Town (a couple of eatin’ tank tops and an Afro chest hair pick) right before I crumpled screaming to the floor. Well, we might have wasted our dramatic wall slides and drink-to-forget binges (ok, maybe just the wall slides). Ben and Jenn aren’t any closer to officially rolling their marriage through the cremation oven, and it doesn’t look to happen anytime soon, either.

People quotes a variety of “sources” (Jenn’s publicist, Ben’s publicist, their mutual publicist, the kids’ publicist, whoever created the Sad Affleck meme) who claim that they’re perfectly happy as two separated movie stars still living together in the same house and raising their kids. You just know that a excruciating sitcom about two separated movie stars still living together in the same house and raising their kids is hurtling towards CBS’ fall line-up. We see you, Chuck Lorre. Still, it’s better than NCIS: Guam or whatever.

Jennifer Garner’s Friend” (it’s printed on their business card) tells People that “they’re still figuring things out,” that Ben doesn’t want the divorce, and that “he might actually get his way.” A Hollywood megastar might actually get his way? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

“She had the best time in Europe with Ben and the kids. She seemed much happier when she returned to L.A. Jen went from being very adamant that a divorce would happen to instead avoiding any divorce talk.”

The family rented a house in London while Ben was filming the Justice League flick, and there was a lot of happy, pre-Brexit sightseeing. They also spent the 4th of July together at the parade in LA. My favorite quote (taken from the story’s accompanying vid) is from yet another “friend” of Jennifer’s. (“Jennifer Garner’s Friend #2“?):

“They are not back together like before – there is no romance. Why they fell in love is still there, but it plays out differently now. It is a more stable and amicable relationship. The heartbreak, fighting, and sleepless nights have given way to a friendship and [a] wonderful environment for the children.”

Is Gwyneth PaltrowJennifer Garner’s Friend #2″? This sounds like a version of that “conscious uncoupling” mess she shat out of her assuredly steam-cleaned and lightly scented with a combination of prehistoric Megalodon shark musk and the the dew collected from a Middlemist’s Red ass.

Hey, there’s all different types of families (*cue Robin Williams’ monologue that always makes me tear up at the end of Mrs. Doubtfire*). Yay for them if this is legit and it all works out. It sounds like Ben’s just going to make sure that any blonde Uber passengers and “nannies stick to their non-disclosure agreements from now on, and has promised to save the drunken rambling about how awesome Tom Brady is for the casino.

Check out more pics of Jennifer Garner arriving at the Versace show during Paris Fashion Week on July 3 in the gallery below.


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