FYI: For those of you who thought that Donald Trump was more of a “bossy bottom” type, the magnificent and perfect logo for Trump/Pence 2016 lets you know that he thinks he’s a power top who drills the shaft all the way in – Towleroad

Things I need to look into doing this weekend: Changing my name so that my initials are “A.H.” – Lainey Gossip 

DUH. – Celebitchy

Because Anna Wintour has made a secret pact with Satan to destroy American Vogue, Gigi Hadid and her “plotting your demise” brows are on the August cover – Drunken Stepfather

If your company’s entire IT department ran out of work early while covering their crotches, this is why – The Superficial 

The Case of the Alleged Stank Pussy between Joanna Krupa and Brandi Glanville is still going on – Reality Tea 

“She’s got a phone in her hand! Everybody jump overboard!” – Egotastic

Why in the hell is Selena Gomez wearing the necklace from Affair of the Necklace during the damn day? – Popoholic

There are people out there who still want to take selfies with Julianne Hough – Hollywood Tuna 

Kelly Brook dipped her magnificent chichis into the sea in Italy – IDLYITW

What smoky-eyed, older celebrity dude who might be bi-polar shaved Alia Shawkat’s coochie at a party? The “smoky-eyed” clue made it too easy. It’s obviously Rocket the Raccoon – Pajiba

Still living the life: Kate Hudson is – The Nip Slip

If Blake NotSoLively’s stylists were going for “garden party dominatrix,” they kind of nailed it – Popsugar

Adriana Lima may be humping on Clint Eastwood’s son – Just Jared

Weekend Programming Note: Our regular weekend fuckery provider Martin is sadly no longer going to provide us with the fuckery on the weekend. I loved everything he did here and will miss him more than the peen bong I broke a few weeks ago. One of my favorite drunk messes and Dlisted’s longtime guest blogger J. Harvey is taking over the weekends from now on. You can drop him a tip here.

When voting for June’s Hot Slut of the Month opened up earlier this week, I didn’t think that anybody would beat Frog and Toad, but I was every layer of wrong, because a pair of freshly-sunned Russian nalgitas did it. The Naked Rebel Sunbather of Russia is our sixth Hot Slut of the Month of 2016. Those sun-kissed ass cheeks got almost 34% of your votes, beating out Senator Chris Murphy (25%), Frog and Toad (22%) and Margaret “Atta Girl” Foster from 9 to 5 (19%). The Naked Rebel Sunbather of Russia will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year finals next year.

I’ve been checking for an update on our naked Russian hero and have found nothing. Did her prude neighbor bitches ever succeed in their mission to stop her from sunbathing naked out of her window every sunny day by getting her evicted? Or did those prude neighbor bitches finally change their minds and realize that she’s a hero to the people and are campaigning hard to get her to replace Putin? Or has nothing changed and she still can’t be bothered and is feeding her ass with the sun’s rays? Whatever the case may be, keep sunning those nalgas, Russian hero!

And thanks to everyone who voted.

Pic: Oddity Central

The SiriusXM offices in NYC had to be evacuated today (no, they didn’t) when the silicone and Botox in both Tara Reid and Jenny McCarthy boiled over and caused toxic fumes to waft off of them as they fought during an interview. We were all given a beautiful gift today when these two messes from the 90s got into a passive aggressive bitch fest. If this fight had a Yelp page, I’d write Yelp and ask them to please add an option for a sixth star, because this deserves it.

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The world is crumbling down and there’s uncertainty all around us, but at least some things to stay the same, like Leonardo DiCatchAHo stays putting his mouth on the face of a 20-something blond Victoria’s Secret model.

41-year-old Leonardo and 24-year-old Dutch model Nina Agdal reportedly bumped down-low parts a couple of years ago, but proving that he’s the greatest environmentalist of our time, he recycled by hanging out with her again in May. Since then, they were seen together in Montauk, NY and they vacationed together in the Bahamas. And today The Daily Mail posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of Leo either kissing Nina’s face or giving her CPR after she passed out due to boredom from listening to him talk about his soulmate (Oscar) in detail again while hanging out in Malibu, CA yesterday.

what a kiss!! Leonardo DiCaprio sends his romance signals with model Nina Agdal to… https://t.co/2xp4DPwgxM pic.twitter.com/4CSBxQ5sz5

— YEGOB (@Yegobdotcom) July 15, 2016

Some source tells E! News that they’re definitely a thing, but Nina’s heart is still raw and fragile from her last break-up and she hopes that Leo won’t hurt her:

“They are dating. She really likes him and hopes she doesn’t get hurt. They have great chemistry and laugh a lot. She just got out of a very serious relationship so she is just trying to not rush into anything to serious this summer but when Nina falls for a guy, she really falls.”

Nina really has nothing to worry about! I’m sure that Leonardo will never do her wrong and they’ll get married, have children and in 40 years, the paparazzi will be taking pictures of him kissing her on the beach in Malibu as their grandchildren play around them. Or as soon as Leonardo sees a wrinkle growing on Nina’s face, he’ll do the gentlemanly thing and give her 1 hour to move her shit out of his house while he calls Victoria’s Secret to tell them to send over a new one. Either or!

Pics: Wenn.com

It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.

According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.

I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.”

Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Earlier I said that graphic artists must be rejoicing over Brit Brit Spears coming back with new music that she’ll maybe promote by posing in magazine photos that will need to be Photoshopped to the ends of the earth and back. But well, those smiles on the faces of graphic artists quickly turned to sad frowns when they saw this cover of Clash Magazine. Mariah Carey is looking way too real and I doubt she was even touched by one Photoshop tool. Mimi’s magazine covers can usually be found in the fiction section of Barnes & Nobles, but this one is going in the non-fiction section, because it is that real. Adobe stock is probably going to tank thanks to this!

But seriously, that cover is giving me “Promise of a New Day” Paula Abdul in a funhouse mirror. I can’t ever hate on Mimi, though, because she has to keep her crown as the Queen of Photoshop. I also can’t hate on her, because she’s teaching us a really good trick in that picture. When you really want to keep your “bad side” from ending up in the pictures, don’t even give the photographer a chance to capture it. Cover your bad side with your weave, and pose, pose, pose with carefree confidence, dahling!

And here’s Mimi living the opulent life while walking with Billionaire Shrek on David Geffen’s yacht in Ponza, Italy last week.

Pics: Splash, Clash