Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers Has Been Suspended From Her Job, Banned From All LA Fitness Locations
Good news for everyone who likes a little schadenfreude-glazed justice to end their week. 2015 Playboy Playmate of the Year Dani Mathers redefined the term “asshole moves” by Snapchat shaming a naked woman in the change room at an LA Fitness in Universal City, CA. The internet turned on Dani, which led to her sort-of apologizing by claiming it was an “accident.” The police are investigating, and now you can count LA Fitness and Dani’s bosses at KLOS-FM in the group that aren’t feeling Dani’s “I’m sorry I got caught“-style apology. TMZ says that she’s not allowed back at either of those places right now.
Mick Jagger Shows Ronnie Wood That His Jizz Has Still Got It Too
The next time The Rolling Stones do another big tour, the dressing rooms will be filled with more whining, slobbering and cries for a diaper change than usual. 69-year-old picked zombie Ronnie Wood welcomed a double bundle of baby into his life just a couple of months ago. And now, Mick Jagger’s 72-year-old baby-making parts are feeling real proud of themselves today, because they still got the stuff that can knock a trick up.
The Fight Over Kurt Cobain’s Guitar Has Gotten Messier
I’m sure you’re absolutely shocked that a situation involving semi-professional disaster Courtney Love has gotten messy. But if you can believe it, she’s not even the messiest part of this story; that honor goes to the one and only Sam Lutfi.
Last week it was reported that Frances Bean was fighting with her soon-to-be ex-husband Isaiah Silva over a guitar that was used by Kurt Cobain during Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged performance. Isaiah claims the guitar – which is estimated to be worth several million dollars – was a wedding gift from Frances to him. Frances claims she never gave it to him as a gift, and she wants it back. A judge will ultimately decide who gets the guitar, but Courtney Love’s good friend Sam Lutfi is doing everything he can to fix it in Frances’ favor.
Katy Perry, Who????!? Brit Brit Spears Is Here To Fill Your Ears With Her Robotic Coos
“Oh goshdarnit, Ah think ah just gambled ayn loss into mah freakum toga…”
Engineers specialized in auto-tune theatrics and graphic designers are rejoicing, because the Empress of Auto-Tune and the Princess of Photoshop (sorry, the queen crown belongs to Mariah Carey) is coming back with a new album. Last night, Katy Perry squirted out the song that’s been brewing inside of her (and the other 4 writers too, I’m sure) for years. Katy released “Rise,” a dramatic anthem that will heal the world and cure Zika, or something.
Katy Perry wasn’t the only one to push out a song that will fill her vault with even more gold bars (while inspiring the world, of course). Brit Brit (giving you “nervous Burning Man go-go dancer” above) released “Make Me,” the first song off of her 9th album. “Make Me” is Brit Brit’s first since song that eardrum-murdering abomination “Pretty Girls” and it’s a zillion times better. Although, the sound of a hippo with diarrhea shitting onto a hyena trapped in a turned-on garbage disposal would probably sound better than “Pretty Girls.”
The song also features some rapper named G-Eazy, and if you haven’t put it in your ears yet, here you go.
Many say that “Make Me” is about Brit Brit getting some dick. But to me, it sounds like she’s at home alone, watching TV and when a commercial for Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos comes on, she can’t fight the urge to make sweet mouth love to that deliciousness anymore and jumps in her car to get some. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
Friday, I’m dreaming a mile a minute ’bout somebody
This feeling, I wanna go with it, cause there’s no way
We’re hiding away from this tonight, oh, this tonight
Can tell you want me
By the way I see you starin’ ‘cross the room, babe
No shame in the game
Just cut the shit, be honest
Yeah, you know what you gotta do tonight, do tonight
Yup, totally a sexy ode to Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos.
Katy Brings All The Emotions To Her 2016 Summer Olympics Anthem
The 2016 Summer Olympics begin in a little over two weeks in Rio, which means all those online invitations to “COME TO BRAZIL” will finally pay off. In honor of the upcoming Olympic games, Katy Perry slipped away from the high school cafeteria fight and released a power anthem called “Rise.” E! News says “Rise” will be used by NBC during their coverage of the games. It’s basically everything you’d expect from a Katy Perry song: motivational poster vocals and emotion on top of emotion. She also released a video for “Rise” which features a montage of Olympic athletes doing their athletic thing. It’s perfect to get people jacked up for the Olympics; it’s basically performance enhancing drugs in music form. Here it is, the song that you’ll either love or want to hit the mute button on your television during every NBC commercial break.
As for the song itself, “Rise” is Katy’s first release in three years and debuted on the TODAY show this morning. Katy also released a statement about “Rise” earlier today.
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For July 14th!
My new diet is going great: I’m down to one meal a day but I never feel hungry! – I am Legend
Upvote winner:
Where’s dessert?” –Kirstie Alley – Johnny boy
Pic: Tumblr (Thanks Ben)