Goopy Paltrow Owes All Of Her Success To Goopy Paltrow, Thankyouverymuch

David O. Russell says that his movie Joy (which to me, would’ve been an unwatchable bore if it wasn’t for Susan Lucci, Donna Mills and Isabella Rossellini hamming it up) was mostly based on the life of Huggable Hangers mogul Joy Mangano but is also based on the life of other business women who made something out of absolutely nothing. Well, David O made a wrong choice in choosing to base his hard-working business woman biopic on Joy Mangano because there’s a story out there of a lady entremanure (typo and it stay) who truly sweat, struggled and rubbed her wood pennies together to pull herself out of the slums of Santa Monica, CA and into the opulent life she built by herself and herself only!

In the same interview with Glamour where Goopy says that every time she looks at Chris Martin, she sings “He’s My Brother” to herself, she also talks about GOOP and how she is completely self-made. No, she doesn’t mean she’s a self-made delusional snob. That goes without saying. She means she’s a self-made millionaire actress/mogul! Save all of your HAHAHAs for when we get to that quote. First, here’s Goopy goop-ing at the mouth about how Goop also sells stuff for you peasants.

“Sometimes I’ll get annoyed if someone’s like, ‘Goop is so expensive.’ I’m like, ‘Have you looked at the website? Have you seen the range of price points? ‘Cause we sell things that are $8.’ I’m like, ‘If you want to f–k with me, bring your A-game. At least have all your information.’ Once in a while, if I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, I’ll be like, ‘Ugh, that bugs me,’ or, ‘That hurt my feelings.’ But very rarely. I don’t lose sleep over it. It’s my business to live my life and learn my lessons. I don’t care what anybody else thinks.”

I quickly browsed through Goop’s online boo-teek and didn’t see anything that was $8. But I did get an invoice from Goop in my e-mail saying that I owe them $8 for the pleasure of laying my eyes on their luxurious goods. So maybe that’s what she meant.

Glamour brought up Goopy once saying that her parents paid for her college but when she quit, they cut her off and never gave her a dime. She says that’s absolutely true. Prepare to let out those HAHAHAs you’ve been saving.

“Yes. Exactly. It’s the most motivating. People think, ‘She’s just a rich kid.’ Until I was 18, I was. Then I was broke. I’ve never taken a dime off my parents. I’m completely self-made.

Of course! I went to UC Santa Barbara, and when I quit to try to be an actress, my dad was like, “That’s great, but I’m not gonna help you.” I was like, “Yeah, right.” And he was like, ‘No, I’m not.’ So I got an apartment with a roommate; I worked as a hostess at a restaurant; I would scrounge quarters to buy Starbucks—and walk there to save gas. I remember once asking my dad for money, like, ‘Please, I’m really stuck. Can you help?’ And he said, ‘You’re more than welcome to come over for dinner.’ That was it.”

Never mind that Goopy Paltrow is where the definition of “white privilege” goes to find itself again, I believe she’s completely telling the truth. Goopy’s parents never gave her a literal dime. That’s something poor parents give their poor children to go and buy gum. What Goopy’s parents did do is transfer millions of dimes from their Swiss bank account to her bank account. Give her a dime? How provincial!

Pic: Splash