Okay, So Lindsay Lohan Is Probably Just Pregnant With Booze Bloat
Go ahead and take apart your end-of-the-world bunker, because it doesn’t look like the apocalypse is coming anytime soon since Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t have a baby in her body. (Although, you may not want to take apart your end-of-the-world bunker right away, because Trump could still win in November.)
Michael Lohan really wanted us all to think that a half-Russian ATM baby is growing in his daughter’s womb. Michael claimed that LiLo texted him with, “Daddy, I’m pregnant,” and he believed her, because LiLo never lies! But today, LiLo’s friend, socialite Hofit Golan, told a different story.
FYI: Joe Jonas Has The Biggest JoBro Dick
Fresh off from spreading his nipples all over social media, 26-year-old Joe Jonas slid into Andy Cohen’s clubhouse last night (no, not like that) to promote something or another, and as model Ashley Graham sat next to him, he played a little game of Plead the Fifth. During the game, the shifty Siamese Cat in a suit asked Joe to play “Shag Marry Kill” with his ex pieces Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift and Gigi Hadid. Joe said he’d marry Demi, fuck Taylor and kill Gigi. I figure that Taylor’s idea of “fucking” is cuddling while making shadow puppets on the ceiling, so okay, Joe. But Before that little game of FMK, Andy asked Joe which JoBro’s peen situation is the largest. Andy asked Nick Jonas the same question a few weeks ago, and surprisingly the master gay baiter pleaded the fifth. But Joe answered by saying, “This is Nick’s words not mine, but he said he was going to say me, so I’d say me.”
Well, Joe just gave sick bitches who are into gay incest porn some material to fap to by painting the image of all of the Jonas Brothers comparing peens.
Andy Cohen supposedly has a degree in journalism, but I couldn’t tell based on that clip. The part about Joe’s dick size was unprofessional, sloppy, amateur and it really offended me. I mean, Andy didn’t ask any follow-up questions! Every journalism major knows that when your interview subject tells you that he’s got the biggest dick in his family, you don’t just move along. You say, “How long? How thick? If you don’t know, I’ve tattooed a ruler on the inside of my mouth and we can check in the bathroom during commercial break.” If Barbara Walters watched last night, she was probably so embarrassed for Andy. Even Barbara would’ve followed-up with, “Okay, Joe, if your dick was a tree, what kind of tree would it be?“
Open Post: Hosted By The Only Real Star In The Celebrity Big Brother House
Allison is out today, because it’s National Lasagna Day, and even though it’s an American holiday, she still takes it very seriously. So it’s just you, me and the legendary elegant blossom Samantha Fox!
Celebrity Big Brother started up again in the UK yesterday, and it feels like every season, the producers try to stretch the definition of “celebrity” more and more. They’ve outdone themselves this year, because if you’re not British and don’t follow British TV, the list of “celebrities” will have you saying “WHO?” so much that your co-workers will think that an owl somehow got into the office. But that’s okay, because Samantha Fox is in there and she has enough star power to fill up the house, the city of London, the country of England and the world!
The Biebs Almost Stuffed His Piggy Bank With $5 Million Of GOP Donor Money
The only thing Justin Bieber should be offered is a one-way ticket to Mars, but for some reason, the organizers of a GOP event offered him a pile of money that’s even bigger than his throbbing pus-filled ego. Republican donors really, really wanted the butt paste clinging to Canada’s ass crack at their event and offered him $5 million for just a 45 minute show. Scott Baio is normally only full of shit, but today he’s also full of sadness and rejection, because he totally would’ve performed his mega hit “How Do You Talk To Girls” at that event for an Uber ride and a Trump butt plug.
Dear Australia, Jean-Claude Van Damme Has Had It With Your Boring, Stupid Questions!
The real story here is that someone interviewed Jean-Claude Van Damme in the year 2016.
JCVD is doing a speaking tour (????) in Australia next month and so he did a bunch of satellite interviews from Bangkok to promote it. During one of the interviews, the Muscles from Brussels’ last nerve got twisted up over the questions he was being asked and he dramatically busted out of there. Either JVCD’s walk-off was fake and staged to show the people that they would get some DRAMA in his speaking show, or he was genuinely not amused by the questions that were tossed his way.
Welcome To Taylor Swift’s Poo Poo List, Troian Bellisario!
Taylor Swift used to say “shit list,” but since she says it so much and has to clean her mouth out afterward, she ran out of soap real quick.
Troian Bellisario is on your 12-year-old niece’s favorite show Pretty Little Liars (and yes, I am your 12-year-old niece because I used to watch it religiously) and so since she’s a celebrity, she was at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia this week. Cosmopolitan was also there, and in between working on an article titled, “25 Anti-Hillary Dirty Talk Lines That Will Make Your Bernie-Or-Bust Boyfriend Bust Faster,” they talked to Troian about politics and shit. The “shit” being the feud between the Veronica in Betty’s body, Taylor Swift, and matching butt plugs Kanye and Kim Kartrashian.