Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.

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The plot of Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel robbery story has officially gotten thicker. “Just like how my butt gets thicker every three or four months?” Yes Kim, just like that. So we already know that early yesterday morning, Kim was held at gunpoint in her room at the Hotel de Pourtalès in Paris while a gang of thieves robbed her of $10 million worth of jewelry. And surprise, surprise, police believe it may have been an inside job.

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El Chapo used a different tunnel this time. – Betty Rubble

Upvote winner:

Miguel wants to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the tiii-ime – johnny boy

Pic: Tosh.0

The highly-skilled warrior in Australia who uses the potent power of LA CHANCLA to ward off her enemies!

Some use a knife. Some use a gun. Some use their fist. Some use a switch. And some use one of the most scariest weapons of all, Miley Cyrus’ Paper magazine spread. But a woman in Australia used the abuelita equivalent of Thor’s hammer to let a crocodile know not to dare fuck with her or her little fur friend. The Guardian and the BBC say that crocodile enthusiast Lundon Anlezark was filming along the East Alligator River at Cahill’s Crossing in Australia’s Kakadu National Park last month when he caught an abuelita-trained chancla fighter using her flip-flop to threaten a bold crocodile who swam near her and her pooch. As her dog calmly licked its ass (because it knew it had nothing to worry about since its human brought out LA CHANCLA), she wielded a mighty chancleta and off that crocodile went. The fear of la chancla is real and strikes everyone including crocodiles!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNPxKfX4ACE

While some are calling the Spartacus of chancla-fighting (Chanclatacus?) a hero, Lundon and officials at Kakadu think what she did was real dumb. They say that some locals and tourists drink at the park and when the sweet nectar hits them, they get bold and do dumb things. Lundon added, “I don’t think she realized how dangerous this kind of behavior is.” If this lady responded to Lundon’s comment, she’d probably do so by reaching for her chancla, which would make him scream, “Okay, okay, abuelita, MERCY! MERCY! You win!” Never underestimate la chancla!

Anne Rice (75)
Ava Sambora (19)
Dakota Johnson (27)
Kimmie Meisner (27)
Lil Mama (27)
Rich Homie Quan (27)
Melissa Benoist (28)
Lena Katina, formerly of t.A.T.u. (32)
Rachael Leigh Cook (37)
Alicia Silverstone (40)
Liev Schreiber (49)
John Melendez (51)
Micky Ward (51)
Jon Secada (54)
Chris Lowe (57)
Ned Luke (58)
Bill Fagerbakke (59)
Russell Simmons (59)
Christoph Waltz (60)
Tcheky Karyo (63)
Armand Assante (67)
Stephen Gyllenhaal (67)
Brynn Thayer (67)
Linda McMahon (68)
Susan Sarandon (70)
Jackie Collins (1937-2015)

Pic: Getty

I’d like to think that ScarJo finally got some sense of real fashion and walked around the streets with a pink troll dick antenna on her head, but she wore this for a movie. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t around her, because I would’ve been tackled and tasered by security after trying to catch those things with my mouth – Lainey Gossip

Two things that Tom Hiddleston will probably never get into: James Bond’s tuxedo and Priyanka Chopra’s chocha – Celebitchy

Brandi Glanville may have bumped ‘ginas with Cat Cora – Reality Tea 

And here’s Lionel Richie’s daughter bringing the elegance while dressed like a go-go dancer at a Nascar tailgate party – Drunken Stepfather 

Speaking of go-go dancers at a Nascar tailgate party – The Nip Slip

Greg Louganis and Tom Daley got together to deliver a synchro diving extravaganza – Towleroad

Alec Baldwin looks like he’s 5 milliseconds away from calling one of them a rude thoughtless… you know the rest – The Superficial

That sad bear in Snoop Dogg’s portrait looks like it could use a fat joint – OMG Blog 

Toni Braxton is laid up in serious condition in the hospital for complications from lupus – Jezebel

It looks like plastic spiders are trying to escape out of Carmen Electra’s eye sockets – Egotastic!

Someone get this monkey its own nail shop , because trick is an A+++ manicurist – Hollywood Tuna 

Bella Thorne and Whatshisface brought their real and genuine love to the pap stroll – Popoholic

I really wish Jennifer Garner was dating Brad Pitt and I also really wish that dozens of paparazzi were filming Ben Affleck’s face when he found out – Popsugar

Meanwhile on a yacht somewhere, Lindsay Delusionhan is waiting for the producers of Mean Girls the Musical to call and beg her to play Cady again – Just Jared

I say it was Tiffany Trump, but I’ll take Marla Maples too – Pajiba

Pic: Splash