The dustiest box of cake mix in the Kardashian’s metaphorical pantry Rob Kardashian managed to get a whole lot of attention for himself last night. Kongratulations, Rob! Or should I say kongratulations, Blac Chyna? Because Rob just found a way to make us pay attention to your relationship again. Last night, Rob got really upset at his younger sister Kylie Jenner. When normal people get mad at their siblings, they shoot bitchy texts back and forth until someone responds with an unintentionally hilarious autocorrect and they both laugh. But not the Kardashians! They throw it out into the world for everyone to see.

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Pic: @RealMarkDallas

Howard Dean, the former Governor of Vermont, 2004 presidential candidate, expert yeeeeeaaaaahowler and my personal MVP of last night’s battle-to-the-death presidential showdown.

If you watched all of last night’s first presidential debate, then you are probably reading this while laid up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and patiently waiting for a surgeon to roll you into the operating room, cut you open, pull out your liver and ring out all the booze you guzzled down to deal with that mess. Donald Trump seemed to hold it together for approximately 45 seconds, but after taking a couple of baits dropped by Hillary Clinton, he turned into a  fidgety Sniffleupagus and acted like a nervous teenager at the family dinner table who just snorted coke for the first time but was trying to look like he didn’t just snort coke for the first time. The twitchy and leaky tanning bed-burnt ass blister blamed his sniffle-fest on the mic. To which Howard Dean probably said, “Your mic was a coke dealer?!”

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The trailer for King Cobra, based on the real-life murder of a gay porn producer, is out and I actually found myself saying, “I really want to put my eyeballs on this,” about a James Franco movie. It has everything: Gay porn! Man nipples! Sweaty asses! Molly Ringwald! – Towleroad

I wonder if Leonardo DiCatchAHo is going to make President Obama an honorary member of the Pussy Posse when they meet? – Lainey Gossip

The Nirvana baby once again recreated the “Nevermind” album cover (sans penis) – Celebitchy

Dear Miley Cyrus, can you please just keep stepping to your left until you’re out of the frame so that I can fully take in Billy Idol’s seasoned peroxide and charbroiled skin hotness – The Superficial 

The trailer for the new season of Vanderpump Rules is here and it should really be certified organic because it’s all just so real – Reality Tea 

Romance IS getting married by Lil Wayne under toilet paper decorations in prison – OMG Blog

Katharine McPhee is in a bikini – Popoholic

Ashley Graham is in a bikini made with her own arm and hand – Egotastic!

Magazines are still trying to make Hailey Baldwin happen – Drunken Stepfather

And yet, I’d still rather watch this bumbling ass  magician than Criss Angel – Hollywood Tuna

I hate 7th Heaven, but I love Catherine Hicks now – Jezebel

A strange thing happened the other day, Ashley Olsen went out into the sun and didn’t melt. The vampire gnomes are evolving! – WWTDD

The Kiss Cam landed on Amy Schumer and she did exactly what you would think she’d do – SOW

Hilary Duff  sort of “confirmed” that she’s doing her trainer full-time – Popsugar

What in craft project gone wrong HELL is Brit Brit Spears wearing? – IDLYITW

Pics of Owen Wilson’s nipples? Sure, I’ll take ’em! – Just Jared

And here comes 2016 to drag another relationship into the Love Is Dead Cemetery and bury it next to Brangelina’s marriage.

Well, this one hurts. Tall piece of emotionless hotness Ray Donovan (real name: Liev Schreiber) and Naomi Watts were at the Venice Film Festival earlier this month (see: pictures below) to pimp out their movie The Bleeder, and they were pretty much over as a couple at that point. Everyone is breaking up! They both put out a statement to everyone today saying that they’re separating after 11 years and politely told us nosy whores to please respect the “privacy please” sign hanging on the front door to their lives:

“Over the past few months we’ve come to the conclusion that the best way forward for us as a family is to separate as a couple. It is with great love, respect, and friendship in our hearts that we look forward to raising our children together and exploring this new phase of our relationship. While we appreciate your curiosity and support, we ask the press to be mindful of our children and respect their right to privacy.”

Liev and Naomi made two sons together: 9-year-old Alexander “Sasha” Pete and 7-year-old Samuel Kai.

Since it seems like nowadays two famous types can’t break up without some sort of ESCANDALO coming out, I won’t be too surprised if I have to use the “scandal” tag in a future post about Liev and Naomi. (And yes, I see those old “wandering peen” rumors and blind items winking at me.)

And if celebrity break-ups come in threes, I wonder who’s next? Beyonce and Jay-Z? Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson? Shauna Sand and Lucite heels ? (Why did I even put that out there?) That demonic cunt 2016 better not even look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. My almost-dead and frozen heart will really die and freeze over if Joanna and Dean from Overboard end their unbreakable love.

Pics: Wenn.com