We’re Only In The First Trimester And Already Shit Is Getting Messy With Tila Tequila’s Pregnancy

Former skanky party gremlin/anti-Semetic conspiracy theorist Tila Tequila announced she was with worm less than two weeks ago, and already things are turning classic Tila (aka crazy and dramatic). Dear CPS, start hiring extra staff now; I have a feeling you’re going to need them very soon.

The mystery surrounding the identity of Tila Tequila’s baby daddy was solved last Thursday when Radar revealed that she’d been knocked up by an aspiring rapper/producer and father of 3 from Georgia named Thomas Paxton Whitaker. The bargain bin K-Fed (and that says something) said that Tila had a wonderful relationship with his daughters and he was very happy and excited to have put a worm in Tila’s tequila pouch, and that he thinks she’ll be a “fantastic mother”. I’d like to know what Thomas’s definition of “fantastic” is, because I wouldn’t trust Tila to look after an artificial cactus from IKEA.

But only 4 days later, Thomas is speaking to Radar once again, and this time he sounds more like what I imagine a Tila Tequila baby daddy sounds like. Thomas says that Tila is a status queen who is no longer pursuing a relationship with Thomas because he filed for bankruptcy back in 2008 and he’s all shades of broke. He also says that Tila is a two-faced backstabber who talks a ton of shit, and that if he ever spilled the beans on what she’s said behind closed doors, she’d never “get a drop of news coverage again for the rest of her days”. So…about as much news coverage as she gets already?

Meanwhile, Tila is chugging along in her own crazy train by posting a rebuttal to Facebook, claiming that she left Thomas because she didn’t want to raise her unborn baby in an unhealthy, unsafe environment, blasts him for running his mouth off to the media, then pops over to Twitter to call him a drug-using drunk. Jesus take the wheel. Take all the wheels.

And somewhere in Florida, Landon Lohan just received a note from Baby Tequila Worm asking him to save a seat in his Cozy Coupe so they can carpool to CPS together.

Pic: Facebook

Night Crumbs

It’s not often that you see an act of class and grace at the Nets game, but RiRi being the master of elegance that she is managed to perform one when she gave a two-handed hand job to a big, black hard finger. That dude behind her friend is into it. – Lainey Gossip 

The royal family wants you think that Duchess Kate spent $83,000 on all the New Zealand-Australian tour ensembles that she probably got for free – Celebitchy

Black history historian Porsha Stewart needs to take a moment from teaching African American Studies at Harvard to look up what the definition of “bully” is – Reality Tea

Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte takes the first step in trying to scrub off the Disney from her squeaky clean image – Drunken Stepfather

Zachary Quinto took a topless selfie, because what’s the point of working out and picking up all those heavy ass weights if you’re not going to post a picture of your topless body on Instagram? – Towleroad

Lindsay Lohan is in Europe “raising money for her movie” and that’s such a professional way of saying “turning tricks for coke cash” – The Superficial

Little Sprout and the Jolly Green Giant cuddle after one of his fights, but what in grandma’s TV den wallpaper HELL is Little Sprout wearing? – Hollywood Tuna

Sorry, Rob Kardashian, no allowance inheritance for you, because Pimp Mama Kris spent it on buying 500,000 copies of Vogue – Jezebel

St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt went outside the other night – Popsugar

NERDGASM ALERT: Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Han Solo are in the next Star Wars movie for real – IDLYITW

The Leftovers looks like the broken condom rapture baby of Lost and Under the Dome – Pajiba

Beyonce and Jay Z are going on tour together and expect Blue Ivy Carter to open for them by sitting onstage and blowing saliva bubbles for 30 minutes straight (she’ll be the most exciting act of the night) – ICYDK

I see Lea Michele stole her dress from a little old lady who was going to wear it to her retirement community’s ballroom dancing night – Popoholic

UsWeekly is confused about what the phrase “just like us” means and they’re really confused about the definition of “star” – The Berry

And somewhere in Hell, Lucifer’s maids prepare a special room for the producer suing Valerie Harper for dropping out of a Broadway play because she had brain cancer – HuffPo

Iggy Azalea drives with RuPaul – OMG Blog

Um, shouldn’t Matt Damon be Robin? – Defamer

Oh, it’s just two homeless lot lizards in love – Just Jared

Open Post: Hosted By John Travolta Busting Out Sweet, Sexy Moves At The Bollywood Oscars

The International Indian Film Awards (aka the Bollywood Oscars) happened in Tampa, FL (??????????) on Saturday night and it brought out two wig-wearing citizens of the closet, John Travolta and Kevin Spacey. John Travolta is not one to miss out on an opportunity to swish those hips and pop that boy pussy in front of an audience, so when Indian star Priyanka Chopra asked him to dance on stage, he sashayed on up there with her and served up some of his Pulp Fiction moves that made body Thetans throb and combust. I throw a lot of hate at that tortured long-haired guinea pig on Travolta’s skull, but I have to give credit where credit is due. When it’s told to play dead it plays dead. It didn’t move during that whole dance and it stuck to Travolta’s head like it was Travolta’s hand and his head was a massage therapist’s…you know the rest.

And Kevin Spacey was not going to let John Travolta show him up like that. After securing the polyester toupee on his head with Super Glue, Kevin wrapped a lungi over his pants and danced next to Shahid Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, and Ritesh Deshmukh.

It was very gracious of Kevin Spacey to show us the moves that only the twinks at Bryan Singer’s pool parties have seen after he’s done shots of vodka off of their nalgas.

Pics: Splash

Some Good TV News And Some Potentially Shitty TV News

First for the good news since I hardly ever have good news.

For what has felt like centuries, HBO has been tapping all of our hungry parts with a hard dick by teasing about how the greatest TV show of 2005 The Comeback may make a comeback. There’s been rumors for a couple of months that The Comeback’s creator Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow were in talks to do a second season of the show that was way ahead of its time and today Kristin at E! says that it’s actually happening. Scripts are being written and production will start on May 19th. The second season will pick up 9 years later and Malin Ackerman and Kellan Lutz are coming back. The new season will be six episodes and HBO is treating it like a standalone event, but if bitches watch it they’ll bring it back for another season.

YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!

For 9 years I’ve been praying for the triumphant return of Aunt Sassy and finally my prayers have been answered! It’s a miracle. Now if the powers-that-be above can continue to answer my prayers by turning my body pillow into a lubed-up naked Prince Hot Ginge and make Jello-1-2-3 juice come out of my bathroom faucets.

And now for the potentially shitty news….

Fox must’ve been jealous over the ratings that NBC got for Sound of Music Live! (Well, live except for Carrie Underwood’s wet cardboard acting skills), because they’re planning a live production of Grease to air in 2015. Later this year, NBC is doing that dusty old Peter Pan musical and so Fox is trying to lure in the young whores by doing a young, sexy version of Grease. You’re the one that I’m not sure I want… Deadline says:

Fox’s staging will feature a young ensemble cast, the Casey/Jacobs songs “Summer Nights,” “Greased Lightnin’” and “We Go Together”; as well John Farrar’s “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and ”You’re The One That I Want.” “Greese‘s iconic characters and addictive songs make it the perfect fit for Fox, and we’re going to give it the kind of star power and production quality to make every Sandy, Danny, Rizzo and Kenickie out there want to get up and sing along,” said Shana C. Waterman, Fox’s SVP Event Series. Added Paramount TV president Amy Powell, “It’s incredibly exciting to have one of our first major network productions be based on this universally celebrated Paramount title.”

Since this is Fox, this is probably their dream cast (aka my nightmare cast):

Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte IS Sandy!
Justin Bieber IS Danny!
Miley Cyrus IS Rizzo!
Harry Styles IS Kenickie!
Chris Colfer IS Patty Simcox!
Jane Lynch in character as Sue Sylvester IS Teen Angel!
Ryan Seacrest IS Vince Fontaine!
Lea Michele IS Frenchy!

They should really consider casting the Biebs as Sandy instead since he’s a bad, bad girl trapped in the body of an innocent ingenue.

And those bitches at Fox better do right and cast La Vampy as my second favorite Grease character Cha-Cha!

Orlando Bloom And Selena Gomez Might Be Doing It…FOR REVENGE

When Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr announced they were splitting back in October, the internet exploded into a pile of solved blind items about who Miranda was passing her married pussy to, one of which was Justin Bieber. I never really believed those two did anything more than watch an episode or two of Go Diego Go! and shared a Go-Gurt (because they both look like toddlers, get it?). But since 90% of people believe Justin cheated on Selena Gomez by putting his wee-wee in Miranda’s bony box, and Miranda herself did say she’s also into girls, so I’ll take that as enough evidence that they did in fact fuck (but I refuse to picture what it looked like because I don’t want Chris Hansen showing up at my door).

Now, Orlando and Selena could easily chalk the whole thing up to “Sluts will be sluts” and move on to greener, less assholey pastures, but TMZ says that they’re getting back at their exes by humping on each other. Revenge is a dish best served jizzy. The two were spotted hanging out at a Chelsea Handler concert on Saturday night, but the second a pap went to take their picture, Orlando got a major case of deer-in-the-headlights and tried to split. This isn’t the first time they’ve hung out either; Selena posted a picture to Instagram of her getting close with Orlando at an event last month.

I know that taking a picture with someone doesn’t automatically mean you’re dating (if that were the case, I’d be dating all my friend’s cats) so I don’t think these two are humping on each other, even if Selena is totally his type (brunette, toddler face). He probably got scurred and ran off because he didn’t want anyone to know he had tickets to see Chelsea Handler (that’s the kind of embarrassing you don’t ever want to get out).

Like That Fame Whore Tori Spelling Does Anything “In Secret”

People has learned (read: Tori Spelling told them after begging them to please run it and she’ll give them the exclusive details of how Dean McDermott realized in therapy that he’s a woman and she will stand by him as he transitions. All the details will be featured in a 2-part People spread and a new 36-episode reality show called TransTORImation) that Tori Spelling was recently laid up in a hospital in L.A. somewhere with an unknown condition. I have EXCLUSIVELY learned (no, I haven’t) that the factory-defected melting wax Lamb Chop figurine was diagnosed with fakebitchitis and Famewhorehausen Syndrome and the only cure was for her to be filmed in the hospital for her fake reality show.

The source tells People that Tori’s diagnosis isn’t known and the entire hospital stay was kept a secret. But the cameras kept rolling while she was in the hospital, because if the cameras stopped filming that fame whore, she’d stop breathing.

A source close to Spelling said the actress has been in “total crisis mode.” “There’s just too much pain,” the source added. “Tori is very, very upset and angry.”

What’s really amazing is that this “secret” was kept a “secret” until after the fact. So many people were involved in Tori’s “hospital stay” (examples of people involved: directors, script writers, assistants and the crew who built the hospital room set) and not one of them spilled the plot details to the tabloids. They probably just didn’t give a fuck enough to do so.

Here’s Poor Tori filming her totally real reality show True Whori with the strung out possum slut Dean McDermott in Studio City, CA yesterday.

Pics: Splash