Tila Tequila’s Theory About Paul Walker’s Death Is (Surprise!) Batshit-Insanity

I had to double-check nearly 9 times that I had found Tila Tequila’s actual, for real, not-hacked Facebook page because each time I clicked on it, my brain kept saying: “This cannot be it. Did I spell Tequila wrong? Why does she keep referring to herself as God’s Warrior? Is there more than one God Warrior? I thought there was only one.” What I’m saying is that Tila Tequila is for-fucking-real CRAZY, you guys (in other news: water is wet, sky is blue, Kris Jenner is a reptile).

Tila Tequila took a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists (yes, really) to talk about the death of Elisa Lam, a woman who’s body was found dead on the roof of a hotel. She then explains that the woman’s death was a ritualistic killing. Just like Paul Walker’s. Wait, WHAT?

“But I’ll keep talking anyway…”

Two words: THE FUUUUUUUCK?!?! Let me get this straight: Tila believes that Paul Walker was ritually murdered by an occult group as a sacrifice, right? Wait, so who was driving the car? One of the occultists? Was Vin Diesel in on it? This is crazy. No, fuck that, this is crazy-crazy. Even the crazy homeless guy ranting on your subway car about aliens as he pops a squat and takes a hot dump is thinking “This bitch is certifiable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mail a letter to Jesus c/o The Pentagon”.

Someone needs to call the giant bottle of 99¢ Store drain cleaner and disposable g-string that made Tila and tell them they need to come and pick up their kid, because homegirl’s gone off the deep end. What happened? It seems like just yesterday she was ordering shots of love, and now she’s holed up in her House of Crazy in a tinfoil hat (and matching nipple covers) ranting online about end times and murders and the “Synagogue of Satan” (HER WORDS NOT MINE PLS DON’T SEND ME EMAILS). How many signatures do we need on a petition before MTV takes it seriously and creates a show called A Shot at Sanity? 16 psych ward doctors competing to see who can check her into Cedars Sinai under a 5150 hold first? I’d watch it.

(Pic via Facebook)