Kanye West And Kim Kartrashian’s “Low-Key” Pre-Divorce Ceremony Is Happening This Week

The battered, beaten and broken horse skeleton that is the sanctity of marriage better lay down the tarp and put on a mask, because here comes Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West to shit all over it. TMZ somehow magically learned (read: Pimp Mama Kris sweetly whispered it into Harvey Levin’s ear during a quick kuddle session in the Illuminati lounge) that Kanye will do one of the dumbest things he’s ever done (and that’s saying everything since the list of dumb things he’s done is longer than the line to touch Bruce Jenner’s mane) by marrying into that herd of whores.

TMZ’s “source” says that sometime this week, an official from the courthouse will come to Kim and Kuntye’s house in L.A. and marry them in a “low-key” ceremony. Kim and Kanye supposedly wanted to keep it on the down-low (HAHAHAHAHA) and so they got a confidential marriage license, but the “news” somehow leaked like Kanye’s b-hole when he looks at his beautiful self in the mirror. A month after they get pre-divorced in California, they’ll take their asses to Paris to get married again in a $28 million dollar wedding that I’m sure will be filmed for a 28-episode E! special that’ll be sponsored by Divorce.com.

So I’m going to guess that PMK’s idea of “low-key” is 4 kustom-made Givenchy wedding dresses instead of 8 and a kamera krew of 30 will film it all for another E! special instead of a kamera krew of 90. Lucifer’s currently busy counseling one of his minions Donald Sterling, so he can’t make it to the low-key ceremony, but I’m sure he’ll be the witness at the big blow-out wedding in Paris.

In other Kanye news you definitely care about, his 17-year-old protégée Pia Mia posted some suspect shit on Instagram recently and some think she’s hinting that Kanye’s fucking her on the side. Pia Mia threw up a photo of herself and wrote, “@TheOtherWomanMovie trailer…story of my life.” Hollywood Life thinks she’s letting it be known that she’s Kanye’s side trick and a source said he talks to her flirty-like on the phone:

“Kanye called her and the conversation sounded kind of flirty and romantic. It could be that they are just good friends but it was definitely more than just a professional call.”​

I see what Kanye is doing. Kanye is making up rumors that he’s boning a 17-year-old so he’ll get arrested and can’t marry Kim since he’ll be in jail. But Kanye is forgetting one very important thing. His marriage to Kim will be declared NULL, VOID and ILLEGAL after officials find out that he’s already legally married to his real soulmate: himself.

Here’s Pia Mia at some charity event a couple of weeks ago wearing the “Banjee Girl” outfit that Courtney Act wore on Ru Paul’s Drag Race last night. Fun fact:  If you say “Pia Mia” really fast, it sounds like what Kim would excitedly scream at Ray-J during fuck times. Pee-Ahn-Mee-ah!

Pics: Wenn.com

ICYMI: Emma Stone’s Lip Synch Battle With Jimmy Fallon

Last night Emma Stone was on The Tonight Show to promote the sequel to that Spider-Man reboot movie (I think it’s called The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Did We Really Need This?) and it wouldn’t be an episode of The Tonight Show unless Jimmy Fallon got into a dance battle or a sing-off or a Hip Hop Abs competition with his guest, so he and Emma decided to lip synch…FOR YOUR LIFE.

Except that their lip synching wasn’t nearly as fun as it is on Drag Race (nobody ripped off their wig or blew out their tuck on a set of jump splits). Jimmy and Emma looked more like two accountants at an office team building event after trading all their drink tickets for Alabama slammers. But it wasn’t the worst; Emma gets an A+ for putting her heart and soul and buggy eyes into the Ludacris part of DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win” without throwing up some embarrassing white girl gang signs (I’m looking at you, annE Hathaway). Shante you stay, Emma Stone.

And if Emma wants to make a little money on the side, I heard Katy Perry is looking for a tutor.

Here’s more of Emma Stone looking like a sassy lil’ bland basic bitch as she arrives at GMA Tuesday morning:

Pics: Splash

Chrissy Teigen And John Legend Had Sex In First Class By Hiding Under A Blanket

While the rest of us in coach are busy barfing up our complimentary bag of 7 stale almonds or fighting with the headrest TV to pick up any channel besides the one that shows a map with a picture of our plane flying over it, the horny rich fucks of first class are getting their rocks off under cashmere blankets. They don’t even have to leave their seats and try to sneak into the bathrooms like the rest of us! AND they get free champagne? First class really is a better way to fly.

When asked about the craziest place she’s ever had sex, sexy chipmunk swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen told Sorority News (aka Cosmo) that her and husband John Legend made things awkward for everyone trying to enjoy their free foot rubs (or whatever shit they get in first class) by getting gross in their seats:

“We were on our way to Thailand to see my parents, flying commercial first-class. We were under a blanket. We weren’t even in one of those pod things. I feel like we should get a trophy for that.”

I don’t think they give out trophies for smearing your nasty crotch liquids all over the seats of first class while your fellow passengers whisper to each other “They’re definitely fucking under that blanket, right?” But if they did, I’m sure it would be presented by the stewardess who had to touch that jizz-covered blanket when you landed in Thailand.

Chrissy also went on to tell Cosmo that she’s lucky to have met her partner in mid-flight fucking, because he’s pretty much the reason she has a career. Maybe that would explain why Chrissy got 3 Cosmo covers? Who knew John Legend had so much pull at Cosmo. Here’s all 3 covers featuring Chrissy in a variety of shorts (“Try out this sexy new trick on your man’s taint. Hint: it involve shorts!”) as well as Chrissy in a bathtub showing us what the seats looked like in first class after her and John were done with them.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For April 28th!

After the Bollywood Oscars, John Travolta takes his personal water taxi to the Scientology compound in Clearwater for a little R & R. – mento

Upvote winner:

Not pictured: a Kardashian on the end of the dock with her legs spread. – Cookie-Slore

via FunPic

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Craig Ferguson Quits The Late Late Show On CBS

Seen above showing us what CBS did to him by not giving him David Letterman’s job on The Late Show, Craig Ferguson has told everyone that when December comes he’ll say goodbye to The Late Late Show. Actually, that hot Scottish piece (yes, I would) is the one who bent CBS over, spit in their hole and gave it to them since they’re apparently giving him around $10 million since he had first right of refusal for Letterman’s job and they gave it to Stephen Colbert instead of him. Get money and retire, bitch!

Craig became host of The Late Late Show in 2005 and his contract is up at the end of this year, but he doesn’t want to stay. There were already rumors that Craig was going to slide out the exit door if he didn’t get Letterman’s job, so this isn’t exactly surprising. Craig told the audience during his show tonight that after December you can find him rolling around naked on a pile of money while guzzling down liquefied and sparkling hundred dollar bills.

“CBS and I are not getting divorced, we are ‘consciously uncoupling,’ but we will still spend holidays together and share custody of the fake horse and robot skeleton, both of whom we love very much.”

And now brace yourselves for all the “replacement” rumors, because every goddamn whore from John Travolta’s wig to the trick you met on Craigslist who screamed, “Here comes the party,” before he came (you know who I’m talk about) is going to show up on the list of possible replacements. But apparently, human Vodka bottle Chelsea Handler isn’t going to be on that list since she’s going to Netflix.

CBS should spare us all with the rumors and just give the job to the fucking robot:

Bitch already knows the show and he’s as dead inside as most of the guests he’ll interview. He’s perfect!