Amal Alamuddin’s Law Firm Confirms The End Of The World Is Near

If you told your job that you’re engaged, your boss would probably slowly bust out a manufactured smile before telling you that you better not be planning a late-summer wedding because the third quarter books aren’t going to wrap up by themselves. But when Amal Alamuddin (Side Note: And I still read her name as Anal a la Muddin, which sounds like something you’d find on the services menu of a rent boy who gets into scat play for the right price.) gets engaged to George Clooney, her job lets the world know that it’s true, one of their lawyers is getting married to the dude whose dick would curl up into the fetal position every time it heard the word “marriage.” Doughty Street Chambers released this statement to everybody:

“The barristers and staff of Doughty Street Chambers offer their best wishes and congratulations to Ms. Amal Alamuddin, a member of Chambers, and Mr. George Clooney on their engagement to be married.”

George Clooney’s mom Nina Clooney also confirmed he’s engaged to The Daily Mail:

“You can say I’m extremely happy, Amal’s a lovely girl. I like her very much.”

At first I thought that George Clooney was just looking for some attention or found out he’s going to die in a few months, but it kind of makes sense to me now. George is getting old and when we all get old, we want someone in our lives who swore to the gods above that they’d wipe the drool off of our face, help us off the toilet after we peed sitting down and give us an unwrapped Werther’s Original before changing the bed sheets we accidentally pissed on in the middle of the night. George Clooney decided he should probably get someone who is highly educated. I mean, would you trust Sarah Larson to quickly unwrap a Wether’s Original for you without asking, “How do I unwrap this Werther’s Original?“

Leslie Mann Wants To Know What It’s Like To Have Sex With A Penis

For those of you thinking “Uh, how did she make those kids then?” allow me to clarify. Leslie Mann, 1/3 of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Other Women, was asked in an interview with Radio 1 what she’d do if she was transformed into a man for 24-hours. I know that if I were turned into a man, I’d spend 23 of those hours practicing my tuck game (what good are balls if you can’t cram them up inside of you?), but I guess Leslie could care less about a meaty tuck, because the only thing she’s interested in is busting a nut:

“I would have sex. I would love to know how it operates! Like what the real mechanics feel like! It would be fun to feel the other side, wouldn’t it?”

Hmmm, if only there were some kind of appliance one could use that would simulate the act of penetration, perhaps a substitute phallus that one could, let’s say, strap on. Maybe such a thing could be found in a store dedicated to the sale of recreational intercourse products? I’m just spit-balling ideas here.

Being turned into a man for 24-hours and learning to fuck sounds fun in theory, but in reality I know I’d be cursed with a Twilight Zone-style switcheroo, where I wake up in the body of a guy who is no longer able to get a boner from years of steroid abuse and rages out all his pent-up sexual frustration at CrossFit. I mean, I can deal with a dead dick, but going to the gym? No thank you.

Pic: Splash

Paul Simon And Edie Brickell Were Arrested On Saturday After Getting Messy With Each Other

And the last two hos I ever thought would get arrested for some messy domestic shit got arrested for some messy domestic shit over the weekend. Here I was thinking that 72-year-old Paul Simon and his 48-year-old wife of 22 years Edie Brickell argue with each other by pulling out an acoustic guitar and a tambourine, and as he softly sings his side, she sways back and forth with her eyes closed before softly singing her side. Then they make up by sharing a bench quietly. But nope, these two little, bohemian birds get rowdy too. It’s always the quiet ones…

NBC Connecticut says that the police were called to Paul Simon and Edie Brickell’s home in New Canaan, CT on Saturday night after the two got into some sort of fight. After the police investigated that shit, they put them both into handcuffs and they were both charged with disorderly conduct. In a statement that was released today, the Chief of Police said they weren’t taken to the police station and they both have to show their faces in court today:

Chief of Police Leon Krolikowski said during a news briefing that this was a family dispute, which reached the level that required police to make an arrest. Simon and Brickell were not taken into custody, he said.

Simon and Brickell were married in 1992, have three children together and live in New Canaan.

The cops say it wasn’t a “domestic violence” situation, so The Difficult Brown, Emma Roberts and Sean Penn shouldn’t welcome Paul Simon or Edie Brickell into their Domestic Abuse Fight Club just yet. This is hard for me to wrap my tattered brain around, because it’s hard to believe that shit got so serious between these two meek, delicate little twigs that the cops had to be called out. Paul Simon is about as tall as Tommy Girl when Tommy Girls gets on his knees (“I can confirm this” said every member of the Scientology bathhouse), so if Edie wanted to get away from his drunken screaming, all she would have to do is go into a room and close the door. She wouldn’t even have to lock it since Paul can’t reach the knob anyway. A mess.

And I’m sure that once the police report is released, we’ll say that the first thing the responding officer asked Edie was, “But mam, did he choke you in the shallow waters?“

Chris Martin Is Taking The Blame For Consciously Uncoupling His Marriage

Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!

“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”

“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”

That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.

And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?

Pics: Splash

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For April 25th!

“No Billy, Grandma doesn’t want to hear about all your holes. Now shut up, put this garden hose in your mouth, and start spinnin’ around because my lawn needs waterin’.” – Shadeball

Upvote winner:

“You’re hired!”
“Yes, I’ll marry you!”
– Said no one ever. – Clair

via Facebook (Thanks JasperDekimmel)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Baddie Winkle! The new Bad Bitch Grand Dame of Social Media who has been stealing your man since 1928 and is the Patron Saint of Bad Bitches who is alway praying for the basics.

It’s been only a few weeks since Baddie Winkle made Twitter and Instagram better and badder places by joining them and she’s already got over 100,000 followers who worship at her home wrecking, badass bitch altar. Baddie Winkle is an 86-year-old great-memaw who loves Beyonce, Justin Bieber (every hero as their flaw, I guess), tie-die and putting her seasoned bull dozer vagina to work. When Baddie Winkle winks at your man, a crack appears in your wedding ring. We finally know who Dolly Parton was singing about.

Baddie Winkle is almost TOO perfect, so I squinted at all her pictures to see if she’s really just Johnny Knoxville in a badass memaw mask and wig. But a) Johnny Knoxville only wishes he had a man-thieving body like that and; b) Baddie Winkle says she’s totally real. Even though her 7 grandchildren helped her set up her account, she says she’s the one who runs that bitch.

I just want to share a joint with Baddie Winkle and takes notes as she tells me her ways:

Actually, reading through her Twatter taught me her ways. Toking, drinking, home wrecking and going to Hooters IS the secret to a long badass life.