Sorry NBC, But You’ll Have To Find Another Horny Hillbilly Rodent To Play Tinkerbell

I would rather choke on my own tongue pic.twitter.com/fVUQTCwrb9

— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) February 24, 2014

Somewhere in Malibu, Julia Roberts just crossed Miley Cyrus’s name off her shit list. “That’s right; nobody plays Tinkerbell but me, bitch. Danny? Send a memo to NBC telling them I ~might~ be available for Peter Pan.”

File this under Unexpected Surprises; today I’ve learned two things I didn’t already know about Miley Cyrus, and both of them make me like her just a little bit more. I know, I must be inhaling the same fucked-up airplane glue as Riccardo Tisci. The first thing I’ve learned about Miley is that, despite evidence to the contrary, she has at least one working brain cell that’s able to separate shitty decisions from true career killers (if you’ve only got one brain cell left, that’s the one you want). On Monday, Miley tweeted a picture of a tabloid story that claims she’s “determined” to land the role of Tinkerbell in NBC’s live broadcast of Peter Pan with the caption: “I would rather choke on my own tongue.” Oh Miley, don’t choke on it. It’s so toxic it would rot a hole though your trachea and you’ll have to sing through an electrolarynx like Ned from South Park.

And the second thing I learned about Miley that makes me like her is that she eats Kettle Chips. Kettle Chips are friggin delicious, so I refuse to throw shade at anyone with good taste in snacks,  And yes, I was able to spot a blurry brown shape in the upper lefthand corner of that picture and correctly identify it as a bag of Lightly Salted Kettle Chips. Never underestimate the power of my processed sodium addiction and Rain Man-like ability to find fried foods.