We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.
While Ryan Reynolds was being consoled by Andrew Garfield (“I know I know, you would have won if musicals and comedies had separate categories“), Ryan Gosling thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving him his first Golden Globe award. Ryan took home Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy last night for La La Land, and he filled his acceptance speech with nice things about his “lady” Eva Mendes.
The Golden Globes turned out to be your theater queen friend who has seen La La Land a hundred times, has one of the songs as his ringtone and throws you the most disgusting look every time you say you haven’t seen it yet and really have no desire to do so. La La Land won everything including Best Actor – Comedy or Musical for Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling was up against the other Ryan, future Oscar winner (in his head) Ryan Reynolds for Deadpool. When Ryan beat Ryan, it wasn’t Blake NotSoLively who sucked the sad rejection out of him by sucking his face. It was Andrew Garfield. If you’re a Marvel nerd, lock the door, pull down your pants and grab the lotion.
You probably missed Ryan Reynolds & Andrew Garfield making out at the #GoldenGlobes, so here. On the left.
— Complex Pop Culture (@ComplexPop) January 9, 2017
Seriously, my thoughts and prayers are with the parents of gay Marvel nerds. Because I can’t even imagine what happened when nerds watched Deadpool and Spider-Man make love to each other’s mouths. I bet that many moms are going to walk into their sons’ rooms tomorrow and wonder why the carpet is covered with dried evaporated milk. “Were you making a dozen tres leches cakes in here or something?” is what mom is going to scream.
Deadpool and Spider-Man don’t do things to me, but I’ll take man-on-man action however I can get it. I was hoping that the man-on-man hotness would’ve rubbed off on Jake Gyllenhaal and Luke Bracey and made them tongue each other good.
Pic: @People, Getty
Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.
When a 35-years-later sequel to Blade Runner was first announced almost two years ago, all we knew was that Harrison Ford would be in it and that it would be directed by French Canadian Denis Villeneuve. I was hoping a French Canadian director would mean this new Blade Runner would take place in a futuristic Montreal populated entirely by aggressively sexual android acrobats and robot jugglers, but that’s not the Blade Runner sequel we’re getting here.
The first teaser for Blade Runner 2046, was released today, and here’s what we’ve got: a little over a minute and a half of Ryan Gosling walking moodily through a dirty Los Angeles. About halfway through Ryan Gosling makes his way alone through desert where he comes upon a destroyed sculpture of a head. It’s not explained, so I’m just going to assume that was the moment Ryan’s character realized Burning Man was last weekend. He eventually meets Harrison Ford’s Rick Deckard. We also learn that Rick Deckard is living in an abandoned Korean hotel or something?
And that’s it! Blade Runner 2046 doesn’t come out until October 2017.
That teaser did nothing but make me want to take a shower, then replace the filter in my air purifier. Who cares about dusty-ass Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling? Just show us a clip from the part where Ryan works his smooth Canadian charm on a hot retro-inspired replicant named Rachael. I don’t know if that’s in the movie, but it better be. If Hollywood is going to recycle ideas like Blade Runner, the least they can do is give us the best part of it.
As the marriage of one famous couple implodes like a box of firecrackers that was set too close to the campfire, another famous couple has said “Fuck it, let’s try this marriage thing.” UsWeekly says that Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are married. Not just that, they also claim they’ve been married for a while. I’m sure there’s a handful of McGosling die-hards out there who just shouted “Married to other people, right? Like, Ryan got secret married to a woman named Rachel? Right? RIGHT?!?” No, Ryan got married to the mother of his two kids, Eva Mendes. You may commence weeping into your special edition The Notebook Blu-ray now.