I must have had a lobotomy in the last decade because somehow Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman have been married since 2006 – longer than her marriage to Tom Cruise! A lesser person would give Nicole a gold medal for the beard Olympics, but not me! I’m gonna give a golf clap considering that marriage has lasted through better or worse, sickness and health, Big Little Lies and Grace Of Monaco – not to mention some funky clapping! Alas, Nicole says don’t blame the longevity of her marriage on the strength of their vows. Blame it on an embargo on iMessage! Continue reading
Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
Vanity Fair is doing a series called Secret Talent Theater, where stars of their Hollywood Issue cover show off their secret talent. Oprah was up first, and she showed us that her secret talent is pulling all of our dicks, because she claimed in her video that her talent is cleaning up dog shit. Oprah really wants us to think she cleans up her dog’s diarrhea from the carpet herself. O, please, when one of Oprah’s dogs caca on the carpet, she doesn’t use one of her three hands to grab a rag to clean it up. She uses her hand to grab a bell to summon her minions to pull the carpet from the floor, burn it immediately and replace it with brand new carpet.
Next up was Nicole Kidman, who surprisingly didn’t show us that her secret talent is that she can morph her face into that of a 20-something Naomi Watts (see: the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue cover). Nicole’s secret talent is that she can eat bugs. “What an amazingly rare talent,” said the people all over the world who eat bugs. If you’re impressed that Nicole doesn’t gag when swallowing a live hornworm, don’t be. I think she got rid of her gag reflex from repeatedly holding in the heaves while watching Scientologists give Tom Cruise a sloppy wet rim job (and I mean that figuratively and literally). And someone is definitely fapping to Nicole swallowing down a worm all sexy-like.
Fun fact: Did you know that you can buy crickets on Amazon? I found this out when I ordered some after Nicole said they taste like a hairy nut. I prefer my nuts on the smoother side, but a desperate slut like me has to take what he can get.
I’m so used to seeing Oprah Winfrey giving tons of high-energy excitement on the cover of O Magazine, that it’s a little weird to see her working such drabness on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood Issue. I know the theme of ever Hollywood Issue “Stars who forgot to pop an Ambien the night before and only got 2 hours of sleep,” and I’ll applaud Oprah for playing along. But you know there’s a part of her that wanted to drop Reese Witherspoon, rip off that black satin duvet cover to reveal a shimmering jewel-toned gown underneath, throw up her arms and crank a full-tooth smile behind a headline that reads “2018 Is Your Year To SHINE!”
There was a lot of messy fashion at the SAG Awards last night (prepare yourself accordingly after that jump below!). But obviously any effort that was put in was immediately cancelled out the second Kate Hudson returned to the scene of last year’s fashion crime and fully outdid herself in a fluffy Valentino vision of countrified love. I say love because, duh, the hearts a’plenty, but also because I love this dress. What’s not to love? Black velvet (check), pink beauty pageant chiffon (check), a high-lace neckline with corresponding bib of ruffles (checking furiously). The only thing missing is a pink parasol. Kate probably left it in the limo for fear of being mistaken for Miley Cyrus in a knock-off production of My Fair Lady called Decent Lookin’ Gal.
Here’s who else showed up and sizzled eyeballs with style.
Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”