The 16 annual CMT Music Awards (which I’m pretty sure was also the 16th country music awards show to happen this month alone) were last night in Nashville, and no country music awards show is complete with Our Lord of Tang Tanner and Our Lady of SPF 6000 working the carpet. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman once again showed us that a couple that middle parts their hair (and wears a wreck of an outfit) together, stays together!
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
The annual Cannes amfAR Gala for AIDS research was held last night, and it’s an event that truly brings out the best attempts in fashion. This is what Nicki Minaj looked like, and I love it all. The Morticia Addams hair paired with the un-dead boudoir eleganza from Roberto Cavalli and the ten pounds of diamonds makes her look like Vampira’s money-hungry hustler sister Scampira. Watch out, rich dudes – she’ll suck the life out of you and your bank account!
Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!
Big Little Lies‘ finale aired last night and that’s supposed to be that. Most of the questions were answered, and I say “most,” because they didn’t answer two of my most important questions: 1. Why didn’t anyone dress as Audrey Hepburn in Bloodline (her most glamorous look) to that Audrey/Elvis party? And 2. Is Ziggy’s auntie Eleven from Stranger Things, because those two are definitely related.
Big Little Lies was always meant to be a limited-run miniseries, but since it’s a critical and ratings hit, and Nicole Kidman will probably win every award imaginable, there’s been talk about HBO bringing it back for a second season. Jean-Marc Vallée, who directed all seven episodes, doesn’t think they should continue the story, but Reese Witherspoon (who will always be Laura Jeanne Poon to me) and Nicole Kidman do. Oh, I thought of a third question that wasn’t answered. Are Madeline and Ed secretly Monterey’s biggest drug kingpins, because how else can they afford that beach house on a part-time community theater manager and web designer’s salaries? If they do more episodes, they better answer that.
I was sort of hoping that the mystery of Nicole Kidman’s clapping malfunction at the 2017 Oscars would stay a mystery until 2063 when the truth (or at least an incredibly salacious version thereof) was exposed in Hollywood Babylon XII. Sadly, the truth behind her awkward clap isn’t salacious.
According to Nicole, it was the jewelry’s fault. Nicole called in to Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show this morning and was asked if her weird-ass clapping was due to the fancy rings she was wearing, and Nicole said yes. She added that she was faced with the ultimate famous person-at-an-awards-show dilemma: either clap and risk returning her jewelry all scratched-up, or not clap and look rude. Nicole obviously chose clapping, but tried really hard not to ruin the fancy ring she was loaned. Which would be why she looked like a seal struggling through a flipper spasm.
Entertainment Tonight says that Nicole was wearing 119 carats of Harry Winston jewels on Oscar night.
Nicole probably would’ve faced a famous person horror if she returned her jewelry to Harry Winston in less-than-perfect shape. Harry will tell Mr. Chopard, who will then tell Ms. Cartier, who will squeal to Barry Bulgari and Tiffany, who will text Lorraine Schwartz and Neil Lane, and so on, and so on. Before you know it, Nicole is blacklisted from every jeweler in town. And the next red carpet Nicole hits, she’ll be forced to say: “Well Giuliana, I’m wearing a lovely Open Hearts by Jane Seymour diamond pendant from Peoples.” That’s a lot worse than not getting invited.