I was sort of hoping that the mystery of Nicole Kidman’s clapping malfunction at the 2017 Oscars would stay a mystery until 2063 when the truth (or at least an incredibly salacious version thereof) was exposed in Hollywood Babylon XII. Sadly, the truth behind her awkward clap isn’t salacious.
According to Nicole, it was the jewelry’s fault. Nicole called in to Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show this morning and was asked if her weird-ass clapping was due to the fancy rings she was wearing, and Nicole said yes. She added that she was faced with the ultimate famous person-at-an-awards-show dilemma: either clap and risk returning her jewelry all scratched-up, or not clap and look rude. Nicole obviously chose clapping, but tried really hard not to ruin the fancy ring she was loaned. Which would be why she looked like a seal struggling through a flipper spasm.
Entertainment Tonight says that Nicole was wearing 119 carats of Harry Winston jewels on Oscar night.
Nicole probably would’ve faced a famous person horror if she returned her jewelry to Harry Winston in less-than-perfect shape. Harry will tell Mr. Chopard, who will then tell Ms. Cartier, who will squeal to Barry Bulgari and Tiffany, who will text Lorraine Schwartz and Neil Lane, and so on, and so on. Before you know it, Nicole is blacklisted from every jeweler in town. And the next red carpet Nicole hits, she’ll be forced to say: “Well Giuliana, I’m wearing a lovely Open Hearts by Jane Seymour diamond pendant from Peoples.” That’s a lot worse than not getting invited.
Nicole Kidman was all kinds of stiff and frozen at the Oscars last night and I’m not talking about her face. There’s a lot of clapping that happens during the Oscars, but sadly Nicole just couldn’t get the hang of it and it was weird.
Nicole Kidman wears whatever the hell Nicole Kidman wants to wear on the red carpet. Example: above. Sometimes that works for her and sometimes it doesn’t. That kind of questionable couture selection has landed her on a number of Worst Dressed lists. But Nicole doesn’t cry Botox tears every time she ends up on one of those lists.
Two years after Nicole Kidman
finally escaped the clutches of Scientology divorced Tom Cruise, there was a rumor that she was dating Lenny Kravitz. This was back in 2003 before famous people filled their thirst quotient by debuting their relationships on social media. Nicole never really confirmed that she got with Lenny, but they were papped together a bunch of times and people just put two and two together. Now we know their relationship was a lot more serious than just some T9 booty call texts sent on a Motorola Razr at 1am.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
It seems like Nicole Kidman’s stylist has been smoking some bedazzled crack rocks lately, but they must’ve smoked the right kind of bedazzled rock yesterday. Because Nicole Kidman covered the SAG Awards with tons of fucking sequins and crazy parrot glamour. If you’re wearing a Gucci dress that Barry Manilow can easily use as a backdrop to sing Copacabana in front of, then you’re wearing the right Gucci dress. I don’t know whether to throw crackers at her titties or beg her fabulous parrot friends to sing the Enchanted Tiki Room song to us. Nicole really is giving us tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room realness.
If one of Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville restaurants opened up a lounge where torch song versions of his songs were sung, Nicole Kidman would be that joint’s main singer. Nicole has been putting crazy shit on her body lately and this shit is still crazy, but it’s the right kind of crazy. You can never go wrong by dressing as the hostess at a Rainforest Cafe that’s run by Liberace.
And Nicole trained her bedazzled chest parrots well, because they behaved and didn’t peck at Keith Urban after mistaking his fake tanner face for dehydrated papaya.