Naomi Watts really did a number on me last year when it came out that (despite Liev Schrieber’s versatility in bouncing from a Shakespearean role to playing Cotton Weary in Scream) Liev would NOT maintain his 11-year part in pleasing Naomi’s Aussie cooch. The duo split, and garbled out the typical “We have huge love and respect for one another and high hopes for it to remain that way going forward” ca-ca. That is the usual prerequisite in Hollywood, before one of them fucks a member of the hired help and then has to buy them a Prius as hush money.
Well, it seems Naomi’s role as a horny therapist in Gypsy is sending tingles to her lady bits, as Page Six reports. Supposedly, she’s bumping Down Unders with her TV-husband (and MasterCard “Priceless” guy!) Billy Crudup. Continue reading
The Beguiled isn’t just the movie Nicole Kidman is hawking these days. It’s what newsstand passersby become when they see the cover of Love magazine and notice now that her (SPOILER ALERT) man croaked and Celeste skipped Monterrey to go hunt down a new one in Nashville!
Nicole (with her nips having the same reaction mine do any time someone hands me a plate of hot chicken down in Tennessee), rocks one of Pamela Anderson’s Baywatch swimsuits and a cowboy hat to tell Music City (SPOILER ALERT 2), “Rayna James may no longer be with you, but a new country queen is here!” Love magazine’s Twitter posted the picture above and quotes her saying:
What were you doing, Nicole?! And can we see more of it? This is the most life out of you we’ve seen since the night you finally sprang free from the Scientology bathhouse!
While the cloud to her right seems ready to mosey on up and offer to buy Nicole a drink at the Bluebird, the “o” in the “Love” is calling a spade a spade: “Who is this shifty bitch, and why is she holding onto a fur-lined jean jacket? It’s July!”
Pic: Carin Backoff/Love Magazine
The 16 annual CMT Music Awards (which I’m pretty sure was also the 16th country music awards show to happen this month alone) were last night in Nashville, and no country music awards show is complete with Our Lord of Tang Tanner and Our Lady of SPF 6000 working the carpet. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman once again showed us that a couple that middle parts their hair (and wears a wreck of an outfit) together, stays together!
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
The annual Cannes amfAR Gala for AIDS research was held last night, and it’s an event that truly brings out the best attempts in fashion. This is what Nicki Minaj looked like, and I love it all. The Morticia Addams hair paired with the un-dead boudoir eleganza from Roberto Cavalli and the ten pounds of diamonds makes her look like Vampira’s money-hungry hustler sister Scampira. Watch out, rich dudes – she’ll suck the life out of you and your bank account!
Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!