I’m sorry everyone, the world’s most relevant and inspiring couple, Michael Lohan and Kate Major Lohan, have broken up. Tragic! Does true love even exist anymore? First Lil Xan and Noah Cyrus and now this? My heart just can’t take it.
The Blast is reporting that Kate filed papers in Florida yesterday to legally make her a divorcee, claiming that the four-year marriage was “irretrievably broken”. I think Michael Lohan has a few relationships in his life which can be described as “irretrievably broken”.
At least temporarily while she’s in the United States talking to other Americans.
I’m sure the busted Euro-purr Lindsay Lohan puts on when she’s out of the country will return the second her plane crosses the 30th meridian west. “Hello, flight attendant? May I bother you for some (crosses line) of zee…how you say, wah-toor? Wahtoor wiss…uh…how you say, slice of ze lemon?”
Kate Major landed herself in some hot Lohan-scented water (it smells like jail and clipped cigarettes) back in October for pulling her usual stunt: getting sloppy drunk and attacking an authority figure. This time the figure in question was a cop. In The Idiot’s Guide to Fucking Up they call this “El Clasico.”
On the current cover of Star Magazine is a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s come-to-life V for Vendetta mask of a fiancé Egor Tarabasov grabbing her arms during a fight on a beach in Mykonos. The picture came from a video that was taken by someone who watched LiLo and Egor fight in a Jeep before she threw his cellphone onto the sand and he twisted her arm while trying to pry it out of her hand. It was yet another messy situation in LiLo and Egor’s messy Lifetime movie of a relationship. Over the weekend, The Daily Mail published an interview they did with LiLo about that video and the night he allegedly choked her out in London. LiLo also says that her barbecued turtle turd of a father Michael Lohan uses her for press and attention. I know, you better freebase Xanax right away, because learning that Michael Lohan is a low-down dirty attention whore is just too much of a shock to your nerves on a Monday.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.
Go ahead and take apart your end-of-the-world bunker, because it doesn’t look like the apocalypse is coming anytime soon since Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t have a baby in her body. (Although, you may not want to take apart your end-of-the-world bunker right away, because Trump could still win in November.)
Michael Lohan really wanted us all to think that a half-Russian ATM baby is growing in his daughter’s womb. Michael claimed that LiLo texted him with, “Daddy, I’m pregnant,” and he believed her, because LiLo never lies! But today, LiLo’s friend, socialite Hofit Golan, told a different story.