For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
Besides Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar who were extremely hot as Sugar and Spice, Batman Forever was a neon turd and apparently it was a huge, messy shit show behind-the-scenes too. Ever since that mess came out, there’s been rumors that there was a lot of fighting going on during filming and that Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones got along as well as two Rockaway black bears. Jim Carrey was on Howard Stern (via UsWeekly) yesterday to promote Dumb and Dumber To and the rumors about him scrappin’ with TLJ on the set of Batman Forever came up. Jim Carrey said that yeah, the rumors are true, and then he told a story that should make all of us wish we will get into a fight with TLJ just once. Because he will spew out some poetic hate that will make your soul blossom.
One month before the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Jim Carrey picked up a gun and collected a check to play Colonel Stars and Stripes in the sequel to Kick-Ass. Then when the Sandy Hook shooting happened, Jim had a sort of anti-gun epiphany and spoke out several times about how he feels this country needs tighter gun control. With Kick-Ass 2 coming out in August, now is the time for everyone involved to start pimping that shit out, but Jim said on Twitter this past weekend that he can’t sell a movie with that much violence in it.
I did Kickass a month b4 Sandy Hook and now in all good conscience I cannot support that level of violence. My apologies to e
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) June 23, 2013
I meant to say my apologies to others involve with the film. I am not ashamed of it but recent events have caused a change in my heart.
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) June 23, 2013
Kick-Ass 2’s director Mark Millar responded on his website and said that he’s confused in the brains over Jim Carrey wanting nothing to do with his movie, because he says that the script never ever changed and the violence is so over-the-top that it’s satirical. Jim plays a Born-Again Christian who refuses to a fire a gun and Mark says that’s what drew Jim to the character in the first place. Mark went on to say that it’s just a damn movie and he hopes Jim changes his mind. Here’s a piece of what Mark wrote:
As you may know, Jim is a passionate advocate of gun-control and I respect both his politics and his opinion, but I’m baffled by this sudden announcement as nothing seen in this picture wasn’t in the screenplay eighteen months ago. Yes, the body-count is very high, but a movie called Kick-Ass 2 really has to do what it says on the tin. A sequel to the picture that gave us HIT-GIRL was always going to have some blood on the floor and this should have been no shock to a guy who enjoyed the first movie so much. My books are very hardcore, but the movies are adapted for a more mainstream audience and if you loved the tone of the first picture you’re going to eat this up with a big, giant spoon. Like Jim, I’m horrified by real-life violence (even though I’m Scottish), but Kick-Ass 2 isn’t a documentary. No actors were harmed in the making of this production! This is fiction and like Tarantino and Peckinpah, Scorcese and Eastwood, John Boorman, Oliver Stone and Chan-Wook Park, Kick-Ass avoids the usual bloodless body-count of most big summer pictures and focuses instead of the CONSEQUENCES of violence, whether it’s the ramifications for friends and family or, as we saw in the first movie, Kick-Ass spending six months in hospital after his first street altercation.
“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY?!” is the question everybody’s asking. Is Jim going to keep it, is he going to donate it or is he going to stand outside of movie theaters on Kick-Ass 2’s opening day and pay people to not see it? Jim hasn’t said yet. Since I’m filled with equal parts bitterness, cynicalness and bitchiness, part of me thinks this is a STUNT QUEEN move to get people talking about Kick-Ass 2, but if it isn’t, then I can’t really shade on Jim for changing his mind.
You know, one of my friends saw The Incredible Burt Wonderstone at a discount movie theater and said it was so goddamn awful that he wanted to beat the brains out of his head on the armrest. So, since Jim isn’t making movies that he feels could elicit violence, there won’t ever be a sequel to The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. That’s a positive!
Here’s mega man slut Jim Carrey in Malibu yesterday with a girl who isn’t his daughter and looks so damn young she probably gets carded while trying to buy Gatorade. You nasty ole’ bitch, Jim. Jim’s new piece is probably all happy to be dating him, because she gets to drive in fancy cars, eat fancy foods in fancy restaurants and drink fancy drinks on the fancy side of Malibu. But wait until Jim throws a ginger wig on her head and makes her recite all of Emma Stone’s lines from Easy A while he tongues her belly button. There’s a price to pay for everything!
And, duh, I’d hit it. Look at those snow cone titties. You know how when you’re making meringue (because you’re ALWAYS making meringue) and the instructions say to whip until soft peaks form? That’s what Jim’s man chichis look like. Soft peaks in a bowl. So yeah, I’d hit it. But just try not to look at his torso if you’re ever on top, because it does have a face and sometimes its face looks like it’s judging you.
Autism whisperer Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey humped on each other for 5 years and during that time he formed a relationship with her now 10-year-old son Evan. Since they broke up over 2 years ago, Jim hasn’t called or visited Evan at all. Evan regularly tells Jenny that he misses Jim. Instead of calling Jim up to tell him to wave at Evan on Skype or some shit, Jenny put him on blast while promoting her newest shit show Love in the Wild on Howard Stern. Jenny told Howard that she hasn’t actually talked to Jim, but she has gone through various “channels” to try to talk to him. What I think she means by that is that she sat in front of the TV, channel surfed until she landed on a channel playing Ace Ventura and then used her Indigo powers to send him a message through the screen. That’s what she means. This is what Jenny told Howard (via UsWeekly) about Jim walking out on her son:
“I’ve tried to ask [Jim] numerous times [to see Evan], because my son still asks. I haven’t [reached out directly] . . . I think that sometimes people need to take a real break from each other. But I still love him. I think you can love people from a distance and respect him. But as a mother, you just hope when you have a relationship with someone, it has nothing to do with the child when you break up.
I tell [Evan] that someday you’ll cross paths, meet again, [but] it’s hard. He’s been in therapy. It’s a process, he’s working on it.”
Would it be nice for Jim to visit Evan every now and again? Sure. Was it a dick move for Jenny to paint Jim as a heartless, child-hating shit bag when she hasn’t even tried to contact him herself? Definitely. But we don’t know the whole story. It could be complicated. But instead of using her son to get to Jim Carrey, Jenny should do what most hos do when they want to see Jim Carrey. Bitch should just put an Emma Stone cardboard cutout in her backyard and wait until Jim shows up. He will!
UPDATE: Jim issued a statement to TMZ where he made it clear that he doesn’t see Evan anymore and also made it clear that Jenny needs to learn a little thing called STFU. Jim said, “I will always do what I believe is in the best interest of Evan’s well being. It’s unfortunate that Evan’s privacy is not being considered. I love Evan very much and will miss him always.”
After humping on Jenny McCarthy for all those years and making my eyeballs barf by professing his love to Emma Stone in a video love letter, Jim Carrey has finally found true love with a 30-year-old Russian student and he’s getting ready to make her his third wife. Star says that Jim started licking on Anastasia Vitkina’s glorious globe head last year and shit is getting so serious that he’s planning to put an engagement ring on her finger. Gold diggers of the world, prepare your shovels for the victory salute! A source close to Jim puts it like this:
“Jim is going to propose! He’s absolutely crazy about Anastasia and couldn’t be happier. Anastasia is really smart, but what he likes best about her is her sense of humor. She makes him laugh — Jenny would drive him to tears.”
Jim confessed to Anastasia, ‘It’s not always easy being with me, in more ways than one. But he added, ‘I promise to make it worth your while.'”
I always knew deep down that Jim would find love with a Russian woman who looks like what would happen if Amanda Seyfried artificially inseminated herself with Brian Peppers’ jizz. Anastasia is perfect for Jim. Whenever he starts to really act the crazy (example: by pulling a prenup for her to sign), Anastasia can use her Plymouth Rock forehead to head butt him back into real life.
Jim Carrey’s open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it’s both serious and a joke! Jim’s rep said it’s a “comical love letter” and he explained it like this on Twitter:
Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com
People often ask me if i’m being funny or serious. The answer is “YES”. ?;^]
“It’s a comical love letter” is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl’s disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it’s just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he’s caught licking up “Emma Stone’s footsteps” from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O’Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together.
If you’ve ever wanted to gaze deep into Jim Carrey’s 49-year-old pores while he spills the crazy out in an open ode to his love for 22-year-old Emma Stone, this is the shit for you. Jim lets all of us know what thinks of when he jerks off by saying that if he was 20 years younger he’d make a bunch of fat freckled babies with Emma Stone. Then Jim says that he wishes Emma joy, and happiness, and above all this he wishes her laaaaaaaaauuuuuuuv. This video has since been recorded onto a VHS tape, stuffed into a manila envelope and passed to Kevin Costner who has been hired to protect Emma since Jim is obviously thisclose to moving into one of her front bushes. No. Jim is just telling jokes (I think). Here’s the transcript which is best read with the karaoke version of THIS.
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?
Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.
We’ll also say that Jim is telling jokes when he starts Tweeting about what Emma’s toilet paper smells like while he’s hiding out inside of her front yard trash can. Emma, the WTF is in your court.
But seriously, what the hell kind of poppers did those penguins give Jim?!
In keeping with this morning’s theme of random as a guinea pig waterobics class, here’s 49-year-old Jim Carrey leaving a Broadway theater last night with 24-year-old Anchal Joseph after watching Time Stood Still together. You know Anchal as one of the contestants on America’s Next Top Model 7 whose soul was sucked into Ty Ty’s globehead of fear about halfway through the competition. It looks like Anchal’s soul managed to crawl out of Ty Ty’s nostrils and dust the SMIZE off itself, because she’s back! Somewhere Ty Ty has started a wave of eye rolls around her by saying, “You know when I was a young Indian girl who held hands with Jim Carrey while wearing a rose-colored dress in NYC in January…”
I’m not even going to try to figure out how, when or why this happened. My guess is that Jim Carrey attached himself to the first young pretty girl who doesn’t violently attack strangers when she thinks she smells antigens in their veins.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have put their genitals back on the market and split up after 5 years together. Jenny decided to end things when she found out Jim was vaccinated as a child and so she couldn’t risk infecting herself by licking his pre-cum. It’s understandable. I’m with Jenny.
Jim and Jenny both announced the split on their Twatter accounts. Jim was up first:
Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>
Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane (Ed note: Jane is Jim’s daughter) and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.
You know, it’s nice that we’ve returned to the days where celebwhores can peacefully break up without help from a stash of secret mistress whores and/or a sex tape. Shit, I’ve jinxed it, haven’t I? Well, hopefully Jenny is the one with the secret whores, because we need more peen around these parts.