The Weeknd’s tour is in NYC right now, and after he played Barclays in Brooklyn last night, he and his current pap stroll partner, Selena Gomez, went to a restaurant called Carbone where she delivered rhinestone-embedded demureness and he didn’t even try. The Weeknd wore the outfit that 7 out 10 eighth grade boys in my school and I bet he spent most of the night scrawling anarchy symbols onto a paper bag book cover. Selena, on the other hand, gave us glamour and she looks like she’s about to work the floor of a strip club and ask the men if they’d like a dance. That see-through dress is a champagne room-summoning work of elegance.
A source tells E! News that The Weeknd and Selena acted romantic, or whatever, all night, and that when she walked into the room, the men all paused and neck muscles nearly snapped.
A source dished some details about the couple’s evening and couldn’t help but comment on Gomez’s style, noting that “what she was wearing turned heads when she walked in and out.”
While heads turned in that restaurant, the head of Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, probably dropped down in sadness. Seeing the nipples of his ex-au pair/wet nurse made him think of happier times when he’d cuddle up to her and chupa on her nip in between getting burped by her. Those were the days.
The extra long Holly Hobbie doll who should be charged with grand theft for stealing Annette Funicello’s wardrobe has truly mastered the art of the pap stroll. Taylor Swift always makes sure that the paps get a clear shot of her fancy purse (which she probably got free), her Beach Blanket Ass Bingo outfit (which again, she probably got for free), her designer heels (again, for free) and her hand in her pieces’ hand. I see that someone has been taking night classes at Phoebe Price’s School Of How To Make The Most Out Of A Pap Strut. My only critique is that Tay Tay really should’ve touched her stomach at one point, because that would’ve given tabloid editors the perfect picture to use for their inevitable “Tay Tay’s Having A Bay Bay” cover.
Pap Stroll Barbie and Opportunist Ken went to eat things at a restaurant in NYC last night. They’ve been dating for a couple of months or so and Calvin Harris is well on his way to getting into the Guinness Book of World Records for being her longest-lasting piece. A source type tells Life & Style that Taylor and Calvin are moving really, really fast and that marriage talk isn’t that far away. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’re already talking weddings, because I bet Taylor serves her man a heart-shaped pancake with the words “I Wuv You” written on top in strawberry maple syrup the morning after their first sleepover. The source also says that Taylor’s friends are concerned or something, because they think that Calvin has some skanky skeletons in his closet and is pretending to be the perfect boyfriend.
“Calvin’s putting on a front now. He used to date a bunch of club girls who were nothing like Taylor. If they ever came forward, it would hurt Taylor’s brand. They are getting very serious, very fast. Taylor has already introduced Calvin to her parents.”
So, Calvin Harris doing some “club girls” is going to hurt Taylor’s brand? Taylor has been on humanized chlamydia strain John Mayer. If her “brand” can survive John Mayer, it can survive ANYTHING.
Here’s Taylor throwing a smug “Yes, bitch, I’m about to get that dick” look at the cameras last night. And yes, by “dick” I mean “spotted dick,” which Taylor and Calvin made before watching a Last of the Summer Wine marathon while snuggling under a handmade Union Jack throw. It was British night at Tay Tay’s place!
Well, I guess George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s circus extravaganza of a wedding was only a preview of what’s to come, because it looks like their entire life is going to be like the end of Sunset Blvd. Cameras! Flashes! Glamour! Flashes!
People says that Amal is going by “Amal Clooney” professionally and now the 2 people on the planet who didn’t see her in a wedding dress next to George Clooney on the cover of every magazine will see her last name and know that she must be married to huge Hollywood star George Clooney. I, for one, hate that Amal changed her name. Because if skinny fat gays ever become in demand in the gay porn world, I was going to change “careers” and go by the porn name Anal Clooney. And now I can’t thanks to Amal’s ass.
The future First Lady to George Clooney’s future President went back to work in Athens, Greece today and when she showed up to her hotel, dozens of photographers and “fans” screamed for her. What? Dozens of photographers and fans don’t line your walkway and scream for you when you come home after a day of work? As Amal sashayed down the stroll to her hotel and smiled at her adoring subjects, you could practically hear her say to herself, “Click! Flash! Wow! Bang! Wink! Smack! Fornarina!”
Amal is in Athens to meet with officials from the Greek government to talk about what their legal options are for trying to get back a collection of classic Greek sculptures called the Parthenon Marbles from the British Museum in London. A British diplomat named Thomas Bruce ALLEGEDLY stole them from the Acropolis more than 200 years ago and Greece wants them back. Are we sure the Marbles snatcher’s full name is Thomas Bruce? Are we sure his full name isn’t Thomas Bruce Lohan? Anyway, who cares about all that legal boring stuff when our new Jackie O is in Greece! I’m sure that if Amal’s firm represents Greece and the case goes to trial, the judge will immediately declare her side the winner before saying, “Okay, now that we got that stuff out of the way, what’s Matt Damon like?”
In case you didn’t already know, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are the anti-Brangelina and they’re not going to get married in a hush, hush at-home wedding featuring a coloring book dress and a busted, ugly wedding cake made by a child. (May a special place in Hell’s special place open up just for me for saying that, but that cake Pax made was a janky mess. Even Maddox knows this.) MuddiLooney is going to give us SPECTACLE! THEATER! DRAMA! FACE! OLD SCHOOL LIFE MAGAZINE GLAMOUR! Thank God George Clooney isn’t following that “secret wedding” trend and is whoring out his wedding to the masses.
The pumpkin patch kick-off isn’t official until the goddess of Dlisted Phoebe Price shows up, but until then we can make due with these pics of Charlie Sheen and his ex Denise Richards serving up some fall goodness. TMZ has an exclusive on their outing, which included the two sons of Brooke Mueller that Denise somehow has custody of
forever until Brooke gets her shit together and Denise’s adopted daughter Eloise.
On the one hand, the idea of it is sweet, but looking through the pics I see lots of “fml” faces from Denise and a couple of boys who can’t decide whether to run to or run from their daddy. I kid, this is probably the most wholesome thing they’ve done with Charlie since making ho-made crack brownies for the ho-meless (aka The Goddesses).
I can’t believe that Denise turned out to be the mom of the century in all this mess, and I hate life for making me respect her. But there she is, with 3 kids that aren’t biologically hers, and they all look happy and healthy. If she’s Catholic, surely she is up for some sort of sainthood in the future. Charlie looks like a Benjamin Buttons frat boy so basically all is normal in the world.
You can go over to TMZ to see all the pics if you’re that bored on a Sunday morning.
Since Anna Wintour made it perfectly clear that she’d rather finger her culo hole with one of those hideous toe finger shoes than put a Kardashian on the cover of Vogue and Pimp Mama Kris officially owns Kanye West’s soul now, North West’s face will make its debut on the finale of her daytime shit fest this Friday.
Kanye is PMK’s final guest and during his visit, he shows the audience a picture of the newest Kardashian kash machine. Or at least, they’re telling us that Kanye is on the show, but something in the whore milk ain’t clean about this. Kanye is actually smiling while in the presence of PMK. Kanye only smiles when Givenchy sends him another black leather clip-on ass lip ring or when he looks at himself in the mirror. That’s either a hologram or that’s Bruce Jenner in a Kanye mask.
TMZ says that a picture of North West flashed on the monitors for only a quick second, because producers didn’t want anybody in the audience to take a picture and leak it onto the Internet before Friday. Kanye and Kim were thinking about debuting North West’s face on Instagram or Tumblr, but ultimately decided to help out PMK, because that desperate pimp whore wrangler will bite off Riccardo Tisci’s dick if they don’t. The test run for PMK’s whore show will end this Friday and then FOX will decide whether or not to pick it up-full time, so she wants to get as my eyes on her show as possible.
A source, who was at the taping on Monday, tells E! that the picture shows North West lying on her stomach while wearing a black onesie. The source went on to say this mess of words that’ll make you laugh, fart and roll your eyes all at the same time:
“[Kanye] said he had decided he wanted to show the picture of North because they didn’t want to make money on the photo and he is fed up of paps following him around.”
The audience almost got covered with wet pieces of pimp meat, because PMK nearly exploded when Kanye said he “didn’t want to make money on the photo.” But then she calmed down when she realized all the attention her dumb show will get for showing North West’s face.
What’s really suspect about this desperate stunt is that the entire West Coast didn’t combust when Pimp Mama Kris’ overinflated ego and Kanye’s overinflated ego were put in a room together. Yeah, that’s totally a Kanye hologram.
And why does the Kanye hologram have a Kardashian-sized anal kondom in its shirt pocket?