Category: Ho Stroll

Amal Alamuddin, I Mean Amal Clooney, Went Back To Work And I Don’t Think Anyone Noticed…….

October 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, I guess George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s circus extravaganza of a wedding was only a preview of what’s to come, because it looks like their entire life is going to be like the end of Sunset Blvd. Cameras! Flashes! Glamour! Flashes!

People says that Amal is going by “Amal Clooney” professionally and now the 2 people on the planet who didn’t see her in a wedding dress next to George Clooney on the cover of every magazine will see her last name and know that she must be married to huge Hollywood star George Clooney. I, for one, hate that Amal changed her name. Because if skinny fat gays ever become in demand in the gay porn world, I was going to change “careers” and go by the porn name Anal Clooney. And now I can’t thanks to Amal’s ass.

The future First Lady to George Clooney’s future President went back to work in Athens, Greece today and when she showed up to her hotel, dozens of photographers and “fans” screamed for her. What? Dozens of photographers and fans don’t line your walkway and scream for you when you come home after a day of work? As Amal sashayed down the stroll to her hotel and smiled at her adoring subjects, you could practically hear her say to herself, “Click! Flash! Wow! Bang! Wink! Smack! Fornarina!

Amal is in Athens to meet with officials from the Greek government to talk about what their legal options are for trying to get back a collection of classic Greek sculptures called the Parthenon Marbles from the British Museum in London. A British diplomat named Thomas Bruce ALLEGEDLY stole them from the Acropolis more than 200 years ago and Greece wants them back. Are we sure the Marbles snatcher’s full name is Thomas Bruce? Are we sure his full name isn’t Thomas Bruce Lohan? Anyway, who cares about all that legal boring stuff when our new Jackie O is in Greece! I’m sure that if Amal’s firm represents Greece and the case goes to trial, the judge will immediately declare her side the winner before saying, “Okay, now that we got that stuff out of the way, what’s Matt Damon like?”

I See That George Clooney’s Wedding Is Going To Be A Low-Key, Intimate Affair…

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you didn’t already know, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are the anti-Brangelina and they’re not going to get married in a hush, hush at-home wedding featuring a coloring book dress and a busted, ugly wedding cake made by a child. (May a special place in Hell’s special place open up just for me for saying that, but that cake Pax made was a janky mess. Even Maddox knows this.) MuddiLooney is going to give us SPECTACLE! THEATER! DRAMA! FACE! OLD SCHOOL LIFE MAGAZINE GLAMOUR! Thank God George Clooney isn’t following that “secret wedding” trend and is whoring out his wedding to the masses.

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Pimpin At The Pumpkin Patch

October 6, 2013 / Posted by:

The pumpkin patch kick-off isn’t official until the goddess of Dlisted Phoebe Price shows up, but until then we can make due with these pics of Charlie Sheen and his ex Denise Richards serving up some fall goodness.  TMZ has an exclusive on their outing, which included the two sons of Brooke Mueller that Denise somehow has custody of forever until Brooke gets her shit together and Denise’s adopted daughter Eloise.

On the one hand, the idea of it is sweet, but looking through the pics I see lots of “fml” faces from Denise and a couple of boys who can’t decide whether to run to or run from their daddy.  I kid, this is probably the most wholesome thing they’ve done with Charlie since making ho-made crack brownies for the ho-meless (aka The Goddesses).

I can’t believe that Denise turned out to be the mom of the century in all this mess, and I hate life for making me respect her.  But there she is, with 3 kids that aren’t biologically hers, and they all look happy and healthy.  If she’s Catholic, surely she is up for some sort of sainthood in the future.  Charlie looks like a Benjamin Buttons frat boy so basically all is normal in the world.

You can go over to TMZ to see all the pics if you’re that bored on a Sunday morning.

 

North West Will Make Her Debut On Pimp Mama Kris’ Stupid Talk Show

August 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Since Anna Wintour made it perfectly clear that she’d rather finger her culo hole with one of those hideous toe finger shoes than put a Kardashian on the cover of Vogue and Pimp Mama Kris officially owns Kanye West’s soul now, North West’s face will make its debut on the finale of her daytime shit fest this Friday.

Kanye is PMK’s final guest and during his visit, he shows the audience a picture of the newest Kardashian kash machine. Or at least, they’re telling us that Kanye is on the show, but something in the whore milk ain’t clean about this. Kanye is actually smiling while in the presence of PMK. Kanye only smiles when Givenchy sends him another black leather clip-on ass lip ring or when he looks at himself in the mirror. That’s either a hologram or that’s Bruce Jenner in a Kanye mask.

TMZ says that a picture of North West flashed on the monitors for only a quick second, because producers didn’t want anybody in the audience to take a picture and leak it onto the Internet before Friday. Kanye and Kim were thinking about debuting North West’s face on Instagram or Tumblr, but ultimately decided to help out PMK, because that desperate pimp whore wrangler will bite off Riccardo Tisci’s dick if they don’t. The test run for PMK’s whore show will end this Friday and then FOX will decide whether or not to pick it up-full time, so she wants to get as my eyes on her show as possible.

A source, who was at the taping on Monday, tells E! that the picture shows North West lying on her stomach while wearing a black onesie. The source went on to say this mess of words that’ll make you laugh, fart and roll your eyes all at the same time:

“[Kanye] said he had decided he wanted to show the picture of North because they didn’t want to make money on the photo and he is fed up of paps following him around.”

The audience almost got covered with wet pieces of pimp meat, because PMK nearly exploded when Kanye said he “didn’t want to make money on the photo.” But then she calmed down when she realized all the attention her dumb show will get for showing North West’s face.

What’s really suspect about this desperate stunt is that the entire West Coast didn’t combust when Pimp Mama Kris’ overinflated ego and Kanye’s overinflated ego were put in a room together. Yeah, that’s totally a Kanye hologram.

And why does the Kanye hologram have a Kardashian-sized anal kondom in its shirt pocket?

“Hey, Don’t Even Think Of Walking In Front Of The Camera! You’re Gonna Mess Up Our Photo-Op!”

May 13, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo’s camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston’s ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney’s and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!

If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he’d look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don’t know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she’s having a Chico’s kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.

And Aniston’s publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!

Crystal Harris Went Through With It This Time

January 1, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn’t introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris‘ trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin’ ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy’s annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.

Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho’s finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.

He must really need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.

These pics are from Crystal’s Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It’s very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.

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