Now that the “On The Run” tour has wrapped up (well, almost – the people of France still get to hiss out a bored “Le sigh” when the Stunt Twins bring their tired TWOO WUV act to town) Beyoncé has started to shift her energy from trying desperately to convince everyone that her marriage to Jay-Z is rock solid on Instagram to waterproofing her weave cellar in preparation for the inevitable tsunami of Bumble Bey tears that will drown North America when she announces there’s trouble in Camel-lot.
First she started looking for a new house, and now Us Weekly claims she’s looking for divorce advice. But instead of going to a marriage counselor or a lawyer, a source says she’s pulling up an imported marble foot stool hand-carved from the head of Michelangelo’s David and taking lessons from the world’s greatest best friend Gwyneth Paltrow in how to announce your divorce in the most obnoxious better-than-your-divorce way possible.
The “Crazy in Love” singer “has sought Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice as she plans her split,” the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey and Jay will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. Blue Ivy’s mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder’s amicable “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin, the first source says.
“The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together,” adds the insider. “The two will be all lovey-dovey.”
But what if Beyoncé wants to continue her education and learn more about being an insufferably snobby twat? Thankfully, The Goop Institute of Elitism offers a variety of post-divorce programs. For $500,000, students may enroll in any of the following classes personally taught by Professor Gwyneth K. Paltrow herself: General Snobbery, Perfection, Advanced Cluelessness, Living As A Struggling Single Mother, Billionaire Hunting, TV/VCR Repair, Bookkeeping, Auto Mechanics, Business Management, AND MORE! To receive a brochure from the prestigious GIoE, call 1-800-SNOB-4-ME, and please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.
Cook book author and expert-level gold digger Jessica Seinfeld (yes the woman who left her husband of four months for Jerry Seinfeld. Get that Kramer cash, bitch!) pretty much told us really all we need to know about Jessica Seinfeld when she posted a picture of her best fwend Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram on Sunday with the following caption (WARNING: Toxic levels of celebrity ass-kissing ahead):
“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”
Sorry, did I say ass-kissing? I meant hardcore salad tossing. Jessica Seinfeld’s tongue was so deep in Gwyneth’s goop-chute, she could practically taste the cold-brewed bluefin tuna tear tea in her stomach. That was some Journey To The Center Of Goop’s Massive Ego shit.
Seriously though, how much did Gwynnie have to pay her to say that? Jessica’s got a tight wallet-humping game, so you know that bitch didn’t come cheap. I bet the breakdown of services went a little something like this:
Gold Package: Alluding to friend, friends, and/or friendship ($1700 for each mention, plus unlimited access to the spa at Castle Goopskull)
Platinum Package: Sounding sincere (2 boxes imported cashmere tampons, 1 endangered white tiger facial)
Whatever Is More Expensive Than Platinum Package: Use of any of the following words – kind, true, loyal, down-to-earth, plus referring to you as “baby girl” ($5000 per word, a wig made of your hair, and Tracy Anderson)
But it doesn’t really matter what she said, because I kept getting distracted by Jessica Seinfeld’s hair! It looked like a gnarly wave just begging me to Photoshop a little surfer hanging ten inside it:
According to Star (via Daily Mail) professional bitchy sorority girl and the Ghost of Blake Lively Future Gwyneth Paltrow is doing Brad Falchuk, the creator of Glee and a dude who sort of looks like Jonathan Cheban with all the slow-looking lizard Photoshopped out of his face. A source claims Gwyneth and Brad spent a weekend back in June together at the $8,000 a night Armangiri resort in Utah, where they had dinner and hung out by the pool. Extra gross note: the source says Gwyneth was topless.
They first met on the set of Glee back in 2010 when she guest starred as “Gwyneth Paltrow Trying To Make Singing Gwyneth Paltrow Happen Again” (aka “Holly Holiday”). Brad’s wife filed for divorce in March of 2013 and Gwyneth announced she was calling it quits with Chris Martin in March of 2014. Insert Church Lady How Conveeeeenient here. NO! I’m sure she wasn’t wrapping her organic free-range pussy around Brad’s trouser mic on the set of Glee. If anything, they probably bonded over their mutual eye roll-inducing contributions to American culture (Goop.com, Lea Michele).
But don’t start monogramming the hand-woven endangered Italian silkworm towels just yet, because I don’t see this lasting very long. An $8,000 a night resort in Utah? EW BRAD, HOW DARE YOU?!?! You might as well have just pulled up to a dilapidated Motel 6 off the interstate and told her to grab some snacks from the vending machine while you negotiate for a room that doesn’t smell like Beefaroni and used condoms. Actually, that’s probably the first thing she said when they pulled up to Armangiri. “Yuck, why does it smell like poors here? Is that water in the pool? I only swim in imported cultured pearl dew from the moons of Venus. I hate you, take me home.”
I’m sorry for those of you who read the words “Gwyneth Paltrow aggressive facial” and your mind immediately went to a shameful dark disgusting stomach-turning place. It’s my fault; I’ll grab you some brain bleach and the number for Lacuna Inc.
When her majesty Gwyneth Paltrow wants to tighten up her snobby pores and smooth out the stuck-up wrinkles on her insufferably smug face, she doesn’t pull out a tube of cold-pressed organic dolphin tears or a single-use jar of crème de la white tiger placenta. Why? Because she’s not a bougie bitch, that’s why! Ew, can you even imagine Princess Goopy slathering her precious visage in something as budget as white tiger placenta? No, when Gwyneth Paltrow tells Hello! (via E!) that when she wants to wake up looking smooth and refreshed, she hops into her LX-5 Gleep-Glorp (it’s a very exclusive luxury sedan from Jupiter that you definitely can’t afford, so don’t bother) and zips over to a super-secret snobby rich white lady clinic to get slapped in the face with a laser:
The actress loves the effective but not-so-pleasant Thermage laser treatment. “It’s non-invasive but it’s quite painful, like having your face smacked with a rubber band that has an electric shock in it. But it works.”
The Thermage treatment is also commonly known as the “face-ironing treatment.” The treatment boosts collagen levels in the skin’s lower layers, creating a tightening effect to the top layer.
But even if you’re up for the pain, Thermage laser treatments will cost you. A half-face treatment costs around $3,900, while a full-face treatment comes with the hefty price tag of $5,240.
I bet it doesn’t even hurt that bad normally, but they turn up the laser full-strength when Goopy comes in just so they can experience the satisfying feeling that comes from getting to slap the smug off her face. They’re probably not even using a laser; they’re just covering her eyes and snapping actual elastic bands on her face for 10 minutes while the receptionist runs her credit card through the machine for $5,240. And just like that, I think I’ve found a way for Michael K and I to make a shitload of money off of dumb vain hos and retire at 35 (cut to us one year later at 36 spending our last $20 on a plate of Bacon Ranch Quesadillas at Chili’s and searching the ETC section of Craigslist).
And I’m surprised that Gwyneth didn’t elaborate on her painful experience with facial ironing by comparing it to her face bravely fighting in a war zone.
Max Factor sees Goopy Paltrow as Brigitte Bardot. I see Jennifer Lawrence as Taylor Momsen in an ad for Monistat.
For their 100 Years of Glamour campaign, Max Factor took the most unglamorous piece of freeze dried organic jicama and did her up as icons throughout the decades. For the 80s, they did her up as her former partner in macrobiotics turned frenemy Madge and bitch looks less like Madge and more like my first grade friend Armando who wanted to be Cyndi Lauper for Halloween, but his mom got confused and bought him stuff for a Madonna costume instead. (Yeah, he dressed up as Madonna for Halloween in the first grade. He was the original Princess Boy and a drag vanguard.) For the 70s, they did her up as Farrah Fawcett, because they wanted to prove that even when you give her hair wings and cover her in gold sparkles, she’s still about as exciting as a soft 2 inch dick floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of tap water. For the 50s, they did her up as Audrey Hepburn, because Audrey hasn’t been tortured enough and it’s never going to stop until every government declares her image a historical site so everyone can stop fucking with it. And for the 60s, they did her up as Brigitte Bardot and I don’t see a drop of Brigitte Bardot. I just see Goopy meditating in her $5,000 cashmere and bunny pubes sweater after spending 8 hours getting several dolphin amniotic fluid enemas in a sauna. That isn’t make-up on her eyelids. That’s black swan poo and clay. It sucks out the toxins your eyes ingest when you look at a McDonald’s for too long.
I can deal with Goopy being a pretentious organic cunt waffle who spits at peasants, but I cannot deal with her committing the greatest sin of all: lazy drag.
via The Daily Mail
File this under “Insufferable bitches finding new ways to be even more insufferable”. A week ago (which means she’s already come up with 18 new ideas for being better than you, so stay tuned) Gwyneth Paltrow revealed just how clueless and smug she can be by posting a piece written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi to GOOP about the effect negative thoughts and words have on water. Yes, I said negative thoughts, yes, I said water, and no, I CAN’T.
Gwyneth claims she’s “fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter” and loves the book The Hidden Messages in Water by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto. So she challenged her BFTYF (better friend than your friend) Dr. Sadeghi to write something more smug and self-congratulatory than their piece on conscious uncoupling for GOOP about happy content water (“I’d do it myself, but I’m waiting for a hand-polished agate keyboard to be made so that my fingers don’t have to touch something as bourgeois as plastic.”)
The entire piece is basically a clueless rich person’s book report, so I’ll save you the time and the inevitable migraine from rolling your eyes too hard by giving you the highlights of why Gwyneth’s water is better than your water. GOOP says Emoto poured water into vials and labeled them with negative phrases like “I hate you” and “fear”. After 24 hours, he looked at it under a microscope and it yielded “gray, misshapen clumps.” But when he labeled the vials with positive phrases like “I love you” and “peace”, the water produced “gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.” And god forbid Gwyneth would put anything to her precious lips that wasn’t gleaming and/or perfect.
So essentially, she’s saying thinking bad shit about yourself makes you a gross gray turd, but reassuring yourself you’re perfect will make you a shimmering flawless diamond. Well, duh, that’s not science; that’s just called being a conceited narcissist.
Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow
Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.
Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!
“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”
Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.
“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”
Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):
“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”
Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”
She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.
St. Angie Jolie is Goddess of Children, Goddess of Wearing Black, Goddess of Wearing Skin-Colored Condom Shoes and Goddess of Forehead Veins, and now you can add Goddess Of Working Mother to her goddess resume. St. Angie Jolie understands the plight of the single working mother and she’ll never ever bitch and moan
out loud about how hard she’s got it, because she knows she doesn’t have it hard at all.
During an interview to promote the documentary about her life called Maleficent, the NYDN asked St. Angie what she thinks about comments made by the First Lady of NYC Chirlane McCray. Chirlane McCray told New York Magazine that she feels guilty about juggling her career and her daughter. St. Angie Jolie says that she doesn’t have “mommy guilt,” because she knows she’s privileged than most and her children can travel with her. Put on your knee pads (please, I know you whores always have your knee pads on) and worship at the feet of the saint of all saints:
“I’m not a single mom with two jobs trying to get by every day. I have much more support than most people, most women in this world. And I have the financial means to have a home and health care and food. My kids, they’re here upstairs.
When I feel I’m doing too much, I do less, if I can. And that’s why I’m in a rare position where I don’t have to do job after job. I can take time when my family needs it. I can say I can only get into the (editing) room after the kids are in school, and I have to be back for dinner, and they’re coming for lunch.”
St. Angie’s comments were in response to Chirlane McCray’s comments, but I’d still like to think that after she said this next part, she went on to say, “And you know who I’m talking about,” while holding her nose up in the snobby bitch position:
“I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain. Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.”
Yes, St. Angie, snatch up Goopy’s wig the same way you snatched up Aniston’s husband. Finish her!
But really, I doubt Brad Pitt’s ex could give a shit about this and she has a lot of shit to give since she’s full of it. Goopy’s secretary probably printed this interview out in ladybird spider semen ink on fennel-scented Torrey Pine paper and handed it to Goopy who looked it over and said, “Eh, this salope feeds her kids McDonald’s. She’s subhuman.“
Goopy Paltrow Wants The Mommy Wars To Stop And I Want Her To Stop Using Gross Phrases Like “Mommy Wars”
“Awww, isn’t it cute how all you provincial, J. Jill-wearing, Hyundai Sonata-driving, cubicle-inhabiting working moms are projecting your simple, little insecurities onto moi?”
Back in March, living enema full of pretentiousness Goopy Paltrow caused a working mom shit storm when she said in an interview with E! News that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night and when she’s making a movie she has to Skype her children from her $3 million trailer while getting acupuncture on her anus to relieve the tension of her rectum clutching onto that stick. (Side note: Strangely enough, when she Skypes her children, the French nanny that was bred 22 years ago to specifically be her kids’ future nanny answers and says that Apple and Moses are currently unavailable because the in-house massage therapist is massaging their temples with organic ylang-ylang oil while the other nanny reads them Shakespearean sonnets in four different langauges. Lies. They’re really eating candy soup while watching Nickelodeon.) Goopy actually said that she “has it harder.” But now she’s saying that her words were taken out of context and she didn’t mean that 9-to-5 working moms have it easier than her. A bunch of moms who are not as perfect as her had to twist her words to make themselves feel better. CAUTION: She uses the word “opine.” Get your screen-punching fist ready.
A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule. This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon? Why do we feel so entitled to opine, often so negatively, on the choices of other women? Perhaps because there is so much pressure to do it all, and do it all well all at the same time (impossible). Below is a somewhat radical piece by Brigid Schulte, which has provoked many a discussion here in our HQ, and even a tear or two.
The piece by Brigid Schulte is titled, “IDEAL MOTHERS, IDEAL WORKERS AND THE MYTH OF BUSYNESS.” Enough said.
For a few sentences there, I thought a dark cloud would appear in the sky and suck us all in, because Goopy making sense and sounding somewhat reasonable is the final sign of the rapture. But then she had to go and show us that she’s still a big unremarkable anus by adding that little “perhaps projected” comment. Goopy never says ANYTHING wrong and if you took it that way it’s just your imperfect self being jealous of how perfect she is. But you know, if Goopy shat up a note that wasn’t dripping in lukewarm pretentiousness, none of us would have triceps the size of her ego, because we wouldn’t be repeatedly punching our screens. What I’m saying is that Goopy totally has a deal with the computer screen companies.
Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!
“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”
“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”
That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.
And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?