Gwyneth Paltrow recently discovered yoni eggs, which are egg-shaped stones you shove up your snatch to allegedly help you keep things tight and tingly. Yesterday we learned that Gwyneth was selling a $66 jade egg on her website specifically to put up your vagina. Goop claimed that the jade egg would work in a number of magical ways, which included increases in chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy. She also did a Q&A with the maker of the eggs, Shiva Rose. GOOP’s jade egg has already sold out.
A gynecologist named Dr. Jen Gunter has chimed in with her thoughts. Dr. Jen wrote an open letter to Gwyneth, and surprisingly it wasn’t to congratulate Gwyneth on successfully finding a new way to waste people’s money.
Joss Whedon totally fucked up. Now Goopy Paltrow really won’t send him a holiday gift basket including a Baccarat crystal vessel filled with air from Jesus’ actual birth place, a gift certificate for a peppermint-scented vagina steaming session, a $120 tube of toothpaste and $600 night cream made from the sperm of a virgin snow white reindeer (it gets rid of the wrinkles that grow on your face from you having to clean and cook yourself on December 26th since you were gracious enough to send your servants home for Boxing Day). Big mistake, Joss!
As Pajiba points out, Goopy Paltrow was not in the second Avengers movie. And at a press conference to promote the first Avengers movie, Joss Whedon told reporters that Robert Downey Jr. had to convince him to put Goopy in it. Joss also pushed hard for Hillary Clinton during the elections, and after Donald Trump won, Goopy mouth farted about how it’s such an exciting time to be an American. That bring us to two days ago when Joss tweeted a picture of Goopy’s latest cookbook It’s All Easy (long title: It’s All Easy When You Have Millions Of Dollars, A Staff Of Twelve, Mario Batali’s Private Number And A Totally Organic Garden Tended To By A Family Of Fourth-Generation Amish Farmers Who Live Out Back). Joss doesn’t know where to start with this book.
S T A R T pic.twitter.com/pjQoxBfEOG
— Joss Whedon (@joss) December 19, 2016
Grown gazillionaires are just like us! They try to start fights on Twitter when they’re bored.
Because I’d love a last-minute entry into the Most Random Celebrity Feud Of The Year contest, I hope that Goopy responds by telling Joss that to think, she was going to send him a locally-sourced organic corn husk man wig to cover up his bald spot. I mean, a locally-sourced organic corn husk wig is what’s on her head in that picture, right?
Pictured: Goopy Paltrow doing an impersonation of her vagina after it gets steamed for too long.
While many, many Americans are scared as fuck and seriously thinking about grabbing several economy-sized bottles of vodka from Costco and going off to the mountains to hibernate in a cave for the next four years, Goopy Paltrow’s rich lady eyeballs are sparkling from the excitement of it all. Our Lady Of $950 Baby Wipes took part in a Q&A at the Airbnb Open in Los Angeles on Saturday, and since every conversation nowadays leads to talking about the election, her conversation lead to talking about the election.
We are all that disgusted memaw and pepaw, because how would we be able to continue to shop at a grocery store where Goopy Paltrow’s freshly colonic’d ass probably leaked goop all over the checkout conveyor belt? But then again, I doubt Goopy would dare put her 22-year-old stripper ass on a conveyor belt covered with preservatives-filled peasant germs! So either Goopy was Photoshopped into that Greenpoint grocery store, or that counter was brand new and was ripped out after the shoot because she didn’t want her regal essence anywhere near that dreadful emporium of inedible commoner foods!
During an interview with Samantha Bee for Harper’s Bazaar, Goopy said that the Goopy Paltrow of today is much less of an asshole than the Goopy Paltrow of 17 years ago. Yes, Goopy used to be worse, but Bruce Paltrow saved us all.
Living room-temperature bottle of Evian Gwyneth Paltrow recently wrote an essay about being a successful business person for LinkedIn. Gwyneth Paltrow started out as “actress Gwyneth Paltrow“, then in 2008 turned into “actress with an online vanity project Gwyneth Paltrow.” But it sounds like she wants to be known as just “rich lady who runs goop.com” now.
Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.
While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:
I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.
I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].
You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:
Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.