Living room-temperature bottle of Evian Gwyneth Paltrow recently wrote an essay about being a successful business person for LinkedIn. Gwyneth Paltrow started out as “actress Gwyneth Paltrow“, then in 2008 turned into “actress with an online vanity project Gwyneth Paltrow.” But it sounds like she wants to be known as just “rich lady who runs goop.com” now.
Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.
While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:
I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.
I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].
You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:
Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.
It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.
According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.
I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.”
Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.
“Okay, but on the upside, I was voted ‘most’, which is sort of like saying ‘best’, right? You go girl, still the best! Looks like someone is treating themselves to a hand-squeezed imported Kabosu mimosa. I deserve it.”
April 2013 was a real roller coaster for Gwyneth Paltrow’s precious gluten-free ego. While one magazine pressed their lips firmly against her freshly-steamed butt hole and proclaimed her to be the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, another one was crowning her to be the Most Hated Celebrity. I guess Star magazine needed a break from staring at the best and worst beach bodies, because in April of 2013, they released a totally arbitrary list of the 20 Most Hated Celebrities. And coming in at the number one spot was everybody’s favorite actor-turned-professional lifestyle snob Gwyneth Paltrow.
Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!
Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.
“So help me god if the cheap ChapStick on his mouth gives me a $0.99 rash on my organic cheek” is what I imagine Goopy is thinking through that tight smile.
In case you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Free Pass“, it’s an invisible pretend coupon that one person presents to the person they’re with that grants them permission to do stuff with whomever they want. Sometimes it’s someone famous, like Jon Hamm or ScarJo or Jessie Spano’s hot step-brother Eric. Sometimes it’s a person you know, like the sexy cashier who gives you a wink when you buy butt cream at CVS. For Robert Downey Jr., the name written on his Free Pass is “Gwyneth Paltrow.”
RDJ was on The Howard Stern Show yesterday (via UsWeekly) to pimp out his latest reason for receiving a giant paycheck. After hinting that Gwyneth’s Iron Man character will probably make an appearance in another Marvel movie, the conversation turned to how his wife, Susan Downey, is totally fine with her husband making out with Gwyneth on-screen.
“I’m very happily married … but I guess I could dream a bit. My ‘free pass’ is, because her and Susan are such good friends, is Paltrow. I gotta get her back in these movies, so I can make out with her on screen again.”
However, that doesn’t mean that Robert Downey Jr. has permission to hump on Gwyneth in his Iron Man trailer during lunch. RDJ says his wife doesn’t care what happens while the cameras are rolling, but that’s about as far as his Free Pass goes.
That’s pretty loose definition of a Free Pass. No fucking? Free Passes must work differently in Hollywood. Maybe it’s because so many on-screen make-outs have turned into a call to the housekeeper asking them to pack up their stuff and send it in a cab to their co-star’s house. That’s probably what Susan meant with that Free Pass. “Okay, you can kiss on Gwyneth as much as you want. But I swear to god, if you come home one day smelling like mugworth steam…”