I can’t decide if John Stamos’ belly button looks like a mushroom-headed dick poking out of his stomach or a skin-colored clown nose or the button nose of a bearded old man with no eyes? Well, whatever it looks like, I’d still lube it up with Dannon Oikos yogurt and hit it.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, he presented the 8th edition of the segment where famous types read mean tweets written by either Jimmy Kimmel’s writing team or actual Twatterers. This one gave us Lela Durham (copyright: Valerie Cherish) and her dog tits, John Stamos’ bubble belly button, Lisa Kudrow (who gets an A+++ in reacting), crack head Jon Hamm, raper-faced Scott Foley, Bob Newhart, Ted Danson and his majestic silver cliff of hair and Brit Brit who wore a turkey oven bag and looked like she laughed to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and Frapps. Most of these are good, but out of the billions of mean tweets about Goopy Paltrow, that’s the one they chose?!
Big Bird should’ve read that first one, because nothing is meaner than being compared to Goopy.
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.
Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.
A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:
“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”
The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!
Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!
Cut to a $748 antique glass syringe filled with organic botulinum toxin sitting on an imported Italian marble counter in the guest house bathroom at Castle Goopskull throwing 50 CC’s of side-eye in Goopy’s general direction.
Snobby unsalted soda cracker Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to Stylist (via Daily Mail) about her beauty routine (“FINALLY!!!” – screamed every woman desperate to know the secret to looking like a greasy dehydrated parsnip chip), and naturally the conversation turned to getting older and wrinklier and shit. While some of her peers are pawning their Oscars for the down-payment on a high-end commercial wrinkle steamer, Gwyneth says she doesn’t notice that stuff. DUH! Goopy would NEVER bother with something as pedestrian as aging!
“I know it’s a cliché, but I really do subscribe to the ‘age gracefully’ thing. I’d rather die than be studying my face. I just brush my teeth and try to get dressed and get everyone up. I don’t tend to wear much make-up either. I like my wrinkles and you know, I like what I see.”
Meanwhile, her wrinkled-up butt hole is screaming in excruciating pain from having to pass so much partially-digested lemongrass and raw chia seed brittle. Pray 4 butt hole.
But I don’t know if I’m entirely convinced that Gwyneth is all about aging gracefully. The Goopy I know would harvest the eyelashes from the last remaining flat-footed cashmere desert fox or drinking virgin alien blood if it meant looking 3 minutes younger. I guess the only way to tell will be to wait 30 years and see what Goopy’s face looks like at 70. Although I’m sure Adobe will have invented a real-life Photoshop program for human skin called “Aging Gracefully” by then. That clever corn broom – always finding a loop-hole!
Goopy Paltrow was the host of last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala aka the LOOK AT MY TITS EVENT (or in Goopy’s case, LOOK AT MY CHEST BONES EVENT), which means that guests gobbled up a delicious and filling spread of dehydrated organic dragon fruit seeds, laxative-tinis and Jennifer Lawrence’s double filtered tears. Dozens of guests are currently being treated at Cedars-Sinai for the coma they fell into after overdosing on lethal loads of meh and smugness and that could mean only two things: Chris Martin performed and Goopy introduced him!
While looking like an un-breaded, greasy fishstick in costume as a Robert Palmer girl, Goopy introduced the master of doctor waiting room music with this dose of eye roll fuel:
“This brilliant singer-songwriter has sold 8 million records, has won every single award that there is to be won, especially Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004. I am speaking of Chris Martin and the incredibly talented Jonny Buckland, who together make up one-half of the legendary band Coldplay.”
Yeah, I’m sure he wasn’t a ten-time Father of the Year a couple of weeks ago when he was threatening to expose their children to something worse then all the diseases in the world, CARBS, by constantly hanging around human carb monster Jennifer Lawrence. I haven’t seen video of Goopy’s intro, but I’m sure she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Haha, Jennifer Lawrence, the air kisses that blow out of Chris Martin’s anus hole belong to me again!”
I’m sure these two will be consciously coupled again by New Year’s. Or until Goopy completely disinfects Chris Martin’s peen of all the canned cheese he used as lube when boning JLaw.
If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!
But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!
In case you’ve forgotten that Gwyneth Paltrow does everything better and more uniquely special than the average human person (cut to Gwyneth at this very moment in a lab getting her DNA triple-filtered through a $40,000 organic DNA cleansing system in an attempt to human better than the rest of us humans), it looks like now she’s found a way to put an insufferable spin on dating too. We all know that the Snobby Corn Broom has been rubbing her dehydrated down-lows on Glee and American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk for a while now, but according to Page Six, it’s recently gone from casual to still casual but also sort-of serious but like, I’m not your girlfriend, so chill out, but you better not be passing that peen.
Gwyneth Paltrow and American Horror Story producer Brad Falchuk are openly a couple when they circulate among Hollywood VIPs, insiders say.
They are “openly dating, but behind closed doors,” said an insider, who added that entertainment pros know them as a couple. “They go to private Hollywood parties together.”
Okay, so let’s try to make sense of that. They are a couple, but only at fancy private Hollywood parties. So…they are a couple? I’m so confused! Maybe Gwyneth could explain her couple-but-only-at-private-parties philosophy on GOOP? Oh, what do you know? I have an advanced copy of said GOOP post (that I totally didn’t just make up) right here!
Mindful Private Togetherness
I suppose one of your personal assistants has informed you that I’m currently seeing someone. Aren’t you so happy? Yay for me! First things first, we don’t use the term ‘dating’ – that’s for poors and regulars! What I’m doing with Bradley is called mindful private togetherness. It’s an approach that limits the exposure of your relationyacht (I don’t do relationships – ships are too pedestrian) in order to maintain its exclusivity. Just like a $900 bottle of imported fermented endangered white lion tears, only the finest of peoples may experience GOOPCHUK.
Although I’m sure if you really want to know what it looks like when Gwyneth and Brad get their couple on, you could always rub a corn broom against a constipated-looking guinea pig who sort of resembles Zach Braff, and you’d get the general idea.
Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!
Last week, when Goopy Paltrow was surgically attaching her tongue to President Obama’s b-hole lips while creaming over him at the Democratic National Committee Fundraiser she threw at her house in Brentwood, Martha Stewart was probably in the kitchen pissing into the Dom Perignon, kumquat and lemongrass punch. Next to cuddling with the Terry Richardson needlepoint pillow she made herself, screwing with Goopy Paltrow has become Martha’s new favorite “good thing.”
The Grande Dame of the Cell Block started throwing side-eyes at Goopy Paltrow last year when she said that she’s the one who started the whole lifestyle thing and she thinks it’s “fine” that Goopy wants to get into the lifestyle game. Martha basically patted little Goopy on the head while saying under her breath, “Good luck, amateur bitch.” But the condescending pats on the head turned into a straight up shank to the face when she recently said that Goopy needs to shut her thin spaghetti lips and stop trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Goopy said she was “psyched” that Martha sees her as competition.
Well, the anti-GOOP hits keep coming and Martha came for Goopy again by making fun of the Eye Roll Hall of Fame-winning “conscious uncoupling” statement she shat up after the last broken pieces of her marriage were sucked up into the colonic machine.
HuffPo points out that in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha kicked at Goopy’s culito with this:
If you can’t read that third degree burn to the right ass cheek, here’s what it says:
Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the pie looks like a big plop of POOP on top of a piece of burnt, shredded cardboard. The POOP represents what Martha thinks of GOOP and the piece of burnt, shredded cardboard represents Goopy’s personality.
Some might think that Martha is being petty and immature, because she is Martha Stewart and Goopy is a lesser who should be as significant to her a soggy saltine. To which I say, shush the fuck up. Who cares if this is petty and immature. It’s highly entertaining. Appreciate the shade, don’t question the shade. Come sit with us in the peasant section and scream “SCALP THAT TRICK!” while watching two rich, pretentious blondies go at it.
Prison really did Martha good.
Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!
Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN
“Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”
Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!
Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:
- “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.”
- “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”
- “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”
Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.