Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
GOOP is at it again. Dr. Goopy Paltrow recently got a whole lot of shit thrown at her when she claimed on Instagram that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out. Some medical experts said that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out the insufferableness that fills your system when you read Goop, it’ll probably make your flu worse. Goopy got even more shit thrown at her again when Goop queefed out a cloud of cold steam in the form of a post about how wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.
Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.
“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.
I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”
Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.
Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.
Usually steam rises up into Goopy Paltrow’s parts. But after she finds out about Robert Downey Jr.’s pay raise, organic, filtered steam is going to shoot out of her ears, b-hole, mouth and everywhere else. Goopy is going to rage. Goopy recently spoke about the wage gap in Hollywood and she said this about how RDJ’s salary:
“Look, nobody is worth the money that Robert Downey Jr. is worth. But if I told you the disparity, you would probably be surprised.”
That wage gap is about to get a whole lot wider.
Forbes reported that last year, RDJ brought in $80 million and most of that money came from the back-end (wink wink) of Avengers: Age of Ultron. RDJ also reportedly got $40 million to play Iron Man again in Captain America: Civil War. Well, RDJ’s going to need a much bigger checking account if Bleeding Cool is right.
Bleeding Cool says that the next two Avenger movies, Infinity War Part One and Two, will have a combined budget of $1 billion. $400 million of that $1 billion will be used to pay the main cast, director, producers and screenwriters. And of that $400 million, half of it will go into RDJ’s cleavage, meaning he’s going to make $200 million for both movies.
Each of those Avengers movies will most likely make more than $1 billion each worldwide, but still. I agree with Goopy and I can’t believe I typed that.
Since I have a gutter brain that’s always thinking about man ass, my first thought was that he’s getting paid $200 million and he doesn’t even get naked in that shit. You know how in Working Girl when Joan Cusack is going through Sigourney Weaver’s closet and she picks up a dress and says, “Six thousand dollars?! It’s not even leather!” I used the same tone she used to say, “Two hundred million dollars?! He doesn’t even get naked!”
But get money, RDJ. And congrats to his managers and agents who probably came their genitals off after they made that deal. The good news is that they’re so rich that they can buy new genitals.
And here’s Goopy Paltrow at LAX covering her face with a fancy purse that RDJ could buy with one of his solid gold boogers.
What would we do without the high priestess of everything teaching us her ways? All you ladies would be running around with wrinkly pussy lips and we’d all be embarrassing ourselves by yawning like piece of trash lvasants. Goopy Paltrow has returned to show us how to piss in the shower the right way. If you’ve been emptying your bladder in the toilet or pissing in the shower while standing, you’ve been doing it wrong and you should be ashamed of your not-knowing ass.
Because I sometimes care about my brain, I’ve never pictured how Goopy pisses. But if I had to guess, I’d say that she whizzed out an organic stream of piss into a marble basin and that organic piss is later distilled, mixed with cardamon seeds, bottled and sold for $675 as cleansing elixir on GOOP.com. But according to Goopy, she pisses in the shower. But of course, there’s a GOOP-approved way to do it.
In the new edition of GOOP, the Internet journal of insufferableness that is the reason why we all have the ability to roll our eyes, she gets into the “secrets of the pelvic floor.” Yes, Goopy’s pelvic floor is better than your pelvic floor and not just because it’s covered in imported Spanish limestone instead of builder-grade linoleum like yours. It’s better because she works it out all the time. Goopy says that you need to work out your pelvic floor and you can do so with coochie clenches (aka kegels) and by fucking. But another way you can work it out is by squat pissing in the shower. Let Goopy show you how to do golden showers the right way!
Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.
I can already see a bunch of messes falling over and cracking their hip bones while trying to pee in the shower GOOP-style. Goopy has an unfair advantage, because she can easily just pull the stick out of her ass until it hits the tile and sit on that as she pisses. And I bet that after Goopy finishes in the shower, she gets her live-in contractor to tear all the tile out and re-tile, because pissing in the shower is only okay if it’s brand new. Otherwise it’s unhygienic and tacky!
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
You may have thought that there’s only one to step to yawning: Step 1. Watch Mortdecai. But if you’ve been doing that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.
Goopy Paltrow used to be an uneducated yawner like all of us until she met a high priest of yawning who enlightened her in the spiritual art of yawning. The rich used to think that yawning was only something the weak, rude, uncouth peasants did, but it’s a new day. While proving that she has a gift for making absolutely anything sound pretentious as hell, Goopy writes in a piece on GOOP (via The Guardian) about how she learned how to perfect the yawn from Michael Lear, “a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation.”
Goopy and Yogi Michael were having dinner one night when he noticed that she was trying to hold in a yawn. Yogi Michael let Goopy know to let it all out, because yawning is a necessity of life and it isn’t rude or a sign of boredom. It’a stress reliever. Goopy says that after her first yawn, Michael yawned and they had a back-and-forth yawn fest for a good 60 seconds. The other people in the restaurant probably looked at them, shrugged and thought, “Oh, that’s just a natural reaction to Goopy.”
Despite recent whispers that she was done rubbing her parched parts on her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, People says Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk were spotted driving from an airport to a hotel in Rome together on Thursday. Unless Brad is making a little extra cash as Goopy’s personal assistant, that probably means they’re together.
A source, who sounds like they’re gunning for a copywriting job at GOOP.com, tells People that Gwyneth and Brad were “serene and pleased in each other’s company, happy.” The reason Gwyneth was in Rome was to sit in the front row of a Valentino couture show yesterday. In the event you want to see what it looks like when Goopy is about to scream at the GPS for not addressing her as “Ms. Paltrow“, People has a couple pictures of Goopchuck driving around Rome. In a (shudder) rental car. I’m sure the first thing Goopy hissed when Brad pulled around with their rental car was “Excuse me? What in the fuck is that piece of shit. We’re in Rome. Where’s my 70 BC golden chariot? You think Julius Caesar would been seen in a LeBaron? Christ, Brad, get it together. I’M GWYNETH PALTROW!”
First Jennifer Lawrence goes back to Chris Martin, then Brad Falchuk returns to Goopy? Does Neil deGrasse Tyson know anything about the possible gravitational pull of crotches? Because I’m starting to think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have some kind of smug gravitational pull that prevents their partners from leaving their orbit.
And here’s Gwyneth looking like the sugar-free vanilla creme in the middle of Giancarlo Giammetti and Valentino’s sexy orange sandwich cookie.
Grab a bottle of imported sparkling swan tears and pour one out for Gwyneth Paltrow’s current relationship, because it’s probably dead. According to Life & Style (via The Daily Mail), Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to uncouple from her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk. A friend of the come-to-life corn broom says that she wants to end whatever she had with Brad because all they did was fight.
“Gwyneth is breaking up with him. Things got very serious very fast, but lately all they did was fight all the time and she’s tired of it. Gwyn likes things a certain way and Brad didn’t cater to her, so they ended up bickering over the smallest things. She can be very fussy when it comes to food and Brad isn’t. Sometimes he just wanted to go out for a burger, which drove her crazy.”
I guess this means Brad won’t be joining The Goop Troop on their upcoming Hawaiian family vacation. “That lucky bastard” said Jennifer Lawrence.
So far neither Gwyneth nor Brad have said anything about their relationship, but I’m sure we’ll hear about their break up once Gwyneth decides to write about it for Goop.com. “Listen up, peasants. You may have heard that I had to dump my boyfriend after he tried to feed me a burger. I literally can’t even with that shit. A BURGER! I’m sorry, but was the invitation-only organic butcher shoppe out of hand-carved Wagyu beef spleen? And the burger was on a bun. Not an aged plank of Brazilian Rosewood or wrapped in a page from the Gutenberg Bible. Like, obvious I had to dump his ass. In the words of TLC, I don’t want no scrub.“