Lily Allen’s new memoir, My Thoughts Exactly, goes on sale next week and it’s got the celebrity substance abuse sadness stories that are really the only reason to write a memoir. No one cares what elementary school you went to, but they do want to read about the time you were giving Orlando Bloom a lap dance at Kate Hudson’s 2014 Halloween party in L.A. and knocked yourself out cold after accidentally head-butting him. Yep, Lily did that. The Sun got a hold of an advance copy of Lily’s book and wrote about the time that she was in such bad shape that the consciously uncoupled Paltrow-Martins had to take her under their assuredly rare and overpriced wing.
“Oh, great question! You know, dealing with your haters is hard. It’s so hard when they punish you for making wildly unsubstantiated claims and bogus promises for your woo-woo wellness products. Maybe there’s an organic coconut oil-based anti-haters capsule, who knows? Stay tuned to Goop.com to find out!”
According to SFGate, Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop has agreed to fork over a $145,000 to settle a false advertising lawsuit. This all stems from Goop pushing the jade vagina egg.
Last week during an appearance on Heidi and Spencer Pratt’s podcast, Amber Rose dropped a two year belated bombshell, claiming she thinks Gwyneth Paltrow is “Becky with the good hair” from Beyoncé’s Lemonade. I would have thought that every moment since Amber dropped Gwyneth’s name has been pure bliss, because just think of all that delicious attention it’s brought her! I clearly don’t know Amber Rose as well as I thought, because she recently admitted that she feels bad now.
It’s been over two years since the internet and the Beyhive opened up the case into figuring out the identity of the “Becky with the Good Hair” who took a ride on Jay-Z’s untrue dick while he was with Beyonce. The case has pretty much remained unsolved, but many think that Becky’s real name is Rachel Roy while others (read: Rita Ora and Rita Ora only) think it’s Rita Ora. Amber Rose picked up the cold case, dusted it off and after looking into it, she believes she really knows who Becky is. Detective Amber thinks that Jay-Z was knocking yoni eggs out of Goopy Paltrow’s steam tunnel of a cooze. The LAPD better put Detective Amber on an unpaid leave after I file a harassment claim against her for giving me the image of Goopy gooping all over Jay-Z’s dick. I’ve been attacked.
Ever since Gwyneth Paltrow launched ground zero for eye rolling, Goop.com, in 2008, it feels like the description of every new product they promote was written using a book called Pseudo-Science Mad Libs. Just throw in some random quackery and unfalsifiable claims. Like claiming that shoving a $66 egg-shaped piece of crystal up your vagina can “balance your hormones,” or that magical $60 stickers can “boost cell turnover.”
It was almost as though Goop was just publishing whatever snake oil nonsense they wanted without double-checking that it wasn’t a pile of expensive lies! Well, those days are done. Gwyneth recently revealed in a profile by The New York Times that Goop has decided to hire a lawyer and a fact-checker to start verifying their outrageous claims.
Have you ever been drunk at a party when someone whips out the old “What would you do if you could go back in time” game? For me, I think I might like to go back to the mid-90s and secretly watch hot-era Brad Pitt go all Dirty Harry on Harvey Weinstein.