Do you ever get the feeling that asshole expert (takes one to know one) Gwyneth Paltrow is just super-bored and actually just engaged in a trolling long game? Maybe all of her foolishness is an effort to combat the ennui that stems from being a rich white lady with very little adversity in her life? No, she’s not bright enough for that and is probably really this annoying. It was bad enough that she’s fancied herself “Gwyneth Paltrow, Cooch Counselor” for the past couple of years.
You laugh, but let’s face it: I can’t think of a better person to discuss the ins and outs of anal than someone who appears to permanently have a stick up their ass. Goop’s second annual Sex Issue was released today. Gwyneth Paltrow must have been listening when everyone read last year’s issue and muttered “I’ll tell you where you can stick that $15,000 dildo“, because this year she’s talking anal, the hetero kind.
Goop interviewed a psychoanalyst named Paul Joannides for a piece called Reality Check: Anal Sex, the purpose of which is to educate about anal. Here are just a few of Goop’s tips:
– Practice teaching your sphincter muscles to relax
– Use lots of lube
– Don’t have anal while drunk or stoned
– If the dick hurts, use a lubed-up finger
Good luck with Step #1, Gwyneth. The second Tracy Anderson hears that one of your muscle groups have gone soft, she’s going to throw a fit.
Goop also asks Paul about enemas and what people should be teaching their kids about anal. He says there are more-important conversations to have, like talking about masturbation and exploring while learning. As for the enema thing, Paul is on the fence and says it’s an either/or situation. Tsk tsk tsk Paul, that is NOT the answer Gwyneth wants to hear. You’re supposed to say yes, everyone should pregame with an enema. Specifically Gwyneth’s personal favorite, a $130 Danish-made ecologically sustainable rubber enema bulb and $98 bottle of organic Hawaiian onyx salt solution.
Here we go again, Goopy Paltrow is talking about puss, but this time she’s talking about the brilliant sea aliens who are master escape artists. Goopy and Team Goop were having a conversation on Slack about L.A. restaurants when someone recommended the BBQ octopus at a place in Silver Lake. Goopy piped in and said that she’s done with eating octopus because they’re way too smart for humans to eat.
Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.
Over two years ago, Goopy Paltrow took a break from blowing steam up everyone’s asses with her overpriced health methods to tell you ladies to blow steam up your chochas in the name of a clean uterus. Anti-Goopy warrior, Dr. Jen Gunter, said at the time that vaginas are like Brussels sprouts: they probably shouldn’t be steamed. (I’m sorry but steamed Brussels are nasty.) Since Goopy is obsessed with putting things up her punane for health reasons, she also recommended sticking an egg up in there. Dr. Jen Gunter also stamped “Not Recommended” onto that health tip, because sticking an egg up in there could lead to you becoming a mom to a chick and I don’t know if you’re ready that. But really, I’m sensing a theme with Goopy. It looks like she’s going through the elements, and I don’t even have a cooze, but I’m still crossing my legs while wondering what she’s going to do with “fire.”
Goopy did an interview with Women’s Health to pimp out her new packs of vitamins, and she was asked about people judging her for trying to get them into vag steaming and snatch eggs. Goopy doesn’t care if people are too simple in the mind to understand her so-forward methods!
Gwyneth Paltrow recently discovered yoni eggs, which are egg-shaped stones you shove up your snatch to allegedly help you keep things tight and tingly. Yesterday we learned that Gwyneth was selling a $66 jade egg on her website specifically to put up your vagina. Goop claimed that the jade egg would work in a number of magical ways, which included increases in chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy. She also did a Q&A with the maker of the eggs, Shiva Rose. GOOP’s jade egg has already sold out.
A gynecologist named Dr. Jen Gunter has chimed in with her thoughts. Dr. Jen wrote an open letter to Gwyneth, and surprisingly it wasn’t to congratulate Gwyneth on successfully finding a new way to waste people’s money.