Category: Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow Is A-OK With Martin Lawrence

August 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Again, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina! – I mean, Damn Gwynnie! When the hell did we have a problem???”

When it was announced that Chris Martin was slow-humping (you know that bitch has to make sex a ~soulful~ experince) on America’s Kewlest Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, most of us gleefully shot our eyes to the direction of Gwyneth Paltrow in anticipation for some kind of free-range hand-carved imported organic basic bitch meltdown upon learning that she’d been replaced by the cooler 24-year-old version of herself. But sadly, we’re not about to get one. Well, at least not for the time being. E! news says that Goopy is actually legit happy that her former partner in insufferable self-importance is getting his dick wet:

“Gwyneth is very happy for Chris, that he has moved on and found someone else,” a source tells E! News. “Their split has been remarkably amiable and they both just want the best for one another.”

Moreover, Gwyneth “can see why Jennifer is a good match for Chris,” our source adds. “Chris is very drawn to her personality, and ambition and talent. There are actually some amazing similarities between Jennifer and Gwyneth and how they view life and career, and so Gwyneth knows that ultimately Jennifer has the power to make Chris happy in the long term.

“And that’s all Gwyneth wants for Chris,” the insider reiterates. “They might not be a couple anymore, but they will always be co-parents and best friends.”

Gwyneth’s “source” (Hi Jessica Seinfeld!) used an awful lot of words, when really, they could have saved themselves some time by saying “Gwyneth is too busy fucking that weird looking dude from Glee to care what Chris Martin is doing. The End. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up Gwyneth’s weekly order of hand-picked North African crocus stems, or else she won’t have anything to filter her imported sperm whale sweat with, and would you spritz your face with unfiltered sperm whale sweat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

Martin Lawrence Went On A Romantic Wine Date At A Vineyard

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina, when the hell did I go to a vineyard???” E! News says that Martin Lawrence, the this-makes-zero-sense union between Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence, were spotted two weeks ago on a goopy-sounding date at the Wolffer Estate Vineyard in New York.

“They were there on a date,” the source dished. “They were very low-key, nobody realized who they were.”

“The setting was super-romantic. They watched the sun go down together, then quietly left,” the insider continued, noting that it’s believed the two both sampled wines.

That it’s believed? Oh believe this, you’d know if Jennifer Lawrence had been sampling wine. First of all, JLaw doesn’t “sample”, she guzzles. Second, JLaw left quietly? That means she didn’t “sample” shit. If JLaw had been “sampling” wine, she would have found every set of stairs at Wolffler Estates, fallen down them twice, tried to climb one of the oak casks and ride it like Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove, referred to the Sommelier as a ‘Somalian Pirate’, and passed out clutching a bunch of grape vines she ripped from the ground. So no, she didn’t sample any wine, which means it sounds like the most boring trip to the vineyard ever.

Meanwhile, back at Castle Goopskull, Chris Martin’s older model Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow, was reminding him that she’s still around by nominating him for the ALS ice bucket challenge by having her assistant (who’s name is probably Kevin, but she made him legally change it to something more pretentious sounding like Sébastien) dump a bucket of warm triple-filtered organic dewdrops collected from the petals of freshly-bloomed imported French peonies.

I love how she makes sure to mention that she’s also giving money. “I know a lot of celebrities are just dumping free tapwater on their heads, but I, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, philanthropist and world’s best friend, am also donating money, because I am just ~so~ much better at the ALS challenge than you.”

Video: Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Schooling Beyoncé In The Art Of The Perfect Goopy Divorce

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Now that the “On The Run” tour has wrapped up (well, almost – the people of France still get to hiss out a bored “Le sigh” when the Stunt Twins bring their tired TWOO WUV act to town) Beyoncé has started to shift her energy from trying desperately to convince everyone that her marriage to Jay-Z is rock solid on Instagram to waterproofing her weave cellar in preparation for the inevitable tsunami of Bumble Bey tears that will drown North America when she announces there’s trouble in Camel-lot.

First she started looking for a new house, and now Us Weekly claims she’s looking for divorce advice. But instead of going to a marriage counselor or a lawyer, a source says she’s pulling up an imported marble foot stool hand-carved from the head of Michelangelo’s David and taking lessons from the world’s greatest best friend Gwyneth Paltrow in how to announce your divorce in the most obnoxious better-than-your-divorce way possible.

The “Crazy in Love” singer “has sought Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice as she plans her split,” the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey and Jay will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. Blue Ivy’s mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder’s amicable “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin, the first source says.

“The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together,” adds the insider. “The two will be all lovey-dovey.”

But what if Beyoncé wants to continue her education and learn more about being an insufferably snobby twat? Thankfully, The Goop Institute of Elitism offers a variety of post-divorce programs. For $500,000, students may enroll in any of the following classes personally taught by Professor Gwyneth K. Paltrow herself: General Snobbery, Perfection, Advanced Cluelessness, Living As A Struggling Single Mother, Billionaire Hunting, TV/VCR Repair, Bookkeeping, Auto Mechanics, Business Management, AND MORE! To receive a brochure from the prestigious GIoE, call 1-800-SNOB-4-ME, and please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.

Pic: Instagram

Jessica Seinfeld Says That Gwyneth Paltrow Is The Bestest Friend Anyone Could Ever Ask For

August 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Cook book author and expert-level gold digger Jessica Seinfeld (yes the woman who left her husband of four months for Jerry Seinfeld. Get that Kramer cash, bitch!) pretty much told us really all we need to know about Jessica Seinfeld when she posted a picture of her best fwend Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram on Sunday with the following caption (WARNING: Toxic levels of celebrity ass-kissing ahead):

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Sorry, did I say ass-kissing? I meant hardcore salad tossing. Jessica Seinfeld’s tongue was so deep in Gwyneth’s goop-chute, she could practically taste the cold-brewed bluefin tuna tear tea in her stomach. That was some Journey To The Center Of Goop’s Massive Ego shit.

Seriously though, how much did Gwynnie have to pay her to say that? Jessica’s got a tight wallet-humping game, so you know that bitch didn’t come cheap. I bet the breakdown of services went a little something like this:

Gold Package: Alluding to friend, friends, and/or friendship ($1700 for each mention, plus unlimited access to the spa at Castle Goopskull)
Platinum Package: Sounding sincere (2 boxes imported cashmere tampons, 1 endangered white tiger facial)
Whatever Is More Expensive Than Platinum Package: Use of any of the following words – kind, true, loyal, down-to-earth, plus referring to you as “baby girl” ($5000 per word, a wig made of your hair, and Tracy Anderson)

But it doesn’t really matter what she said, because I kept getting distracted by Jessica Seinfeld’s hair! It looked like a gnarly wave just begging me to Photoshop a little surfer hanging ten inside it:

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Pic: Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Might Be Humping On The Dude Who Created Glee

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Star (via Daily Mail) professional bitchy sorority girl and the Ghost of Blake Lively Future Gwyneth Paltrow is doing Brad Falchuk, the creator of Glee and a dude who sort of looks like Jonathan Cheban with all the slow-looking lizard Photoshopped out of his face. A source claims Gwyneth and Brad spent a weekend back in June together at the $8,000 a night Armangiri resort in Utah, where they had dinner and hung out by the pool. Extra gross note: the source says Gwyneth was topless.

They first met on the set of Glee back in 2010 when she guest starred as “Gwyneth Paltrow Trying To Make Singing Gwyneth Paltrow Happen Again” (aka “Holly Holiday”). Brad’s wife filed for divorce in March of 2013 and Gwyneth announced she was calling it quits with Chris Martin in March of 2014. Insert Church Lady How Conveeeeenient here. NO! I’m sure she wasn’t wrapping her organic free-range pussy around Brad’s trouser mic on the set of Glee. If anything, they probably bonded over their mutual eye roll-inducing contributions to American culture (Goop.com, Lea Michele).

But don’t start monogramming the hand-woven endangered Italian silkworm towels just yet, because I don’t see this lasting very long. An $8,000 a night resort in Utah? EW BRAD, HOW DARE YOU?!?! You might as well have just pulled up to a dilapidated Motel 6 off the interstate and told her to grab some snacks from the vending machine while you negotiate for a room that doesn’t smell like Beefaroni and used condoms. Actually, that’s probably the first thing she said when they pulled up to Armangiri. “Yuck, why does it smell like poors here? Is that water in the pool? I only swim in imported cultured pearl dew from the moons of Venus. I hate you, take me home.”

Gwyneth Paltrow Pays People $5,240 To Give Her Violent Aggressive Facials

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m sorry for those of you who read the words “Gwyneth Paltrow aggressive facial” and your mind immediately went to a shameful dark disgusting stomach-turning place. It’s my fault; I’ll grab you some brain bleach and the number for Lacuna Inc.

When her majesty Gwyneth Paltrow wants to tighten up her snobby pores and smooth out the stuck-up wrinkles on her insufferably smug face, she doesn’t pull out a tube of cold-pressed organic dolphin tears or a single-use jar of crème de la white tiger placenta. Why? Because she’s not a bougie bitch, that’s why! Ew, can you even imagine Princess Goopy slathering her precious visage in something as budget as white tiger placenta? No, when Gwyneth Paltrow tells Hello! (via E!) that when she wants to wake up looking smooth and refreshed, she hops into her LX-5 Gleep-Glorp (it’s a very exclusive luxury sedan from Jupiter that you definitely can’t afford, so don’t bother) and zips over to a super-secret snobby rich white lady clinic to get slapped in the face with a laser:

The actress loves the effective but not-so-pleasant Thermage laser treatment. “It’s non-invasive but it’s quite painful, like having your face smacked with a rubber band that has an electric shock in it. But it works.”

The Thermage treatment is also commonly known as the “face-ironing treatment.” The treatment boosts collagen levels in the skin’s lower layers, creating a tightening effect to the top layer.

But even if you’re up for the pain, Thermage laser treatments will cost you. A half-face treatment costs around $3,900, while a full-face treatment comes with the hefty price tag of $5,240.

I bet it doesn’t even hurt that bad normally, but they turn up the laser full-strength when Goopy comes in just so they can experience the satisfying feeling that comes from getting to slap the smug off her face. They’re probably not even using a laser; they’re just covering her eyes and snapping actual elastic bands on her face for 10 minutes while the receptionist runs her credit card through the machine for $5,240. And just like that, I think I’ve found a way for Michael K and I to make a shitload of money off of dumb vain hos and retire at 35 (cut to us one year later at 36 spending our last $20 on a plate of Bacon Ranch Quesadillas at Chili’s and searching the ETC section of Craigslist).

And I’m surprised that Gwyneth didn’t elaborate on her painful experience with facial ironing by comparing it to her face bravely fighting in a war zone.

This Is Supposed To Be Goopy Paltrow As Brigitte Bardot

July 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Max Factor sees Goopy Paltrow as Brigitte Bardot. I see Jennifer Lawrence as Taylor Momsen in an ad for Monistat.

For their 100 Years of Glamour campaign, Max Factor took the most unglamorous piece of freeze dried organic jicama and did her up as icons throughout the decades. For the 80s, they did her up as her former partner in macrobiotics turned frenemy Madge and bitch looks less like Madge and more like my first grade friend Armando who wanted to be Cyndi Lauper for Halloween, but his mom got confused and bought him stuff for a Madonna costume instead. (Yeah, he dressed up as Madonna for Halloween in the first grade. He was the original Princess Boy and a drag vanguard.) For the 70s, they did her up as Farrah Fawcett, because they wanted to prove that even when you give her hair wings and cover her in gold sparkles, she’s still about as exciting as a soft 2 inch dick floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of tap water. For the 50s, they did her up as Audrey Hepburn, because Audrey hasn’t been tortured enough and it’s never going to stop until every government declares her image a historical site so everyone can stop fucking with it. And for the 60s, they did her up as Brigitte Bardot and I don’t see a drop of Brigitte Bardot. I just see Goopy meditating in her $5,000 cashmere and bunny pubes sweater after spending 8 hours getting several dolphin amniotic fluid enemas in a sauna. That isn’t make-up on her eyelids. That’s black swan poo and clay. It sucks out the toxins your eyes ingest when you look at a McDonald’s for too long.

I can deal with Goopy being a pretentious organic cunt waffle who spits at peasants, but I cannot deal with her committing the greatest sin of all: lazy drag.

via The Daily Mail 

Gwyneth Paltrow Claims Her Water Is More Enlightened Than Your Water

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under “Insufferable bitches finding new ways to be even more insufferable”. A week ago (which means she’s already come up with 18 new ideas for being better than you, so stay tuned) Gwyneth Paltrow revealed just how clueless and smug she can be by posting a piece written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi to GOOP about the effect negative thoughts and words have on water. Yes, I said negative thoughts, yes, I said water, and no, I CAN’T.

Gwyneth claims she’s “fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter” and loves the book The Hidden Messages in Water by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto. So she challenged her BFTYF (better friend than your friend) Dr. Sadeghi to write something more smug and self-congratulatory than their piece on conscious uncoupling for GOOP about happy content water (“I’d do it myself, but I’m waiting for a hand-polished agate keyboard to be made so that my fingers don’t have to touch something as bourgeois as plastic.”)

The entire piece is basically a clueless rich person’s book report, so I’ll save you the time and the inevitable migraine from rolling your eyes too hard by giving you the highlights of why Gwyneth’s water is better than your water. GOOP says Emoto poured water into vials and labeled them with negative phrases like “I hate you” and “fear”. After 24 hours, he looked at it under a microscope and it yielded “gray, misshapen clumps.” But when he labeled the vials with positive phrases like “I love you” and “peace”, the water produced “gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.” And god forbid Gwyneth would put anything to her precious lips that wasn’t gleaming and/or perfect.

So essentially, she’s saying thinking bad shit about yourself makes you a gross gray turd, but reassuring yourself you’re perfect will make you a shimmering flawless diamond. Well, duh, that’s not science; that’s just called being a conceited narcissist.

And now we know how she manages to stay so strong during combat in the never-ending war against bitchy negative internet commenters: drinking lots of water and talking to it like Stuart Smalley.

Pic: Instagram

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Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow

May 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.

Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!

“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”

Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.

“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”

Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):

“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”

Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.

via HuffPo & Lainey Gossip

 

I See You Shading Goopy Paltrow, St. Angie Jolie

May 21, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jolie is Goddess of Children, Goddess of Wearing Black, Goddess of Wearing Skin-Colored Condom Shoes and Goddess of Forehead Veins, and now you can add Goddess Of Working Mother to her goddess resume. St. Angie Jolie understands the plight of the single working mother and she’ll never ever bitch and moan out loud about how hard she’s got it, because she knows she doesn’t have it hard at all.

During an interview to promote the documentary about her life called Maleficent, the NYDN asked St. Angie what she thinks about comments made by the First Lady of NYC Chirlane McCray. Chirlane McCray told New York Magazine that she feels guilty about juggling her career and her daughter. St. Angie Jolie says that she doesn’t have “mommy guilt,” because she knows she’s privileged than most and her children can travel with her. Put on your knee pads (please, I know you whores always have your knee pads on) and worship at the feet of the saint of all saints:

“I’m not a single mom with two jobs trying to get by every day. I have much more support than most people, most women in this world. And I have the financial means to have a home and health care and food. My kids, they’re here upstairs.

When I feel I’m doing too much, I do less, if I can. And that’s why I’m in a rare position where I don’t have to do job after job. I can take time when my family needs it. I can say I can only get into the (editing) room after the kids are in school, and I have to be back for dinner, and they’re coming for lunch.”

St. Angie’s comments were in response to Chirlane McCray’s comments, but I’d still like to think that after she said this next part, she went on to say, “And you know who I’m talking about,” while holding her nose up in the snobby bitch position:

“I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain. Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.”

Yes, St. Angie, snatch up Goopy’s wig the same way you snatched up Aniston’s husband. Finish her!

But really, I doubt Brad Pitt’s ex could give a shit about this and she has a lot of shit to give since she’s full of it. Goopy’s secretary probably printed this interview out in ladybird spider semen ink on fennel-scented Torrey Pine paper and handed it to Goopy who looked it over and said, “Eh, this salope feeds her kids McDonald’s. She’s subhuman.

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