Category: Gwyneth Paltrow

Goopy Paltrow, Who Once Said That She’ll Never Go To The Met Gala Again, Was At This Year’s Met Gala 

May 1, 2017 / Posted by:

The lady on the left (aka my hero) is either throwing a looking that says, “This bitch has the nerve showing up after shitting on this event,” or she just inhaled one of Goopy’s artisanal locally-sourced farts. Goopy must’ve gotten gas from the organic chickpea skin and dragon fruit water cleanse she went on to get into her Calvin Klein dress.

Four years ago, Goopy Paltrow raised her nose up at the Met Gala and basically said she’d rather get boned by a can of spray cheese in the middle of a Golden Corral while wearing Old Navy than go again.

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

But look at what the $25,000 pure bred Bengal cat dragged into tonight’s Met Gala.

Goopy has created an evil union of pretentious horror by teaming up with Anna Wintour for Goop the Magazine, so that’s probably why she decided to taint her Cle de Peau Beaute-covered delicate skin with the sweat fumes of common peasants. Goopy did it for business reasons. So she can totally write off the gallons of Purellé: Black Label she’s going to bathe in to rid her body of the provincial stench of the Met Gala. But really, whenever you’re going through some serious shit and suffering in a real way, remember the time that Goopy Paltrow plugged her nose and went into the sauna of plebeian sweat that is the Met Gala. Let that brave moment inspire you. If Goopy can go back to the Met Gala after the traumatic experience she went through, you can do anything.

And here’s more of Goopy proving that she don’t give a fuck about the Met Gala by wearing the slip version of her 1999 Oscar dress.

Pics: Getty

Goopy Paltrow And Anna Wintour Are Forming An Unholy Union To Bring Us The Goop Magazine 

April 28, 2017 / Posted by:

Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!

Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Continues To Be A Ridiculous Person

April 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Do you ever get the feeling that asshole expert (takes one to know one) Gwyneth Paltrow is just super-bored and actually just engaged in a trolling long game? Maybe all of her foolishness is an effort to combat the ennui that stems from being a rich white lady with very little adversity in her life? No, she’s not bright enough for that and is probably really this annoying. It was bad enough that she’s fancied herself “Gwyneth Paltrow, Cooch Counselor” for the past couple of years.

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Goop Has Some Advice For Doing Anal

March 24, 2017 / Posted by:

You laugh, but let’s face it: I can’t think of a better person to discuss the ins and outs of anal than someone who appears to permanently have a stick up their ass. Goop’s second annual Sex Issue was released today. Gwyneth Paltrow must have been listening when everyone read last year’s issue and muttered “I’ll tell you where you can stick that $15,000 dildo“, because this year she’s talking anal, the hetero kind.

Goop interviewed a psychoanalyst named Paul Joannides for a piece called Reality Check: Anal Sex, the purpose of which is to educate about anal. Here are just a few of Goop’s tips:

– Practice teaching your sphincter muscles to relax
– Use lots of lube
– Don’t have anal while drunk or stoned
– If the dick hurts, use a lubed-up finger

Good luck with Step #1, Gwyneth. The second Tracy Anderson hears that one of your muscle groups have gone soft, she’s going to throw a fit.

Goop also asks Paul about enemas and what people should be teaching their kids about anal. He says there are more-important conversations to have, like talking about masturbation and exploring while learning. As for the enema thing, Paul is on the fence and says it’s an either/or situation. Tsk tsk tsk Paul, that is NOT the answer Gwyneth wants to hear. You’re supposed to say yes, everyone should pregame with an enema. Specifically Gwyneth’s personal favorite, a $130 Danish-made ecologically sustainable rubber enema bulb and $98 bottle of organic Hawaiian onyx salt solution.

Pic: Splash

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Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Octopuses Are Too Smart To Eat

March 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Here we go again, Goopy Paltrow is talking about puss, but this time she’s talking about the brilliant sea aliens who are master escape artists. Goopy and Team Goop were having a conversation on Slack about L.A. restaurants when someone recommended the BBQ octopus at a place in Silver Lake. Goopy piped in and said that she’s done with eating octopus because they’re way too smart for humans to eat.

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Gwyneth Paltrow May Be Ready To Consciously Couple Up With Brad Falchuk

March 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.

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