In case you’ve forgotten that Gwyneth Paltrow does everything better and more uniquely special than the average human person (cut to Gwyneth at this very moment in a lab getting her DNA triple-filtered through a $40,000 organic DNA cleansing system in an attempt to human better than the rest of us humans), it looks like now she’s found a way to put an insufferable spin on dating too. We all know that the Snobby Corn Broom has been rubbing her dehydrated down-lows on Glee and American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk for a while now, but according to Page Six, it’s recently gone from casual to still casual but also sort-of serious but like, I’m not your girlfriend, so chill out, but you better not be passing that peen.
Gwyneth Paltrow and American Horror Story producer Brad Falchuk are openly a couple when they circulate among Hollywood VIPs, insiders say.
They are “openly dating, but behind closed doors,” said an insider, who added that entertainment pros know them as a couple. “They go to private Hollywood parties together.”
Okay, so let’s try to make sense of that. They are a couple, but only at fancy private Hollywood parties. So…they are a couple? I’m so confused! Maybe Gwyneth could explain her couple-but-only-at-private-parties philosophy on GOOP? Oh, what do you know? I have an advanced copy of said GOOP post (that I totally didn’t just make up) right here!
Mindful Private Togetherness
I suppose one of your personal assistants has informed you that I’m currently seeing someone. Aren’t you so happy? Yay for me! First things first, we don’t use the term ‘dating’ – that’s for poors and regulars! What I’m doing with Bradley is called mindful private togetherness. It’s an approach that limits the exposure of your relationyacht (I don’t do relationships – ships are too pedestrian) in order to maintain its exclusivity. Just like a $900 bottle of imported fermented endangered white lion tears, only the finest of peoples may experience GOOPCHUK.
Although I’m sure if you really want to know what it looks like when Gwyneth and Brad get their couple on, you could always rub a corn broom against a constipated-looking guinea pig who sort of resembles Zach Braff, and you’d get the general idea.
Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!
Last week, when Goopy Paltrow was surgically attaching her tongue to President Obama’s b-hole lips while creaming over him at the Democratic National Committee Fundraiser she threw at her house in Brentwood, Martha Stewart was probably in the kitchen pissing into the Dom Perignon, kumquat and lemongrass punch. Next to cuddling with the Terry Richardson needlepoint pillow she made herself, screwing with Goopy Paltrow has become Martha’s new favorite “good thing.”
The Grande Dame of the Cell Block started throwing side-eyes at Goopy Paltrow last year when she said that she’s the one who started the whole lifestyle thing and she thinks it’s “fine” that Goopy wants to get into the lifestyle game. Martha basically patted little Goopy on the head while saying under her breath, “Good luck, amateur bitch.” But the condescending pats on the head turned into a straight up shank to the face when she recently said that Goopy needs to shut her thin spaghetti lips and stop trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Goopy said she was “psyched” that Martha sees her as competition.
Well, the anti-GOOP hits keep coming and Martha came for Goopy again by making fun of the Eye Roll Hall of Fame-winning “conscious uncoupling” statement she shat up after the last broken pieces of her marriage were sucked up into the colonic machine.
HuffPo points out that in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha kicked at Goopy’s culito with this:
If you can’t read that third degree burn to the right ass cheek, here’s what it says:
Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the pie looks like a big plop of POOP on top of a piece of burnt, shredded cardboard. The POOP represents what Martha thinks of GOOP and the piece of burnt, shredded cardboard represents Goopy’s personality.
Some might think that Martha is being petty and immature, because she is Martha Stewart and Goopy is a lesser who should be as significant to her a soggy saltine. To which I say, shush the fuck up. Who cares if this is petty and immature. It’s highly entertaining. Appreciate the shade, don’t question the shade. Come sit with us in the peasant section and scream “SCALP THAT TRICK!” while watching two rich, pretentious blondies go at it.
Prison really did Martha good.
Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!
Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN
“Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”
Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!
Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:
- “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.”
- “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”
- “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”
Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.
Why did I immediately get the feeling this post should have a “You in danger girl” tag? According to Us Weekly, a source close to Gwyneth Paltrow (the $1250 hand-carved imported acacia wood stick that’s permanently stuck up her ass) says that she’s ready to meet Chris Martin’s new squeeze, America’s favorite fart-sniffin’ cool girl Jennifer Lawrence, and wants to spend some time getting to know her. Keep your basic friends close and your enemies closer! I’m sure that’s stitched in 24k gold thread on a Mulberry silk pillow somewhere in Castle Goopskull.
“She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along.” The source adds that the Shakespeare in Love actress is “fine” with her ex’s romance with Lawrence but would like him to wait a bit before introducing her to their kids, daughter Apple and son Moses. “Gwyneth wants to be sure about her,” the source says.
Oh Gwyneth, you crafty come-to-life corn broom you. I can see what she’s trying to do here. She wants to get the scoop on JLaw without coming across like Chris’s crazy ex-wife (tooooo laaate), so she’ll casually try to invite herself over to JLaw’s house for a little GOOP-y girl’s night. Then after about an hour of sipping chilled organic tiger tear gin and tonics and talking about GOOP-y girl stuff (“OMG Jenny, don’t you totally hate it when you get a blow out and the stylist forgets to apply crushed grey pearl serum??”), Gwyneth will excuse herself and go rummaging through JLaw’s bathroom for cool girl dirt. “Ew, what is this? A toothbrush? You mean she doesn’t have an in-house dentist who cleans her teeth every morning? And she still uses towels? Gawd, it’s 2014 – I thought everyone had made the transition to a $29,000 personal moisture removal machine by now.”
And totally off topic, but what is it with all of Gwyneth’s exes moving on to girls name Jennifer? Chris Martin, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck (twice!) – something in the cashmere-filtered lemongrass water ain’t clean!
Here’s more of I’m-not-a-regular-ex-wife-I’m-a-cool-ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow serving up some sexy corn husk doll realness at an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lunch yesterday.
Because I want to post this Mona Lisa of GIFS as much as possible, this is what Martha Stewart did to Goopy Paltrow a few weeks ago:
The Grand Dame of Verbal Shade and the self-proclaimed inventor of lifestyle’n basically pulled some “Stay in your lane, bitch” shit on Goopy Paltrow when she was asked what she thinks of Goopy trying to be the new her. Martha wrapped her prison bitch grip around the mop of straw on Goopy’s head, dragged her to a chair and pushed her bony ass into it by saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”
Gwyneth Paltrow’s never-ending quest to be this generation’s Martha Stewart (you know, if Martha was an insufferable snobby come-to-life corn broom) continues. According to Fortune, Gwyneth needed to hire a new CEO for GOOP. In this case, I’m sure CEO stands for “Curator of Expensive Objects”. Obviously, Gwyneth would have loved to have hired herself, but she’s far too busy getting $1200 crushed abalone shell facials in the weekday garden at Castle Goopskull to run a company, so she outsourced. And who was deemed goopy enough to run GOOP? Former Martha Stewart Living CEO Lisa Gersh.
Gersh, a savvy media-industry executive with well over a decade of startup experience, left Stewart’s company early last year, after just six months at the helm, over disagreements with the veteran lifestyle guru about how to expand her business. At Goop, she’ll apply her strategic thinking about marrying content and commerce toward helping Paltrow compete with Stewart and build her own global lifestyle brand.
Oh, I can read between the lines here. First Martha puts on her prison-issued orange jumpsuit (they let her take it home as a souvenir) and word-shanks The Dry One, telling her to step off bitch, because rustic heirloom tomato tarts and perfectly-folded beds are her turf. Then The Dry One starts hanging around the Martha Stewart Living offices like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in hopes of catching a disgruntled employee, hiring said employee, and learning all of Martha’s secrets. Revenge is a dish best served bland!
Or maybe Gwyneth just hired her because she confused Lisa Gersh for Jami Gertz, who she then confused for Jami’s character in Square Pegs, Muffy B. Tepperman, and she knew she’d never find a more perfectly uptight obnoxious snobby soul sister to run her company. “Peeeeeople! It behooves me to tell you to buy this imported organic cashmere-filtered coconut water!“
Goopy Paltrow Wants You To Know That She’s Not The Epitome Of Perfection And Screws Up Pasta Sometimes
But FYI: Goopy Paltrow’s screwed up pasta is still a zillion times better than your best pasta. You already knew that, though.
When all of us peasant peons sneak past the guards and stick our eyes on the crack in the stone wall that surrounds Goopy Paltrow’s perfect manor of perfection, our eye sockets fill with pure jealousy as we look at everything in her perfect life from her perfect outdoor pizza oven to the perfect bath tub in her perfect bedroom to the way the perfect stick shoved up her perfect ass gives her perfect posture. But the dehydrated piece of jicama covered with perfection tells Viva Magazine (via E! News) that even she, the human pinnacle of excellence whose full name auto-corrects to PERFECT in every iPhone (every iPhone 6 that is. You literally can’t type her name in an iPhone 5s or lower, because poors don’t deserve that honor!), fails sometimes. I mean, she screwed up pasta once! Technically it wasn’t her fault. It was her Italian water importer’s fault. He sent her jugs full of tap water from Bologna instead of Sicily and it totally made her homemade pasta inedible! Goopy also continued to clarify that “9 to 5 working moms don’t have it as hard as I do” comment she shat up a few months ago.
File this under: “DUH! Of course that hay-haired control freak does!“. Even though human water cracker Gwyneth Paltrow and come-to-life cashmere scarf Chris Martin have been separated for what feels like years now and he’s moved on to shedding a single tear while slow-humping on Katniss Everdeen and she’s moved on to rubbing her bland parts on the Jonathan Cheban-looking dude who created Glee, Grazia UK (via The Daily Mail) says that Gwyneth still has Chris on a tight $900 imported leather leash.
A source (the lead singer of The Nappies) says that Goopy is happy that Chris has found someone to poke with his melancholy penis, but she doesn’t want him to forget about his co-parenting priorities, so she’s drawn up a schedule to make sure Chris spends enough time at Castle Goopskull with her and the gooplets. But how does Chris Martin feel about it? The source says you can call him “Natalie Imbruglia”, because he’s TORN:
They say Chris is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage. “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,” the source tells the magazine. “The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”
I have no idea what Chris Martin’s Goop-approved schedule is actually like – it could just be like “Saturday, 10:30 – go organic meyer lemon picking with gooplets“. But since everything Gwyneth writes is a hand-dyed linen bag of bullshit, that schedule is most likely the worst. I bet even the gooplets look at it and roll their eyes. “Jesus Christ, mom…2:30-4:45 – watch Gwyneth work out to Tracy Anderson’s Awkward White Girl Hip-Hop Dance DVD? Again?“
If you’ve ever wanted to pay $1,000 to eat thimble-sized portions of imported red-crested tree rat tears and dehydrated organic purified air chips, now’s your chance! According to The Hollywood Reporter (via People) come-to-life corn broom Gwyneth Paltrow will host a fundraising dinner for President Barack Obama at her underground snob lair in Los Angeles next month. Which means that one month and one day from now, she’ll publish an article on Goop.com titled “Tips For Hosting A Casual Dinner Party For The President of the United States of America” and obnoxiously refer to him multiple times as ‘my best friend Barry‘.
But the party won’t be totally Goop-ified (aka there will be actual food and no one will be forced to watch Gwyneth do a 90-minute hip-hop-yogalates class with living haunted ventriloquist dummy Tracy Anderson). The event has been planned by the Democratic National Committee, and will begin with a reception at Castle Goopskull followed by a dinner where President Obama will answer questions from guests. Tickets cost between $1,000 and $32,400 per person. I bet there’s no difference between the $1,000 ticket and the $32,400 ticket. The Democratic National Committee probably guessed that Gwyneth Paltrow would need a way to feel superior even at her own dinner party, so they offered two ticket prices; one for the low-class poors and one that costs 32 times more for Gwyneth.
This will be the second time Martha’s favorite movie star has hosted a fundraiser for President Obama, the first was held during his re-election campaign in 2012. Which makes me wonder…what did Obama do to deserve such punishment? My Dinner with Goopy – TWICE?? Once would be enough for you to swear off dinner parties forever. At least he’s got a whole month to think of a convincing excuse why he can’t go. Here, I’ve already got some ready for him: you’re on an all-McDonalds diet, you’re allergic to kale water, you need to stay home and practice making your bed.
Meanwhile, Michelle Obama can just send Goopy this gif and be like “Just pretend I was there.”