God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
I feel like being Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid has to be a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you’re living one fancy life, you get Blythe Danner as a grandma, and you’re bound to get first dibs on whatever $1,200 plain-ass T-shirt GOOP is hawking that month. On the other hand, you’re probably inundated with people asking shit like “How many vaj steamers does your mom have?” and “Does your mom REALLY think she invented yoga?” Apple Martin is Gwyn’s kid with consciously uncoupled ex-husband Chris Martin, and Apple looks A LOT like Gwyneth and she is also VERY MUCH going through her teenage years. Of course, Gwyn thought it’d be cute to share a selfie on Instagram of the two of them on a ski trip that likely cost more than a normal person’s lifetime earnings. Apple was NOT here for that.
As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
Gwyneth Paltrow Took Credit For The Gluten-Free Craze And Thinks Psychedelic Drugs Are The Next Big Thing
Gwyneth Paltrow, inventor of yoga, is back on her bullshit and took credit for the “gluten-free” craze in a recent New York Times interview. Also, the whole concept of a drama-free break up (aka “conscious uncoupling”), that was because of her incredible influence as well. Lady Da Vinci has given us so much already, but she’s not done yet! The next big thing, according to G.P. (“as she is known to friends“), will probably be medicinal psychedelics. So when you start seeing middle-aged white ladies lined out the door for a Psilocybin Matcha Macchiato at Starbucks, you’ll know who to thank.
As you sit there, comfortable in your pampered existence, never forget that there’s a whole other world of pain, turmoil and danger up #inthesestreets. Well, to be more exact, up #ontheseslopes. Gwyneth Paltrow knows better than anyone about the dangers of the dog-eat-dog world of recreational skiing, especially since she got slapped with a lawsuit by a man who accused her of skiing into him on the mean slopes of Park City, Utah. Now Gwyneth is taking justice into her own hands by enacting what is called a “Connecticut Drive-by“. Gwyneth is counter-suing Dr. Terry Sanderson, claiming that it was he who skied into her! And she’s digging the knife in even further by pulling a Randolph and Mortimer Duke on him and asking for retribution in the sum of $1, according to TMZ.
The celebrity tabloid industry can continue their celebratory orgy for the gift of Brad Pitt attending Jennifer Aniston‘s 50th birthday bonanza, as People is reporting a hot new update all about her will-she/won’t-she internal struggle of inviting her ex-husband to the big day. Is it that serious? No, but there’s a source who is really shilling it to you.