Category: Gwyneth Paltrow

This Is Supposed To Be Goopy Paltrow As Brigitte Bardot

July 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Max Factor sees Goopy Paltrow as Brigitte Bardot. I see Jennifer Lawrence as Taylor Momsen in an ad for Monistat.

For their 100 Years of Glamour campaign, Max Factor took the most unglamorous piece of freeze dried organic jicama and did her up as icons throughout the decades. For the 80s, they did her up as her former partner in macrobiotics turned frenemy Madge and bitch looks less like Madge and more like my first grade friend Armando who wanted to be Cyndi Lauper for Halloween, but his mom got confused and bought him stuff for a Madonna costume instead. (Yeah, he dressed up as Madonna for Halloween in the first grade. He was the original Princess Boy and a drag vanguard.) For the 70s, they did her up as Farrah Fawcett, because they wanted to prove that even when you give her hair wings and cover her in gold sparkles, she’s still about as exciting as a soft 2 inch dick floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of tap water. For the 50s, they did her up as Audrey Hepburn, because Audrey hasn’t been tortured enough and it’s never going to stop until every government declares her image a historical site so everyone can stop fucking with it. And for the 60s, they did her up as Brigitte Bardot and I don’t see a drop of Brigitte Bardot. I just see Goopy meditating in her $5,000 cashmere and bunny pubes sweater after spending 8 hours getting several dolphin amniotic fluid enemas in a sauna. That isn’t make-up on her eyelids. That’s black swan poo and clay. It sucks out the toxins your eyes ingest when you look at a McDonald’s for too long.

I can deal with Goopy being a pretentious organic cunt waffle who spits at peasants, but I cannot deal with her committing the greatest sin of all: lazy drag.

via The Daily Mail 

Gwyneth Paltrow Claims Her Water Is More Enlightened Than Your Water

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under “Insufferable bitches finding new ways to be even more insufferable”. A week ago (which means she’s already come up with 18 new ideas for being better than you, so stay tuned) Gwyneth Paltrow revealed just how clueless and smug she can be by posting a piece written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi to GOOP about the effect negative thoughts and words have on water. Yes, I said negative thoughts, yes, I said water, and no, I CAN’T.

Gwyneth claims she’s “fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter” and loves the book The Hidden Messages in Water by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto. So she challenged her BFTYF (better friend than your friend) Dr. Sadeghi to write something more smug and self-congratulatory than their piece on conscious uncoupling for GOOP about happy content water (“I’d do it myself, but I’m waiting for a hand-polished agate keyboard to be made so that my fingers don’t have to touch something as bourgeois as plastic.”)

The entire piece is basically a clueless rich person’s book report, so I’ll save you the time and the inevitable migraine from rolling your eyes too hard by giving you the highlights of why Gwyneth’s water is better than your water. GOOP says Emoto poured water into vials and labeled them with negative phrases like “I hate you” and “fear”. After 24 hours, he looked at it under a microscope and it yielded “gray, misshapen clumps.” But when he labeled the vials with positive phrases like “I love you” and “peace”, the water produced “gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.” And god forbid Gwyneth would put anything to her precious lips that wasn’t gleaming and/or perfect.

So essentially, she’s saying thinking bad shit about yourself makes you a gross gray turd, but reassuring yourself you’re perfect will make you a shimmering flawless diamond. Well, duh, that’s not science; that’s just called being a conceited narcissist.

And now we know how she manages to stay so strong during combat in the never-ending war against bitchy negative internet commenters: drinking lots of water and talking to it like Stuart Smalley.

Pic: Instagram

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Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow

May 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.

Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!

“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”

Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.

“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”

Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):

“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”

Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.

via HuffPo & Lainey Gossip

 

I See You Shading Goopy Paltrow, St. Angie Jolie

May 21, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jolie is Goddess of Children, Goddess of Wearing Black, Goddess of Wearing Skin-Colored Condom Shoes and Goddess of Forehead Veins, and now you can add Goddess Of Working Mother to her goddess resume. St. Angie Jolie understands the plight of the single working mother and she’ll never ever bitch and moan out loud about how hard she’s got it, because she knows she doesn’t have it hard at all.

During an interview to promote the documentary about her life called Maleficent, the NYDN asked St. Angie what she thinks about comments made by the First Lady of NYC Chirlane McCray. Chirlane McCray told New York Magazine that she feels guilty about juggling her career and her daughter. St. Angie Jolie says that she doesn’t have “mommy guilt,” because she knows she’s privileged than most and her children can travel with her. Put on your knee pads (please, I know you whores always have your knee pads on) and worship at the feet of the saint of all saints:

“I’m not a single mom with two jobs trying to get by every day. I have much more support than most people, most women in this world. And I have the financial means to have a home and health care and food. My kids, they’re here upstairs.

When I feel I’m doing too much, I do less, if I can. And that’s why I’m in a rare position where I don’t have to do job after job. I can take time when my family needs it. I can say I can only get into the (editing) room after the kids are in school, and I have to be back for dinner, and they’re coming for lunch.”

St. Angie’s comments were in response to Chirlane McCray’s comments, but I’d still like to think that after she said this next part, she went on to say, “And you know who I’m talking about,” while holding her nose up in the snobby bitch position:

“I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain. Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.”

Yes, St. Angie, snatch up Goopy’s wig the same way you snatched up Aniston’s husband. Finish her!

But really, I doubt Brad Pitt’s ex could give a shit about this and she has a lot of shit to give since she’s full of it. Goopy’s secretary probably printed this interview out in ladybird spider semen ink on fennel-scented Torrey Pine paper and handed it to Goopy who looked it over and said, “Eh, this salope feeds her kids McDonald’s. She’s subhuman.

Goopy Paltrow Wants The Mommy Wars To Stop And I Want Her To Stop Using Gross Phrases Like “Mommy Wars”

May 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Awww, isn’t it cute how all you provincial, J. Jill-wearing, Hyundai Sonata-driving, cubicle-inhabiting working moms are projecting your simple, little insecurities onto moi?”

Back in March, living enema full of pretentiousness Goopy Paltrow caused a working mom shit storm when she said in an interview with E! News that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night and when she’s making a movie she has to Skype her children from her $3 million trailer while getting acupuncture on her anus to relieve the tension of her rectum clutching onto that stick. (Side note: Strangely enough, when she Skypes her children, the French nanny that was bred 22 years ago to specifically be her kids’ future nanny answers and says that Apple and Moses are currently unavailable because the in-house massage therapist is massaging their temples with organic ylang-ylang oil while the other nanny reads them Shakespearean sonnets in four different langauges. Lies. They’re really eating candy soup while watching Nickelodeon.) Goopy actually said that she “has it harder.” But now she’s saying that her words were taken out of context and she didn’t mean that 9-to-5 working moms have it easier than her. A bunch of moms who are not as perfect as her had to twist her words to make themselves feel better. CAUTION: She uses the word “opine.” Get your screen-punching fist ready.

A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule. This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon? Why do we feel so entitled to opine, often so negatively, on the choices of other women? Perhaps because there is so much pressure to do it all, and do it all well all at the same time (impossible). Below is a somewhat radical piece by Brigid Schulte, which has provoked many a discussion here in our HQ, and even a tear or two.

The piece by Brigid Schulte is titled, “IDEAL MOTHERS, IDEAL WORKERS AND THE MYTH OF BUSYNESS.” Enough said.

For a few sentences there, I thought a dark cloud would appear in the sky and suck us all in, because Goopy making sense and sounding somewhat reasonable is the final sign of the rapture. But then she had to go and show us that she’s still a big unremarkable anus by adding that little “perhaps projected” comment. Goopy never says ANYTHING wrong and if you took it that way it’s just your imperfect self being jealous of how perfect she is. But you know, if Goopy shat up a note that wasn’t dripping in lukewarm pretentiousness, none of us would have triceps the size of her ego, because we wouldn’t be repeatedly punching our screens. What I’m saying is that Goopy totally has a deal with the computer screen companies.

Chris Martin Is Taking The Blame For Consciously Uncoupling His Marriage

April 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!

“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”

“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”

That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.

And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?

Pics: Splash

Goopy Paltrow’s Friends Are Sick Of Her Insufferable Ass Bragging About How Perfect Her Divorce Is

April 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow does everything better than everybody else. Goopy’s marriage was better than your marriage. Goopy’s shits are better than your shits. So of course her divorce is going to be better than everybody else’s divorce. After Goopy shoved a flax seed and dolphin amniotic fluid enema up her life’s b-hole and flushed out Chris Martin, she posted some crap on Goop from “expertswho think that divorce happens so often nowadays because we live longer and we’re not meant to be with one person for more than 10 years. Goopy got a divorce, because she’s just really evolved and way more evolved than all of us. Some source tells Radar that Goopy keeps bragging about how perfect her divorce is and all her friends are over it, which is surprising to me since most of her friends seem about as pretentious as she is  (see: this pic).

“’Conscious uncoupling’ has become a joke among Gwyneth’s friend. All she’s doing is bragging about how peaceful her divorce is and how she and Chris planned it so perfectly that it is hardly disrupting their lives. Gwyneth has always thought she had the most perfect life and even though she’s getting a divorce and both of them are getting bad press she doesn’t care. She has become insufferable saying how happy she is with the way everything is evolving.”

Let me fix that for you, source: “She’s ALWAYS been insufferable.” There, that’s better.

Of course their break up hasn’t disrupted their lives. Before they publicly broke up, they were probably sleeping in different mansions and passing their fuck parts to different tricks and the only time they’d see each other’s faces was for a scheduled “we’re still together” public appearance. Not much has changed. The only thing that has really changed is that Chris Martin can now go to In-N-Out in his own car and he doesn’t have to wear a disguise. That’s probably why things are going so smoothly. Let a bitch have a Double Double and he’ll give you anything you want including custody of Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Goop.com Isn’t Making Enough Money And Is $1.2 Million In Debt

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

“Actually, we don’t like to use the word ‘debt’; it’s too traumatic and sounds low-class. Instead, we use the term ‘financially overleveraged’, which means that technically the money we have is not currently present in a tangible sense, but that we know we have money and are extremely secure in a spiritual understanding of finance.”Gwyneth Paltrow to her accountant.

If you happen to be browsing the office furniture section of Craigslist and see an ad for a bunch of imported cashmere desk chairs and a champaca oil-rubbed agarwood boardroom table, you’ll know why. According to corporate documents obtained by Radar, the world most pretentious website, Goop.com, is about two bounced cheques away from skipping town and living under the fictitious name Poop.biz. I don’t recommend you read the documents unless you get a boner for accounting and want to jerk it to pages and pages of numbers, so I’ll put on a shirt with a giant collar and sum it all up in the most Suze Orman way I can. Oh, by the way – all the numbers are in British pounds and not American dollars, because Goop has to be pretentious even when it’s talking about being a failing business:

1. Goop is the Lindsay Lohan of websites, spending way more than it actually makes. Like in 2012, when it spent £932,096, but only made £932,096. Or in 2011, when they only made £64,484 but spent £216,544. Shit, that’s a lot of organic cold-pressed kale juice.

2. Gwyneth and former CEO Sebastian Bishop gave themselves personal interest-free loans, to the tune of nearly £80,000. Sebastian has paid back about £13,000, and Gwyneth has paid back £0.

3. Despite losing more money than a toothy hooker at a blowjob convention, Gwyneth and Sebastian the Cash Crab gave themselves giant raises, going from £102,788 to £350,000. Congratulations on the raise, you two! You earned it! Writing the description for that $600 sleeveless vest must have taken HOURS.

So basically, what we have here is a classic case of writing a cheque that your ass can’t cash. Or several cheques. To yourself. Over and over again. And then wondering why the lights got shut off at Goop Inc. Then writing yourself another cheque.

And the most surprising thing from the Goop documents is that in 2012, £11,000 was spent on “recruitment”. Recruitment for what? Is Gwyneth starting her own insufferably pretentious army of WASPs? Lord help us.

Pic: Goop

Behold, The Basic Bitch Version Of The Seven Dwarfs

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).

On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.

Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.

Gwyneth Paltrow Threw Her Son A Non-Goopy 8th Birthday Party

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Usually when Gwyneth Paltrow has to plan a birthday party for one of her children, she’d simply remember back to the birthday parties she had as a child (she had a Sweet pre-16 party every year till she turned 16, at which point, she then had a coronation) and go from there. But Gwyneth is a struggling single mother now, and according to Us Weekly, on Saturday she was forced to throw her son Moses a basic 8th birthday party in (shudder) the backyard with (super-shudder) hot dogs:

“Everything took place in the backyard,” the insider tells Us, adding that the set-up of the driveway included blue ombre-faded balloons spelling out the letters “M-O-S-E-S” beside the number “8.” The guest list included 20 of Moses’ friends and a few of 9-year-old Apple’s pals, too.

For lunch, the kids and adults enjoyed delightful treats catered by food trucks, including gourmet hotdog vendor Dogtown Dogs and L.A.’s beloved “chow truck” India Jones. Specialties included hot dogs topped with Fritos and Indian street food like samosas, curry and Indian tacos, the source says.

Then after all the guests left, Gwyneth locked herself in the bathroom, where she spent the next 24-hours dry-heaving every time she remembered that time a Frito touched her son’s lips and wailing “I AM SUCH AN UNFORTUNATE SINGLE MOTHER!!!”

I know Gwyneth is trying to make down-to-earth Single Mom Gwyneth happen and wants us to believe that she had a backyard birthday party with hot dogs and balloons, but I’m calling organic cashmere bullshit. Let me pull out my crystal ball and tell you what really happened in the backyard of Castle Goopskull on Saturday. It began with parents dragging their kids up the driveway as they assured them “It’s only 2 hours, you’ll be fine”, followed by a couple party games like Musical Imported Chairs and Wash Your Hands, then everyone singing “Happy Birthday” in French before Moses blew out the candles on his glass of cold-pressed kale juice. Then the children were given a gift bag containing a Restorsea hand cream and a Tracy Anderson Method DVD and told to GTFO.

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