Streifans (or do they call themselves Barbrarians?) everywhere got verklempt in the loins today after Deadline reported that their god is possibly going to grace a Ryan Murphy show with her talent. Does that mean that Barbra Streisand is going to play herself in American Horror Story: Barbra Streisand’s Basement Mall? Or does it mean she’s going to play Jennifer Aniston in American Crime Story: The Time Harper’s Bazaar Put Jennifer Aniston In Streisand Drag. The answer is: neither. Barbra is “in talks” to do a brand new Ryan Murphy show for Netflix. Gwyneth Paltrow is also in talks to co-star. And now I’m picturing Barbra say, “Like buttah,” when Goopy asks her how her vagina feels after they get side-by-side coochie steaming during a break from filming.
We have kissing cousins galore back home in the South (how do you think I was Make-Out King of HeeHaw County three years in a row? Kidding! I got that from making out with a squirrel.), but a brother-sister fling is just taking things way too far! Or it could be the next Christmas list line item on Goop, as Gwyneth Paltrow went on late night TV to says she views ex-husband Chris Martin as a brother. Continue reading
Remember before there was a new gruesome rape story everyday and clowning on at-home coffee ass douche hawker Gwyneth Paltrow was one of our favorite things (it falls between raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)? Those were heady times. Let’s resurrect that sort of feel-good reporting with a post on Gwyneth Paltrow getting engaged. She’s marrying American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk. Continue reading
Every thinking person knows that the best way to start off the year is by squirting a quart of coffee up your anus. Good morning! That’s the Goop way and it’s the right way. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop sent out its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide and, according to The Huffington Post, it features a do-it-yourself coffee enema product. It’s called the, I kid you not, Implant O’Rama and is a steal at only $135 USD. Which is indeed a bargain considering she’s also hawking a $4,000 personal Sauna and a 1.7oz jar (about 3 tablespoons) of exfoliating facial mask that you are supposed to use three times a week but that Goop assures “GP uses daily” for $125.
If the rumors are true, then Gwyneth Paltrow might have an engagement ring (or “fidelity intention totem” as she calls it) on her finger from her boyfriend Brad Falchuk. And just to prove that Gwyneth Paltrow does both divorce and second marriages better than the rest of us, she gathered her ex-husband Chris Martin and her maybe secret fiancé for brunch yesterday.
Gwyneth Instagrammed the above picture yesterday with the caption: “Sunday brunch #modernfamily.” I know Gwyneth wants us to care that Chris Martin is sitting in the general vicinity of Brad Falchuk, but all I’m focused on is why the hell they’re sitting in front of a chalk board. Did Gwyneth treat them to brunch at a GOOP timeshare seminar? Does anyone know if Chris and Brad were treated to a piece of gluten-free tapioca toast smeared with raw coconut oil, but only if they sat through a 90-minute presentation about jade vagina eggs first?
I can’t be a total miser here; it’s nice that Gwyneth’s previous husband doesn’t seem to hate her next one. It’s a bit corny, but it’s miles better than the alternative (just ask Halle Berry). Even if both Chris and Brad look a little uncomfortable. Although Chris is probably all hunched up because his body isn’t used to being without a scarf for so long. He’s attempting to conserve heat before hypothermia sets in.
Get ready for an onslaught of Goop.com “How Middle-Aged Brides Can Still Look Virginal – A Vagina Steaming, That’s How!” stories to pop up over the next few months, because Gwyneth Paltrow might by tying the knot again. Continue reading