Category: Gwyneth Paltrow

Goopy Paltrow Owes All Of Her Success To Goopy Paltrow, Thankyouverymuch

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

David O. Russell says that his movie Joy (which to me, would’ve been an unwatchable bore if it wasn’t for Susan Lucci, Donna Mills and Isabella Rossellini hamming it up) was mostly based on the life of Huggable Hangers mogul Joy Mangano but is also based on the life of other business women who made something out of absolutely nothing. Well, David O made a wrong choice in choosing to base his hard-working business woman biopic on Joy Mangano because there’s a story out there of a lady entremanure (typo and it stay) who truly sweat, struggled and rubbed her wood pennies together to pull herself out of the slums of Santa Monica, CA and into the opulent life she built by herself and herself only!

Gwyneth Paltrow On Chris Martin: “He’s Like My Brother”

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.

“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”

Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).

Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.

And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.


Goopy Paltrow Isn’t Bothered By The Goop Heist And Think It’s Good Publicity

December 11, 2015 / Posted by:

When Goopy Paltrow found out that her Goop pop-up store in Manhattan got robbed of $173,000 in jooree last week, she didn’t scream for the guvnah or for Scotland Yard. Goopy queefed out a steamed ball of excitement over how much publicity her temporary emporium of way-overpriced shit would get. That’s how Goopy’s mom Blythe Danner makes it sound anyway. The thieves got away with a $106,000 vintage Bulgari bracelet, a $43,730 David Weiss bracelet and three Rolexes totaling $23,465. At the New York Women in Film & Television lunch, Page Six asked Blythe Danner about the Goop store getting burgled (Side note: I bust out a giggle on the inside every time I type “burgled.” It’s the litte things…) and she said that Goopy thinks it’s good publicity.

“I called her immediately. And she said, ‘Oh, Mom, it’s OK. It’s good publicity.’ She always has a good spin on things, and I admire her tenacity and her upbeat message.”

Page Six channeled their inner Detective La Toya and asked the question, “Was the heist at Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop store a publicity stunt?” The plot thickens like Goopy’s clit whenever she thinks about getting her vagina steamed. Goopy better find out how to make a vagina steamer out of a hot plate, an empty tin can and unfiltered tap water in prison, because Page Six is on the case. But seriously…

Goopy doesn’t care, because I’m sure all that crap was insured and even though her head is firmly shoved up delusion’s ass, she probably knows that nobody was ever going to buy that crap anyway. So Goop will probably get their money back (hmmm…).  But I don’t think she would care even if it wasn’t insured. Goopy flushes $173,000 down her toilet almost every week. No, really the liquid gold and pink dolphin tears enema she gives herself every week costs $173,000.

And here’s possible criminal STUNT QUEEN Goopy Paltrow at Rob Lowe’s Walk of Fame ceremony in Hollywood the other day.

Pics:, Splash

Goopy Paltrow’s Pop-Up Shop Got Robbed Of $173K Worth Of Shit

December 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Since wealthy bitches need more stores where they can show how rich they are by buying a bunch of overpriced crap without blinking, Goop opened up its own pop-up shop for the holidays in Manhattan. (Side note: Goopy Paltrow is so obsessed with shitting, so I’m surprised she didn’t open up a poop-up shop where people can get panda saliva enemas and $425 colon cleanses.) Page Six says that on Saturday, Goop’s pop-up shop, which is full of the usual necessities like $1,100 Wonder Woman mom shorts, got burgled! Don’t worry, the thieving thieves didn’t take those $1,100 Wonder Woman mom shorts so you can still use most of your rent money to buy them.


Gwyneth Paltrow Is Saving Her Pink Oscar Dress For Apple Martin’s Prom

December 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Huh. I would have figured that Gwyneth Paltrow would have had one of her minions turn the Pepto pink taffeta Ralph Lauren gown she wore to the 1999 Academy Awards into a collection of bidet polishing rags (it is a sixteen-seasons old Ralph Lauren, after all). But apparently she’s been hanging on to it in hopes that one day her daughter, Apple Martin, might slip it on and stare at herself in the mirror, thinking “Oh my god, I look like I’m wearing a duvet cover from Barbie’s Dream House.

Gwyneth told PeopleStyle that she’s been saving all her fancy couture gowns for years for Apple, even before Apple was Apple. Goopy says that she started putting shit away twelve years before Apple was born in 2004, and she’s been hoarding ever since. Goopy saved every Oscar dress (Hey goth saggy titty dress!), but it’s that famous pink one that she thinks will be the first to be pulled out of mothballs and given the Febreze treatment. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goopy would ever be so gauche as to spritz her garments with anything less than organic spring water from a $270 leather-bound Hermes atomizer.

“Maybe she’ll wear it to prom and do a Pretty in Pink thing and resew it and cut it up. I don’t know if I’d let her chop that one up.”

Instead, Gwyneth will personally call up her good friend Ralph Lauren and tell him to throw together a My First Pretty in Pink Prom Dress Experience kit, including a replica of her pink Oscar gown, a 24k gold sewing machine, and 3 bobbins of thread pulled from the ass of the world’s rarest and most expensive silkworm. And if Ralph really wanted to go the extra mile, he would also include a little set of instructions featuring a picture of Andie’s prom dress and a note that says “Whatever you do, don’t make it look like this“, because let’s be honest, that dress was TRAGIC.


Coldplay Is Doing The Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show

December 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And now you know what Chris Martin’s face looked like as he lived out his wet dream fantasy by furiously fucking a Whopper minutes after his marriage to Goopy Paltrow ended.

Sadly, Left Shark isn’t headlining its own Super Bowl Halftime Show next year. Nearly every website on earth says that Coldplay is headlining the Halftime Show on February 7, 2016 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA. That decision makes sense. Pepsi is sponsoring the Halftime Show again, and they know that when you fall into a coma while watching Chris Martin warble out songs, you’ll need to wake yourself up by injecting gallons of their stuff into your veins. Pepsi, I know your game!

Coldplay’s new album comes out tomorrow and Beyonce, Noel Gallagher, Tove Lo and even Goopy Paltrow sing on it. So any of them could join Coldplay on stage. UsWeekly says that Bruno Mars, who did the Halftime Show in 2014, is going to be involved somehow.

While I am looking forward to seeing Goopy Paltrow fill with rage as Chris Martin steps out of a giant replica of Jennifer Lawrence’s pussy before singing that song he wrote about boning her, the Super Bowl people should’ve done something extra special. I mean, it is the 50th Super Bowl. They should’ve brought back the greatest Halftime Show performers in history: Up With People!


Terrence Howard Just Fell The Hell In Love With Goopy Paltrow

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.

You Kan Always Kount On Kim Kardashian To Bring Plenty Of Klass And Sophistikation To An Event

November 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’sDon’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.

The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.

We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar  Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.

Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.

Pics: Splash,

Goop Burps Up The Old “Bras Give You Cancer” Myth

October 21, 2015 / Posted by:

GOOP is at it again. Dr. Goopy Paltrow recently got a whole lot of shit thrown at her when she claimed on Instagram that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out. Some medical experts said that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out the insufferableness that fills your system when you read Goop, it’ll probably make your flu worse. Goopy got even more shit thrown at her again when Goop queefed out a cloud of cold steam in the form of a post about how wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.

Uptight Broomstick Praises Uptight Broomstick

October 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.

“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.

I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”

Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.

Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.

Pics:, Instagram

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