The amount of eye rolls and laughter directed at rich white lady caricature Gwyneth Paltrow and her website of swindling GOOP has recently increased. Gwyneth’s most recent ludicrous and potentially hazardous product shill has been for jade eggs that women can insert into their most beautiful and life-giving orifice, to increase pelvic-floor strength and sexual satisfaction.
Everyone except the nanny-jealousy-stricken Lululemon Goop Gestapo set found this laughable. One doctor found it to be potentially dangerous. Gwyneth didn’t do her website any favors when she went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and admitted she’d never used her own vagine as an incubator for jade eggs. Well, Goop is now in damage control mode. They’re striking back and would like everybody to have a tall drink of Haterade and shut the eff up! They have doctors who didn’t get their medical licenses in the Caribbean who can back this shit up! And how dare you stifle
their sales of silly jade hoo-ha eggs their free speech? It’s anti-feminist or something! Continue reading
I wish I could say this was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow called up NASA and asked if they could get to work on creating a zero-gravity vaginal steaming booth for her. Rather, this is about NASA calling out the dubious claims of something dumb and expensive that was shilled on Goop.com.
Organic, cruelty-free snake oil saleslady Goopy Paltrow was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to push her latest scheme, $90 vitamin subscriptions. Since she was there to talk about Goop, Jimmy Kimmel brought up a few of the crazy/dumb/fucked-up/all-of-the-above things that her site has suggested that their readers do. Things like walk barefoot on the earth, squat pee and shove a jade egg up their cooze. Jimmy Kimmel wanted Goopy to explain some of that shit, and with one of them, she couldn’t, because she knew nothing about it. Bless the Goop fans who struggled while holding a jade egg in their cooch as they squat peed into a dirt hole with their bare feet on the soil because they believe Goopy herself did that too.
The world always needs laughs, but the world really needs laughs after today’s Trump news that is making the planet cry aerosol tears of sadness. So, an interview from my favorite comedian Goopy Paltrow was farted up onto the internet at the right time. Goopy did an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Refinery29) where she continued to prove that the dingles she sharts out while defending Goop are as precious as the articles on Goop themselves.
Goopy Paltrow, Who Once Said That She’ll Never Go To The Met Gala Again, Was At This Year’s Met Gala
The lady on the left (aka my hero) is either throwing a looking that says, “This bitch has the nerve showing up after shitting on this event,” or she just inhaled one of Goopy’s artisanal locally-sourced farts. Goopy must’ve gotten gas from the organic chickpea skin and dragon fruit water cleanse she went on to get into her Calvin Klein dress.
Four years ago, Goopy Paltrow raised her nose up at the Met Gala and basically said she’d rather get boned by a can of spray cheese in the middle of a Golden Corral while wearing Old Navy than go again.
“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”
But look at what the $25,000 pure bred Bengal cat dragged into tonight’s Met Gala.
Goopy has created an evil union of pretentious horror by teaming up with Anna Wintour for Goop the Magazine, so that’s probably why she decided to taint her Cle de Peau Beaute-covered delicate skin with the sweat fumes of common peasants. Goopy did it for business reasons. So she can totally write off the gallons of Purellé: Black Label she’s going to bathe in to rid her body of the provincial stench of the Met Gala. But really, whenever you’re going through some serious shit and suffering in a real way, remember the time that Goopy Paltrow plugged her nose and went into the sauna of plebeian sweat that is the Met Gala. Let that brave moment inspire you. If Goopy can go back to the Met Gala after the traumatic experience she went through, you can do anything.
And here’s more of Goopy proving that she don’t give a fuck about the Met Gala by wearing the slip version of her 1999 Oscar dress.
Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!
Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.