Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!
Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.
“So help me god if the cheap ChapStick on his mouth gives me a $0.99 rash on my organic cheek” is what I imagine Goopy is thinking through that tight smile.
In case you’re not familiar with the concept of the “Free Pass“, it’s an invisible pretend coupon that one person presents to the person they’re with that grants them permission to do stuff with whomever they want. Sometimes it’s someone famous, like Jon Hamm or ScarJo or Jessie Spano’s hot step-brother Eric. Sometimes it’s a person you know, like the sexy cashier who gives you a wink when you buy butt cream at CVS. For Robert Downey Jr., the name written on his Free Pass is “Gwyneth Paltrow.”
RDJ was on The Howard Stern Show yesterday (via UsWeekly) to pimp out his latest reason for receiving a giant paycheck. After hinting that Gwyneth’s Iron Man character will probably make an appearance in another Marvel movie, the conversation turned to how his wife, Susan Downey, is totally fine with her husband making out with Gwyneth on-screen.
“I’m very happily married … but I guess I could dream a bit. My ‘free pass’ is, because her and Susan are such good friends, is Paltrow. I gotta get her back in these movies, so I can make out with her on screen again.”
However, that doesn’t mean that Robert Downey Jr. has permission to hump on Gwyneth in his Iron Man trailer during lunch. RDJ says his wife doesn’t care what happens while the cameras are rolling, but that’s about as far as his Free Pass goes.
That’s pretty loose definition of a Free Pass. No fucking? Free Passes must work differently in Hollywood. Maybe it’s because so many on-screen make-outs have turned into a call to the housekeeper asking them to pack up their stuff and send it in a cab to their co-star’s house. That’s probably what Susan meant with that Free Pass. “Okay, you can kiss on Gwyneth as much as you want. But I swear to god, if you come home one day smelling like mugworth steam…”
Sometime-actress and full-time snobby rich lady Gwyneth Paltrow is currently peddling her new cookbook, It’s All Easy, which is all about quick, easy recipes. You know, like the kind a single mom makes when her chef needs the evening off (how rude) before the kids’ Italian lesson in Brentwood. Sometimes you don’t have enough time to make an organic quail roast with heirloom morels and artisanal ramps, so you just throw together whatever one of the housekeepers put in the Sub-Zero, you know?
Gwyneth is apparently all about the easy food, hence the name It’s All Easy. But Goopy’s version of easy is very different from the easy of the uncultured poors. For example, you won’t find Gwyneth keeping things easy at dinnertime by reheating yesterday’s pizza. While talking to Entertainment Tonight yesterday, Gwyneth admitted that there isn’t a microwave at Castle Goopskull, because EW, are you kidding?? Gwyneth would never!
“I do not own a microwave. No. I believe in the old-fashioned way of heating things up.”
According to Gwyneth in It’s All Easy: “It’s really not so tough to put an oven on or gasoline steaming. It’s like five minutes.” You hear that, you lazy oafs? Stop trying to cut corners with your plastic radiation box and start gasoline streaming like a goddamn human being already. Jesus, it’s like, five minutes. Are you that impatient? You know what, maybe you don’t deserve to know how to make 10-minute harissa-glazed razor clam with pickled daikon and preserved lemon foam.
Another thing you won’t find in Goopy’s kitchen: dill. Gwyneth Paltrow hates dill! Or as Gwyneth says, “It really offends me.” Poor dill. Oh well, more delicious dill pickles for the rest of us. Well, at least until some fancy anti-aging specialist tells Gwyneth that dill enemas are the new bee stings, at which point we’ll be fighting a dill-hoarding Gwyneth for the last jar.
Here’s more of the Regina George to dill and microwave’s Janice and Damien signing books at Barnes & Noble yesterday.
Goopy Paltrow is out on the stroll pushing another cookbook for you peasants who really want to find yourself asking the butcher at Stater Bros., “Um, do you happen to have organic seed-fed emu meat that’s been blessed by an Australian shaman before being flown to the US on a private jet in a cooler made of locally sourced polyethylene?” And when Goopy is out there pushing anything, she somehow manages to drop some eye rolling fuel into our brains.
During an interview with Self, Goopy’s mouth squirted out a brand new fact. Goopy let it be known that intelligent, businesswomen and mothers like herself have sex! Yes, Goopy wants everyone to know that she drops her freshly-steamed punane on dick:
“We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex! How is an intelligent woman a sexual being? It’s really hard to integrate those things. Like, ‘Gwyneth has sex? Really?’ It doesn’t seem to go together. But I think it’s important, as mothers and as women contributing to society in whatever way we each are, that our true sexuality doesn’t get lost or put aside.”
Goopy Paltrow is about as sexual as a boiled alfalfa sprout, but I still figured she fucked. I mean, how else is she going to test out $900 white rhino saliva lube before selling it on GOOP? And how else is she going to write about how using bee stings (aka nature’s penis pump) to plump up your man’s dick may enhance his performance?
But my eyeballs did stop and roll over her saying, “We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex!” I know that it would take several 2-ton anvils, a herd of elephants, 4 tanks and plasma ropes to bring Goopy down to earth, but if she was on the same planet as us, she’d know that supreme businesswoman, mother and goddess of sex Alexis Carrington taught us that a long time ago.
And here’s the intelligent businesswoman, mother and sexual being at JFK in NYC last night.
If someone was ever to ask me when was the first time I experienced a 100 proof What The Fuck moment, I’d tell them that it was probably when I was 4 or 5 and watched my barefoot abuelita in a housedress catch a flying bee with her fingers and sting her leg with it. If I knew what drugs were back then, I probably would’ve guessed that my abuelita spiked the tamarindo drink she made me earlier with some kind of hallucinogenic, because it was fucked up. My mom later told me that my abuelita stung herself with bees, because it helped her arthritis. There must be some kind of hidden lair in the mountains where abuelitas earn their black belts in chancelta-wielding and also learn how to sneak up on a bee all quiet-like.
Whenever I see a bee, I expect to see a stealth abuelita take off her house slippers so she can silently tiptoe up to it and snatch it before disappearing into yonder. But now whenever I see a bee, I’m going to think of the poor thing staring deep into Goopy Paltrow’s face right before it dies. While pimping out GOOP’s new skincare line in an interview with The New York Times (via People), Goopy admits that she’s been pricked by a bee before. Now, I do believe that life is better when you’ve got a bunch of pricks on your face, but Goopy isn’t talking about those kind of pricks. Goopy is talking about bee pricks and says that she’s stung herself in the name of beauty!
But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.
Those poor ass bees. Nicolas Cage hates them, ninja abuelitas are always trying to murder them and now this! They probably felt a slight satisfaction from causing Goopy pain by stinging her in the ass, and now she’s taken that away by telling them that she actually likes it and embraces it. Damn that Goopy! She really has to go and ruin everything.
You know the saying “you are what you eat”? Yes. You do. You also know that whole thing about hang around trash too long and you’ll start stinking? Yeah. That too. Well, there’s a reason sayings become sayings, cliches becomes cliches and the DListed writers drink. Because they’re true! We can all check another thing off on that list of “duh” and “wow I’m so surprised” – Chris Martin. He’s consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow but it seems that he hasn’t consciously uncoupled from her antics, approach to life and how to act like a normal human… who happens to have all the money in the world and “enjoys” things like macrobiotic meals and organic bird foot facials.
Page Six is reporting that while Coldplay – the band that is the answer to every white man’s favorite band section on Match.com – were performing on Today earlier in the week, Chris got treated like a precious dew drop while his bandmates were treated like buckets of mop water. It was pissing down rain while they “entertained” a crowd of people that are clearly fucking insane for waking up that early to see Coldplay. After their set was done, handlers and assistants ran to La Preciosa Diamante Muy Delicata, Chris, with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and those blankets runners get after a marathon and blowdryers and a mink burpy cloth and a chaise lounge, but the other members of the band got jack shit. They didn’t even get a Shamwow thrown at them by a sleazy producer saying “wipe ya self off kid, ya look like a slut“.
A rep for the band responded by saying that “this is absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining. Pouring, actually, freezing-cold rain.” And except that he forgot there were other people in Coldplay, right? I did. I thought it was just Chris Martin and some time out dolls he dresses up in hemp t-shirts with vaguely *spiritual* symbols on them. The band apparently stayed after the show to hang out with member of the Vehicular Manslaughter Club, former first lady Laura Bush (other members include Brandy Norwood, Rebecca Gayheart and Caitlyn Jenner). I don’t know what’s less believable – that Coldplay’s handlers give a shit about any of the other band members or that the band hung out with Laura Bush.
“Darling, will you be a dear and help a fellow Englishwoman out by holding my martini glass for a second? I must run off and feed my vagine a scoop of Moon Dust. It seems to be ravenous and is starting to chew on my onesie. Thanks, love!” – Goopy Paltrow to Rosie Huntington-Whateverly right after that picture was taken.
The Hollywood Reporter named their Power Stylists of 2016 and Goopy Paltrow’s stylist Elizabeth Saltzman made the list, so last night, she showed up to a dinner in L.A. to celebrate the issue. Three things:
1. Yes, Goopy Paltrow wore this 70s space B-movie ridiculousness to an event honoring the most powerful stylists in Hollywood. THAT is the pink hospital curtain ugliness that Elizabeth Saltzman chose to show off her styling skills. Maybe Elizabeth Saltzman is kind of like some of us? Maybe Elizabeth decided to fuck with Goopy. Maybe she told Goopy that she looks so hot and her pussy looks so perky in that jumpsuit, but then turned around and whispered to a style assistant, “She looks like Mr. Blobby’s dick.” But well, looking like Mr. Blobby’s dick is still better than looking like you’re wearing a jumpsuit that Buffalo Bill made out of discarded foreskins. If Elizabeth Saltzman is screwing with her, I officially declare my love for Elizabeth Saltzman. Keep up the great work!
2. If Goopy was trying to go for the “fuck effort Gumby cosplay using waffle towels from the 99 Cent store” look, then she nailed it.
3. That jumpsuit sort of reminds me of that creepy Awkward-Family-Photo-gone-wrong picture that has haunted the Internet for years. Therefore that jumpsuit needs to be torched, and its ashes need to be stashed in a place that no soul will ever, ever find it (like behind a Mortdecai DVD at Best Buy).
Totally normal and down to earth backyard pizza oven enthusiast and hawker of shit that, really, no one needs, Gwyneth Goopy Paltrow is back talkin’ bout her ssssoooooo amazing life. Yes, she is consciously uncoupled. And yes, she can give you the best recipe ever for $64 potato salad. But! But! Did you know that she also travels? She does! A lot, actually! And not just for work. No. For fun too!
No, that isn’t an Instagram filter, you peasant trash! It is the natural aura of opulence glowing off of Goopy Paltrow and Apple Martin’s face skin after getting luxury face treatments, thankyouverymuch.
The Daily Mirror has a story about how Goopy Paltrow regularly takes Chris Martin’s girl twin to get $200 facials from Hollywood beauty guru Sonya Dakar. Goopy (whose crazy stalker just got acquitted of allegedly stalking her again) apparently believes that it’s never too early to pay someone hundreds of dollars to pop your non-existent blackheads.
The Mirror also points out that Sonya Dakar’s specialities include a facial where she injects snake venom into your mug to freeze your muscles and a stem cell facial, which is apparently Goopy’s favorite kind of facial (too easy).
The source said this about Goopy and her mini-Goopy-in-training’s mother/daughter $200 beauty regimen:
“She loves it. She said ‘Mummy, you have to go only to Sonya.’ She’s so into health. Gwyneth has seen Sonya countless times and believes prevention is better than cure. She looks better than ever and thinks it is never too early to start taking care of yourself. There is nothing invasive about the facials and Apple really enjoys them. It is simply a fun mother-daughter bonding day out and something they love doing together.”
The truth is, this story doesn’t seem right at all to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if Goopy gets her team of lawyers involved. It’s kind of irresponsible journalism from The Daily Mirror. I mean, the only way Goopy would get a $200 facial is if she lost her fortune and became a poor! The Mirror must have screwed up and didn’t add a zero or two to that price. I doubt that Goopy would let anything that doesn’t cost at least 4 figures touch her face or her daughter’s face. And if Apple Martin went to Sonya Dakar and asked for a treatment that cost only $200, Goopy would immediately clutch her own bony chest, gasp and apologize to the staff while shuffling her daughter out the door in embarrassment. “Dear God above, I’ve failed as a mum” is what she’d say as she ran out and hid her face in shame over the fact that one of her own children asked for a treatment that a poor person can practically afford!
David O. Russell says that his movie Joy (which to me, would’ve been an unwatchable bore if it wasn’t for Susan Lucci, Donna Mills and Isabella Rossellini hamming it up) was mostly based on the life of Huggable Hangers mogul Joy Mangano but is also based on the life of other business women who made something out of absolutely nothing. Well, David O made a wrong choice in choosing to base his hard-working business woman biopic on Joy Mangano because there’s a story out there of a lady entremanure (typo and it stay) who truly sweat, struggled and rubbed her wood pennies together to pull herself out of the slums of Santa Monica, CA and into the opulent life she built by herself and herself only!