What would we do without the high priestess of everything teaching us her ways? All you ladies would be running around with wrinkly pussy lips and we’d all be embarrassing ourselves by yawning like piece of trash lvasants. Goopy Paltrow has returned to show us how to piss in the shower the right way. If you’ve been emptying your bladder in the toilet or pissing in the shower while standing, you’ve been doing it wrong and you should be ashamed of your not-knowing ass.
Because I sometimes care about my brain, I’ve never pictured how Goopy pisses. But if I had to guess, I’d say that she whizzed out an organic stream of piss into a marble basin and that organic piss is later distilled, mixed with cardamon seeds, bottled and sold for $675 as cleansing elixir on GOOP.com. But according to Goopy, she pisses in the shower. But of course, there’s a GOOP-approved way to do it.
In the new edition of GOOP, the Internet journal of insufferableness that is the reason why we all have the ability to roll our eyes, she gets into the “secrets of the pelvic floor.” Yes, Goopy’s pelvic floor is better than your pelvic floor and not just because it’s covered in imported Spanish limestone instead of builder-grade linoleum like yours. It’s better because she works it out all the time. Goopy says that you need to work out your pelvic floor and you can do so with coochie clenches (aka kegels) and by fucking. But another way you can work it out is by squat pissing in the shower. Let Goopy show you how to do golden showers the right way!
Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.
I can already see a bunch of messes falling over and cracking their hip bones while trying to pee in the shower GOOP-style. Goopy has an unfair advantage, because she can easily just pull the stick out of her ass until it hits the tile and sit on that as she pisses. And I bet that after Goopy finishes in the shower, she gets her live-in contractor to tear all the tile out and re-tile, because pissing in the shower is only okay if it’s brand new. Otherwise it’s unhygienic and tacky!
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
You may have thought that there’s only one to step to yawning: Step 1. Watch Mortdecai. But if you’ve been doing that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.
Goopy Paltrow used to be an uneducated yawner like all of us until she met a high priest of yawning who enlightened her in the spiritual art of yawning. The rich used to think that yawning was only something the weak, rude, uncouth peasants did, but it’s a new day. While proving that she has a gift for making absolutely anything sound pretentious as hell, Goopy writes in a piece on GOOP (via The Guardian) about how she learned how to perfect the yawn from Michael Lear, “a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation.”
Goopy and Yogi Michael were having dinner one night when he noticed that she was trying to hold in a yawn. Yogi Michael let Goopy know to let it all out, because yawning is a necessity of life and it isn’t rude or a sign of boredom. It’a stress reliever. Goopy says that after her first yawn, Michael yawned and they had a back-and-forth yawn fest for a good 60 seconds. The other people in the restaurant probably looked at them, shrugged and thought, “Oh, that’s just a natural reaction to Goopy.”
Despite recent whispers that she was done rubbing her parched parts on her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, People says Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk were spotted driving from an airport to a hotel in Rome together on Thursday. Unless Brad is making a little extra cash as Goopy’s personal assistant, that probably means they’re together.
A source, who sounds like they’re gunning for a copywriting job at GOOP.com, tells People that Gwyneth and Brad were “serene and pleased in each other’s company, happy.” The reason Gwyneth was in Rome was to sit in the front row of a Valentino couture show yesterday. In the event you want to see what it looks like when Goopy is about to scream at the GPS for not addressing her as “Ms. Paltrow“, People has a couple pictures of Goopchuck driving around Rome. In a (shudder) rental car. I’m sure the first thing Goopy hissed when Brad pulled around with their rental car was “Excuse me? What in the fuck is that piece of shit. We’re in Rome. Where’s my 70 BC golden chariot? You think Julius Caesar would been seen in a LeBaron? Christ, Brad, get it together. I’M GWYNETH PALTROW!”
First Jennifer Lawrence goes back to Chris Martin, then Brad Falchuk returns to Goopy? Does Neil deGrasse Tyson know anything about the possible gravitational pull of crotches? Because I’m starting to think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have some kind of smug gravitational pull that prevents their partners from leaving their orbit.
And here’s Gwyneth looking like the sugar-free vanilla creme in the middle of Giancarlo Giammetti and Valentino’s sexy orange sandwich cookie.
Grab a bottle of imported sparkling swan tears and pour one out for Gwyneth Paltrow’s current relationship, because it’s probably dead. According to Life & Style (via The Daily Mail), Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to uncouple from her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk. A friend of the come-to-life corn broom says that she wants to end whatever she had with Brad because all they did was fight.
“Gwyneth is breaking up with him. Things got very serious very fast, but lately all they did was fight all the time and she’s tired of it. Gwyn likes things a certain way and Brad didn’t cater to her, so they ended up bickering over the smallest things. She can be very fussy when it comes to food and Brad isn’t. Sometimes he just wanted to go out for a burger, which drove her crazy.”
I guess this means Brad won’t be joining The Goop Troop on their upcoming Hawaiian family vacation. “That lucky bastard” said Jennifer Lawrence.
So far neither Gwyneth nor Brad have said anything about their relationship, but I’m sure we’ll hear about their break up once Gwyneth decides to write about it for Goop.com. “Listen up, peasants. You may have heard that I had to dump my boyfriend after he tried to feed me a burger. I literally can’t even with that shit. A BURGER! I’m sorry, but was the invitation-only organic butcher shoppe out of hand-carved Wagyu beef spleen? And the burger was on a bun. Not an aged plank of Brazilian Rosewood or wrapped in a page from the Gutenberg Bible. Like, obvious I had to dump his ass. In the words of TLC, I don’t want no scrub.“
That’s the face of someone who just realized they’re about to spend an entire week stuck on an island with a person who will definitely ask if the ice in their Mai Tai was made from artisanal hand-collected volcanic water that was filtered through the petals of an organic molokai flower.
Even though every time Gwyneth Paltrow calls up Jennifer Lawrence for a girl-hang, it probably goes straight to her machine, she’s still trying to make friends with her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. An “insider” tells Radar that Goopy is planning another beach vacation with Chris Martin and their kids, and this time she wants his girlfriend to come too. Radar says she’s also inviting her secret-not-secret boyfriend, American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, and they’re all going to Hawaii. I think that might be the first time a week in Hawaii has ever sounded like a total nightmare.
“Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and she wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children. The plan is to spend a week together in Hawaii, as soon as all their schedules permit, but definitely before the end of summer.”
Of course, the insider says Jennifer Lawrence is “dreading” it, but she can’t talk Chris Martin out of it, because he’s still “spellbound” by Goopy. Spellbound? Um, are we sure that’s not just the result of a lack of oxygen to his brain from one of his scarves being tied too tight?
At the very least, JLaw could always make the best of a bad situation by trying to sneak SPAM into Gwyneth’s vegan palm leaf wraps and laughing when she asks “Oooh, what’s in this? It’s delicious!”
Here’s Goopy’s pre-sunrise beach cardio pilates partner with a whole bunch of hair extensions on her head walking from her car to her apartment in NYC yesterday.
Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks It’s “Slightly Misogynistic” To Compare GOOP To Other Actresses’ Lifestyle Websites
That’s a “Hush, peasants – Goopy is speaking” hand if I’ve ever seen one.
I know it’s going to seem like you’ve already heard this story once this week, but trust me – this story about a wealthy out-of-touch blonde actress-type complaining about her online lifestyle website is totally different, I swear. The Countess of Corn Brooms Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to TIME about the rich lady lifestyle website that has launched a million eye-rolls, GOOP.com. And even though there are a bunch more lifestyle websites by famous actresses out there now, Gwyneth isn’t here for the endless comparisons to GOOP. Pay attention, poors – Goopy wants you to stop comparing GOOP to Blake Lively’s Preserve and Reese Witherspoon’s Draper James., because it’s rude and “slightly misogynistic” and they’re totally different websites, you guys!
“Trust me, we’ll make a killing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to buy a $35 dehydrated lotus root cracker smeared with a tapenade of hand-mashed organic grass? My parched mouth is practically watering just thinking about it!”
Good news, everyone who loves gluten-free fat-free soy-free dairy-free moisture-free low-calorie food-style edible substances and has a fuckload of money burning a hole in their wallet: Gwyneth Paltrow has branched out into the pre-made food business! Gwyneth, along with the Marcie to her Peppermint Patty, Tracy Anderson, and their business partner Maria Baum have launched a food take-out company called 3 Green Hearts. I bet Goopy thought up that name during a meeting with her cardiologist. “You need to take it easy on the kale, Ms. Paltrow – your heart is almost 98% chlorophyll.”
I was going to have an 8th cup of coffee (aka non-organic, peon coffee beans that didn’t come out of the ass of a weasel cat in Indonesia) with a spoonful of Coffee-Mate (aka processed toxic powder), but now I don’t need it! Nothing gives me a quick pick-me-up like reading what Goopy Paltrow has to say about diet and stuff. It’s eyeball calisthenics time!
It was only two years ago when Goopy wrote about how her family is allergic to everything so they stay away from carbs, dairy and chicken eggs and sometimes it leaves their stomachs singing the chorus of Annie Lenox’s Why. But since Goopy is still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, she has come down from her sky high ivory tower to mingle with us McDonald’s-eating peasants and let us know that sometimes her children eat the same dumpster food we do and it’s okay. During an interview with Women’s Health (via People and UsWeekly), the failed poor person gooped at the mouth about her diet philosophy and also said that one of the keys to living a healthy life is to get her goop hole gooped as much as possible.
That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?
A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.
Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.
In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.