Goldie Hawn Is Finally Back On The Big Screen!

Goldie Hawn hasn’t been in a movie since 2002’s The Banger Sisters, which is beyond shameful. But Goldie Hawn is finally back.

The official trailer for Amy Schumer’s latest “Wah, I’m a mess!” movie, Snatched, was released today. If you’re looking at that screengrab above and wondering if it’s a spiritual sequel to Snatch starring living Gerald Scarfe drawings, it’s not. Goldie and Amy play a mother and daughter who go on vacation to South America, where shit immediately goes down after Amy meets a hot guy at a bar. They get kidnapped by South American gangsters. It’s like Trainwreck meets How Stella Got Her Groove Back meets the Bolivian part of Scarface, all wrapped up in a package that will make you want to take a shower. They’re so grimy-looking in this movie.

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Amy Schumer Isn’t Sorry For Her “Formation” Video

Last Saturday, Tidal released a video of Amy Schumer, Goldie Hawn, Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack lip-synching to Beyonce’s  Formation while on the set of their new movie Mother/Daughter. The internet wasn’t feeling Amy Schumer lip syncing about baby hairs and hot sauce and whatnot. The Beyhive and Twitter got in formation and slapped at her for the video they thought was tasteless. Amy Schumer responded twice to the people callng her out. Surprisingly, neither response was a video of her saying Sorry in face paint while Maria Sharapova twerked around her.

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Not Being Married Is Keeping Goldie Hawn And Kurt Russell Together

Yesterday, Michael made a comment while writing about the latest couple to be visited by the Grim Reaper of Relationships that now is the time to hope and pray that the next celebrity relationship to bite the dust isn’t Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s. The good news is, it probably won’t be. According to Goldie, if you want to read the words “Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell SPLIT” on the cover of UsWeekly, you’re going to have to go back in time and convince them to get married.

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Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton And Bette Midler Are Reuniting For A Movie That Isn’t A Sequel To “The First Wives Club”

Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler said hell no to a sequel to the highly quotable classic The First Wives Club, because even though it made millions upon million of dollars and was a success, the studio’s offer was trash. They were offered the same deal they got for the first movie. So a First Wives Club sequel never happened (but you know those evil demons of Hollywood are planning to do a reboot starring Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Amy Schumer). But Deadline says that the three are reuniting for a Netflix movie. Since Netflix is in the reuniting mood, can they please reunite the cast of 9 to 5 by putting Dolly Parton on Grace & Frankie?!

Deadline says that Goldie, Diane and Bette will star in a movie called Divanation, which is also the name of Mariah Carey’s city on Sim City Build-It. The three of them will play the member of a once-popular girl group who had a messy split and are forced to reunite after 30 years of not seeing each other’s faces. Producers are currently looking for a director and the second draft is being written right now.

I know the plot doesn’t really fit and they’re too old, but I still hope that Divanation is a Wilson Phillips biopic starring Goldie as Chynna Phillips, Diane Keaton as Wendy Wilson and Bette Midler as Carnie Wilson.

And the only way Divanation could get any better is if the producers get Elizabeth Berkley to recreate the Oscar-worthy performance she gave as Victor Garber’s underage trophy piece (yeah, she played 16, it’s make believe) in First Wives Club.

Pic: Getty

And Three Seconds Later, Brit Brit Spears Devoured Her Whole

As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.

Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.

If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.

There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.

Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Instagram

“Cooooooooooooooke?”

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.