That’s a low ass sum since the gold nut nuggets that Jeff Bezos’ jizzes out are worth twice as much as that.
We already know that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving brother Michael Sanchez is probably the one who sold his sister’s cringeworthy sexts (although, aren’t all sexts cringeworthy?) with Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos to The National Enquirer. But now the Wall Street Journal says that Michael Sanchez did Lauren dirty (just call him Dirty Sanchez) for the price of $200,000. Sure, $200,000 is $200,000, but I’m wondering if Michael Sanchez ever strolled over to the billionaire turtle and said, “So, future-brother-in-law, the Enquirer offered me 200k for those pics of your dick, but my finger could find its way to the delete button if you just so happen to cough a diamond into my palm. I mean that literally, I just watched you cough diamonds into your cashmere handkerchief.”
Kim Kardashian is back to doing mitzvahs. She’s just agreed to pay Matthew Charles’ rent for the next 5 years after he was rejected from renting an apartment in Nashville due to his criminal record. Not only that, Kim may have been marginally helpful in getting the bill passed that prompted Matthew’s release from prison in the first place. According to CNN, Kim’s been doing slightly more than Oval Office photo ops in her quest to become the Harriet Tubman of Calabasas. Not only did she successfully lobby Donald Trump to commute the sentence of Alice Marie Johnson last summer, she’s been credited with helping get a prison reform bill called The First Step Act passed.
I get it. College students live off of crappy fast food most days of their lives. However, if you win a national championship doesn’t your belly deserve more than something designed to make you waste a day in the bathroom with the bubbleguts? Donald Trump doesn’t seem to think so, because back in January he threw the best 13 year-old’s birthday party in history when he served up heart attack-inducing vittles to the Clemson Tigers. I guess he figured a month was long enough to open the doors to McDonaldTrump’s once again and serve more heat lamp ready food to another group of athletes from North Dakota State University, who were in town celebrating their NCAA Football Championship Subdivision win. However, they truly lost the battle of healthy eating once they walked into the White House to receive a bunch of dollar menu items on silver platters.
Imagine you’re at home, minding your own business, and you look out the window to see some mustachioed fiend standing outside gripping a pillow. He doesn’t look bothered, in fact he’s grinning like an idiot, despite the fact that it’s freezing outside and he’s not wearing a coat. You might think he was some sort of deranged imbecile who thinks that Trump was chosen by God to become President. And you’d be right! That’s what happened to a Jordan, Minnesota resident who called the police to report a seriously fucked up looking person standing outside in the cold. But because they are nice in Minnesota, they only called so that the police could do a wellness check on the person. Turns out the guy was more fucked up than he looked. When the police got there, they found him stiff as a board! Turns out it was a cardboard cutout of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, and he actually believes Trump was appointed by God.
Lauren Sanchez’s Pro-Trump Brother Is Probably The Source Of The Leaked Texts Given To The National Enquirer
Well, it turns out Jeff Bezos didn’t accidentally leave his dick pics on the photocopier at work after all. As he suspected, more sinister forces were at work that led to the National Enquirer obtaining private text messages between Jeff and his lovah, Lauren Sanchez, which the Enquirer published. According to a Daily Beast investigation, the person responsible to handing over the goods to the Enquirer was Lauren’s own brother, Trump supporter and Roger Stone’s sometime BFF, Michael Sanchez. Damn. Sometimes, it really do be your own family.
Our fearless leader Donald Trump is really something else. Call him what you will, but at least he’s consistent. Who else could turn a direct question about the attack on Jussie Smollett into a diatribe about his fucking wall. During an Oval Office press conference, Omarosa’s sworn enemy (and therefore a hero of mine) April Ryan asked Trump if he had any comment on Jussie’s racist and homophobic ordeal. Before she could finish her question, Trump jumped in with some milquetoast platitudes and immediately pivoted his comments to discuss the fact that we’re allowing drug dealers and human traffickers into this country, calling that “the worst sin”. So sorry, folks. Per the President of the United States, words and their inherent meanings have been cancelled until further notice.