Category: Donald Trump

Donald Trump Is Highly Offended That A Woman Played Sean Spicer On “Saturday Night Live”

February 7, 2017 / Posted by:

One of Donald Trump’s early Sunday morning rituals has been pounding his roasted baby carrot fingers on his phone as he rages against Alec Baldwin and his favorite show Saturday Night Live for making fun of him again. But strangely enough, Trump didn’t fart out a single tweet about Melissa McCarthy’s Emmy-Oscar-Nobel Peace Price-worthy take on Sean Spicer, which was very “Matt Foley on testosterone-laced meth” to me. Even Sean Spicer said words about it and told reporters that he thought Melissa’s drag king impersonation of him was “cute.” But a “top Trump donor” told Politico that Melissa’s Spicer act achieved the impossible: it shut Trump up.

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Kanye West Isn’t On Team Trump Anymore

February 6, 2017 / Posted by:

It looks like Kanye West will never be invited to a slumber party at the White House, where he and his one-time BFF, Donald Trump, would crank call the Australian PM, toilet paper Nancy Pelosi’s office, take selfies with the nuclear button and color each other’s hair using the imported piss of a Russian hooker. Because Kanye is done with Trump.

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Kristen Stewart Came Out And Dropped An F-Bomb While Dragging Trump On SNL Last Night

February 5, 2017 / Posted by:

Dlisted weekend guy and known malcontent, J. Harvey, is publicly apologizing to actress Kristen Stewart for ever criticizing her lack of emotion in her performances, her general surliness, and this outfit. Stewart’s opening monologue on SNL last night, in which she ridiculed President Donald Trump’s bizarre Twitter obsession with her and former romantic interest Robert Pattinson’s relationship back in the Twilight-era (as well as dropping a “fuck” in at the end for emphasis), has absolved her of any celebrity wrong-doing now and forever, according to Mr. Harvey. He will now binge-watch the Twilight saga for the first time ever as penance. Thank you.

That was the statement my assistant just issued to the AP, Reuters, and the Weekly World News.

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Bruce Springsteen Apologized To Australia With A Cover Song

February 4, 2017 / Posted by:

Every koala bear in Australia spit out the eucalyptus leaves that they were contentedly chewing on to side-eye America this week. This was due to our despot-in-chief exhibiting his usual diplomatic finesse in a phone call with Australian prime minister, Malcolm Turnbull.

President Donald Trump reportedly abruptly ended the call with pretty much a “g’day, bitch!” after Malcolm had the audacity to ask if the US was going to honor an agreement that had already been made by the Obama administration to accept refugees. He’s also said to have told Malcolm that their exchange was “the worst call by far” he had taken that day.

Australia was is one of the US’ staunchest allies, so this was another sterling moment in President number 45’s repping of us to the rest of the world.

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Angelina Jolie Speaks Out Against Trump’s Refugee Ban

February 2, 2017 / Posted by:

One of the reasons why St. Angie Jolie was awarded with a halo on her head is because of her work with refugees around the world. Since she started working with the United Nations over 15 years ago, she’s visited refugees, spoke out for them and has donated millions to help them. So obviously she has thoughts about Donald Trump’s week-old executive order, which bans refugees and Muslims from certain countries from coming into the United States. I figured that Angie would respond by assembling the ANGIE TEAM 6 (Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox) and together they’d sneak into the White House, tie up Trump and take turns giving him noogies before he screamed mercy and tore the EO up. But instead of doing that, Angie wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times where she lays down why the ban is wrong and dangerous.

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