It’s been about three and a half minutes since Kanye West has been back in the limelight, and so far he’s promised new music and also shown support for a Black Lives Matter-hating conservative. Just so you know, the Kanye Krazy Train still has PLENTY of stops left and the next station stop is I Love Me Some Donald Trump Station. All aboard!
Pack up your show and head down to the unemployment line, Tyra Banks, because the real ANTM is Stormy Daniels. Instead, in her case, ANTM stands for Another Naked Tattling Mistress, because not only is she about to show the world her MILF tits and ass once again in Penthouse, she’s also going to expose more details about her alleged 2006 Aqua Net and Cheeto-scented bang-fest with YOUR president Donald Trump.
Donald Trump definitely spent 90% of his morning and afternoon (okay, 100% of his morning and afternoon) sounding out the words while writing, “invoise 2 Stormee Danyulls: one millyun dollers 4 openeneng up yr hor mouf on tevees,” on his presidential stationary today. Because Stormy Daniels violates the NDA she signed with Trump every time she publicly talks about their alleged one-night fuck. And she earned herself another $1 million violation today when she talked about it on The View with her panty cream-inducing stubble head lawyer Michael Avenatti.
Stormy didn’t really say anything she hadn’t already said on 60 Minutes, but she did bring the pecking hens of The View something new. She brought them a sketch of the goon she claims threatened her and her daughter. The sketch has got the internet playing a big ole’ game of Harpo, Who Dis Goon?
Two of Donald Trump’s alleged side pieces, Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, both said that he raw-dogged them. So I doubt that one layer of shock covered the face of anyone who read the rumor about how he’s got a secret love child out there. Shit, because Trump seems to be into busting raw orange nuts into his side tricks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got a whole secret love child army out there. And yes, that’s the face he makes when he busts a raw orange nut into his side tricks. I hope you weren’t in the middle of eating slightly curdled cream of pumpkin soup.
But the story isn’t that Trump maybe-boned a secret love child into one of his mistresses. It’s that The National Enquirer may have once again bought a story and killed it to protect him during the 2016 presidential election.
All Of You And The Obamas Have Something In Common: You Weren’t Invited To Prince Hot Ginge’s Wedding
No, I am not including myself in that headline, because I got my authentic invitation in the mail, bitch!
But sadly for Barack and Michelle Obama, their mailbox didn’t get fucked by an invitation to the British royal wedding of May 2018 (I’m not going to say “British royal wedding of the year,” because Jodie Marsh could still marry someone this year). Although, neither did the mailbox of any other world leader, past or present.
If this was 2010 Lindsay Lohan, debt collectors would be sharpening their knives as soon as the Lawyer.com direct deposit went through to her account since the likelihood of getting her to follow through on anything was pretty bleak. But this is 2018 Lindsay, and she’s here with a beyond-fitting endorsement deal from a website that promises to find a lawyer to take care of all of life’s speed bumps (like a DUI or two or 40), and she is here to WERK by offering Donald Trump the Lawyer.com team of legal professionals!
If anyone knows what it’s like to have a need for an armada of lawyers at your disposal, it’s Lindsay, which is why she might be able to give the president some advice as he is on the prowl for what seems like his 1800th lawyer in the Russia investigation, the Stormy Daniels case, and lord only knows what else. Lindsay seemed to agree and had some advice that also just happens to put some money in her pocket:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) April 4, 2018
Since that Mean Girls sequel isn’t exactly going the way Lindsay would like (aka it isn’t happening), she is resorting to some self-deprecating humor to make money as the spokeswoman for Lawyer.com. She revealed she was the new face of the company last month. Some people might poke fun at the idea of her giving logical legal advice to the President of the United States, and I say boo to those naysayers! He’s already dialed up all the lawyers in the back of the Yellow Pages, so it’s time for a new platform!