Category: Donald Trump

Paris Hilton Is Sorry For The Dumb Shit She Said About Trump’s Accusers

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Oh, what do we have here? A plastic container filled with expired leftovers from the mid-2000s that really should have been slipped into the trash years ago but for some reason continues to linger in the back of the fridge? Well yes, but it’s also a leftover that is just so sorry some recent gross ass-kissing comments went viral and made her sound like a terrible person. Heavens, we wouldn’t want anyone to think that about Paris Hilton, would we?

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“Feminist” Paris Hilton Thinks Women Only Accuse Trump Of Assault For Money

August 16, 2017 / Posted by:

For some reason, the editorial board at Marie Claire still thinks it’s 2007, and it is somehow imperative to interview Paris Hilton for her “career,” which, last time I checked, these days simply involves pressing play on a Spotify playlist and leading the Conga line at a foam party in Ibiza.

Because you go straight to hell if you interview a lady celeb and don’t ask her about feminism and virginity, and we all know Paris’s stance on the latter, the interviewer asked her about the former. Her response was very Paris: Continue reading

Robert Pattinson Acknowledged Those Ridiculous Trump Tweets From 2012

August 12, 2017 / Posted by:

As you’re probably aware, when Donald Trump isn’t engaged in terrifying nuclear dick-measuring competitions with equally jackhole dictators, he likes to tweet. This isn’t a new thing. He’s has had his stubby little fingers all over the Twitter bird for some time now. (There’s hotlines you can call, Twitter Bird.) Case in point – Trump’s bizarre 2012 Twitter meltdown over Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s break-up. Trump begged Robert to dump the sullen cheatin’ chick in several tweets. (And get with him? It was never really clear.) In an interview that RPattz did with Entertainment Weekly, those tweets were brought up and he was all philosophical about it. Which is annoying because you wish he’d be “yeah, dude’s round-the-bend nuts.” But deep-thinking sparklepires gotta be deep-thinking sparklepires, I guess. And, hey, this interview didn’t broach the subject of jerking off dogs. So that’s a plus. Continue reading

Donald Trump Was Supposed To Be The President In “Sharknado”

August 3, 2017 / Posted by:

Donald Trump is the disgruntled pre-teen who can’t stay off Twitter because everyone’s mean and life’s unfair. He’s the embodiment of every unsatisfied, loud “I Wanna Speak To The Manager” customer whose hair looks like an overturned bird’s nest. He’s a Z-list reality star with A-List power and I honestly blame America for keeping him from his true calling: starring as the president of the United States opposite the Godmother of Hot Mess Tara Reid in the always classy and beautifully acted Sharknado franchise.

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Kathy Griffin Has Been Exonerated By The Secret Service

July 29, 2017 / Posted by:

Remember when Kathy Griffin went out of her redheaded mind and posed for a pic holding a facsimile of President Donald Trump‘s bloody, disembodied head? The feces hit the fan for Kathleen! She was somehow shocked and showily tearful when everyone from Washington to her NYE bestie Anderson Cooper and CNN turned on her ass. POTUS, who loves nothing more than trashy POTUS-centered drama, accused her of traumatizing 11-year-old Barron Trump. Worst of all for Kathy, the Secret Service got involved. Well, pour a glass of wine for Kathleen and her moms. She’s been exonerated! Continue reading

Mario Cantone Must Hope Anthony Scaramucci Lasts Through Sweeps Week

July 28, 2017 / Posted by:

As you may know by now, Sean Spicer is the Gerber baby in comparison to new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci. While The Mooch even had my B-hole quivering at his Jersey Boy charm on Day 1 at the podium, he’s since made us all, including his wife, take a hard look in the mirror. Because we’re suddenly left defending people we never thought we would have to!

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