Nothing gets #DerangedDonald hornier than a big ole’ popularity rally where he can stir up his followers with narcissistic outbursts while fondling himself behind the podium after getting intensely aroused by the sound of his own voice. As reported by TMZ, Trump got some shots in at the beleaguered Jussie Smollett during his hour and a half (!) of self-adulation last night. Trump referred to Jussie as a “third-rate actor”, which I guess is a step-up from Chicago prosecutor Kim Foxx calling him a “washed-up actor.” But that seems a little hypocritical on Trump’s part. Did he never watch himself on The Apprentice?
Donald and Melania Trump’s summer travel plans are taking shape and they will include a long-delayed state visit to London in June. The Washington Post reports that the customary stay at Buckingham Palace during the 3-day visit will not be extended to the couple, even though the Obamas and George W. Bush were hosted there. THE QUEEN has bigger balls than I do when it comes to house guests. The last time my mother-in-law came to visit, I considered several elaborate ruses to avoid having her stay with us, but lost my nerve as I was contemplating buying a jar of bedbugs off of eBay. But The Queen don’t give a fwuck. Suddenly, Buckingham Palace is “undergoing renovations” so they can’t stay there. I see you Lizzy. Well played, Your Highness.
I mean, if we’re going to get into a mess involving Trump, Cher, and immigration, we may as well first dust our eyes with some bodyguard hotness and perfectly plucked man brows. Now that our eyes have been cleaned, let’s shit them up!
Cher has long been a liberal warrior who uses Twitter to trash Trump while pushing our brains to their breaking point as we try to figure out what the hell she’s trying to say (but by now many of us are fluent in Twitter Cher). But the other day, Cher cher’d her thoughts on immigration and received slow claps from Trump supporters like James Woods, and even got a cheer from Jabba the Trump himself. It truly is the time to be a parka salesperson in Hell, because so much weird shit is happening (like Trump blowing an air kiss at Cher) and it proves that Hell hasn’t reached above 30 degrees Fahrenheit in ages.
Yes, Anna Wintour is continuing to slowly hammer away at the very long final nail in American Vogue’s coffin by putting another Kartrashain on the cover, but I do have to give a slow clap to that demonic demon for paying tribute to Kim Kardashian’s early fame whore days by making it look like Ray J is pissing all over her. Well played, Anna!
Beyond the golden showers cover, Vogue’s Jonathan Van Meter talks to Kim at her house, which sounds as vapid and empty as her, a Mexican restaurant, and the Koven’s headquarters (a bunch of Calabasas condos that have been converted to their offices). Most of the interview is about her re-branding from soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass to a soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass who really, really cares about prison reform.
E News! is reporting that there is another Trump coming our way and the devil family has spawned again. That’s strange… I didn’t notice the water turn to blood, birds falling from the skies, or darkness blotting out the sun… Maybe it was only in Manhattan? It seems that Eric Trump and his wife Lara Trump are expecting their second child.
Today in “takes one to know one, bitch“, Donald Trump called the dropping of all 16 felony charges against Jussie Smollett an embarrassment to our nation, and tweeted that the FBI and the Department of Justice will put their magnifying glasses over what the fuck happened there. That’s surprising since you’d think Trump would congratulate another alleged schemer for getting away with the alleged scheme they busted out. But since Trump has to shart out his thoughts on whatever’s trending on Twitter, he mouth sharted out his thoughts on the Jussie Smollett case. Expect Trump to mouth shart out his thoughts about those anti-semitic over-sliced bagels, and yes, he’s going to tweet that he loves them. He would.