Dakota Johnson is probably not carrying a Coldplay fetus in her womb, but now we know what Chris Martin’s face looks like when he busts a raw nut up into someone. Strangely enough, that’s also the face I make when thinking of Chris Martin busting a raw nut up into anyone.
TMZ started the rumor today that 41-year-old wilted piece of celery leaf Chris Martin and 29-year-old dried water chestnut Dakota Johnson made a baby together. Their evidence was a party at Chris’ mansion yesterday. They think it was a gender reveal party because it was decorated with pink and blue balloons. And shortly after Dakota’s dad Don Johnson showed up, the string of blue balloons shot up. So TMZ thinks that was a clear sign that Dakota’s Coldplay fetus has a peen. Dakota and Chris, who have been together for a year, are exactly the kind of people who would have a gender reveal party, but her rep says it was just a party for her birthday.
In case people were still wondering just how serious the relationship between Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin is, we finally have an answer. Chris and Dakota are matching infinity symbol tattoos serious. Which is pretty serious. Infinity is a really long time, just ask Thanos! According to The Daily Mail, the pair have each been spotted “sporting the exact same infinity symbol inking, intertwined with two X’s”, which, how basic can you get? You’d think if you were as wealthy as these two and had access to the best culture, arts, and literature the world has to offer, they could come up with something a little more original.
Looks like it’s full steam ahead for The Prattenegger. Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger have gotten super serious. You ever go to a BBQ and they have some pale ass potato salad that is literally just potatoes, mayonnaise and not enough salt? Like no mustard, no celery to break up the texture, no paprika for color, and definitely no dash of Crystal hot sauce? That’s The Prattenegger family recipe. And yes, from the looks of things, the spoon handle in the potato salad is pointed directly towards “family“. Entertainment Tonight reports that the couple have “gotten serious, quickly”. Which makes sense – Jesus is not going to have Chris out here sowing his seeds willy-nilly. I’m sure Chris is saving his seeds for marriage. He’s already introduced Katherine to his son Jack over after-church vanilla ice cream (natch) . And it sounds like the family intros didn’t stop there.
Keegan-Michael Key and his fiance Elisa Pugliese have made it official by tying the knot over the weekend. The pair got engaged back in November, not too long after Keegan finalized his very contentious divorce with his ex-wife of 15 years Cynthia Blaise.
In the past, Ben Foster might have been able to give a surly “who wants to know” when asked if he’s a Scientologist. But Ben and loud n’ proud ‘Tologist Laura Prepon just got married so it’s probably safe to assume he’s got at least a couple Dianetics monologues memorized for auditions. After all, according to L. Ron Hubbard himself, the “R” corner of the ARC Triangle, the main tenet of a Scientology marriage, is “reality”. Or more accurately, relative reality.
ColiScar isn’t a great celebrity couple name (are any of them, really?), but I’m going with it, because when you look at it real quick, it reads as “CuloScar.”
It’s been a little under a year since Colin Jost of Saturday Night Live became the object of jealousy for a million nerd boners by wet humping on Black Widow. Since then, there’s been riveting sighting after riveting sighting of Colin and Scarlett Johansson sucking face. I guess things are serious enough for them to agree to forever be bonded in movie premiere pics, because ScarJo brought ColiJo (I refuse to call him CoJo since there is only one that matters to me) as her date to the premiere of Nerd Movie: Will Make Infinity Money in L.A. last night.