Category: Boring Couples

Rachel Bilson And Hayden Christensen Have Officially Broken Up

September 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Tall glass of 2% milk Hayden Christensen and paper Dixie Cup of cucumber spa water Rachel Bilson have broken up after almost 10 years together. According to UsWeekly, they’ve been living separately for a few months with her in L.A. and him in Toronto, they now “they are completely, officially done”.

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Carey Mulligan Had A Hush Hush Baby

September 13, 2017 / Posted by:

Doe-eyed waif Carey Mulligan had a secret baby last month with her Mumford & Sons husband Marcus Mumford. It’s the couple’s second baby, they also have a 2-year old daughter named Evelyn Grace. True to form, Carey quietly appeared at TIFF (pics in the gallery below) and made nice nice with the public instead of being all sloppy and telling us about her reclaimed wine barrel birthing tub or whatever.

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Joaquin Phoenix And Rooney Mara Are Totally Cohabitating

September 7, 2017 / Posted by:

Yesterday’s winners for Most Low-Key Hollywood Couple Confirming Coupledom, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, can go right ahead and step back into whatever secretive hidey-hole they’ve been in, because there’s a new winner in town. The New York Times’ T-Magazine (via Page Six) has revealed that Joaquin Phoenix and not-so-secret lover Rooney Mara are certified roommates with benefits.

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Jennifer Lawrence May Be Getting On This

October 18, 2016 / Posted by:

The UK’s second most trustworthy journal of note (after The Daily Mail, of course) The Sun claims that Jennifer Lawrence’s poon has gone from one balding sack of feelings to another! The Sun’s impeccable sources say that 26-year-old JLaw has been down-low doing 47-year-old director Darren Aronfsky, whose mind gave us the ass-to-ass scene in the always-feel-good-movie Requiem For A Dream. So if I was dating Darren, my first question to him would be, “Um, that ass-to-ass thing isn’t something you want to see or partake in, right? Because my greedy b-hole doesn’t like to share.” But maybe that’s just me.

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I Hope This Finally Puts An End To All Those Hurtful Pippa And Prince Hot Ginge Rumors

July 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone put a ring on Pippa Middleton’s hitchin’ finger, and thankfully, that someone was not Prince Hot Ginge. That means that the tabloids can go ahead and remove their “Pippa Middleton and Prince Hot Ginge Are Boning” stories from the file full of crap they pull out on a slow news week. Watch, The Sun will put out a cover story about how PHG spends his lonely nights caressing a bowl of cold porridge because he misses the bland touch of that British bland Pippa Middleton.

Pippa Middleton, best known for being Duchess Kate’s sister and owning the ass that took over the royal wedding in 2011, has gotten engaged to her rich British banker type piece of a year James Matthews. The Daily Mail says that this past weekend in the Lake District, 40-year-old James proposed to 32-year-old Pippa Middleton and of course, she said yes. Pippa and James confirmed their engagement news to the BBC and say that they’re going to get married next year. The Middleton family and Duchess Kate and Prince William also put out statements, and PHG would’ve put out a statement too but he was busy caressing a bowl of cold porridge while thinking about the bland that got away.

Because Pippa is a caring soul who wants to give the tabloids a perfect picture to use for her engagement news, she did the subtle “Oh, I’m just holding my purse and not-at-all flashing my giant diamond engagement ring” pose while leaving her apartment this morning:

pipparing2016

James Matthews’ brother is alleged cokehead and reality shit show trick Spencer Matthews from Made in Chelsea. If the Middleton family lets Spencer Matthews go to Pippa and James’ fancy society wedding, they better tell THE QUEEN to leave her Corgis at home. Because I don’t want to read in The Mirror about how one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis overdosed while doing lines with Spencer in the bathroom during the reception. And I’m sure Kunty Karl has already offered to design Pippa’s dress and I’m sure his design is an ass-less white burka.

Here’s pictures from Pippa’s showing of the engagement ring ceremony, as well as pictures of her at a charity event yesterday.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Getty

Cross-Border Barbie And Ken Made An Appearance At The White House State Dinner

March 11, 2016 / Posted by:

The White House threw a special fancy dinner party for Canada’s Next Top Model Prime Minister Justin Trudeau last night. Because JT is the Prime Minister of Canada, they also invited a whole bunch of famous and semi-famous Canadians to join them. I say “semi-famous“, because I scanned the guest list and no where did I see the names Bert Raccoon or Friend Record, aka Canada’s most important A-list celebrities.

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