iPhone, meet your new wallpaper. If you put an empty Corona bottle in his hand and replaced that ugly ass casino carpet with dead grass, that would be my uncle at the end of every family gathering. Shit, that’s me at the end of every gathering.
Coochies got wet and laughs came flying out of mouths at Caesars Windsor in Windsor, Ontario, Canada last night when George Lopez’s drunk, juicy, bloated gut hung out as he took a little sweet nectar-induced nap on the floor. That picture is the reason why I’m choking on cackles today. CTV News says that police put George in handcuffs at 10:49pm for being messy and drunk in public. TMZ says that George wasn’t charged with anything, but he was thrown in the drunk tank to dry out. George performed at Caesars right before he did the funniest thing he’s ever done and he’s supposed to perform again there tonight.
Somewhere, George Lopez’s scorned ex-wife and her one kidney are laughing and laughing at the sight of her hooker-fucking piece of trash ex-husband being down and out in Windsor. And this goes without saying, but about this time tomorrow TMZ will report that Carlos Mencia was arrested for public intoxication after drunkenly passing out on the floor of Caesars Windsor. The Windsor PD should go ahead and leave a space empty in the drunk tank for Carlos.
I asked ‘Why?’ so many times during this story of Sam Worthington punching a paparazzi in the face that I had to step away from my desk and make a little plaque for it thanking it on its dedicated service as the most overused word in my vocabulary today (don’t worry – ‘fuck’ gets a runner-up trophy).
According to TMZ, actor Sam Worthington (skinny-legs from Avatar, “Perseus” from that movie where Liam Neeson shouts RELEASE THE KRAKEN) was out walking with his girlfriend, Lara Bingle (who’s name sounds like a fancy pink Christmas tree from the 70s) in Greenwich Village when a pap came up and kicked Lara in the shin. Sam reacted how most guys would if they saw someone kick their partner, and punched the pap in the face. Sam was then charged with assault and was released, and the pap, Sheng Li, was charged with reckless endangerment, assault, and harassment, and is still in the chokey.
Okay, so I have so many questions about this situation. Why did Sheng Li randomly kick Lara Bingle in the shin? What did Lara’s shin ever do to you, Sheng? Also, why were paps following Sam Worthington? Did I miss the memo that there’s a high demand for candid shots of the guy from Man on a Ledge?
But the most important Why is…why in the name of all that is holy were they out walking around in New York FOR FUN? It’s too fucking cold for that! The last time I checked, Satan and the bottom bitch he lets control the weather had dropped the temperature to Fuck You-degrees Fahrenheit; I’m sure Sheng Li was probably just trying to kick her back inside. “You wanna audition for the role of Jack Torrance’s frozen corpse in an off-Broadway production of The Shining? Git! Git back in the house! And take your dragon-fucking boyfriend with you!”
Chris Kattan NOOOOO! I thought his regretful mistakes couldn’t get any worse than marrying a woman named Sunshine, but apparently he’s capable of much worse. According to TMZ, at around 1am Sunday night, police in the San Fernando Valley saw Corky Romano slowly weaving his car around the 101 freeway before crossing into a coned-off area and rear ending a Dept. of Transportation vehicle. After blaming his loopy driving on prescription medications, he was made to perform a sobriety test (the video of which would be 100% less depressing if someone had set it to Haddaway) and after failing spectacularly, was arrested for DUI. I’d hate to sully the good name of the man who brought us such classic characters as Gay Hitler and Mr. Peepers, so I’d like to stress that its been confirmed that Chris Kattan was arrested for driving under the influence of sweet, sweet mind-numbing pills, and not the sweet nectar.
Normally, reading about a celebrity getting arrested for a DUI makes me pissed enough to scream ‘CALL A FUCKING CAB NEXT TIME, YOU DRUNK’ at my computer screen, but I’m giving Chris Kattan a pass because – FACT – Chris Kattan’s life post-SNL is a major bummer and the guy could use a break. Also, pills are hard; have you ever picked up a prescription from CVS, looked confusedly at the winky-eye warnings and thought “Damn, I hope there’s a Wikipedia page for this”? Just ask Liza Minnelli – it takes years to get good at pills. I know, I know, he shouldn’t get a pass for getting pill-high and driving through the valley just because his life sucks (if that were the case, Lindsay Lohan would have the cleanest record out there).
I can’t tell if this story will end with Chris Kattan going to rehab or doing a stint in prison (prison-prison, not the prison-like feeling that comes with spending 8-hours on set with Patricia Heaton) but one thing is for sure: he needs Will Ferrell back in his life. Steve Butabi, come get your brother Doug!
When a famous person dies of a heroin overdose, the police really do not fuck around and pull all of their magnifying glasses out to track down the dealers who sold him those bags of bad shit dust. Not even a week after Philip Seymour Hoffman died of a heroin overdose in his West Village apartment, the NYPD has put four alleged drug dealers in handcuffs.
The New York Post says that last night, cops raided three apartments on Mott Street in Manhattan and arrested four people, 3 dudes and 1 chick, and charged two of them with felony drug possession and the other two with misdemeanor drug possession. In the apartment, they found 350 glassine bags with heroin in them. The bags found in the “drug den” on Mott Street (Side note: Drug Den on Mott Street sounds like the title of White Oprah’s upcoming autobiography) didn’t have the “Ace of Spades” stamp on them. The dozens of baggies of heroin found in PSH’s apartment were all marked with either an “Ace of Spades” or “Ace of Hearts.” The cops don’t know if any of the four people arrested ever sold heroin to PSH, but sources told the cops that he has bought the bad shit from that drug den on Mott Street in the past. One of the dudes arrested, musician Robert Aaron Vineberg who has played with Wyclef Jean, told the Post that he did not sell drugs to PSH.
The police had originally suspected that the batch of heroin that PSH had in his apartment might’ve contained fentanyl, because 22 people in Pennsylvania died after doing heroin laced with that shit. But officials told The New York Times that preliminary tests of the heroin found in PSH’s apartment showed no traces of fentanyl.
Gothamist says that the police are trying to find the two men who were with PSH on Saturday night when he pulled $1200 out of an ATM at the D’Agostino at Greenwich and Bethune Streets. They believe that PSH bought heroin and coke from those two dudes. There’s no surveillance cameras around that ATM, so police are looking at other cameras in the area.
And for now, I leave you with this headline from my favorite international literary journal The Daily Mail:
“Gay lover.” I know that whenever I introduce a boyfriend to my friends and family I always introduce him as my “gay lover.”
UPDATE: In case you didn’t already figure that The National Enquirer made that shit up, David Katz says they made that shit up.
The little brats on the park playground who give Justin Bieber a wedgie when he’s hanging upside down on the jungle gym better bow down and pay respect the next time he waddles onto the sand, because he’s a bona fide international hood rat stuff crime boss now that he’s been busted for doing bad things in three different places. The Biebs is being investigated in L.A. for run-by egging his neighbor’s house, he’s being investigated in Miami for drunken drag racing and now he’s been charged in Toronto for whooping a limo driver’s ass in December. Wild Boyz are taking over the world! When they come to your door and demand that you give them 15 Goldfish crackers to live in their turf, you better give it to them or they’ll start crying and throw a tantrum and trust me you don’t want that.
CBC News says that on December 29th, a limo driver picked up the Biebs and his entourage of douche scabs at the Air Canada Centre and shortly afterward some kind of fight went down. The police were called and they originally thought that one of the Biebs’ bitches beat on the limo driver. But I guess the police realized that one of Justin’s hos was covering up for him, because they wanted to speak to him. They scheduled an interview with him, but since he’s about as cooperative as a giant hemorrhoid covering my b-hole, he didn’t show. The police didn’t want to play around anymore, so they ordered the Biebs to show up to the 52 Division police station tonight. The Biebs showed up and they booked him for assault. He’ll be released and have to come back to Toronto for a hearing.
The only thing I’m taking away from this story is that Justin Bieber is in Canada right now. That’s half the battle. Close the borders! Shut down the gates! Lock him out while we still can! Actually, that’s not fair to Canada. How about we trade Justin Bieber for Rob Ford? If Rob Ford, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen lived in this country together, the nation’s entire supply of crack would dwindle and they’d start turning on each other. It’s the perfect plan.
When Justin Bieber’s delusional and enabling mom Patti Mallette commanded you to pray for her son, most of us got our knees, put our hands together and prayed for the shit-covered wart on humanity’s left ass lip to get arrested and get deported back to Canada. Your prayers halfway worked. Thanks, Patti!
TMZ and pretty much every other damn news source in the world reports that the hardest Wild Boy on the Montessori Kindergarten playground got what he finally wanted, he got arrested. I know, it’s so hard for a white boy to get busted. The Lesbeaver should be arrested for being The Lesbeaver, but he got busted for drag racing, driving while under the influence of some mind numbing shit (read: Sizzurp laced with maple syrup), resisting arrest and driving on an expired license. You’re probably thinking that you used to ride your Big Wheels hard through your neighborhood and you never got pulled over by the cops, but this is Justin Bieber and nobody goes harder than that thug toddler.
The Miami New Times says that after leaving a club in Miami early this morning, Justin drove a rented yellow Lamborghini to a residential area and because everybody in his entourage is as fucked in the brains as he is, they blocked off the street so he could race against some rapper named Khalil. When the cops pulled Justin over for speeding, he was barely coherent, but my question is, is the bitch ever coherent? He took a sobriety test and failed and when they asked him to take his hands out of his pockets, he refused. The criminal egg thrower was arrested, his passenger (some Instagram model named Chantel Jeffries) was arrested and Khalil was arrested. He’s currently at the police department where they’re booking him, taking baby’s first mug shot and checking to see what his booze alcohol level is.
THIS STORY! This story is like a wide open ovary egg and the tears the Beliebers are shedding on Twitter is like potent jizz and together they’re making me give birth to a littler of YESes! An alert on my iPhone woke me up at the hour of the ungodly this morning and when I looked at it and saw the words “Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI And Drag Racing,” the singing voices of angels filled my ears and I got the image of The Lesbeaver drunkenly walking down the Drag Race catwalk in front of a side-eye throwing RuPaul. The best part is that this happened in Florida! Oh Florida, when you deliver, you really deliver. This story should come with a card attached that reads, “See, whores, we are good for something. Love, Florida.”
On the left is David Cassidy and his alien eyes nostrils in a mug shot he posed for after he was busted for drunk driving in Florida in 2010. On the right is David Cassidy looking like a sad radish in the mug shot he took after he was arrested for operating a car while plastered in upstate New York last August. And last night, Keef Partridge’s mug shot duo became a trio when he took his DUI tour through America to Los Angeles. David was put into handcuffs for once again choosing Jack Daniels as his co-pilot.
TMZ and CBS Los Angeles say that CHP officers pulled over Shirley Partridge’s son when he made a right turn in a “no right turn on red” zone after getting off of the 405 freeway near LAX. When David Cassidy opened his window for the cop, a tragic scent of booze and bad decisions filled the officer’s nostrils. That was the officer’s cue to give David a Breathalyzer test. The number .19 popped up on the Breathalyzer screen after David blew into it. David blew over twice the legal limit, so he was shuffled off to jail where he was booked for DUI and released this morning on $15,000 bond.
3 DUIs…. in 3 years… in 3 different states. Point him in the direction of rehab, or at least the Uber app on his iPhone.
David Cassidy needs to have a serious come to Jesus talk with himself, because shit is serious when you’re dangerously close to making pus-spewing goiter Danny Bonaduce look like a responsible human being who makes good decisions.
The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.
Even bitch’s eyebrows and weave look shit-faced…
Nana Lohan better make room on the Lohan family wall of pride, because here comes another gorgeous mug shot to add to the collection. Since Lindsay Lohan hasn’t fucked up in a while, one of the Lohans needs to keep up the family’s pristine reputation as responsible citizens of society and that Lohan was White Oprah of course! CBS New York says that the matriarch of the Wild and Wonderful Lohans was arrested on Long Island at around 11 last night after getting caught speeding on the Northern State Parkway while in her usual state: plastered into another dimension. The police say White Oprah’s white BMW was going 77mph in a 55mph zone. When the police pulled her over, they immediately smelled White Oprah’s natural scent of vodka, bad decisions, fuckery, burnt weave glue, wet cigarette butts and sweaty balls.
White Oprah put her mouth on a Breathalyzer and it read: YUP, SHE’S A LOHAN AND NOW I NEED ANTIBIOTICS! White Oprah blew a .20, over twice the legal limit. Because White Oprah is a sue-happy grifter who is always thinking ahead, she screamed that the police injured her while arresting her ass. An ambulance showed up and after they examined her, they determined that yes, everything about her is broke down, but they didn’t find any injuries. White Oprah knew the jig was up, took it all back and said she was never injured.
The cops gave her tickets for the DUI and speeding. She’ll have to show her face in court on September 24th. After she was booked and her mug shot of beauty was taken, she released to a sober party. Yeah, I think the real news here is that White Oprah actually knows someone who’s sober.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s usually three times the legal limit while driving, so she was actually being responsible last night. But I can’t wait to hear the excuse that White Oprah pulls out of her drunk b-hole (yes, bitch’s b-hole is drunk too). She’s either going to take a page from her daughter’s excuse book and say it was the black kid’s mouth on that Breathalyzer. Or she’s going to say that she was driving to the orphanage to read the kids a bedtime story and she rinsed her mouth out with Listerine, because the orphans deserve fresh breath. And then the police had to go and ruin everything. The orphans never went to bed and now there’s a bunch of sleep-deprived kids on Long Island. It’s all the police’s fault. Why can’t the police just let White Oprah be great?
TMZ (like I had to tell you) reports that there’s a bottom under Lamar Odom’s rock bottom and he found it this morning. Lamar was put into handcuffs just before 4 this morning in the San Fernando Valley after he was pulled over and got several Fs on several sobriety tests.
The cops caught Lamar on the 101 freeway driving way too slow and swerving all over the place. Lamar was driving 50mph when the speed limit is 65mph. It took Lamar a little while to pull over after the cops dropped their sirens on his ass. TMZ says that Lamar drove past 3 exits before finally pulling over. The cops realized right away that his ass was all the way drunk. After failing those sobriety tests, Lamar was taken in and booked. And since he probably had some kind of bad shit running through his veins, he refused to take any and all chemical tests.
My first thought after reading that headline at TMZ was, “Pimp Mama Kris really does go hard.” When you screw with her magnificent whore empire, she’ll get you labeled as a crackhead and get her contacts in the police department to take you down. Pimp Mama Kris? More like Mob Boss Mama Kris. But really, I don’t think PMK had anything to do with this, but I do think that she’s going to have all of E!’s cameras on him when he gets released. It’ll be the perfect season opener for her family’s reality shit show.
And now Lamar and Khloe have his and hers mug shots to put on their mantle.