The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.
Even bitch’s eyebrows and weave look shit-faced…
Nana Lohan better make room on the Lohan family wall of pride, because here comes another gorgeous mug shot to add to the collection. Since Lindsay Lohan hasn’t fucked up in a while, one of the Lohans needs to keep up the family’s pristine reputation as responsible citizens of society and that Lohan was White Oprah of course! CBS New York says that the matriarch of the Wild and Wonderful Lohans was arrested on Long Island at around 11 last night after getting caught speeding on the Northern State Parkway while in her usual state: plastered into another dimension. The police say White Oprah’s white BMW was going 77mph in a 55mph zone. When the police pulled her over, they immediately smelled White Oprah’s natural scent of vodka, bad decisions, fuckery, burnt weave glue, wet cigarette butts and sweaty balls.
White Oprah put her mouth on a Breathalyzer and it read: YUP, SHE’S A LOHAN AND NOW I NEED ANTIBIOTICS! White Oprah blew a .20, over twice the legal limit. Because White Oprah is a sue-happy grifter who is always thinking ahead, she screamed that the police injured her while arresting her ass. An ambulance showed up and after they examined her, they determined that yes, everything about her is broke down, but they didn’t find any injuries. White Oprah knew the jig was up, took it all back and said she was never injured.
The cops gave her tickets for the DUI and speeding. She’ll have to show her face in court on September 24th. After she was booked and her mug shot of beauty was taken, she released to a sober party. Yeah, I think the real news here is that White Oprah actually knows someone who’s sober.
In White Oprah’s defense, she’s usually three times the legal limit while driving, so she was actually being responsible last night. But I can’t wait to hear the excuse that White Oprah pulls out of her drunk b-hole (yes, bitch’s b-hole is drunk too). She’s either going to take a page from her daughter’s excuse book and say it was the black kid’s mouth on that Breathalyzer. Or she’s going to say that she was driving to the orphanage to read the kids a bedtime story and she rinsed her mouth out with Listerine, because the orphans deserve fresh breath. And then the police had to go and ruin everything. The orphans never went to bed and now there’s a bunch of sleep-deprived kids on Long Island. It’s all the police’s fault. Why can’t the police just let White Oprah be great?
TMZ (like I had to tell you) reports that there’s a bottom under Lamar Odom’s rock bottom and he found it this morning. Lamar was put into handcuffs just before 4 this morning in the San Fernando Valley after he was pulled over and got several Fs on several sobriety tests.
The cops caught Lamar on the 101 freeway driving way too slow and swerving all over the place. Lamar was driving 50mph when the speed limit is 65mph. It took Lamar a little while to pull over after the cops dropped their sirens on his ass. TMZ says that Lamar drove past 3 exits before finally pulling over. The cops realized right away that his ass was all the way drunk. After failing those sobriety tests, Lamar was taken in and booked. And since he probably had some kind of bad shit running through his veins, he refused to take any and all chemical tests.
My first thought after reading that headline at TMZ was, “Pimp Mama Kris really does go hard.” When you screw with her magnificent whore empire, she’ll get you labeled as a crackhead and get her contacts in the police department to take you down. Pimp Mama Kris? More like Mob Boss Mama Kris. But really, I don’t think PMK had anything to do with this, but I do think that she’s going to have all of E!’s cameras on him when he gets released. It’ll be the perfect season opener for her family’s reality shit show.
And now Lamar and Khloe have his and hers mug shots to put on their mantle.
Well, I guess Emma Roberts inherited some of the crazy from her father. Eric Roberts’ daughter and Evan Peters are both in Montreal shooting the third season of American Horror Story and when they’re not shooting scenes, they’re behaving like a healthy, stable and loving couple. And I mean the opposite of all that.
TMZ says that on July 7th, somebody called the police to report a loud ass fight happening in Emma and Evans’ hotel room. The cops showed up and found Evan with a bloody nose and a bite mark. Emma was put into hand cuffs and spent a few hours in jail before she was released into the wild. Emma won’t have to face a judge, because Evan refused to press charges.
A source tells TMZ that Evan and Emma allegedly both got crazy and hit on each other that night, but she’s the one who spent some time in a cell, because he had marks on his body and she didn’t. The source also denied that Emma put her teeth into Evan’s skin. They’re back together and back to work.
If the blind items are right, then I guess Emma Roberts turns from a piece of wilting, bland boiled cauliflower into a white girl version of Chris Brown when she gets a little of the bad shit in her. Coke makes her fists fly. But really, what is going on in Canada? Cory Monteith overdoses on heroin in Vancouver and Emma Roberts and Evan Peters beat on each other in Montreal. What’s next? Taylor Swift gets arrested for moose jacking in Algonquin? I meant, she’s going to steal a moose. I didn’t mean the other thing, but that works too.
Nick Stahl is back in a jail cell today after he and three others were caught using meth in a motel room in Hollywood, CA at around 5 this morning. Nick, whose face has been on a milk carton several times, was placed on a Code Brit Brit (aka 5150 hold) earlier this month because he was in a bad way. Nick told TMZ yesterday that he was happy he was forced into a hospital, because he needed help. And now here we are.
TMZ says that the cops knocked on the motel door this morning because they were doing a parole compliance check on of the people Nick was doing meth with. The cops killed the meth party and arrested all of them.
Last year, Nick’s ass went missing for a long time and his estranged wife said he was probably filling his body with the bad shit on Skid Row. Nick eventually turned up and checked into rehab only to check right out against doctor’s orders. Nick was also busted last December for doing himself in a private booth at a porn shop. I know, if you can’t do yourself in a private booth at a porn shop, where can you do yourself?
Nick will probably go to rehab again and hopefully he stays in there for a while. While he’s in there, they should show him the ass-to-ass scene from Requiem For A Dream on a loop since the ass-to-ass scene from Requiem For A Dream is the most effective anti-meth PSA ever.
James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
Remember when some crazy ho sent ricin-laced letters to Obama, Mayor Bloomberg and the director of Mayors Against Illegal Guns? The FBI found out that an actress from Texas who had tiny roles in The Walking Dead (she played a zombie, duh) and The Vampire Diaries is the one who did it and she was arrested in Arkansas today. NBC News says that Shannon Guess originally pointed the finger at her husband and said he was the one who did it, but after the FBI got down to the bottom of EVERYTHING, they found out the truth.
35-year-old Shannon loves her guns and didn’t like Mayor Bloomberg’s stance on gun control, so she threw up the crazy in a letter and laced it with ricin. Shannon allegedly wrote:
“You will have to kill me and my family before you get my guns. Anyone who wants to come to my house will get shot in the face. The right to bear arms is my constitutional God given right and I will exercise that right till the day I die.”
Shannon could get 10 years in the chokey if she’s convicted.
The only reason I’m writing about this is because when I first laid my eyes on Shannon Guess’ picture, the essence of Phoebe Price (smells like charred saffron, the Styrofoam container that chicken cutlets come in and the Barbizon waiting room) wafted up into my nostrils. When Lifetime inevitably makes a movie about this (called Ricin Against Time), there’s only one international supermodel who can play Shannon. Since Phoebe Price is so fresh and youthful that she looks like it was only yesterday when she was a chick trapped in an egg, she’ll have to use plenty or prosthetics to look 35, but she’ll totally nail it.
Here’s the future Emmy winner posing in the middle of the street last month.
The good news is that I get to write about legendary crazy trick Pia Zadora again. The bad news is that I’m not writing about how Pia Zadora got cast as Amanda Bynes in Lifetime’s biopic You’re Old And Ugly: The Amanda Bynes Saga. Golden Globe award-winning star Pia Zadora is in the news again, because she got arrested in Summerlin, NV on Saturday for allegedly choking her son out before turning the garden hose on him. Note to Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan, this is how true crazy bitches do it.
TMZ says that Pia and her 16-year-old son Jordan got into a fight of words on Friday night after he refused to go to bed. When Jordan wouldn’t go to bed, the future Mother of 2013 took a page out of Joe Jackson’s Book Of Discipline when she brought the crazy on him. While Pia and Jordan kept fighting, her stepson tried to calm her down and she responded by punching and scratching his face. After an hour or two of fighting, Jordan finally decided that enough was enough and he tried to call the police. Jordan claims that as he was calling for help, Pia tried to get the phone out of his hands by choking his neck. When Jordan and his stepbrother went outside to get away from Pia, she sprayed them with the garden hose to get them back inside.
When the police showed up, Pia, Jordan, her stepson and her husband refused to come out of the house to talk to them. So the SWAT Team was called in and they formed a perimeter around the house. Pia eventually came out and admitted that she scratched and choked her son and stepson, but said that she did it by accident. 61-year-old Pia was taken to the Clark County Detention Center and charged with domestic battery and coercion (COERCION!). Before she paid the $4,000 bail and was released, they took that mug shot of her looking like a Tracey Gold Cabbage Patch Doll that got mangled in a washing machine.
And before Pia left the detention center, she taught aerobics to some of the inmates:
This whole story is a wreck. They brought in the SWAT Team for Pia Zadora? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia and her sugar daddy husband tore down the Pickford Mansion, because she thought there were ghosts living inside? Where was the SWAT Team when Pia got G.L.O.W. canceled, because she thought her then husband, who bankrolled the show, was screwing some of the wrestlers?
No, they were right for calling the SWAT Team. We all know how dangerous Pizza Whora is. I mean, we’ve all the seen the musical documentary about her days as the head hag of a terrifying gang of gays:
I’m actually surprised that Pia choked her son out when she could’ve easily subdued him with her jazz hands.
If I listed all the illegal and dumb stuff that Teen Mom Jenelle has done in the past couple of years, this post would be 8,000 words long and by the end of it, we’d all want to become pro-sterilization activists. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 was back in front of the mug shot camera today in North Carolina after police busted her for possession of her drug of choice, heroin, and for beating her husband, Courtland Rogers, with a piece of furniture. Courtland was also arrested for punching Jenelle in the head and for being in possession of heroin. TMZ says that when the police showed up to Jenelle’s house after getting a call about a domestic disturbance, they found 12 bags of heroin, a glass pipe, plastic wrapping papers and illegal Percocet.
Since Jenelle and Courtland both denied that the heroin was theirs, they were both charged with possession with intent to sell. While the cops were there, they served Jenelle with a warrant for not paying child support. Jenelle’s mom currently has custody of her kid.
One of Jenelle’s friends tells Radar that she was set up by her husband and all of the heroin belonged to him. This friend might be speaking the truth, because Jenelle tweeted this 8 hours ago and she’d never tell a lie!
I’m doing great. Eating healthy. My weight is back to normal. I take Multivitamins daily and melatonin at night and I’m SOBER!
Bitch has a funny way of spelling “heroin” and “Percocet.”
Well, the way that I see is if Jenelle ever stops being a bona fide wreck and gets sober, she can say that the whole “Ke$hit is the air I breathe” speech that she shat out of her mouth was the result of her being all the way high on heroin. We’d all just nod our heads, because that would make so much sense.
Here’s thrilling footage of Reese “Do You Know My Name?” Witherspoon (prison bitch name: Laura Jeanne Poon) arriving at the police station in cuffs before the officer uncuffs her and leads her inside to get her mug shot taken. I wish there was sound with this video, because I really want to hear her say to the cop, “Really? R-E-E-S-E-W-I-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N? Never heard that name? Legally Blonde? No? Nobody saw that This Means War mess, but maybe Walk The Line? NO? Are you Amish?!“
The footage is so damn blurry that it could be Russell Brand with a padded bra on for all we know, but ho doesn’t look that drunk to me. I guess nothing zaps the booze from your system like getting put into handcuffs (and not in a sexy way).
In other Laura Jeanne Poon news, she was supposed to do the talk show rounds this week to promote Mud, but she canceled everything. And Jim Toth is supposedly thinking of checking into rehab since that’s what the husbands of DoYouKnowMyNamers do when they get a DUI. And finally, Chelsea Handler told Entertainment Tonight at the E! Upfronts in NYC last night that Reese’s arrest isn’t that big of a deal:
“She’s doing fine. She’s doing fine, you know? She was just trying to protect her husband, so…I mean everybody makes mistakes, so it’s not a big deal.”
Not a big deal?! If this is a big deal for anyone it’s Chelsea Handler. Chelsea hung out with Reese a couple of days after she was arrested, so you know Chelsea hugged her, patted her on the back and sang “For she’s a jolly good drunk bitch!” to her. Then Chelsea bought everyone in the room shots to celebrate Reese’s first arrest for being a drunken mess. So when Chelsea said that “it’s not a big deal,” she really meant that it was a very proud moment for her.
Here’s the human vodka bottle at the E! Upfronts. If you need a quick mid-day buzz, just rub a little olive juice and on your screen and then lick it up. It’s like drinking a martini! Yes, you’ll probably spit up pieces of burnt leather, but at least you’ll get some kind of buzz from it.