No, that dog has nothing to do with this story. I just figured that if we had to look at Randy Quaid’s greasy Santa-on-bath salts face, we should also get a cute fluffy doggie to cleanse our eyeballs with.
Two days after he was arrested by Canadian Border officials for being an immigration-dodging mess, Cousin Eddie has been arrested by American Border officials. I know, you totally didn’t see this one coming, right? CBC News says Vermont State Troopers (please tell me it was Ramathorn and Womack) slapped Randy Quaid and his partner in crazy times, Evi Quaid, with a pair of handcuffs when they tried to slink across the U.S./Canadian border at 8pm last night. Yes, Randy was trying to flee Canada after he was deemed that he wasn’t a flight risk. I guess Randy was trying to pull a “You can’t deport me if I deport myself” power move or something.
Both Randy and Evi were detained and a judge has set their bail at $50,000 each. No word on why Evi was arrested as well, since she’s not exactly the one up for deportation. But I’m sure there’s probably some law on the books about skipping town with your husband who was specifically told to sit tight while they decided what day to send his ass back to California.
I have no idea why Randy and Evi couldn’t just wait for Canada to tell them when it was time to pack their bags and GTFO. So impatient, those two! Personally, I would have stayed in Montreal as long as they would let me just so I could stuff my face with as many Montreal bagels as possible. Border security would need at least three of their strongest employees to drag my ass out. If you’ve ever had a Montreal bagel, you know what I’m talking about. It’s like wood-fired poppy seed-covered crack. If I was about to be deported from the land of bagels, I’d run off to the nearest St-Viateur and eat till I shat circular bagel-shaped poops.
In the event you want to see the newest pictures for Randy and Evi’s mug shot collection, they’re after the cut.
The last time I wrote about Shia LaBeouf, he had reportedly gotten into a messy, violent fight with his girlfriend at the time, Mia Goth, and it ended with him telling some dudes that he would’ve killed her. Well, Shia is still Shia’ing and he got busted in Austin, TX tonight for being all kinds of messy and not obeying the cops.
TMZ says that at around 7:45 tonight, Shia ran down Sixth Street while either drunk out of his mind or high out of his mind or both. I’ve been to Austin and I don’t think anybody would ever blink an eye at seeing a hipster run down the street while drunk as hell. But Shia got busted when he jaywalked in front of the cops. The police told him not do it, but he did it anyway. The cops subdued his ass and arrested him. Shia is in town for Austin City Limits.
Shia spent a few months in rehab in 2014 after he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct.
And if I had to say something positive, I’d say that at least this time Shia didn’t keep anyone from seeing a half-shaked sweaty Alan Cumming shake that ass while singing show tunes. So there is that.
UPDATE: Shia was booked for misdemeanor public intoxication.
Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.
When we last left Jeremy Jackson, he was busted by the cops for stabbing a dude in Westlake Village, CA. That was in April. Jeremy was never charged with anything, because he cried self defense and the District Attorney’s Office agreed with him. Well, Hobie struck, or should I say stabbed, again and this time he’s actually facing charges.
TMZ says that Jeremy Jackson allegedly went crazy and stabbed a woman near his home in L.A. on August 6th. The woman claims that Jeremy Jackson tried to steal her boyfriend’s car and when she stopped him, he stabbed her in her back, arm and leg. Because this is something you really want to see, her’s a picture of one of her alleged Hobie-made wounds:
Jeremy ran his ass away from the scene, but the cops picked him at a hotel. The D.A. charged him with with felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon and making criminal threats. He pleaded not guilty and the judge set his bail at $80,000, so I’m guessing David Hasselhoff got a call in the middle of the night from his TV son looking for a little loan. The Wrap says that the Celebrity Rehab graduate will have to show his face in court on October 28th.
Are Jeremy Jackson and Nicholas Brendon in a competition to see which one of them can get the most mug shots in one year? I’m guessing that Jeremy will win if he keeps trying to (allegedly) snatch cars and stab tricks in what sounds like drug deals gone terribly wrong. I don’t know whether to blame Dr. Drew of The Hoff or both. And to think, I thought Jeremy Jackson had hit rock bottom when he decided to tell all of us about the time he walked around with Michelle Williams’ dried ass juices on his fingers for two weeks:
Asked about his celebrity hook-ups, Jeremy copped to dating Katie Holmes early in her career: “My secret rendezvous girlfriend. Yeah, we messed around.” And Katie’s Dawson’s Creek co-star, Michelle Williams–Hobie once fingered her until she whispered that he was working the wrong hole: “I was learning the ropes, man. You know…I didn’t wash my hands for a couple weeks.”
Yes, Nicholas Brendon, aka Xander from Buffy, got arrested again, but this time it wasn’t for being a drunk mess at a Comic-Con. It’s actually for something a lot more sad. According to People, Nicholas Brendon was arrested on Wednesday night in Saratoga Springs, New York for choking out his girlfriend. Giles, drop whatever dusty book you’re reading and come get Xander.
Saratoga Springs police say they got a call around 11:30pm on Wednesday night about a domestic at a motel. When they arrived, they found a 33-year-old woman who said Nicholas got into it with her shortly after she tried to drop off some of his shit. She claims that when she tried to leave, Xander grabbed her car keys and smashed her phone. Then he got all ragey and allegedly started choking her before fleeing the scene. People says he was found a few blocks away and was arrested. UsWeekly adds that police told them “alcohol was involved” in the incident.
Nicholas Brendon has been charged with two counts of criminal mischief, one count of obstruction of breathing (which is the fancy law way of saying choking someone, I guess), and robbery in the third degree.
In case you’re keeping a tally, this is Nicholas Brendon’s fourth arrest in the past 12 months. The last time we heard from him, he had checked himself into rehab and was asking TV doctors to help him battle his demons. But as any of you who watch Dr. Phil know (not that that’s something you’d admit to, I know), Nicholas recently slapped at one of the hands trying to help him out by walking off a recent episode. So…he’s in a pretty shitty place. Once again, Giles – please come get Xander. Or anyone, really. At this point, I’d be ok with Dawn. Dawn, make yourself useful and come get Xander.
New Jersey Police Arrested The Alleged Heroin Dealer That Hid Rosie O’Donnell’s Daughter In His House
It looks like Rosie O’Donnell’s back will get a much-needed break from dragging Steve Sheerer, the 25-year-old alleged heroin dealer her daughter Chelsea met on Tinder and snuck away from home for, up and down the internet, because he was arrested in New Jersey last night. Way to go, Steve – you now have the perfect mugshot for parents to use when they want to warn their kids about running away and meeting alleged heroin dealers on Tinder. “This guy…this is the guy you’ll meet.”
People says that Steve Sheerer was arrested Friday night at his home in Barnegat, NJ and has been charged with child endangerment and communication of obscenity, aka what Michael K’s lawyer slaps me with every time I mention that I don’t think Shauna Sand is that pretty. He could face up to five years in prison for each charge. The arrests happened after police searched Chelsea’s phone (with Rosie’s consent) and found “evidence of inappropriate communications over the last several weeks” between Steve and 17-year-old Chelsea.
Steve Sheerer has been told he’s not allowed to contact the O’Donnell family, and his bail has been set at $40,000. “$40,000? Wow, it’s almost like you weren’t cool with your 17-year-old daughter running off without your permission to hang out with some 25-year-old dude” thought Kylie Jenner’s mother.
Hopefully many lessons have been learned from this situation. For Steve, it’s that if you meet up with a 17-year-old on Tinder and hide her in your attic, you will be looking at the inside of a cell for a while. For Chelsea, it’s that you don’t go meeting strange dudes who look like Steve Sheerer on Tinder, because you will end up hiding out in an attic. And for Bear the Therapy Doggie, it’s that when Chelsea tells you to pack your bags for a road trip, you make sure to sit her down, place a paw on her shoulder, and ask if it will be the kind of trip that ends with a game of hide and seek in attic.
These rappers are really going hard this week. First, Meek Mill threatens Drake with a wedgie and now Busta Rhymes gets arrested for throwing a protein drink at a gym employee. What’s next? Wiz Khalifa will get called out for making a friend piss by putting their hand in a bowl of water as they slept during a slumber party?
The NYDN says that the sometimes rapper turned swole bag of muscles was arrested in NYC last night and charged with second-degree assault after he was accused of hitting an employee in the head with a cardboard carton of strawberry-flavored Muscle Milk at the Steel Gym in Chelsea. This is what Busta’s weapon of choice looks like:
One of my little elementary school friends, Armando, threw a half-full Hi-C juice box at my arm during a fight in a park. What is the statute of limitations on a juice box attack, because I’m really thinking of pressing charges now.
Witnesses tell the NYDN that Busta and the gym worker have had words before and last night their beef turned into a hardcore, badass water splash and Muscle Milk-throwing fight. One witness says that 43-year-old Busta strolled up to the front desk at the gym to buy water and a protein drink from his arch rival (aka the employee). The worker told Busta to leave, for some reason, and he responded by attacking a ho with water and the employee fought back by also throwing water. The cops were called when Busta busted that Muscle Milk on the worker. You’d think that the worker would need to be rushed to the hospital immediately, but he turned down medical treatment when the cops arrived. Busta was arrested. He was later released and will have to go to court in November. His lawyer called the whole thing stupid:
“It’s ridiculous, it was literally a bottle of Muscle Milk. This is clearly an attempt by someone to take advantage of Busta. He did nothing wrong. This is a bunch of bull.”
I don’t know what the gym employee looks like, but I’m guessing he’s a giant bag of muscles too, so the image of two bodybuilders getting into a hissy fit water fight with each other will get me through the rest of the day. And I’ve heard many stories about a dude busting a load of liquid protein on another dude’s face at a Chelsea gym, but this may be the first time I’ve heard of anyone getting arrested for it.
Just a couple of weeks ago, Kim Richards, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, told Entertainment Tonight that she loves being sober and her time in rehab really helped her get right back on the wagon. Well, it looks like the wagon crashed into a Target causing Kim to fly off and land into a pair of handcuffs. TMZ says that Kim was arrested over the weekend after she was accused of stealing $600 worth of stuff from a Target in the Valley. If you’re picturing Kim trying to sneak out of Target with a cartload of booze, her ex-husband Monty wants you to pop that thought bubble right away. Monty tells ET that it’s obviously a big misunderstanding. Monty says that alcohol didn’t play a part in Kim’s alleged theft and her shopping cart was filled with toys.
Based on my truly rudimentary knowledge of Sweden, it is my understanding that Sweden is a magical land of easy-to-assemble furniture, wacky eye-less puppet chefs, and rivers filled with delicious red candy fishes. And today I learned it’s also the sort of place where Snoop Dogg can get arrested.
TMZ says that Snoop Dogg found himself on the receiving end of a pair of whatever the Swedish word for hand cuffs is (Google translate tells me it’s “handbojor“, which is all kinds of terrific) on Saturday after police suspected him of driving under the influence of narcotics. Snoop had just come from a show in Uppsala, Sweden, and was showing signs of being a mess on the road, so police pulled him over and took him to the police station for a drug test. He’s currently sitting in Swedish jail. However, Snoop Dogg has called bullshit on the DUI and thinks he was pulled over by the police because he’s black. Snoop documented his arrest in a series of Instagram videos, and he says in one of them that the arrest was nothing but an act of racial profiling.
He also claims that they “didn’t find shit” during his urine test. A spokesman for the Swedish police threw a side-eye at Snoop’s claim of racial profiling and told TMZ “We don’t work like that in Sweden.”
The police tell TMZ that it will take two weeks to get Snoop’s drug test back. I don’t know how Swedish law works, but does that mean Snoop will be in Swedish jail for the next two weeks? I can’t even imagine what Swedish jail would be like. I bet they punish prisoners by forcing them to build an IKEA media center without the instructions while listening to “Waterloo” on repeat.
Whoever holds the record for the most mug shots taken (Lindsay?) better be prepared to lose their title, because DMX added another mug shot to his 8-foot-tall pile. “DMX got arrested” is the new “water is wet.”
PIX-11 in NYC says that DMX (born name: Earl Simmons) was on his way to perform in a concert at Radio City Music Hall when the cops got his ass for “several outstanding issues.” DMX owes $400,000 in child support, so Erie County Family court issued a warrant for his arrest. The city of White Plains also issued an arrest warrant on his ass for bail jumping and the city of Yonkers has accused him of being an “aggravated unlicensed motor vehicle operator.” On top of all of that, Newark, NJ filed a complaint against DMX for his possible involvement in a gas station robbery on April 5th. In other words, every damn city in the tri-state area has DMX’s name on a warrant list.
Because DMX was busy getting arrested, he wasn’t able to perform at Radio City. The show, which featured a bunch of rappers, went on without him. DMX later bailed out.
I get that the cops had to arrest DMX’s beyond messy ass since he has a warrant in practically every county, but shouldn’t they have waited until AFTER the show? Since DMX owes three shit loads in child support, they should’ve waited until he did the job and got the check before bringing him in along with the money he just made. How is he supposed to make a dent in that child support balance if they arrest him before he gets that paycheck? And DMX really needs to get it all the way together before he once again ends up nibbling green bologna sandwiches in a desert tent while wearing pink jail clothes. Believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism.