Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”
Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?
But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”
Seen above working the hell out of a man purse while strolling with his son in 2008, Robert Downey Jr. issued a statement this morning after his 20-year-old son Indio Downey was caught with the bad shit in West Hollywood yesterday afternoon. TMZ says that Indio was a passenger in a car that the cops pulled over because they noticed that another passenger was smoking something out of a pipe. Thanks, passenger who was smoking something out of a pipe! The cops pulled the car over and found some coke on Indio while doing a search. Indio was put into handcuffs, dragged down to the station, charged with possession of a controlled substance and he was released early this morning on $10,000 bail. In his sad and honest statement, RDJ blamed himself and said that sometimes addiction is passed on from generation to generation and sometimes the coke-snorting apple doesn’t fall far from the coke-snorting tree.
“Unfortunately there’s a genetic component to addiction and Indio has likely inherited it. Also, there is a lot of family support and understanding, and we’re all determined to rally behind him and help him become the man he’s capable of being. We’re grateful to the Sheriff’s department for their intervention, and believe Indio can be another recovery success story instead of a cautionary tale.”
Last year, Indio went to some hippie rehab place for a pill popping problem. At the time his mom Deborah Falconer told The National Enquirer that her son wasn’t addicted to pills, but he did spend time in a holistic rehab place and was treated with vitamin supplements and organic foods. In other words, Deborah Falconer might need to check into a non-holistic treatment center where she’s fed processed food and major amounts of canned cheese, because she’s been GOOP’d.
Hmmm, I wonder how that post-arrest conversation between RDJ and Indio went down. Indio probably shouted, “I learned it from watching you, dad! I learned it from watching you!” What RDJ needs to do is strap Indio into a chair, play him Less Than Zero and then scream at him, “This was my real life! Do you want this to be you? Do you want to find yourself sucking dirty junkie dick in a Palm Springs condo for a baggie?” And if I was RDJ’s son and he asked me that question, my answer would be, “Well, I’ve done it for a lot less, soo…“
Above is a blurry picture from Instagram of Shia LaDouche reportedly crying in front of the NYPD after he was dragged out of Cabaret on Broadway in handcuffs for being Shia LaDouche. The answer to the question”What kind of mess gets arrested during a Broadway show?“has finally been answered.
Broadway World reports that Danny Burstein, who plays Herr Schultz in Cabaret, threw up a note on Facebook during intermission where he said that LaDouche was led out of the theater by police:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your places call for Act II. Also, to let you know, Shia LaBeouf has just been escorted from the building in handcuffs. Yep, that just happened.
People on the street told Broadway World that LaDouche was kicked out for acting a fool during the show. Good Morning America adds that Shia was put into handcuffs for “smoking and being disruptive.” Police dragged him out onto the sidewalk and he supposedly started crying as they questioned him. The cops eventually took him to the police station and he will most likely be charged. They should just send him to Death Row, because that’s where anybody who disrupts a half-naked singing and dancing Alan Cumming belongs!
Either this is an elaborate performance art piece about the city’s ban on cigarettes or he’s having a stage 4 Amanda Bynes moment or he just didn’t like Michelle Williams as Sally Bowles. Whatever the case may be, let’s just get it out of the way and put all the blame on Alec Baldwin for this.
EXTRA MESSY UPDATE: Page Six says that LaDouche has been charged with criminal trespass, harassment and disorderly conduct. Sources say that LaDouche kept hitting audience members on the back of the head and he was smoking. The cops were called to Studio 54 and when they came up to LaDouche, he tried to walk away, but his ass fell and he was put into handcuffs. At the police station, LaDouche screamed “Fuck you, I’ll fuck you” at the cops and they had to put him in a face mask, because he kept spitting. LaDouche then made his old best friend Alec Baldwin proud by doing this.
While being fingerprinted LaBeouf told one cop “I have millions and millions of dollars and attorneys and I’m going to ruin your career.” He then used a homophobic epithet at the officer doing the fingerprinting, calling him a “fag.”
Well, the good news is that Shia LaDouche’s spokeswhore probably saw this mess coming and already has a pre-written “Shia LaDouche has entered into rehab for exhaustion” statement ready.
In case you needed yet another reminder that rats are drawn to piles of trash (I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s the trash and who are the rats in this picture). Joe Francis, the garbage person responsible for Girls Gone Wild and all-round piece of shit, had almost managed to convince us that he’d changed his asshole ways by announcing last month that he and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson had chosen to become pregnant with twin girls. Unfortunately, just like a true asshole do, he’s gone and undone any shred of hope that he’s a changed man by getting his ass arrested on Friday night for the Joe Francis-iest reason: assault.
TMZ says it all started when that dinosaur-looking douchebag decided to swing by the L.A. offices of Girls Gone Wild, probably to grab his girlfriend’s paystub (Fun Fact! They met doing GGW. Sorry, did I say fun? I meant fucking depressing). Except that he’s not allowed at the GGW office, due to a restraining order that prevents him from coming within 100 feet of the building. But because Joe Francis is as reasonable as a messy case of Taco Bell diarrhea, he entered the building, pushed past a security guard, and shoved an employee. Security called the cops, and he was hauled in to police station, where he was charged with misdemeanour battery and released.
If Joe Francis is looking to make a little extra cash, he could write a book on being a dumb asshole. An asshole assaults someone, but a dumb asshole violates a restraining order to assault someone. He could call it Goofs Gone Wild: The Joe Francis Guide To Going Back To Jail, and promote it with a stand-up comedy tour where he does a bunch of Jeff Foxworthy-style ‘You might be a dumb asshole’ jokes. “You might be a dumb asshole if your name is Joe Francis. Sorry guys, just like my dinosaur relatives, my brain is the size of a walnut; thinking isn’t exactly my strong suit.”
I will say this though: it’s nice to hear about Joe Francis not assaulting a woman for a change.
iPhone, meet your new wallpaper. If you put an empty Corona bottle in his hand and replaced that ugly ass casino carpet with dead grass, that would be my uncle at the end of every family gathering. Shit, that’s me at the end of every gathering.
Coochies got wet and laughs came flying out of mouths at Caesars Windsor in Windsor, Ontario, Canada last night when George Lopez’s drunk, juicy, bloated gut hung out as he took a little sweet nectar-induced nap on the floor. That picture is the reason why I’m choking on cackles today. CTV News says that police put George in handcuffs at 10:49pm for being messy and drunk in public. TMZ says that George wasn’t charged with anything, but he was thrown in the drunk tank to dry out. George performed at Caesars right before he did the funniest thing he’s ever done and he’s supposed to perform again there tonight.
Somewhere, George Lopez’s scorned ex-wife and her one kidney are laughing and laughing at the sight of her hooker-fucking piece of trash ex-husband being down and out in Windsor. And this goes without saying, but about this time tomorrow TMZ will report that Carlos Mencia was arrested for public intoxication after drunkenly passing out on the floor of Caesars Windsor. The Windsor PD should go ahead and leave a space empty in the drunk tank for Carlos.
I asked ‘Why?’ so many times during this story of Sam Worthington punching a paparazzi in the face that I had to step away from my desk and make a little plaque for it thanking it on its dedicated service as the most overused word in my vocabulary today (don’t worry – ‘fuck’ gets a runner-up trophy).
According to TMZ, actor Sam Worthington (skinny-legs from Avatar, “Perseus” from that movie where Liam Neeson shouts RELEASE THE KRAKEN) was out walking with his girlfriend, Lara Bingle (who’s name sounds like a fancy pink Christmas tree from the 70s) in Greenwich Village when a pap came up and kicked Lara in the shin. Sam reacted how most guys would if they saw someone kick their partner, and punched the pap in the face. Sam was then charged with assault and was released, and the pap, Sheng Li, was charged with reckless endangerment, assault, and harassment, and is still in the chokey.
Okay, so I have so many questions about this situation. Why did Sheng Li randomly kick Lara Bingle in the shin? What did Lara’s shin ever do to you, Sheng? Also, why were paps following Sam Worthington? Did I miss the memo that there’s a high demand for candid shots of the guy from Man on a Ledge?
But the most important Why is…why in the name of all that is holy were they out walking around in New York FOR FUN? It’s too fucking cold for that! The last time I checked, Satan and the bottom bitch he lets control the weather had dropped the temperature to Fuck You-degrees Fahrenheit; I’m sure Sheng Li was probably just trying to kick her back inside. “You wanna audition for the role of Jack Torrance’s frozen corpse in an off-Broadway production of The Shining? Git! Git back in the house! And take your dragon-fucking boyfriend with you!”
Chris Kattan NOOOOO! I thought his regretful mistakes couldn’t get any worse than marrying a woman named Sunshine, but apparently he’s capable of much worse. According to TMZ, at around 1am Sunday night, police in the San Fernando Valley saw Corky Romano slowly weaving his car around the 101 freeway before crossing into a coned-off area and rear ending a Dept. of Transportation vehicle. After blaming his loopy driving on prescription medications, he was made to perform a sobriety test (the video of which would be 100% less depressing if someone had set it to Haddaway) and after failing spectacularly, was arrested for DUI. I’d hate to sully the good name of the man who brought us such classic characters as Gay Hitler and Mr. Peepers, so I’d like to stress that its been confirmed that Chris Kattan was arrested for driving under the influence of sweet, sweet mind-numbing pills, and not the sweet nectar.
Normally, reading about a celebrity getting arrested for a DUI makes me pissed enough to scream ‘CALL A FUCKING CAB NEXT TIME, YOU DRUNK’ at my computer screen, but I’m giving Chris Kattan a pass because – FACT – Chris Kattan’s life post-SNL is a major bummer and the guy could use a break. Also, pills are hard; have you ever picked up a prescription from CVS, looked confusedly at the winky-eye warnings and thought “Damn, I hope there’s a Wikipedia page for this”? Just ask Liza Minnelli – it takes years to get good at pills. I know, I know, he shouldn’t get a pass for getting pill-high and driving through the valley just because his life sucks (if that were the case, Lindsay Lohan would have the cleanest record out there).
I can’t tell if this story will end with Chris Kattan going to rehab or doing a stint in prison (prison-prison, not the prison-like feeling that comes with spending 8-hours on set with Patricia Heaton) but one thing is for sure: he needs Will Ferrell back in his life. Steve Butabi, come get your brother Doug!
When a famous person dies of a heroin overdose, the police really do not fuck around and pull all of their magnifying glasses out to track down the dealers who sold him those bags of bad shit dust. Not even a week after Philip Seymour Hoffman died of a heroin overdose in his West Village apartment, the NYPD has put four alleged drug dealers in handcuffs.
The New York Post says that last night, cops raided three apartments on Mott Street in Manhattan and arrested four people, 3 dudes and 1 chick, and charged two of them with felony drug possession and the other two with misdemeanor drug possession. In the apartment, they found 350 glassine bags with heroin in them. The bags found in the “drug den” on Mott Street (Side note: Drug Den on Mott Street sounds like the title of White Oprah’s upcoming autobiography) didn’t have the “Ace of Spades” stamp on them. The dozens of baggies of heroin found in PSH’s apartment were all marked with either an “Ace of Spades” or “Ace of Hearts.” The cops don’t know if any of the four people arrested ever sold heroin to PSH, but sources told the cops that he has bought the bad shit from that drug den on Mott Street in the past. One of the dudes arrested, musician Robert Aaron Vineberg who has played with Wyclef Jean, told the Post that he did not sell drugs to PSH.
The police had originally suspected that the batch of heroin that PSH had in his apartment might’ve contained fentanyl, because 22 people in Pennsylvania died after doing heroin laced with that shit. But officials told The New York Times that preliminary tests of the heroin found in PSH’s apartment showed no traces of fentanyl.
Gothamist says that the police are trying to find the two men who were with PSH on Saturday night when he pulled $1200 out of an ATM at the D’Agostino at Greenwich and Bethune Streets. They believe that PSH bought heroin and coke from those two dudes. There’s no surveillance cameras around that ATM, so police are looking at other cameras in the area.
And for now, I leave you with this headline from my favorite international literary journal The Daily Mail:
“Gay lover.” I know that whenever I introduce a boyfriend to my friends and family I always introduce him as my “gay lover.”
UPDATE: In case you didn’t already figure that The National Enquirer made that shit up, David Katz says they made that shit up.
The little brats on the park playground who give Justin Bieber a wedgie when he’s hanging upside down on the jungle gym better bow down and pay respect the next time he waddles onto the sand, because he’s a bona fide international hood rat stuff crime boss now that he’s been busted for doing bad things in three different places. The Biebs is being investigated in L.A. for run-by egging his neighbor’s house, he’s being investigated in Miami for drunken drag racing and now he’s been charged in Toronto for whooping a limo driver’s ass in December. Wild Boyz are taking over the world! When they come to your door and demand that you give them 15 Goldfish crackers to live in their turf, you better give it to them or they’ll start crying and throw a tantrum and trust me you don’t want that.
CBC News says that on December 29th, a limo driver picked up the Biebs and his entourage of douche scabs at the Air Canada Centre and shortly afterward some kind of fight went down. The police were called and they originally thought that one of the Biebs’ bitches beat on the limo driver. But I guess the police realized that one of Justin’s hos was covering up for him, because they wanted to speak to him. They scheduled an interview with him, but since he’s about as cooperative as a giant hemorrhoid covering my b-hole, he didn’t show. The police didn’t want to play around anymore, so they ordered the Biebs to show up to the 52 Division police station tonight. The Biebs showed up and they booked him for assault. He’ll be released and have to come back to Toronto for a hearing.
The only thing I’m taking away from this story is that Justin Bieber is in Canada right now. That’s half the battle. Close the borders! Shut down the gates! Lock him out while we still can! Actually, that’s not fair to Canada. How about we trade Justin Bieber for Rob Ford? If Rob Ford, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen lived in this country together, the nation’s entire supply of crack would dwindle and they’d start turning on each other. It’s the perfect plan.
When Justin Bieber’s delusional and enabling mom Patti Mallette commanded you to pray for her son, most of us got our knees, put our hands together and prayed for the shit-covered wart on humanity’s left ass lip to get arrested and get deported back to Canada. Your prayers halfway worked. Thanks, Patti!
TMZ and pretty much every other damn news source in the world reports that the hardest Wild Boy on the Montessori Kindergarten playground got what he finally wanted, he got arrested. I know, it’s so hard for a white boy to get busted. The Lesbeaver should be arrested for being The Lesbeaver, but he got busted for drag racing, driving while under the influence of some mind numbing shit (read: Sizzurp laced with maple syrup), resisting arrest and driving on an expired license. You’re probably thinking that you used to ride your Big Wheels hard through your neighborhood and you never got pulled over by the cops, but this is Justin Bieber and nobody goes harder than that thug toddler.
The Miami New Times says that after leaving a club in Miami early this morning, Justin drove a rented yellow Lamborghini to a residential area and because everybody in his entourage is as fucked in the brains as he is, they blocked off the street so he could race against some rapper named Khalil. When the cops pulled Justin over for speeding, he was barely coherent, but my question is, is the bitch ever coherent? He took a sobriety test and failed and when they asked him to take his hands out of his pockets, he refused. The criminal egg thrower was arrested, his passenger (some Instagram model named Chantel Jeffries) was arrested and Khalil was arrested. He’s currently at the police department where they’re booking him, taking baby’s first mug shot and checking to see what his booze alcohol level is.
THIS STORY! This story is like a wide open ovary egg and the tears the Beliebers are shedding on Twitter is like potent jizz and together they’re making me give birth to a littler of YESes! An alert on my iPhone woke me up at the hour of the ungodly this morning and when I looked at it and saw the words “Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI And Drag Racing,” the singing voices of angels filled my ears and I got the image of The Lesbeaver drunkenly walking down the Drag Race catwalk in front of a side-eye throwing RuPaul. The best part is that this happened in Florida! Oh Florida, when you deliver, you really deliver. This story should come with a card attached that reads, “See, whores, we are good for something. Love, Florida.”