Kris Jenner must be changing her Spanx every 20 minutes due to all the attention-triggered pee dribbles she’s been letting out over this week. First there were the arrests, and now there are charges. I bet she’s already contacted Ryan Murphy and asked how much he’d pay for the exclusive rights to a little script she’s thrown together called American Krime Story: Kim vs. The Jewelry Thieves. “And if you need someone to play the lead role, I’ve been told I’m a dead ringer for Kim!”
One of Kim Kardashian’s favorite Paris chauffeurs is off the hook after getting arrested, along with several others, on Monday in connection with Kim’s jewel heist. TMZ says that the driver, Michael Madar, has been released from custody without being charged. Michael, seen above holding an umbrella in an attempt to keep Kim from melting, was arrested along with his brother Gary Madar.
Michael and Gary sometimes drive the Kardashians when they come to Paris, and Michael was the last person to drive Kim before she got robbedy. Police thought Michael might have been in on the suspected inside job, but the company he works for, UNIC Worldpass, tells TMZ that he was in custody for testimony purposes only. Gary Madar, on the other hand, might be a different story. The Daily Mail says he’s still in custody.
The police are still interrogating the robbers, but it sounds like one thing they might be giving up on is finding Kim’s gaudy jewels. Sources tell TMZ that Kim’s legal team has been told by police that her jewelry – including the $4 million diamond ring Kanye West gave her – is pretty much le gone. Police claim that most robbed diamonds are shipped off to Belgium and then disappear. I’m sure Kim and Kanye don’t really care. After all, having Kim covered in millions of dollars worth of jewels would really klash with the “pretend poor” aesthetic they’re going for on social media.
Being trapped in a vehicle and driving Kim Kardashian around sounds like the kind of job that would get real old really fast. You’d be constantly trying to figure out if the annoying vibrating sounds you’re hearing are from the engine or Kim’s drowsy baby voice. Your back seats will have to be replaced every four-to-six trips due to Kim’s ass wearing a giant misshapen groove in them. One of Kim’s Paris drivers won’t have to worry about how they’re going to tell her they can’t take it anymore and need to le quit, because they’re probably going to get le fired first.
And in a PLOT TWIST that may shock everyone who thought that the Kartrashian jewelry heist was a staged scheme for attention and insurance purposes, the people that were arrested didn’t include Kim Kartrashian herself, Kanye West, Pimp Mama Kris and producers from E! for falsifying a crime for ratings. So we’re not going to get the image of little Ryan Seacrest kicking and screaming as French police put him into Just My Size™ handcuffs.
“Don’t look to your left too fast or your that camera lens will be covered with fillers and tissue after your face explodes from seeing that much beauty up close.” – Jocelyn Wildenstein’s man to himself in that picture.
Last week, the 100% plastic feline jewel was arrested and slapped with feliney assault charges for allegedly going pussy gone rabid on her longtime man Lloyd Klein by clawing him, cutting him up with scissors and throwing a metal tray at him in her Trump World Tower apartment in Manhattan. Jocelyn was released back into the wild without having to post bail and went back to her apartment. But the cat scratch drama was hardly over.
Judge Reinhold, a man who has played both a pretend judge and a cartoon judge on television because his name is “Judge“, will soon face a real judge. The “Who’s on first?“-style jokes practically write themselves.