A little more than a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By The Bell, is back in again. The fuck-up is truly strong with this one. Page Six says that Screech was arrested in Wisconsin on Wednesday after violating the terms of his parole.
An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms. Maybe he showed the terms a clip of his sex tape? But they did confirm that he was in custody due to a probation whoopsie. Screech was put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so the obvious guess would be that his probation officer caught within 100 feet of a bar or a switchblade or the guy or something. However, sources tells TMZ that Screech’s arrest is drug related. Goddamn it, Screech, didn’t you learn anything from that PSA you made with Brandon Tartikoff? There’s no hope with dope!
I know that Dustin Diamond is like a moth to a forever fucking up flame, but damn if he didn’t go back to jail sooner than I expected. It’s barely been six weeks. Not to mention that only last week he was on Extra telling Mario Lopez that he wanted to put the “tomfoolery and malarkey” behind him and focus on starting a family. Maybe he missed jail too much and wanted to go back. But why? Who misses being in jail? Were Screech and his fellow inmates keeping themselves entertained by acting out old episodes of Saved by the Bell, and his early release fucked up the production schedule? “Look, I need to get back inside. They’re doing the fake IDs episode next week, and I’m the only one who knows the blocking for the scene at The Attic!”
I’m sure your first reaction after seeing the words “shit” and “front lawn” was to assume that this happened in Florida, but no, this actually happened in Arizona. I’m pretty sure if this happened in Florida, it would be accompanied by the words “…and then a methed-up gator slipped on it.”
The poo gone wrong story begins with a 33-year-old reporter for local news station KPHO named Jonathan Lowe. Jonathan was covering a story in Goodyear, Arizona on Monday when all of a sudden, his brain received a message from his colon informing him that here was a dump in his butt than needed to come out. Around 3:30pm, a witness claims she saw a man exit the KPHO news van, pick up several papers from the street, casually stroll over to a neighbor’s front lawn, pull down his pants, and proceed to let out a freshly baked booty cake. I wonder if before he did it, he announced “Jonathan Lowe here with some late breaking poos” in his reporter voice?
Once the witness realized what was happening, she called the police. She also didn’t have any trouble ID’ing the alleged poopetrator; the witness recognized that it was the same Jonathan Lowe from television.
According to a police report obtained and published by Jonathan’s now-former employer KPHO, Jonathan greeted the cops when they arrived on the scene and told them he knew what they were there about. Jonathan explained to the cops that the reason why he “took care of business” on someone’s front lawn was because he had been feeling sick and was stuck in the van all day. Sadly, Jonathan’s turds didn’t have to be public; a neighbor told police that if he had knocked on her door, she would have let him use her bathroom.
Jonathan was arrested and charged with public defecation. He was later released with a citation. No word on what happened to the dookie, but I hope other news stations had the decency to blur it out when the inevitable media circus arrived to cover the story. That poor doo doo didn’t ask for all this attention.
It’s been a whole month since we last heard anything about Katt Williams, and I was starting to get a little worried. But there’s no need to send out a search party, because Katt is back and he’s brought an arrest, a new mugshot, and a story that involves beating a dude with a salt shaker and a hide-out at a Waffle House with him. Uh…welcome back? I guess?
TMZ and WSB-TV2 Atlanta are reporting that police were called to a seafood restaurant in Atlanta, GA on Wednesday evening after Katt Williams allegedly started a fight with the manager. Around 10:30pm, Katt and his friends entered the restaurant, refused to wait to be seated, and just took a table. TMZ says that shortly after they broke Restaurant Commandment #1 (“Thou shalt not seat thyselves wherever the fucketh you want unless we sayeth so”), the manager of the restaurant swung by their table and got into it with them for not waiting to be seated. Katt allegedly decided to take the fight to the next level by grabbing a salt shaker and whipping it at the manager’s face. Feel free to make your own “assault with a salt” jokes here.
Katt’s salt shaker caught the manager on the lip and he started bleeding. That’s when Katt bailed. When the cops arrived, Katt was no where to be found. Katt was found a short while later at a nearby Waffle House, where he was arrested and charged with battery. Katt posted bond and was back on the streets around 12:30am.
This story is all kind of crazy, but considering the circumstances, it could have been so much more. Katt had access to all manner of makeshift weapons and a salt shaker was the closest thing to him. If The Butterfly Effect has taught me anything, it’s that if Katt had arrived a few seconds earlier or later, that salt shaker could have just as easily been a lobster tail or a plate of fried clams. But I think the craziest thing about this story is that the actual fight didn’t happen at the Waffle House. Katt Williams and a Waffle House sounds like a perfect storm of messiness.
Pic: East Point Police Department via TMZ
A Man Was Arrested For Not Returning A VHS Copy Of “Freddy Got Fingered” That He Rented More Than A Decade Ago
Here’s a story that couldn’t be more early-2000s unless it rode in wearing a pair of Y2K glasses on the hood of a cyber green VW Beetle driven by the Weakest Link lady. A man from North Carolina named James Meyers recently found himself on the shit end of a pair of handcuffs and it’s all thanks to a VHS rental copy of Freddy Got Fingered.
James tells WSOC-TV (via NY Daily News) that police pulled him over for a broken taillight on Tuesday while driving his daughter to school, and that’s when he discovered there was a warrant out for his arrest. James rented Freddy Got Fingered from a video store back in 2002, but he forgot to return it. James was allowed to drive his daughter to school, but when he got back, he was arrested and charged with failure to return rental property. Even though the video store where James rented Freddy Got Fingered has closed, James still has to show up in court at the end of April, and he could be punished with a fine of up to $200.
Tom Green, seen above wearing a cheese helmet in one of Freddy Got Fingered more memorable scenes, heard about James’ arrest and has offered to pay the fine in the event he’s convicted.
As anyone who remembers what it was like to rent videos in the old days knows, some video rental places used to take late fees very seriously. There were many times Blockbuster threatened to sic a collection agency on my ass over a runaway rental. So James is real lucky that the video rental industry is laying on its deathbed, or else he might be facing more than just a fine. If I remember correctly, back in the old days, keeping a movie for that long was punishable by death.
What I don’t get is how not returning a VHS copy of Freddy Got Fingered got James an arrest warrant. The video rental place should have been grateful that James took it off their hands permanently.
Pic: 20th Century Fox
TMZ says that Katt Williams was arrested in Georgia yesterday. And I’m about to tell you something that might shock you, so you better sit down: It wasn’t for punching someone. I can barely believe it myself. The Hall County Sheriff’s Office tells TMZ that Katt was arrested after weed and weapons were found inside his house.
The reason for why the cops were searching his home is crazier than the actual arrest. It all started on March 1 (the same the day Katt punched a “rapper“ in Los Angeles), when one of his bodyguards went to the police claiming that Katt had roughed him up and threatened to kill him. According to WSB-TV Atlanta, Feral Katt was pissed that his bodyguard, Corey Dixon, refused to do some illegal shit for him, so he allegedly had one of his minions choke and beat Corey with a baseball bat while he watched.
When the police raided Katt’s house Tuesday morning, they found “large quantities” of weed and several firearms. Katt was arrested for the following: aggravated assault, terroristic threats, false imprisonment, as well as possession of drugs and weapons. 24-year-old Tatiana Smith, the person who Katt ordered to beat and choke his bodyguard, was also arrested for her involvement.
I always thought it was weird that Katt Williams was friends with Suge Knight, because on the outside, it seemed like they really didn’t have much in common. As it turns out, they have plenty in common. Like arranging hits on their enemies and watching while it goes down. Or this could just be Katt filling in for Suge while he’s on the inside. I wasn’t watching closely when Suge Knight shuffled off to jail, so I could have missed the moment when he crouched down and passed the sadistic monster torch to Katt Williams on the way in.
I went in to today assuming that no news reported today would be able to hold a candle to Leonardo DiCaprio finally getting his hands on the gold-plated trophy of his dreams. But non-Oscar news has really come hard today. First there was the story about Chris Jones’ fugitive penis, and now we have a story about a retail brawl starring a pocket-sized stand-up comedian who isn’t Kevin Hart. Although Kevin Hart does make an appearance in this story a little while later.
According to TMZ, Katt Williams – who looks a whole lot less like Katt Williams when he isn’t wearing his usual Hunger Games pimp drag – was arrested earlier today in Gainesville, Georgia for getting into a fight with an employee at a pool supply store. Police say it started as a verbal fight that escalated into a regular fight when Katt threw something at the employee (my guess is a package of Star Wars dildo-style pool toys), which was then followed by a punch. When police arrived, they claimed to have found Katt Williams waiting for them on the ground with his hands behind his back. TMZ says he was released on $5000 bail.
If this story is giving you déjà vu, it might be because you’ve heard it before. Back in 2012, Katt Williams got into a verbal fight that turned into a slap fight with an employee at a Sacramento Target store. Basically, Katt Williams needs to get a fucking Amazon Prime account and start doing all his shopping online, because he clearly can’t handle the in-store experience.
Now, remember two seconds ago when I mentioned that Kevin Hart? Katt’s recent disturbance doesn’t end at starting fights with store employees. BET says that during a comedy show in Atlanta on Saturday, Katt hissed at Kevin Hart for being a “puppet” and accused him of sucking dicks to get ahead. Once again, if this sounds familiar to you, it might be because you’re remembering back to 2012 when Katt Williams wanted you to know that he’s 100% sure Jamie Foxx is gay.
That’s a weird coincidence, right? Pretty much the exact same shit happened four years later. Katt Williams is the leap year of messes. And here’s Katt Williams’ current nemesis at the Oscars last night.
Rob Kartrashian is probably begging his family to rent him a private jet so he can fly to Austin, TX and stand outside of the police station with a “FREE CHYNA” sign. Because the big-assed plastic Real Doll who is currently his full-time fuck partner was arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport after she allegedly caused a drunken scene on a flight from L.A. The flames of Hell are burning high tonight as Lucifer’s proudest creation Pimp Mama Kris cackles into the air.
TMZ says that Blac Chyna (born name: Angela Renee White) was headed for London and she had a layover in Austin. Blac Chyna was apparently such a boozed-up disaster on the flight from L.A. to Austin that the crew called in the cops who were at the gate when the plane landed. Someone who was on the plane tells TMZ that Blac Chyna was wasted and only stopped fighting for a second to tie her Yeezys. Pro tip: If you plan to get angry drunk on a flight, don’t wear lace-up shoes. They’ll only get in the way of you fighting with everyone.
An eyewitness tells TMZ, Chyna appeared “heavily intoxicated” on the plane and was “fighting” with a flight attendant, acting “like a drunken fool.” Another eyewitness says, at one point she screamed, “Y’all got no respect for me. I gotta tie my shoes. Let me tie my Yeezys.”
When Blac Chyna got off the plane, she called an airline employee a “nasty bitch” as she ran toward her connecting flight. The cops put her in handcuffs and arrested her. She was crying when they took her away. She was booked for public intoxication.
You know how we always say that the boyfriends and husbands of the Kartrashians are kursed and find their lives in the gutter (see: Lamar Odom and Scott Disick)? Well, I guess the same goes for the girlfriends of the Kartrashians too. But damn, I didn’t know Pimp Mama Kris worked this fast. I’ll never underestimate her black magic skills again.
UPDATE: Blac Chyna also had 1 gram (but no more than 4 grams) of some kind of shit on her because she was also charged with drug possession. PMK is pulling out all the stops!
Another speeding train just crashed into the train wreck pile that is the Palins. Train wrecks be train wreckin’ again.
Gawker says that Sarah Palin’s oldest kid, 26-year-old Track Palin (he’s the one in the back), was arrested in Wasilla, Alaska last night after he allegedly got violent with a woman while boozed up. Let this be a lesson to parents everywhere: Never EVER commit child abuse by naming your kid Track. Nothing good can come of it. Dude will always be running into trouble with a name like Track.
Wasilla P.D. said that they went to a house last night after getting a call about a domestic violence incident. The cops said that after doing a little investigating they learned that a member of Wasilla’s royal family drunkenly assaulted a woman while carrying a gun. They put Track in handcuffs and charged him with three misdemeanors. The police gave this statement to Gawker:
On 01/18/2016 at approximately 2204 hours, Wasilla Police responded to a residence for a disturbance. An investigation revealed Track Palin had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated. Palin was arrested and charges of assault in the fourth degree (domestic violence), interfering with a domestic violence report, and misconduct involving weapons in the fourth degree were forwarded to the District Attorney’s Office. Palin was held without bail until arraignment.
Damn that Track, smearing the Palin family’s pristine reputation like that.
Back in 2015, Track and his family were involved in that hot trashy brawl at a snowmobile party. It ended with a shirtless track flipping people off in the street. And now here is. I don’t know why those Palins even bother with politics when their true calling is reality TV. (That Sarah Palin’s Alaska show doesn’t count.) You’d think that the world of reality TV would’ve fully embraced their boozin’, brawlin’ and barebackin’ antics by now. Oh, and Sarah Palin officially endorsed Donald Trump today. I didn’t read her statement, but I’m guessing that it stops after 3 sentences because she quit writing it halfway through.
A Carter was arrested last night and it wasn’t Aaron Carter for breaking into Hilary Duff’s bedroom to steal her worn panties, hump her pillow and make out with her toothbrush. Nick Carter was arrested after he allegedly busted out a violent, drunken scene at Hog’s Breath Saloon in Key West, FL. Nick Carter acting a mess at Hog’s Breath Saloon isn’t even the most Florida news I read yesterday. That title goes to the story about the dude who ate crack in front of a cop during a traffic stop.
According to Gossip Cop, the police report says that Nick and another dude named Michael Rae Papayans showed up to Hog’s Breath Saloon at around 7pm last night and they were both several kinds of wasted. The bartender refused to help them get drunker by serving them more booze and he told them both to take their asses out of the bar. That set Michael off and he allegedly head-butted the bar manager while Nick choked out the bouncer. The bar’s staff joined forces and held Nick and Michael down until the police showed up.
TMZ says that Nick and Michael were both arrested for battery and are still in custody. Nick said a couple of months ago that he’s dry now and completely off booze and the bad shit. Nick’s wife Lauren Kitt is currently knocked up with their child.
TMZ also posted body cam footage shot by a Key West police officer after the bar fight. The video looks like it was shot with a water-damaged Le Clic from the 80s, but you can clearly hear Michael admit that they were drunk as hell and he blames the fight on Nick. Michael also name drops Nick Carter’s name to the cop and the cop didn’t flinch. I’m surprised the cop didn’t stop everything and squeal out, “THEE Nick Carter? That changes everything! You’re both free to go as soon as you give me an autograph and a selfie!” That cop is obviously a 98 Degrees fan.
And the only thing I want to know is if the bouncer screamed, “Quit playing games with my froat,” when Nick Carter choked him. Yeah, yeah, I’ll start walking toward the exit as you cue up The Price is Right losing horn.
Bill Cosby Charged With Aggravated Assault And An Arrest Warrant Has Been Issued (Update With Mug Shot!)
Bill Cosby and Elmo… Two disgusting and nasty trashy peas in a disgusting and nasty pod.
A belated Christmas miracle happened today. The Pennsylvania District Attorney charged Bill Cosby with aggravated assault, a felony, for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand in 2004. Andrea Constand, who was the operations manager of Temple University’s women’s basketball team at the time, says that the fallen Puddin’ Pop kingpin drugged and raped her at his home in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania in January 2004.