Based on my truly rudimentary knowledge of Sweden, it is my understanding that Sweden is a magical land of easy-to-assemble furniture, wacky eye-less puppet chefs, and rivers filled with delicious red candy fishes. And today I learned it’s also the sort of place where Snoop Dogg can get arrested.
TMZ says that Snoop Dogg found himself on the receiving end of a pair of whatever the Swedish word for hand cuffs is (Google translate tells me it’s “handbojor“, which is all kinds of terrific) on Saturday after police suspected him of driving under the influence of narcotics. Snoop had just come from a show in Uppsala, Sweden, and was showing signs of being a mess on the road, so police pulled him over and took him to the police station for a drug test. He’s currently sitting in Swedish jail. However, Snoop Dogg has called bullshit on the DUI and thinks he was pulled over by the police because he’s black. Snoop documented his arrest in a series of Instagram videos, and he says in one of them that the arrest was nothing but an act of racial profiling.
He also claims that they “didn’t find shit” during his urine test. A spokesman for the Swedish police threw a side-eye at Snoop’s claim of racial profiling and told TMZ “We don’t work like that in Sweden.”
The police tell TMZ that it will take two weeks to get Snoop’s drug test back. I don’t know how Swedish law works, but does that mean Snoop will be in Swedish jail for the next two weeks? I can’t even imagine what Swedish jail would be like. I bet they punish prisoners by forcing them to build an IKEA media center without the instructions while listening to “Waterloo” on repeat.
Whoever holds the record for the most mug shots taken (Lindsay?) better be prepared to lose their title, because DMX added another mug shot to his 8-foot-tall pile. “DMX got arrested” is the new “water is wet.”
PIX-11 in NYC says that DMX (born name: Earl Simmons) was on his way to perform in a concert at Radio City Music Hall when the cops got his ass for “several outstanding issues.” DMX owes $400,000 in child support, so Erie County Family court issued a warrant for his arrest. The city of White Plains also issued an arrest warrant on his ass for bail jumping and the city of Yonkers has accused him of being an “aggravated unlicensed motor vehicle operator.” On top of all of that, Newark, NJ filed a complaint against DMX for his possible involvement in a gas station robbery on April 5th. In other words, every damn city in the tri-state area has DMX’s name on a warrant list.
Because DMX was busy getting arrested, he wasn’t able to perform at Radio City. The show, which featured a bunch of rappers, went on without him. DMX later bailed out.
I get that the cops had to arrest DMX’s beyond messy ass since he has a warrant in practically every county, but shouldn’t they have waited until AFTER the show? Since DMX owes three shit loads in child support, they should’ve waited until he did the job and got the check before bringing him in along with the money he just made. How is he supposed to make a dent in that child support balance if they arrest him before he gets that paycheck? And DMX really needs to get it all the way together before he once again ends up nibbling green bologna sandwiches in a desert tent while wearing pink jail clothes. Believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism.
Permanently exhausted-looking rapper, Florida native, and owner of several gorgeous tattoos Rick Ross recently did his home state proud by getting arrested for a bunch of messy stuff. TMZ says that Rick Ross aka Ricky Rozay (a nickname that I’m sure he shares with many rosé-loving middle-aged women named Ricki) was arrested early this morning in Fayette County, Georgia by the Southeast Regional Fugitive Task Force of the U. S. Marshals Service and charged with the following: kidnapping, aggravated assault, and aggravated battery. The U. S. Marshals! Damn, you know you did something wrong when Samuel Gerard is after you.
Rick Ross was arrested early this morning, but apparently all the illegal stuff he got arrested for happened two weeks ago. According to TMZ, Rick Ross was having work done on his house in Georgia and he and his bodyguard allegedly got into a fight with one of the workers. They don’t say why, but let’s just pretend it was over subway tiles. Ross allegedly pistol whipped the guy, which I guess would be the aggravated battery part. And then I suppose he fled, since the Fugitive Task Force was after them. Ross’ bodyguard was also arrested.
This isn’t the first time Ross has had a run-in with the law in Fayette County, Georgia. Two weeks ago, police busted him for possession of weed. Maybe if he asks nicely, the judge will bundle the charges into one convenient court date.
But back to that kidnapping charge. TMZ says that Ross was charged with kidnapping because he would let the guy working on his house leave. Now I can’t stop picturing Rick Ross blocking the front door and yelling “Listen up, motherfucker – you’re not leaving till you fix the grout on those subway tiles. I said gray, not white!“
Shortly after he was sentenced to 750 hours of community service and fined $5000 for acting like a bratty butthole on an airplane, Conrad Hilton decided to celebrate his official induction into the spoiled rotten rich kid delinquent club by doing some more illegal shit. TMZ says that Paris Hilton’s shady little brother broke into the home of his ex-girlfriend, Hunter Salomon. If that name is sounding familiar to you, it’s because she’s the daughter of douchebag hall of famer Rick Salomon. And if that sounds familiar to you, it’s because Rick Salomon is the guy who did Paris Hilton in 1 Night in Paris. Sing it with me now! “It’s a small, small woooooorld.”
Just like Conrad’s airplane drama, his break-in was also messy. After Hunter and Conrad broke up, he apparently turned into a Lifetime made-for-TV movie type of ex-boyfriend. Hunter claims he was obsessive and scary, and kept showing up at her house in the middle of the night threatening to kill himself. So she took out a restraining order against him. Then on Monday night, Conrad decided it was a good idea to violate the restraining order by showing up at her house and breaking into it. He wasn’t inside for very long; the house was soon swarmed by police and he was taken into custody.
Conrad is only 21 years old and he’s already been arrested for driving like a mess, going berserk on an airplane, breaking into a house and he’s had a restraining order placed on him. I think It’s safe to say that Paris Hilton can officially abdicate the throne and crown Conrad the trashiest member of the Hilton family. Speaking of, here’s Her Skankyness at a club in Milan on Sunday.
Seen above looking like a fourth-rate Yellow Pages DMC from Run DMC impersonator sticking out of a giant grizzly bear’s pussy, Diddy was arrested by campus police at UCLA this afternoon after he allegedly went crazy on his son’s football coach and threatened to smash a trick with a kettlebell. If you’re like me and don’t know what a kettlebell is, because you only go to the gym to watch buff guys workout and to use the hot tub, this is what a kettlebell looks like:
TMZ says that the fight went down at the UCLA Athletic Facility today. A source tells TMZ that yesterday, a Strength and Conditioning Coach (Side note: My hair could use a Strength and Conditioning Coach because shit has been brittle and dry lately) screamed at Diddy’s son Justin Combs, who is a defensive back on the team, and rode his ass hard (and not in a sexy way). The coach Sal Alosi allegedly told Justin not to come back until the end of the summer. So Diddy went to UCLA today to have a little talk with Sal Alosi.
A source close to Diddy (Hi Diddly’s publicist!) claims that Sal Alosi refused to see him, but he busted into the office anyway. Sal threatened to call security and shit got serious when Diddy said, “Fine, I’ll call the police.” Sal lost his mind and went after Diddy. Diddy grabbed a kettlebell and held it up, but never hit Sal with it. A UCLA source tells a different story, of course. That source claims that Sal was on the phone when Diddy came into the office. Sal told Diddy to hold on, but the only thing he wanted to hold on to was Sal’s ripped-off head. That source says that Diddy picked up the kettlebell and tried to hit Sal in the head with it.
Diddy was arrested on a charge of assault with a deadly weapon. As of Monday night, Diddy is still in campus jail. (Update: Diddy was transferred to L.A. County jail where he was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly kettlebell, one count of making terrorist threats and one count of battery. He paid the $50,000 bail and was released.)
The entire messy scene is on video, so I’m sure it will show up on TMZ in 3..2….
There’s another layer of fuckery on top of this fuckery enchilada. Sal Alosi used to be a coach for the NY Jets and he was suspended by the NFL in 2010 for purposefully tripping a Miami Dolphins player during a game.
I bet that video looks like a fight on Dance Moms, only bitchier and with more high-pitched screaming. You know what’s hard to believe about this story? I’m having a hard time believing that Diddy actually picked up that kettlebell by himself. I mean, Diddly can’t even hold an umbrella in his delicately manicured hands. Are we sure one of his butlers didn’t pick up the kettlebell for him?
Well, now we know what Uncle Jesse did with that beer he confiscated from DJ at the Spring Backwards Dance. No! Uncle Jesse would never! But apparently John Stamos would. TMZ says that America’s forever hot uncle was busted for DUI on Friday night in Beverly Hills, and apparently he was a damn wreck.
Police got a call around 7:45pm about a silver Mercedes swerving around the streets like the Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Once police caught up to John Stamos, he couldn’t even roll down his window and greet the cops with a “Have mercy!“; John was so fucked up, the police had to call paramedics to take his ass to the hospital. Nobody else was in the car with Uncle Jesse when got arrested. He has been charged with misdemeanor DUI. Somewhere in a fancy Manhattan penthouse, the Olsen Twins just let out a sinister cackle.
Of course, TMZ has video of John Stamos getting arrested last night, and this is what he looked like.
John Stamos — Busted for DUI http://t.co/uW29ELXFhz
— TMZ (@TMZ) June 13, 2015
To be honest, he doesn’t actually look that bad. At one point during the video, it looks like he smells Kimmy Gibbler’s stanky feet and tries to drunkenly wave it away from his face, but that’s about it. Other than that, John Stamos looks pretty sexy. Looks like we can add “Getting arrested for DUI” to the already miles-long list of things John Stamos looks hot while doing. And once his mugshot is released, it’s probably safe to say we’ll be adding “Taking a mugshot” to that list as well.
TMZ says that after four days on the loose, Mila Kunis’ stalker Stuart Lynn Dunn (seen above in one of his many mugshots) has finally been caught by police. Stuart escaped the Olive Vista Behavioral Health Center in Pomona, CA where he was being held on Saturday by slipping out of a bathroom window, and went on the run. According to TMZ, police found him earlier today hanging out in an alley in Santa Monica, at which point he was arrested and taken into custody. Probation officials are currently investigating what he was doing while he was on the loose, and trying to find out whether or not he tried to contact Mila Kunis.
I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but I can’t believe Stuart Lynn Dunn made it so far. If Google Maps is correct, Pomona is almost 47 miles away from Santa Monica. Put into perspective, that’s like 16 hours of non-stop walking. That’s too much walking! He’s like that damn Proclaimers song. Good lord, I would have turned my ass around and headed back the second I hit West Covina.
Regardless, at least Mila Kunis can now let out a giant sigh of relief that her stalker isn’t out stalking anymore. Now the only person she has to worry about creeping around her backyard is her “former childhood friend” and current fame whore Kristina Karo on the never-ending search for some quick cash…I mean, her long-lost stolen chicken.
Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1’s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.
Can you get arrested for looking like a sun-damaged douchebag? NO! It turns out it’s for an actual crime. According to The Wall Street Journal, a federal judge issued an arrest warrant for Girls Gone Wild founding sleazy weasel Joe Francis on Tuesday because he failed to give two cars to his lawyers as payment for helping him sell the GGW brand to pay off his $30 million gambling debts. Paying your lawyers in cars? You know you’re a deadbeat when.
The WSJ says that Joe Francis previously claimed he couldn’t hand over the cars (a 2007 Cadillac Escalade and a 2012 Bentley Flying Spur) because he didn’t have them anymore. According to Joe, an angry strip club owner in Mexico took them as payment for a bunch of GGW promotions that fell through after the company filed for bankruptcy in February of 2013. Joe sold GGW to prevent Las Vegas’ Steve Wynn – the person he owed that $30 million to – from taking control of the company’s assets, and that’s how we ended up in this mess.
Nobody really knows where Joe Francis is right now, but many suspect he’s hiding out at his house in Mexico, which means he might be safe for now. Someone who knows law stuff told the WSJ that “the extradition treaty between the countries only provides for the capture and return of people who face criminal charges, not civil contempt.” I think that’s a lot of big words that mean he’s popping a bottle of Deadbeat’s Choice™ champagne-style drink with Litibu the sea lion right now.
Joe Francis is an honorary Kardashian Kousin, so I wonder if he tried to hit up Pimp Mama Kris and the krew for a couple of their old cars. Although that’s assuming he could even get through; something tells me the second they found out he was broke, they all had an “I don’t know him” ready for when the operator informed them they have a collect call from a Joey F. in Mexico.
I’m sure you’re thinking “Okay, but was it Hobie from Baywatch or Jeremy Jackson who stabbed somebody“, and the answer to that is: a little from column A and a little from column B. According to the Los Angeles Times, Jeremy Jackson, aka Hobie from Baywatch, was arrested on Saturday for assault with a deadly weapon after he allegedly stabbed a man and fled the scene on Friday. Police say the man, who was treated for a stab wound on his torso at an L.A. hospital, identified his attacker as “Hobie.”
The next day, police received a report of a prowler about 3 and a half miles away from where the stabbing happened, and when they went to investigate, they found Hobie, aka Jeremy Jackson. That’s when they arrested his ass and took him in. This is not Hobie’s first arrest; in 2005 he was arrested for setting up a meth lab in his house.
Hobie/Jeremy Jackson (the police also say he sometimes goes by “Jeremy Dunn” as well) used to be a major druggy, and he got clean a couple years ago thanks to Dr. Drew and the Celebrity Rehab crew, but it sounds like he might be in bad way again. Stabbing someone is definitely the type of thing you do when your head isn’t in the right place. David Hasselhoff, come get your TV son! And if you’re too busy, feel free to send your busted wax figure; at this point, Hobie needs whatever help he can get.