Last week, Bam Margera was kicked off a flight for being drunk. A quick peek at his Instagram account showed that he was spending most of his time hurling insults at his mother, April Margera, and his wife, Nikki Margera. Bam also used some of his time on Instagram to ask Dr. Phil for help. If you saw the name Dr. Phil and assumed it was going to get worse before it got better, you’d be correct. Because things are worse.
Bam Margera is having a week. First, he got kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess and then videotaped himself yelling at an airline employee (because the employee had the audacity to say he had more than one drink). Bam then went on to air ALL of his dirty laundry on several long-winded Instagram posts, calling out his mom and wife. Finally, Bam showed a true break from reality when he asked Dr. Phil to come in and fix it all. Well it turns out Dr. Phil heard the call for him to get some attention. Dr. Phil met with Bam and his family and he is now on his way to rehab. You know Dr. Drew is fuming he didn’t get that call.
Bam Margera is a mess. What started with Bam getting kicked off a Southwest flight from Atlanta for being a drunken wreck culminated in Bam giving a long–and I mean long–dissertation of everything that’s wrong in his life and how he desperately needs Dr. Phil‘s help. I mean, that’s not where to go for actual emotional or mental help, but okay.
The humanized scab skin torn off of a skater boy’s knee named Bam Margera is now getting into the rap game and has a new song out called “Bend My Dick To My Ass” and it’s only a matter of time before the RIAA certifies it triple gold condom wrapper. Shooting liquefied human waste into his mouth made Bam a TV and movie star, so he’s hoping it’ll make him dubstep star too.
In the video for the tuck fuck anthem of our time, Bam and a fellow down river skank dry hump in the back of a car and flash their parts all around Iceland. The true bright spot of the video is at the 2:44 mark when Bam takes a sip of the piss geyser shooting out of his peen hole. (The prolific piss drinker from My Strange Addiction is totally in love.) If you think about it, whatever shoots out of his dick is probably not as disgusting or diseased as the shit that’s in his mouth, so if anything, he’s cleaning out his filthy trash hole.
And the lyrics to this beautiful song have confirmed that Bam is the most influential poet of our time.
In a coffee shop in heaven somewhere, Robert Frost is writing a 5,000 word poem about how he’s disappointed at himself for not coming up with the poetic line “Bend My Dick To My Ass So That I Can Fuck Myself.” That’s exactly the line that The Road Not Taken needed to make it a real masterpiece. And will somebody please give me Bam Margera’s phone number, because I need to beg him to let me use the line “Titty Fuck My Ass Cheeks” as the title of my memoirs. That line is my entire life summed up in five words.
In other Bam news, he was kicked out of a hotel in Brisbane after he ruined the paintings in his room by drunkenly painting over them with a bunch of his piece of trash friends. If the hotel owners saw Bam’s music video, they’d understand his art and wouldn’t have kicked him out. You can’t keep an artist from making art just like you can’t keep a Bam Margera from bending his dick to his ass.
Bam Margera, one of the humanized scabs from Jackass, has probably been woken up by all sorts of not-so-fresh fuckery like blow horns in his ears, monkey farts in his nostrils and man piss on his face, but last night he was woken up a nekkid ass nekkid crazy bitch who started kissing on him in his bed. Before you shout “So that’s what my mom was doing last night!” the crazy girl is 24-years-old.
Every damn night Mel Gibson prays to God to drop a naked, horny young trick into his bed to blow him before Jacuzzi, so Mel’s prayer must’ve somehow been accidentally filed in Bam Margera’s prayer box instead. That sound you hear is Mad Mel screaming at God up in the sky for granting his wish to the wrong bitch.
TMZ says that right after the crazy naked bitch woke Bam up by kissing on him, he must’ve had a moment of clarity and realized only the craziest crazy of skanky skanky bitches would crawl into HIS bed. Because instead of giving her some kisses back, he threw the crazy off of him and called 911. While he was on the phone with 911, the crazy bitch added even more layers of slimy crazy by getting on the floor to do herself with her hand. Once Bam hung up with the police, he kicked that her out of his house. The police later caught her in the area around Bam’s house. Bitch could be charged with burglary, criminal trespassing and stalking, and for some reason she wasn’t charged with sexual assault and vandalizing carpet with her coochie juices.
THE HELL is right. Either this crazy bitch was a maenad on the wrong stuff or we’re going to learn on the next Jackass movie that this was really Johnny Knoxville in a wig and a rubber pussy on his crotch.
We all know the story of Ryan Dunn’s untimely death when he rocketed his Porsche off the road after filling his tank with the nectar of the gods, killing himself and his passenger. In an emotional inteview, Bam Margera talked to E! Online about the death of his bff and said that it wasn’t the first time Ryan had flirted with the reaper on that same stretch of road. Damn.
Bam said “He flipped me in a car eight times at the same exact spot in 1996. Thank God I had my seat belt on, because Chris Raab put one on me, but my brother didn’t have one on. He flew 40 feet. Thank God he’s alive. But like, Dunn was always a maniac at driving.”
Later in the interview, Bam read a text, the last words he ever heard from his friend. “Stopping for a beer, be there when I can.”
You know, I can’t even snark on this shit. It’s sad, it’s wasteful, and it was so avoidable. Dude rolled his car eight fucking times and almost killed his friends in the same spot he was doing 140 mph in 15 years later. We all know some crazy ass who always seems to skirt the inevitable, but eventually shit’s gonna go down. Just, damn.