If you’ve got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky’s mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky’s spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!

“In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy.”

Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it’s going to be alright.

As for Doug, at least he’ll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky’s crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.

Shia LaOedipus already made us all turns our heads, cross our arms and give him a side-eye for saying that if he could be with his super sexy mother, he would. Well, Shia is back for more! During an interview with Parade Magazine, they asked him where he got his sense of humor from. They probably regretted asking the question.

“My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked — just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor.“

You know, fuck Shia for giving me the image of him smoking the good shit while laughing at his parents wet humping like two seals. Since they are hippies, they are probably into doing that tantric shit on Persian rugs. The room probably smelled like patchouli, burnt weed and hot mayo. Not hilarious. Not humorous.

Shia, save this kind of shit for your deep conversations with Professor Whore Face.

Damn. When Shia and Megan have a private conversation, every light bulb in the room burns out.

Never before has a fugshot caused my brain to almost malfunction because of the dozens of images flying at me. I saw DEATH, an anorexic Penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.

Who knew that Phil Spector was hiding a mullet and some broke down plugs underneath his wig.

This mug shot is trying to lure me into the back of a van by promising me endless supplies of candy. I am not taking the candy. NO.

Send your dry cleaning bill to The Smoking Gun for providing this portrait of fugness.

Kristin Calamari (or whatever the hell her name is) doesn’t have what it takes to pull off this truly elegant ho dress. Sit down and let Heather Graham represent! – Hollywood Tuna

They forgot to paint over Gisele Bundchen’s face – Egotastic!

Cristiano Ronaldo is comfortable enough with his sexuality to where a purdy pink flower in his hair – Towleroad

After watching this video, I’ve come to the conclusion that binge drinking is the right thing to do (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Coke residue – Cityrag

When Sasha Fierce met JUST PLAIN FIERCE – Just Jared

Julia Roberts & David Letterman lurve each other – Lainey Gossip

Barf up your life: Scary Spice sexes up her husband 5 times a day – Hollywood Rag

Posh is ridiculous – Popsugar

Lady Cacaface – Daily Mail

Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like shit.”

TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: “You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice.” And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, “Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I’ll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this.”

Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?

Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She’ll get a job at Fox News. She’ll marry some billionaire. She’ll only wear Talbots. And she’ll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.

After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she’ll record a Christian disco album.

I hope I’m at least right about the very last part.

Everybody needs to watch this video, take notes and pay close attention to everything Baby Smiley does! Homegirl speaks the truth! She’s right when she says that if you don’t put your eyeliner on hella thick, nobody will take you seriously! The “bitch eyebrow” test is also a very important. The gorgeous cholita look isn’t only for riding around in an Impala while listening to oldies, it’s also practical for the office. Think about it. The next time your boss tries to make you stay late, he will take one look at your Sharpie eyebrows and back down. Bitch may even give you a raise.

Baby Smiley covered almost every base, but she forgot to mention to stick razors in your hair and cover your neck with hickeys for the full effect!

(Thanks April)